Miscellaneous: Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was... - FML

By Thatkid - Singapore

Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty but I was thirsty so I picked it up thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke always left at the bottom. When I took a sip I found out he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Beggars can be choosers

Mr Commitment

By jobless1

Today, I went to an important job interview, only to be told I'm not what such a "prestigious" company was looking for. This from a pimply-faced 20-something who took a personal call on speakerphone mid-interview, and actually said "lmao" out loud at his friend's joke. FML

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By Disappointed Mom - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was supposed to be enjoying a long-anticipated, desperately needed, weekend away. Turns out those "little stomach twinges" were actually symptoms of appendicitis. I'm stuck in the hospital, alone, recovering from surgery, while my family is enjoying our non-refundable break. FML

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By Boyufd

Paaaaaaarty!

Today, it's my birthday. I'd planned an outside party in my backyard, and I'd invited all of my friends. Only 2 of them showed up. It also rained today, even though it wasn't supposed to. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I overheard a "friend" talking about me and my recently deceased dog. He said: "Only time I've seen someone get that upset over someone dying, they were fucking each other. Just sayin'." FML

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By badsitter

Today, my mother stopped speaking to me because I won’t let her babysit anymore. Her idea of babysitting is to sit my daughter alone with a tablet and a pile of sugary junk food for 7 hours straight. FML

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By blehh - United States

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

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By TBTC - France - Le G?vre

Today, I was out apartment hunting with my boyfriend. We visited a marvelous place that ticked all the boxes on our requirement checklist, but my boyfriend was unenthused. There was just one small detail that I hadn’t factored in: it's very badly located if ever zombies attack. FML

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By suze44 - United States

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend left me after I'd been supporting him for 9 months while he "finds himself." Why? Because I wanted to go grocery shopping instead of him eating out every day with my money. FML

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By Masonlee89 - United States

Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I let my new cat sleep in bed with me. It was cute until she wiped a tapeworm onto my arm. FML

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By hejdixjeln - United States - Evanston

Today, I advised my daughter to not drink a Coke before bed. She smiled at me and reassured me that it could be balanced out with sleeping pills. I'm raising a future drug addict. FML

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By razgriz1 - United States

Today, I took a cute girl out to an arcade date, and mercilessly dominated her in every game there, to the point she refused to talk to me afterwards. Gamer Pride: 1 - Getting Laid: 0. FML

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By audied - United States

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

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By Anonymous - Russian Federation

Today, the two and a half hours it took our poorly air conditioned taxi to go 20 miles in stop-and-go traffic was highlighted by our son projectile vomiting all over my wife, a suitcase, and the car. It ended with me having to pay both for the ride, as well as for cleaning the inside of the taxi. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, a dog attacked me. Its owner, instead of apologizing and helping me, said it was my own fault for making it think I was an attacker by running past them. We were on a jogging track. FML

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By AlexK - United Kingdom

Today, I was browsing my computer to find naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend. I decided it'd be funny to photoshop a penis onto one of the pictures. I'm straight and the new picture turned me on more than before. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I was sword fighting in a play when I accidentally hit the other person in the head. He called me a bitch and stormed off stage, leaving me alone with an audience of 50. FML

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By Curly - United States - Ashburn

Today, my wife has the flu, while I have strep throat. We have a two-year-old toddler and have no clue as to who's more contagious and who should take care of her as to not get her sick. Yay for the entire day of surgical masks and Sesame Street. FML

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By csgocockblock - United States - Jenks

Today, when I got home from work I was pretty "in the mood" so I put on some cute undies and a tank top and went to get my boyfriends attention, he was so into his new computer game all I got was a half smile and a pat on the head. FML

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By pissed - United States - Dearborn

Today, during a very stressful and busy day at work, I took a bathroom break. Unfortunately, of all the things on my mind, taking down my pants before emptying my bladder wasn't one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Grays

Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML

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By nothing_nobody

Today, I was volunteering at a local hospital. I was eagerly introducing myself to all the nurses, as I would be working with them all summer. It wasn't until I got home that I discovered the giant piece of lettuce stuck in my front teeth. So much for first impressions. FML

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By ForeverAlone - Canada

Today, I was at my cousin's house. We weren't spending time together because he was always texting. After a couple of minutes, I got jealous. I played a ringtone on my cell, and "answered" it. I had a whole conversation with nobody in an attempt to seem somewhat more popular than a 10-year-old. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it was the first day after my promotion. Everyone, including myself, was shocked that I was promoted so quickly. I figured it was because of all the hard work and overtime I'd put in. However, my coworkers figure I'm just sleeping with the boss, and constantly glare and snicker behind my back. FML

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By HT BaaFly - United Kingdom

Today, after months of unemployment, my only social interaction was with my postman. FML

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By 30Jenna - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me on my Facebook wall. 27 people liked it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danville

Today, working night shift at a nursing home, I can tell the difference between the smell of different people's urine. FML

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By aftermath1991 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to sit for an hour listening to my girlfriend talk to her ex about his testicles. She laughed more during that conversation than she ever has with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I'm gay. FML

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By YOURMOM - United States

Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML

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By rejecteddd - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

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By bubbles - United States

Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML

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By bloodshedblack - United States

Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a flat tire. The spare was also flat, so I had no other choice but to walk home. I got to my house and realized I'd left the front door key and garage clicker in my car 5 miles away. FML

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By ilik3catz - United States

Today, while at a family gathering for New Years, my aunt said she needed a flat surface to write on. My dad immediately piped up, "Why don't you use Samantha's chest?" I'm Samantha. I'm also 18. FML

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By xxruby - United States - Katy

Today, I worked my boyfriend's shift so he could stay home. I even brought him the free meal I got for helping out. Turns out he wanted to stay home so badly to cheat on me. FML

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By 12693 - Australia - Perth

Today, there was a horrible smell in my kitchen. I tried to find the source, but failed and had to leave for the day. That night, my brother informed me that the smell was coming from a dead mouse stuck in our toaster. FML

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By yankeeboy123 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her reason? Not enough guys have been liking her photos on Instagram since we started dating. FML

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Top comments

By StayClassy | 0

#3431 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 18:06

Oh man, I shivered. That is gross.

By Peilin | 0

#3427 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 17:46

disgusting... funny though. ask before you drink lol

COMMENTS

By Peilin | 0

#3427 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 17:46

disgusting... funny though. ask before you drink lol

By StayClassy | 0

#3431 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 18:06

Oh man, I shivered. That is gross.

By lucky_13_fml | 0

#3475 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 19:52

at least it wasn't a loogie/spit or something.

Reply

Mortoli | 30

#6329794 - Wednesday 24 June 2015 1:56

my brother has done this lol.

By elguapo_fml | 0

#3485 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 20:06

a mouthful of fingernails was probably better than the mouthful of saliva you would've gotten anyay... at least you didn't end up swallowing it.

why would you even WANT to drink the nasty crap at the end?

By alwaysalady | 0

#3506 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 21:06

don't share drinks with anyone.fingernails are the least of your worries... mono....meningitis....hep...there's cooties in other people's spit.

By midnyte | 0

#3533 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 21:51

Oh, *EW*!

By Seegtease | 0

#3654 - Thursday 19 February 2009 2:03

Nasty. Kind of your fault, kind of a victim of bad circumstance.

By jukeboxhero420 | 0

#3870 - Thursday 19 February 2009 8:05

That's grosser than gross.

By Femanon | 0

#4143 - Friday 20 February 2009 1:11

This is the exact reason you should NEVER EVER share drinks with people.

Fucking ew...

By midnight_fml | 0

#7310 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 22:53

hahahah hahahah hahahahah hahahha OMG hahahahhahaha