Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get...

By spartanson - 28/4/2011 10:28

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Double standards

Great boyfriend

By terdberglerforlyfe - 7/12/2014 20:54 - Brazil - Mogi Das Cruzes

Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML

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By Stephanie - 14/7/2011 19:17 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the park for some planking. Trying to find a daring spot, I climbed a tree and laid down on a branch. While I was waiting for my friends to take a picture, the branch gave out. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 23:17 - United States

Today, I was in lying in bed with my boyfriend while he was asleep. He is going to school to be a doctor, and it appears that he says anatomical terms while asleep. My boyfriend can make me feel stupid in his sleep. FML

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By WasNotAdopted - 28/4/2015 13:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - 18/9/2017 05:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By IsThisRealLife - 1/2/2016 17:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML

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By Jif_Creamy - 28/2/2016 05:00 - United States - Washington

Today, at my college, someone snatched my laptop out of my hands, so I chased him. Turns out I'm so overweight and slow that he moonwalked away facing me, while I sprinted my heart out. FML

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By Char - 24/9/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Gravesend

Today, whilst at work, I had a woman come in with a problem with the seat in her car not moving backwards or forwards. There was a dildo stuck in the chair rail. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2012 00:26 - United States

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

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By That Girl with the Amazon Parrot - 4/1/2014 07:21 - United States

Today, I was called by the counselor to discuss my "issues". She told me that other students had reported to her that they saw scars on my arms. I don't cut, I just have a hormonal and aggressive parrot who sees me as his personal tree. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2017 17:00 - Canada - Elora

Today, I was cleaning my older brothers room in my mom's house after he had just moved out with his girlfriend. I guess I was multitasking a little too much and not paying too much attention to what I was doing and I realized 15 seconds later, I was holding a used condom in my right hand, FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2020 17:00

The walls have ears

Today, I went out for lunch with one of my co-workers. After work, I talked to one of my friends about how unpleasant the lunch was with him. My co-worker was standing behind me listening in the whole time. FML

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By alison - 4/7/2015 05:02 - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML

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By emilyparker - 1/9/2014 02:55 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

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By Shodan2112 - 18/2/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, as I go to a small private Christian college, the academic dean came up to me and asked me to put some old records on CD, since I have a record player that can do that. I had to listen to eight records of old students from the 1970's singing bible thumper Christian hippie music. FML

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By gmian - 6/12/2015 05:06 - United States - Amherst

Today, at work, I used my foot to flush the toilet, lost my balance, and ended up catching myself with my foot in the toilet. FML

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By Max - 30/1/2017 12:00 - United States - Bluffton

Today, I tried to grab a coffee at the McDonald's drive-thru on my way home from work, but as I drove away from the restaurant a kid darted across the parking lot right in front of me. I had to slam hard on my brakes to avoid hitting him, in the process spilling my hot coffee all over my jeans. FML

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By AdriBAMF - 17/10/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I got asked to Homecoming by the person I really like. I said yes and I was really excited. But my best friend who has liked me since the 6th grade wasn't. He went and broke my date's jaw. FML

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By Cantbreath94 - 13/11/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, while at work, I got a call. They left a voicemail. It was a 7 minute voicemail of the mattress squeaking and my mom screaming my dad's name. I am going to their house for supper tonight. FML

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By thanks, fuckface - 16/11/2012 19:42 - United States - Parachute

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2 month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2009 22:22 - United States

Today, during a major fight with my boyfriend, I threw a necklace he had given me out the window, thinking it was just a cheap trinket. He then told me, for the first time, that that necklace had belonged to his now deceased grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, I introduced my Chinese-born girlfriend to the rest of the family. My uncle immediately blurted out, "He's dating a communist." FML

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By Mikey - 26/4/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was hanging out at my school with some friends when my mom came to pick me up. A girl I knew wanted a hug before I left. I turned around to hug her and a clip on my backpack got stuck on her tank top. I tuned away the clip pulled the shirt ripping it and exposing her naked chest. FML

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By gotmon3y - 7/4/2009 16:12 - United States

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 07:51 - United States - Portland

Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 15:22 - China - Shanghai

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

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By notmarryingyou - 10/9/2014 17:16 - United States - Bothell

Today, I started a new job. Three of my Kenyan coworkers keep getting together and reminding me that having more than one wife is okay in their country. I've gotten 3 marriage proposals from married men so far. FML

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By Zekrome - 5/5/2014 07:53 - Canada - Markham

Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 22:08

Today, I was reading a book, and my severe OCD makes it impossible for me to look up from reading if I haven't finished the page. This includes times like when my mother is frantically calling for help after falling off a ladder. FML

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By justinj360 - 22/6/2011 04:59 - United States

Today, my dad informed me that I will be staying in the bug-infested shed for the summer when I come to visit, due to his girlfriend's sewing workspace completely taking over the only room I've ever had at his house. FML

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By NoSpirit - 1/11/2012 08:20

Today, in the spirit of Halloween and to get back at a child who repeatedly pressed the doorbell until I showed up, I quickly opened the door and yelled "Boo!" The child ended up being carried away crying with wet pants by a mother threatening to sue. FML

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By jacky tu - 16/10/2010 03:06 - United States

Today, I got grounded because I didn't go to my dog's birthday party. FML

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By Brasilian29 - 11/12/2014 12:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 2 years after eating in a 5-star restaurant. She said that she wasn't ready and that she would walk home by herself, which she did. A homeless gentleman walked up from behind me, patted me on the back and said, "Bitches man." I cried. FML

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By the attention seeker - 17/4/2013 21:57 - United States - North Miami Beach

Today my mother met my in-laws for the first time. She had been an alcoholic and had us sent to foster care 15 years ago. My husband told his parents this behind my back a while ago. When they asked her about it, she denied everything. His entire family now thinks I lie for attention. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 16:09

Today, I found out that my 8-year-old daughter somehow learned how babies are made. Sort of. I found this out when we had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When one teacher asked where she was from, she replied, "My daddy's balls." FML

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By Laurel - 25/5/2013 04:37 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got to take my 10-year-old son to the junior high school at which I teach. When my students questioned him about what I was like at home, he told the entire class: "Well, she farts all the time." FML

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By Vic - 11/7/2011 09:00 - Denmark

Today, it's my birthday. The present I received from my best friend was the exact same necklace which I gave to her for her birthday two months ago. It had been unwrapped and re-wrapped in the same paper. FML

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By wtf - 3/5/2014 16:50 - Germany - Ramstein

Today, I had a nightmare and woke up in a cold sweat. My girlfriend was in bed with me at the time, and swears I yelled out another girl's name. She considers this proof that I'm cheating on her, and now she won't even speak to me. FML

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By lacy - 1/3/2014 08:23 - United States - Louisville

Today, I told my husband to give our dog a bath while I was at work. When I returned home, I found my dog, along with my husband, in the bath together. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2423256 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

Your dad is Charlie Sheen?

By fmylife1133249 | 1

#2423259 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

you should kick him over yelling, "THIS. IS. SPARTA!"

Comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2423256 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

Your dad is Charlie Sheen?

LunaNstars | 0

#2423289 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:59

embarassement much? sorry dude, but parents will work as hard as they can to embarasse us.

allmidnighteyes | 10

#2423315 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:01

Your spelling of the words embarrass and embarrassing are embarrassing.

This dad just knows how to party. Take notes, OP.

Tuesdays76 | 0

#2423443 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:21

What an awful football coach! my football coach encourages to stay away from that crap, especially during the season! You know your coach sucks when he can't even take a game seriously.

sterlingarcher | 1

#2423450 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:22

wow that's gotta be embarrassing haha

LunaNstars | 0

#2423761 - Thursday 28 April 2011 17:42

sweetie this ain't a spelling bee okay? All I wanted was to get my point across. And I am not EMBARRASSED to spell my words incorrectly when I type a comment in FML

C6Racer | 0

#2423776 - Thursday 28 April 2011 17:44

56, that just makes you look even more stupid.

LunaNstars | 0

#2423788 - Thursday 28 April 2011 17:46

okay :) have a nice day

dolphincheddar | 10

#2423818 - Thursday 28 April 2011 17:51

umm. if my dad did that I would love him. that's funny and badass. embarrassing yes, but something to brag about. my dads just a lame boring businessman I never see id lov to have that happen it'd make my day

Insane_Tea | 15

#2423862 - Thursday 28 April 2011 18:03

#59 Stop before you hurt yourself.

allmidnighteyes | 10

#2423876 - Thursday 28 April 2011 18:07

LunaNstars is confused!

*herp derp*

It hurt itself in its confusion!

*licks battery*

JenL_fml | 7

#2423958 - Thursday 28 April 2011 18:29

66, AFI rules.

jerseyboy732 | 16

#2424209 - Thursday 28 April 2011 19:25

win

LunaNstars | 0

#2424453 - Thursday 28 April 2011 20:12

mr allmidnighteyes you can suck ma dick :)

cldean24 | 0

#2425286 - Thursday 28 April 2011 21:25

59, I honestly wouldn't give a fuck either. If they can understand what you are saying is it really that terrible? If FML were a term paper, then I would call you out, but you aren't getting graded on this. least u don typ lyke dis.

littlemissFYL | 5

#2425431 - Thursday 28 April 2011 22:04

WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!

kcluna | 6

#2425651 - Thursday 28 April 2011 23:00

Awesome dad you got there!!

TigerBloodGirl15 | 0

#2425665 - Thursday 28 April 2011 23:02

Y'all stop picking on 96. He makes human mistakes. Just cuz he is winning-challenged
doesn't mean ya'll have gotta be mean. Also his dad isn't but mine is Lol

k3l05 | 0

#2426022 - Thursday 28 April 2011 23:47

epic

firstrecon | 0

#2426339 - Friday 29 April 2011 0:32

my father would do that, with out being drunk.

ItsADreamWithinA | 0

#2427888 - Friday 29 April 2011 6:05

56-you stand up to that grammar nazi woo!

FuniiBunii | 0

#2427987 - Friday 29 April 2011 6:27

Just give him some carrots and tell him 2 shut the fuck up XD

claireful | 4

#2428260 - Friday 29 April 2011 8:05

155 your picture is amazing! and your dad ftw!

kathcduri | 3

#2430624 - Friday 29 April 2011 23:31

stop with the carrot crap.

ps3broski | 0

#2433133 - Saturday 30 April 2011 8:02

carrots<3

pdk420 | 0

#2435468 - Saturday 30 April 2011 20:49

win

By fmylife1133249 | 1

#2423259 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

you should kick him over yelling, "THIS. IS. SPARTA!"

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2423507 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:33

then looked at your team and yelled...SPARTANS, PREPARE FOR GLORY!!!

damselchelle | 4

#2424361 - Thursday 28 April 2011 19:53

lmfao. ^ win after win.

comepoopwithme | 0

#2425830 - Thursday 28 April 2011 23:32

you ruined the win chain^^^

ieatcats | 0

#2427619 - Friday 29 April 2011 5:14

how is this a fml i wish my dad was part leonidus :(

revanche | 2

#3399359 - Friday 7 October 2011 5:11

my schools team is the spartans :)

By cradle6 | 13

#2423261 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

Is this Sparta?

Sathian | 0

#2423557 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:43

Rocker909 | 0

#2425272 - Thursday 28 April 2011 21:22

No, this is Patrick.

hawty12345 | 0

#2425504 - Thursday 28 April 2011 22:27

^^WIN!

By aRedditorette | 3

#2423263 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

your dad is awesome

coltsluvr123 | 2

#2425218 - Thursday 28 April 2011 21:08

agreed- anyone'd be lucky to have him as a ather, I know I would!!!

By chunkeechunks | 0

#2423266 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

No, its still funny.

By Idonebeenhad | 17

#2423271 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:58

THIS! IS! SPARTA!!

By Krilleee | 5

#2423306 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:00

haha I kinda like you're dads style!

xamyelex | 0

#2423677 - Thursday 28 April 2011 17:14

ikr

yama_dawgg | 0

#2427276 - Friday 29 April 2011 3:51

dirtbikes ftw

Krilleee | 5

#2428799 - Friday 29 April 2011 11:15

yeah!

Sniper_Fidelis | 1

#2428857 - Friday 29 April 2011 11:45

Slipknot and 2-stroke dirtbikes!

By princesstay17 | 0

#2423319 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:01

your dad is amazing!! lol

Krilleee | 5

#2429022 - Friday 29 April 2011 12:57

look at her dad, her dad is amazing!

By CitrusGirl | 0

#2423330 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:04

Treasure your father. He is a great man!

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2424251 - Thursday 28 April 2011 19:34

he is drunk at his sons game... and he also happens to be the coach... how is he a great man?

CitrusGirl | 0

#2424357 - Thursday 28 April 2011 19:52

I never thought I'd have to explain what a joke is so many times on one site.

mk58 | 31

#2425250 - Thursday 28 April 2011 21:16

87, it's called sarcasm. Ever heard of it?

CPgwave19 | 0

#2426383 - Friday 29 April 2011 0:38

the facts u just stated makes him a great man.....at leases he's got the balls to do it, drunk or not

By capt_awesome1 | 11

#2423331 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:04

hectic dad, should've joined him.