Animals: Today, my friend asked me if I could watch her mother's cats...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend asked me if I could watch her mother's cats while they go on vacation. I agreed since her house is on my way to work. When I talked to her mother, I found out she has 30-something cats. She reckons she lost count. FML

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Animals

Dementia or hate? You decide

Late term

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my husband gave me an ultimatum - choose him or my male best friend. I chose my husband. My husband then admitted to me that he was hoping I would choose my best friend so he would have an excuse to leave me and wouldn't have to tell me he's been cheating on me. FML

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By kkmirw

Pissed

Today, a colostomy bag exploded on me while I was waiting in line at the pharmacy. Yesterday, my shoes were peed on by a child while I was at work. FML

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By drive thru madness - United States - Amherst

Today, I was working the drive-thru. Everything was going fine until I handed a customer her order and said, "Happy Holidays". Before she drove off, she yelled, "it's Merry Christmas, bitch" and threw her coffee at the window. I'm Jewish and was trying to be polite. FML

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By catlady - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

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By PrincessOhNo - United States - Bronx

Today, I dyed my hair back to pastel pink, which it hasn't been in over a year. It goes well with my skin and I was super excited about it so I decided to Snapchat my friend about it. Her response? "You were thinner last time your hair looked like that." FML

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By FUCKKKS - United States

Today, after a long work shift, I was so tired that I took a nap in my car to avoid driving half-asleep. When I awoke, there was a huge truck in front of me. I thought I'd fallen asleep while driving and was about to die. I only realized it was stationary after I pissed myself. FML

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By DSM - United States

Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML

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By Master's_degree_in_failure - 17/10/2020 22:30

The ole answer/forward conundrum

Today, I "answered" an email instead of "forwarding" it. As a result, there is a chance that my Master's thesis supervisor gets a message from me starting by the F-word, and complaining about my bad work and inability to understand a deadline. FML

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By Emily - United States

Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. FML

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By Telemistake - United States

Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days...I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 14:00

Happy Birthday, I guess…

Today, my family decided it'd be a great idea to berate me for not being excited enough for my brother and his wife's baby news. They told us on my birthday, adding that if I wasn't so fat I'd have one too. I have insulin-resistant PCOS. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while laying in bed trying to go to sleep, I listened to the chirping crickets and appreciated how soothing the sounds were. Then I realized I lived on the 8th floor of an apartment building. Turns out my brother's science project got into my room and multiplied... a lot. FML

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By Maddie - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses me for two things. 1) My food. 2) My sister. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, for the nth time, my father reminded me that I should study things related to the "real" world, as if I was studying theology, astrology or something. I'm studying for a master's degree in physics. FML

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By Nuts - Canada - Grimsby

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to divorce me. FML

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By marcy_89

Today, with 3 miles left of a 16-mile bike ride, I got a flat tire and had to push my bike back to my car. FML

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By colorblind - United States

Today, I found one of those online color blindness tests where you have to distinguish a colored number from the pattern. Not being able to, I spent hundreds of dollars on medical tests to discover that the pattern online was a joke. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friends took me to a strip club for my 25th birthday. I went onstage with 5 dollars in my mouth to tip the dancer. She then took off my belt and pants and spanked me 25 times with the buckle end of the belt. I paid a stripper 5 dollars to whoop my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Sundsvall

Today, I had a seizure while at the airport, ready to go on vacation with my family. We ended up missing our flight. My mom spent most of the ride home making cracks about how I'm always ruining things with my "dramatics". Sorry that I have epilepsy, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I am on vacation in Dubai with my dad and a few of his friends. I thought we were going to travel and see some amazing things, but I'm confined to my hotel room while everyone drinks and watches Family Guy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was told to put away the new toilet paper rolls. I reached in the package only for my hand to get wet, and then noticed the yellow liquid at the bottom. My cat used it as a litter box. At least, I hope it was my cat. FML

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By hardtotell - United States

Today, a man I don't know came up to me and started screaming about how "all you damn Mexicans were stealing American's jobs" and he stormed off. I'm Native American, and I'm pretty sure we've been here longer. FML

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By seriously - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I decided to splurge and get valet parking at a fancy restaurant. I got out of the car and gave the man my keys and watched as he slowly backed my car into another car. FML

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By Lespoon - United States

Today, my mom drove my family to the desert for a themed family photo. We had to wear big frumpy old western-looking clothes in 115 degree weather. Hot and agitated, I muttered, "This is the ugliest thing I've ever had to wear." My mom, looking hurt, replied, "That's my wedding dress." FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that I can get my girlfriend to make more sex noises by massaging her back than I can by actually having sex with her. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasant. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I needed someone to talk to because I just found out my aunt has cancer. She told me to talk to her in an hour, Spongebob was on. FML

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By IHateMySister - Denmark - Kirke-hyllinge

Today, my sister confessed that when she runs out of clean underwear, she uses mine. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't also put it back in my dresser afterwards so I wouldn't notice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brownwood

Today, my boss was telling everyone his mother recently passed away and he'll be off work for a while. I'd been holding in painful gas for a while, so I tried to ease it out. It turned into a long, squeaky fart in front of everyone. Everyone glared at me as if I was trying to be funny. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Mon?var

Today, I slipped and fell down the stairs, landing hard on my knee. Through my screams of agony, my mom accused me of exaggerating the pain, and said I was just being an attention seeker, before finally taking me to hospital. I was told my leg was broken. She refused to apologize. FML

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By skrewedguy - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me. Knowing that I am a germaphobe, she took all of my cleaning supplies and spread mud and trash everywhere. FML

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By Bleached_Eyes - United States - Pikesville

Close-Knit Family

Today, I finally met my girlfriend's family. When it was time for dinner, I was sent upstairs to get her brother. When I walked in, he was laid out on his bed getting a rimjob from his cousin. FML

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By mylifeisahell - Norway

Today, I found garbage in my postbox. In amongst the garbage, I found a note saying ''This is all you ever will get. Stay away from me!'', from the girl I sent a love poem to the other day. FML

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By clips - United States

Gross

Today, I was on the bus. I heard a click right before something small hit my cheek. I looked over to see the lady next to me cutting her long, dirty fingernails. The bus was too crowded to move and It was a 20 minute ride to work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The officer was nice and let me off with just a warning. That is, until my dipshit brother yelled "Fucking pig!" out the window as the officer walked back to his car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Natick

Today, I was in class and I smelled what I thought was month-old trash coming from a student in front of me. I politely ignored the smell, only to realize a few hours later that the persistent smell wasn't coming from every student in my university, but was from my shoes. FML

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By anal-retentive - United States

Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML

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By ohdear - United Kingdom

Today, I witnessed my drunk grandmother attempting the Single Ladies dance, complete with hip gyrations and ass slapping. FML

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By bustedfornuthin - United States

Today, I was arrested by the police for sitting in what they thought was a stolen vehicle. After being slammed into the back of a squad car at gun point, they realized the car was actually recovered a week ago. FML

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Top comments

By captaincanoe | 0

#617201 - Monday 12 October 2009 16:18

What I would do is put a call into Animal Control to clear most of the cats out and when she comes back play dumb and say animal control just "showed up out of no where" and that you couldn't stop them. Haveing 30 cats isn't healthy for the women or the cats. it's impossible to take care all 30 cats properly

By timtam24 | 0

#617210 - Monday 12 October 2009 16:21

CRAZY CAT LADY. O_O

COMMENTS

By WowYouFailAtLife | 0

#617175 - Monday 12 October 2009 16:11

you deserve that one for not knowing your friends mom was a creepy cat lady.

FOOFIGHTERSrock | 0

#617249 - Monday 12 October 2009 16:34

Hahaha ur Texan I reckon lol!!!!!!!
Pizza!!?!

YDIforbeingu | 0

#617389 - Monday 12 October 2009 17:52

YDI for having a friend

gigi37 | 0

#617462 - Monday 12 October 2009 18:34

It could be that the mother was NOT a creepy cat lady. She could be like two friends I have and take care of some sick and/or homeless cats and try to find them a home on the weekend. But having 30+ is overdoing it.

OP, you definitely should have asked how many cats there were.

i_got_it | 0

#618239 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 1:49

Why the hell are you complaining about 30-something cats in a house? Do you not know that 30 cats = loads of catnip? Get high off of that stuff.

dheinzen2 | 1

#1105754 - Sunday 18 July 2010 8:23

wats anti flood

By iouoneheart | 0

#617188 - Monday 12 October 2009 16:13

you should totally find out these things before making a commitment to watch someone else's pets!

Kronic_Kitten | 0

#617314 - Monday 12 October 2009 17:03

Wow ya I agree with #2......The first thing I'd do is ask how many cats and if there are any special instructions regarding their care (alergies, medications etc)
30+ wow that is way too many cats to take care of for 1 person no matter how much that person loves them all...true definition of a crazy cat lady!!

By captaincanoe | 0

#617201 - Monday 12 October 2009 16:18

kukopia | 0

#617583 - Monday 12 October 2009 19:57

Call animal control the first day she's gone. Have them take ALL of them.
Open all the windows and con someone into taking out all the litter.

skreech96 | 0

#1764399 - Sunday 28 November 2010 17:16

totally agree, and I'm pretty sure it's also illegal to have that many cats.

Neekovolwf | 22

#6319523 - Saturday 13 June 2015 20:16

You asshole!! It's not healthy to have so many cats but you can't just do that. Have you ever considered the fact this lady light actually CARE about them. How would she feel is that happened??
Jerk.