Love: Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you". He broke up with me on speaker. FML

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Countdown

It never rains, it pours

Online classes can be tricky

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my husband that when I get my birth control taken out later this year, I would like to take a break from it for a while. He just said, "Condoms are too expensive and I don't want to waste $2 every time we do it." FML

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By not the cook - United States - Wernersville

Today, I found out that my restaurant's food is so bad that the only reason some people visit is because they're punishing their kids. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was flirting with a cute girl at a club. She seemed into me and said I was hot. I said thanks and grinned. I guess my grin looked psychopathic, because her expression turned to horror and she quickly excused herself. That was the only girl who's ever shown any interest in me. FML

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By lovehurts - United States

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of two years over the phone, I recieved a knock on my door. It was my now ex-girlfriend who came to seek revenge by shooting me in the balls with a paintball gun at about a three foot range. FML

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By ugh Buck! - United States

Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was given a call home, a 3-day-suspension, and a week of detention in school for a "serious violation of the code of conduct." Said violation? Jogging in the middle of the hall. FML

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By samaris

Today, 5 months after doing a shoot for a stock photo site, someone finally used one of my photos. In an article about meth abuse. FML

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By essay2 - United States

Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML

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By Dee - United States

Today, I was at a party at the house of the guy I really like. We were talking when he pulled me into his room. I was excited he was finally taking our friendship to the next level, until he handed me a stick of deodorant, saying "I didn't wanna tell you in the hallway, but you really need this." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML

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By Ariel - 5/10/2020 10:02

Zeitgeist

Today, my dishes smelled so perfume-y after going through the dishwasher and a clean glass of water tasted soapy. I checked the pods my husband bought and loaded into the dishwasher to make sure we never got that brand again. They were laundry detergent pods. I was essentially a millennial eating a Tide Pod. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Death Grips

Today, I knew my girlfriend's dad owned a security company. What I did not know was that he treats his employees like family, so my girlfriend has about 40 scary uncles who’ve known her since she was a baby, and most of them are ex-military. FML

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By James - United States

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

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By Char-azard - New Zealand - Napier

Today, my father bought a pair of fancy noise cancelling headphones. He doesn't realise that the noise cancelling function only slightly muffles the moaning and screaming in the porn he's watching. FML

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By janess - 9/3/2021 11:00

Sorry dad

Today, I forgot my father’s birthday. My father means the world to me, I just have a shit memory. FML

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By bosslady12 - United States

Today, I realized I need a new job when I had to take anti-anxiety medication before meeting with my boss. Last time we met, I had a panic attack. FML

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By probablyfired

Today, I was running late for work. I was trying to find my car keys, then realized I'd left them in my boyfriend's car. My phone charger was locked in my car, and my phone was dead. I couldn’t get hold of my boss and explain what had happened. I’m fired, aren’t I? FML

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By sadmom

What are you doing here?

Today, I found out the man I have been dating is my son’s principal. I found out by having to pick my suspended son up from school. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML

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By yuhan

Today, while walking around outside with my friends, I was told that I have no right to complain about the heat since I'm not fat. Thirty minutes later, I had sweat out all the liquid in my body and promptly passed out from heat stroke. FML

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By ROBERT - United States - Cresskill

Today, I actually had to explain to two of my friends that neither Alaska nor Nebraska are in Canada. I think I need new friends. FML

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By karma - Canada

First!

Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML

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By Tall Oaf

Today, my ex of 2 months, who I'm on good terms with, posted an Instagram photo with her new boyfriend, captioned "Love you babe, 4 months have never been sweeter." I've never been good at math, but 4 seems bigger than 2. FML

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By dork - United States

Today, I was at dinner with my boyfriend and his family. We were talking about relationships, and I commented on how online dating was the dumbest thing ever. His mom and step-dad went on to tell me how they had met through an online dating service. FML

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By Detroitman125

Today, my parents told me that they think I've gone off the deep end. I don't drink or take drugs. What did I do? I got McDonald's a couple times after school. FML

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By julieseattle

Hyperviolence

Today, I was at a restaurant waiting for a table. Some lady walked by, smelling like BO and patchouli oil. I attempted to cover my nose with my sweatshirt, but I thumped a small girl in the process. FML

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By Idle_Twin - United States - Miami

Today, I was finishing my chest workout at the gym when this really cute girl started using the machine next to me. To impress her, I tried lifting a lot of weight on the barbell. It ended up landing on my neck and she had to help me get it off. FML

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By noxiffic - Norway - Sandnes

Today, as I was walking home from work, I got chased halfway home by a wolf. Yes, a wolf. I live in central Norway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my virginity. Not only did my parents somehow find out, they posted about it on Facebook. FML

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By ImAnEngineer - United States - Canandaigua

Today, my boss quit, leaving me as the only structural engineer at my company. I'm fresh out of college and will have to finish the projects on my own. Hope Google can teach me how to do this. FML

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By Bahhumbug - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out I was the top ranking sales person for 2014. What did last year's winner receive? An all-expenses paid weekend holiday. What did I receive? A ham. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous

Cravings

Today, it's been so long since my wife has been interested in me intimately, I became aroused when a woman touched my arm while talking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

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By drinkdrankdrunk - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

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By FailedTraveller

Today, I took a long distance train across country. Early on I had an urgent need to use the bathroom. As I went to flush away the nasty, the preflush water violently projected my diarrhoea onto my pants before clearing the rest down the gurgler. I have 8 hours left on the train. FML

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By 2fast4U - Canada - Vancouver

Today, some of my coworkers have complained that I don't do my share of the work, though they can't specify exactly what I'm not getting done. Apparently, being too efficient and finishing first means I mustn't have done anything at all. The supervisor sided with them. FML

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By Anonyme - China - Shanghai

Today, I'm doing an architecture course in China. My boss asked me to create a lamp shaped like a shrimp. FML

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By Angel - United States - Charlotte

Today, the guy I'm dating took me to a dinner party at a couple's house. Halfway through dinner, I realized they were having the dinner party for the sole purpose of introducing him to their recently single daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nashville

Creepypasta

Today, for the first time, I made a guy get a boner and make out with me. This would've been great if it hadn't been a dream, and if the guy in question hadn't been my brother. FML

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Top comments

By kewlcat | 0

#475255 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 0:55

hahaha sucks

ps. never go on speakerphone with your boyfriend with friends around.
also its better than him texting you..i guess

By ChasinParkedCars | 0

#475262 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 0:57

Is it just me or did she just call her ex "tiger"?

COMMENTS

By kewlcat | 0

#475255 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 0:55

hahaha sucks

ps. never go on speakerphone with your boyfriend with friends around.
also its better than him texting you..i guess

Reply

well_this_sucks | 0

#475403 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:36

haha ikr!
and texting isnt as bad as email. i know a girl who got dumped through an email. after a 1 year relationship. i felt soo bad for her.

but i guess we know who the better bf is now

Reply

Phillay632 | 0

#475869 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 5:49

Well, I guess you showed her. Kudos.

Reply

pwnrzero | 0

#476084 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 8:32

the people who said ydi just are sick of fmls where the boyfriend/ girlfriend breaks up on speakerphone

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1024138 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 19:32

16, that would suck because I never even check my email.

Reply

Lx416 | 0

#1043151 - Friday 25 June 2010 17:03

that's why you should never brag... haha YDI for bragging. sucks for you OP

-Ł

Reply

Cavelallemant | 0

#2389562 - Friday 22 April 2011 20:26

Tiger Woods xD

By ChasinParkedCars | 0

#475262 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 0:57

Is it just me or did she just call her ex "tiger"?

Reply

Brooklynxman | 0

#475486 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 2:13

Perhaps he broke up with her because she called him tiger?

Reply

Destinyx | 0

#476304 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 10:55

Unless his name is Tiger,
Which for her dignity's sake, i hope it was.

Reply

Alexgoesfml | 3

#476540 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 14:06

I actually like that pet name. Meh, maybe it is a british thing. I would hate it if my gf would say 'hey sexy', that shit annoys me. Also back to the FML, were you two actually having an argument over who's boyfriend is better? YDI for trying to show off and holding your bf like a trophy, grow up!

Reply

DoomJeff91 | 2

#477060 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 17:47

Maybe she was dating that steroid abusing cereal mogul.

Reply

Destinyx | 0

#486562 - Friday 14 August 2009 19:15

"Thaaaaaaaaaaats great!" :D

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1024142 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 19:34

um 68 that would be Tony ,not tiger

By jyn_fml | 0

#475270 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 0:57

haha guess hers the better one for now lol

By Nothingness1 | 3

#475274 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 0:59

Lol that sucks. Sorry.

Reply

Hbkbryan | 0

#976028 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 23:48

that's what you get for dating Tiger Woods..

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1024144 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 19:36

hahah. exactly op, u shouldve seen that one coming!

By xLovey | 3

#475277 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:00

You deserve it for calling him "Tiger" XD

Reply

awoodenhouse | 0

#475291 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:03

word

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#475375 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:24

Aw, really? I think "tiger" is pretty great.
Because he's a TIGER in BED!

Though "tiger" is often used by dads for boys...

But what the hell? Debating over whose boyfriend is better?
Man I hope I never get so petty. Is that supposed to be normal?
Also, putting him on speaker phone? Without him knowing? What if he wanted to tell you something in private? Jeez.

I must say YDI.

By StingMunFizzy | 0

#475289 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:02

LOL.. Ah.. You deserve it for debating on who's boyfriend is better.. I bet if he'd known you were doing that he woulda broke up with your ass for just that;)..

By sodahhhr | 0

#475333 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:16

buy a toad

Reply

baby_love | 0

#475480 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 2:09

lmfao O.o

By cmac86 | 23

#475353 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:21

FAIL.

By somethingawesome | 9

#475355 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:23

Now you know who the better boyfriend is.

Reply

trip_toke_thrash | 0

#475991 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 7:08

you really think his actual name is tiger? you suck.

By NEWTROLLINTOWN | 0

#475369 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:38

wooo #12

YDI FOR HAVING A FATHER