Miscellaneous: Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was... - FML

By Thatkid - Singapore

Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty but I was thirsty so I picked it up thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke always left at the bottom. When I took a sip I found out he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML

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Commando

True hero

Family matters

By Anonymous - United States - Woodland

Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML

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By Juicy12Jham - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, at work, man who was buying medicine for his son came up to me for help. He didn't know how to explain it to me, so instead he showed me a picture of a rash on his kid's butthole. FML

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By KrazyKill - Canada

Today, I faked being sick so I could weasel out of a chemistry test at school. Happy that I pulled it off, I posted my accomplishment on Facebook. I forgot that I'm friends with my parents. FML

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By pumpkinbutt - France

Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML

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By HazzaBoo - United States

Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, I was trying to apply some toothpaste on my pimple to help dry it out. My mum came from behind and hugged me, making me accidentally apply minty toothpaste into my right eye instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2020 10:02 - Australia - Murarrie

Kids will be kids

Today, my son accidentally damaged another kid in the face with a baseball bat, while blindfolded trying to hit a piñata. Except there was no piñata, or blindfold. FML

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By Jolene - United States - Gloucester

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend breaking things off with me. He waited until the day after Christmas because he wanted all his presents. And he got me nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused: "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

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By sumerflame07 - United States

Today, while standing in line at the grocery store, the elderly lady in front of me had forgotten to pay for her milk. In the spirit of the season, I paid for it and wished her happy holidays. She snatched the milk and gave me an ugly look. Then huffed at me before stomping off. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 09:00

Honor amongst maids

Today, a good friend from childhood, who was my maid of honor four years ago, got married. Without me knowing about it. FML

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By waste of effort - United Kingdom

Today, my fiancée called our engagement off, because apparently she's actually a complete idiot who will believe anything that a slimy con artist tells her. In this case, a "psychic" who mumbled some shit about me having "a dark aura." FML

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By notababymama - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years saw baby wipes in my bathroom and assumed I had a kid. He broke up with me. I use baby wipes to take off my makeup. FML

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By donguigeek - France

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. My boyfriend is no fan of fatherhood, so it was with some hesitation that I called him and let him know I'm pregnant. He replied, "Like hell you are!" and hung up. He now refuses to answer any of my calls. FML

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By 1000dollarspoor - United States

Today, while working on my laptop, I accidentally spilled a glass of water. I quickly moved my laptop out of the way of the oncoming stream. It fell on the floor and broke. FML

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By Sylvania - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

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By yulis - United States - Hagerstown

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

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By lalala2494

Today, I said, "Bless you" when someone sneezed on television. That's how lonely I am. FML

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By yblamemebiatch - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out a colleague spread lies about me because she somehow thinks I'm to blame for the hot guy at work not wanting to date her. Perhaps she should blame his fiancé. FML

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By pooperscooper - Australia - Hunters Hill

Today, I had to wipe someone else's shit off the toilet seat for the third day in a row. We had a new staff member join our team three days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my estranged father, with whom I haven't spoken in years, called me and demanded to know where his Father's Day gift was. FML

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By Atletic - United States - Syracuse

Today, I have three cracked ribs. I have also, for the first time in my life, developed a case of the hiccups that simply will NOT go away. It's been hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Juan Capistrano

Today, I went to a blood drive. The nurse taking my blood mentioned that she'd been called in on her day off, and she swore she wasn't drunk. I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and blinked back tears as she savaged the vein in my arm. FML

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By noboyfriend - United States

Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML

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By Wowthanks - United States - Greeley

Today, I asked the girl I like if she had her eye on anyone, subtly hinting that I wanted to date her. I sat there while she confessed her love for her cousin. FML

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By kerripjones - United States - Newark

Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML

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By thanks.... - United States

Today, I woke up to every window in my house packed with snow. It was so bad that I thought I'd been snowed-in, and I started freaking out. It took two hours and multiple phone calls before I found out that my neighbor had taken our prank war too seriously and staged the whole thing. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, I got into a debate with my boyfriend over whether or not oral sex was considered sex. I stood firm that it was not. Apparently, he took this as permission, as later that night I walked in on him not having sex with my sister. FML

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By rockefoe - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't feel like he loved me. His response? "Why else would I be with you? Your looks?" He was serious. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, I signed my own plaster-cast to make people believe that I actually have friends. FML

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By WolfieJL - United States

Today, my two year old puked in the backseat of the car. When we stopped to clean her up, she scooped up the vomit by the handful and threw it at my head. I had an almost two hour drive before I could wash the smell off myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pueblo

Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to it. I guess security thought my Michael Jackson crotch-grab was funny, because a printout of it is now pinned in our break room. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Lamar

Today, I found my dad drunk, sitting on the bathroom floor crying. When I asked him why, he said, "My son is gay." I'm his only child, and I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

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By evil Santa - United States - Solon

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

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By mal - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I brought my girlfriend home while my parents were at work, and things got a little heated. We lost track of time, because the next thing we knew, my dad burst into the living room. He doubled over laughing and asked how much I paid her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went over to my friend’s house while she was sick. In order to show me how bad her sense of smell was, she took a handful of VapoRub and rubbed it all over and inside of my nose then said, “Can you smell that? I can’t.” Yes, I can. But I can also feel my nostrils burning. FML.

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Top comments

By StayClassy | 0

#3431 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 18:06

Oh man, I shivered. That is gross.

By Peilin | 0

#3427 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 17:46

disgusting... funny though. ask before you drink lol

COMMENTS

By Peilin | 0

#3427 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 17:46

disgusting... funny though. ask before you drink lol

By StayClassy | 0

#3431 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 18:06

Oh man, I shivered. That is gross.

By lucky_13_fml | 0

#3475 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 19:52

at least it wasn't a loogie/spit or something.

Reply

Mortoli | 30

#6329794 - Wednesday 24 June 2015 1:56

my brother has done this lol.

By elguapo_fml | 0

#3485 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 20:06

a mouthful of fingernails was probably better than the mouthful of saliva you would've gotten anyay... at least you didn't end up swallowing it.

why would you even WANT to drink the nasty crap at the end?

By alwaysalady | 0

#3506 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 21:06

don't share drinks with anyone.fingernails are the least of your worries... mono....meningitis....hep...there's cooties in other people's spit.

By midnyte | 0

#3533 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 21:51

Oh, *EW*!

By Seegtease | 0

#3654 - Thursday 19 February 2009 2:03

Nasty. Kind of your fault, kind of a victim of bad circumstance.

By jukeboxhero420 | 0

#3870 - Thursday 19 February 2009 8:05

That's grosser than gross.

By Femanon | 0

#4143 - Friday 20 February 2009 1:11

This is the exact reason you should NEVER EVER share drinks with people.

Fucking ew...

By midnight_fml | 0

#7310 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 22:53

hahahah hahahah hahahahah hahahha OMG hahahahhahaha