Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was... - FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2009 20:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you". He broke up with me on speaker. FML

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Proactive

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By cat cat - 13/7/2018 01:30

Today, I wore my first thong, which I bought weeks ago but was only just now brave enough to wear. As I was leaving, my little brother decided I really needed a wedgie. The thong garrotted my bum hole and I now have toilet paper up there because it won't stop bleeding. FML

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By MiceMiles - 10/12/2015 12:34 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that miles are the same distance for everything. He thought that human miles were different than mouse miles, because they're smaller. He's 34. FML

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By Late - 12/11/2016 07:45

Today, my boss at my new job yelled at me for being 15 minutes early to work. Last week he yelled at me for being late for my shift when I arrived 5 minutes early. He's considering this my final warning before I'm fired. FML

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By Lickmebaby - 12/2/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - Enfield

Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML

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By dolceconfuoco - 20/10/2011 16:44 - United States

Today, I have an ear infection, and everything I hear echoes inside my head. I'm an orchestra teacher, and we have our first concert next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 06:19 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when my upstairs neighbor decided to take the longest piss known to man. He moaned the entire time. FML

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By Username - 3/10/2010 00:12 - France

Today, my boyfriend wanted to prove how honest he is so he showed me numerous texts in his phone where he told other women he was in a relationship before asking them to sleep with him. FML

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By therealkathl - 5/3/2015 13:32 - Austria

Today, my boyfriend convinced a girl at the club to break up with her boyfriend and go home with him. She did. Now I'm single too. FML

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By Oops - 18/11/2018 21:00 - United States

Today, I had diarrhea and shit myself. During my wedding. In my wedding dress. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 03:00

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to break up with me for the past four months. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, while talking on the phone with my long distance boyfriend, he let me know that he was getting married in August to "some girl" for his papers. After I objected he told me, "well you can marry me if you want." I'm not sure if I just got dumped or proposed to. FML

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By Singlewife - 23/3/2019 22:00

Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML

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By julieriis - 23/12/2015 18:03 - Denmark - Hals

Today, I was in a car accident, two days before Christmas. I'm now laying at home, not able to walk. My whole family thinks that I'm joking. A car drove over my foot, I'm not joking. FML

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By Brandon Lafantaisie - 3/5/2020 14:00

Back in the red

Today, I sneezed and pulled every muscle in my lower back. For the third time in two years, after $3000+ in physiotherapy. Round 3, here we come. FML

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By mrWrong - 25/3/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

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By social anxiety my a** - 18/3/2013 14:17 - Switzerland - Zurich

Today, after three years with my boyfriend hardly ever going to any social or public event with me due to his social anxiety, I got to witness him improve his flirting skills on every girl available at his house party. FML

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By vw - 20/2/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2010 00:12 - United States

Today, I was on Craigslist looking for a new guitar. I found the diamond earrings and necklace set I gave to my girlfriend last year. She wants 50 bucks for them. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2009 18:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a horrible day at work, came home early and burst into tears as soon as I was in the door. I curled up on the sofa, still bawling, and my cat came over and jumped up for a cuddle. I gave her a hug and she threw up down my back. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy - 23/9/2018 13:30

Today, I learned that my new neighbour's car alarm goes off every time a car drives by blasting loud bass. So far, it's gone off 6 times in the last hour. I can't wait until he's done moving in here, where he and his car will stay for the next year. FML

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By kisyfrot - 18/12/2008 03:38 - France

Today, I got fed up with my neighbor who has been coughing, night and day, for six months. I rang at her door to tell her about several remedies I know of to help, so I could sleep. I thus found out she has lung cancer. FML

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By Username - 2/8/2011 04:43 - Australia

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

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By Arp - 4/2/2012 20:46 - United States

Today, I got an early Valentine's day card. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and my hopes shot up thinking it might be from him. It wasn't. It was from my parents. FML

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By jojolovesyou134 - 23/6/2019 22:45

Today, as I have been the past week, I've was sent to fix my coworker's fuck-ups in his new area, and help him out as I know it. I then needed help in his old area, and got told to suck it up and figure it out. I've been doing this a year, he's been doing it for 5 years FML

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By embaressed - 19/12/2009 09:44 - United States

Today, I was standing outside a store about to flirt with this guy when my mother drove up and shouted, "Hurry up, I have diarrhea!" FML

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By poopexperttt - 7/9/2012 07:12 - United States

Today, my brother started a new tradition: sending me pictures of every poop he takes. FML

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By whosurdaddy - 6/1/2017 06:44

Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML

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By FutureMarine3658 - 8/8/2012 14:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, out of habit, after scratching my balls, I then smelt my hand. It was at that moment I realized most of my gym was staring at me. FML

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By Pete - 7/8/2018 13:00

Today, it's the third day I've been at home recuperating from ear surgery. My surgery was on the same day my neighbor started renovating. There's been hours of jack-hammering every day I've been home. FML

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By imscrewed - 29/7/2009 19:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML

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By SmellyCloset - 5/10/2014 21:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found a decomposing hamster deep in my closet. My daughter had hidden "Peach" after accidentally killing it and said it had ran away a month ago. And I'd believed her. FML

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By StudentAbroad - 18/2/2016 13:27 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, several Ukrainians didn't believe me when I said I was American. Apparently I'm not fat enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2011 00:14 - United States

Today, I was swimming at the water park, when out of nowhere a lifeguard bombed into the pool, grabbed me, and hauled me to the surface, running his hands over my chest in the process. Apparently, the way I swim makes it look like I'm in my drowning death throes. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2012 08:30 - Belgium

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old brat. He refused to eat his vegetables, so I forbade him from playing until they were finished. He stomped off upstairs, so I let him cool off for a couple of minutes. When I went upstairs, he had taken scissors to all of his mother's clothes. FML

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By Cheated - 3/8/2010 04:07 - Canada

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

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By JoeyDizz - 6/5/2009 03:41 - United States

Today, while masturbating at the computer, I was interrupted by a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As I turned to face it, I realized I forgot to close the blinds. Standing at the window in the appartment across the street were two girls, one had a camera and was snapping a second shot. FML

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By -_- - 22/4/2015 15:06 - United States - Amherst

Today, my boss gave me the job of dealing with the guys doing the roofing at our store. His reasoning is that since we're all Hispanic, I'm perfect for the job because "You guys all know each other." FML

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By meee - 13/1/2010 00:55 - United States

Today, I noticed there was a red truck following me. I walked as fast as I could. I then ran. It followed. I slipped on some ice and fell. I was unable to get up. It stopped beside me and the driver got out. I then said hello to my husband's new car. FML

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By gagus123 - 12/11/2019 14:00

Karma sucks

Today, I pretended to be sick at the office and went home early because I wanted to attend a party. On the way to the said party, my car caught fire on the highway. FML

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By JStein - 29/11/2012 04:33 - United States - Hampshire

Today my boyfriend and my best friend had a very lengthy, detailed conversation about Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit, of which I know nothing about. Once they stopped, I looked at him and smiled, and he responded with, "Why can't you be more like her?" FML

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Top comments

By kewlcat | 0

#475255 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 0:55

hahaha sucks

ps. never go on speakerphone with your boyfriend with friends around.
also its better than him texting you..i guess

By ChasinParkedCars | 0

#475262 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 0:57

Is it just me or did she just call her ex "tiger"?

Comments

By kewlcat | 0

#475255 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 0:55

hahaha sucks

ps. never go on speakerphone with your boyfriend with friends around.
also its better than him texting you..i guess

Reply

well_this_sucks | 0

#475403 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:36

haha ikr!
and texting isnt as bad as email. i know a girl who got dumped through an email. after a 1 year relationship. i felt soo bad for her.

but i guess we know who the better bf is now

Reply

#475869 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 5:49

Well, I guess you showed her. Kudos.

Reply

pwnrzero | 0

#476084 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 8:32

the people who said ydi just are sick of fmls where the boyfriend/ girlfriend breaks up on speakerphone

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1024138 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 19:32

16, that would suck because I never even check my email.

Reply

Lx416 | 0

#1043151 - Friday 25 June 2010 17:03

that's why you should never brag... haha YDI for bragging. sucks for you OP

-Ł

Reply

Cavelallemant | 0

#2389562 - Friday 22 April 2011 20:26

Tiger Woods xD

By ChasinParkedCars | 0

#475262 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 0:57

Is it just me or did she just call her ex "tiger"?

Reply

Brooklynxman | 0

#475486 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 2:13

Perhaps he broke up with her because she called him tiger?

Reply

Destinyx | 0

#476304 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 10:55

Unless his name is Tiger,
Which for her dignity's sake, i hope it was.

Reply

Alexgoesfml | 3

#476540 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 14:06

I actually like that pet name. Meh, maybe it is a british thing. I would hate it if my gf would say 'hey sexy', that shit annoys me. Also back to the FML, were you two actually having an argument over who's boyfriend is better? YDI for trying to show off and holding your bf like a trophy, grow up!

Reply

DoomJeff91 | 2

#477060 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 17:47

Maybe she was dating that steroid abusing cereal mogul.

Reply

Destinyx | 0

#486562 - Friday 14 August 2009 19:15

"Thaaaaaaaaaaats great!" :D

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1024142 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 19:34

um 68 that would be Tony ,not tiger

By jyn_fml | 0

#475270 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 0:57

haha guess hers the better one for now lol

By Nothingness1 | 3

#475274 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 0:59

Lol that sucks. Sorry.

Reply

Hbkbryan | 0

#976028 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 23:48

that's what you get for dating Tiger Woods..

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1024144 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 19:36

hahah. exactly op, u shouldve seen that one coming!

By xLovey | 3

#475277 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:00

You deserve it for calling him "Tiger" XD

Reply

awoodenhouse | 0

#475291 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:03

word

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#475375 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:24

Aw, really? I think "tiger" is pretty great.
Because he's a TIGER in BED!

Though "tiger" is often used by dads for boys...

But what the hell? Debating over whose boyfriend is better?
Man I hope I never get so petty. Is that supposed to be normal?
Also, putting him on speaker phone? Without him knowing? What if he wanted to tell you something in private? Jeez.

I must say YDI.

By StingMunFizzy | 0

#475289 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:02

LOL.. Ah.. You deserve it for debating on who's boyfriend is better.. I bet if he'd known you were doing that he woulda broke up with your ass for just that;)..

By sodahhhr | 0

#475333 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:16

buy a toad

Reply

baby_love | 0

#475480 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 2:09

lmfao O.o

By cmac86 | 23

#475353 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:21

FAIL.

By somethingawesome | 9

#475355 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:23

Now you know who the better boyfriend is.

Reply

trip_toke_thrash | 0

#475991 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 7:08

you really think his actual name is tiger? you suck.

By NEWTROLLINTOWN | 0

#475369 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 1:38

wooo #12

YDI FOR HAVING A FATHER