Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get...

By spartanson - 28/4/2011 10:28

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Instadrama

Breaking Badly

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 09:21 - United States

Today, a cashier asked me if I would like to donate to breast cancer research. Since I have already made my donations this month, I politely declined. The cashier snorted and said, "Maybe you'll feel differently if someone you love got cancer." I'm a two-year survivor. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, while on my run, I was attacked by my neighbor's new dog. It apparently didn't like me running past their house and broke free from its chain. I now have stitches and was just told that I'm probably being taken to court for the emotional distress I caused her and the dog. FML

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By morgie96 - 19/8/2014 04:11 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, on Facebook, all these parents posted photos of their child's last first day of high school, saying they were so proud as they left for senior year. It was my first day of senior year today, but my parents just gave me a high-five for not doing drugs. FML

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By mannydanny - 1/9/2011 23:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my Dad if it was true that my mother had a C-section at my birth. He replied "Yeah, so technically you weren't even born, you were surgically removed, like a tumor." FML

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By blarp - 17/10/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom. The guy in the urinal next to me was making loud sounds of discomfort. I ignored him and finished up. I turned around to be greeted by his red swollen beehive of a crotch, and him asking, "Is my penis supposed to look like this?" FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2018 10:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I woke up from surgery to find that the chronic warts on my right hand hadn't been removed. The doctor informed me that they'd grown into my radial nerve, so impossible to remove without permanent paralysis. My immune system sucks, so this is just in my hand forever. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 13:46 - United States

Today, I was finally paid back by a friend who wrote a check out. Not really looking at it, I went to the bank to deposit it. As I handed it to the teller, I noticed that he had written "sex" in the "for" memo. FML

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By jessybear777 - 15/2/2015 03:41 - United States - Branson

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I'm extremely uncomfortable with eye contact, but he kept staring into my eyes the entire time. I had to sing the F.U.N. song from Spongebob in my head to stop myself having an anxiety attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2010 17:14 - United States

Today, after 30 minutes of pre-heating the oven to make a special meatloaf for my husband's birthday, I remembered that I had hidden the cake in there. FML

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By Amey - 4/5/2009 09:09 - United States

Today, while watching TV, I danced, sang along, and helped Dora the Explorer get to her Grandmother's house. It was the most fun I've had all year. I'm 21. FML

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By seriously? - 27/5/2014 22:23 - United States - Manassas

Today, I discovered that my dad still doesn't consider my career as an app developer a "real job". FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 05:00

Next!

Today, my therapist broke up with me after almost 3 years. I can’t pay people to listen to my problems. FML

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By Scaryman - 21/2/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting down in a store when a stroller stopped by me. While the parents were fixing the strap, the baby looked at me, gasped, looked at me again, gasped, and then screamed. Ten minutes later, another baby looked at me and screamed. My face scares babies. FML

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By emoflowers - 10/4/2012 02:51 - United States - Amarillo

Today, my mother made me see the doctor to see if I had irritable bowel syndrome, on the account of how often I go to the restroom. I then had to admit I only go in there to get away from my family. My doctor thought it was hilarious. My mom didn't. FML

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By secretninja64 - 21/8/2014 03:47 - United States - Saint Francis

Today, I got fired after three days at my new job. They told me it was because of downsizing. They were still interviewing people and had a help wanted sign in the window. FML

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By Dipping Tired - 20/4/2016 23:17 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while half asleep, I dipped my finger in ketchup instead of a fry, and bit down on it so hard I needed stitches. FML

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By Casden - 13/9/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. I have been getting explicit texts and phone calls so I just joking said to my friend, "I think someone wrote my number on a bathroom stall." At which point he said, "Sorry, I didn't think people really called those numbers." FML

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By Oops - 26/9/2011 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

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By Shan007tjuuh - 6/3/2012 08:57 - Netherlands

Today, I got up at 4:30 am, went to my job as the newspaper guy. Nobody was there to open the door, it was raining and I was freezing. I decided to wait, because I really wanted my salary. At 6 o'clock my boss opens the door and says, "Oh, it's you. Well, you're fired. We can't pay you anymore." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 22:26 - United States

Today, after an argument with a coworker, I sent him "Sorry about being such a jerk" in a reply to a mass email he had sent. I accidentally hit 'Reply All'. I now have 32 "It's okay" messages in my inbox. FML

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By Hit-and-Run - 13/12/2012 08:01 - Mexico - Ju?rez

Today, after an extensive talk with a relationship counselor, we concluded that I'm more likely to get run over by a car than be in a stable relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2013 07:23 - United States - Lincoln

Today, I asked my dad why he only has pictures of me from when I was a little kid. Without skipping a beat, he said, "I only keep pictures from when I liked you." FML

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By Bleached_Eyes - 2/4/2018 00:00 - United States - Pikesville

Close-Knit Family

Today, I finally met my girlfriend's family. When it was time for dinner, I was sent upstairs to get her brother. When I walked in, he was laid out on his bed getting a rimjob from his cousin. FML

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By Amber - 28/5/2013 23:42 - United States - Oroville

Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML

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By Mel - 5/10/2015 04:21 - France - Toulouse

Today, I went to a group gym lesson. While working on our abs, the coach came through, touching our stomachs to check we were doing the exercises correctly. When he got to me, he asked, "How many kids have you got then?" I'm 22, and I've got none. FML

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By Scared - 23/8/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, when I opened the door to my room at night, I saw this big menacing thing staring right at me. I gasped and my heart started racing. I apprehensively turned on the lights, and I realized that it was the semi-deflated Spongebob balloon that has been in my room for weeks. FML

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By Grad2010 - 18/11/2009 19:41 - United States

Today, I found out I will not be getting my class ring. The jeweler has a policy against doing engravings that contain "obscene or offensive language or phrases". What obscene phrase did I want? My initials and year. W.T.F. 2010. FML

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By jelrid - 13/7/2016 04:38 - United States - Holt

Today, my worst fears were realized as an insect pinged off the back of my mouth while I was singing along to the radio on my motorcycle. FML

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By TractorUWG - 27/9/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I received a $100 bill in the mail as a late graduation present. I placed it on the table so I could go to the bathroom. I come back to find the table empty and my $100 bill missing. The fan blew the money on the floor and my 8 week old puppy ate it. FML

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By eddie818 - 10/6/2012 07:54 - Canada - Sidney

Today, I drove my drunk sister home after a wild night of partying. She did not go to bed as I expected; instead, she laid in the bathtub and cried every time I left her. Now it's 3AM, and she's using her bra as a lasso for various objects in the room. The best part is I work in 4 hours. FML

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By yourmomsabitch - 25/6/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, I was supposed to go on a date. I have been playing solitaire the whole night waiting for him. Out of 15 games, I've won one. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 03:58 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, feeling angry at the world, I threw a bottle, that had been clearly marked to be recycled, into a garbage can as an act of defiance. Minutes later, I guiltily retreated and spent the next few minutes with my entire arm stuck up the stinking ass of a city garbage can. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend who's sick, he told me he felt sleepy due to meds and was going to bed. I jokingly said, "you're going to call your other girlfriend, aren't you?" There was silence before I heard, "you weren't supposed to find out like this." FML

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By cockalicious - 1/3/2011 05:29

Today, my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys. FML

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By AwkwardMoments - 26/1/2017 14:00

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

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By motherfuck666 - 18/5/2014 21:21 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's mom got him a shitload of Axe for his birthday. Now I get nauseous whenever I go near him. FML

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By taperjeangirl - 21/2/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

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By unfriendlyskies - 2/4/2012 23:40 - United States - Central Falls

Today, I called an airline's customer service line. Apparently the way that they deal with uncommon problems is by having someone put you on hold for twenty minutes, answer and yell something unintelligible at you, put you back on hold, and repeat. This went on for over an hour. FML

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By hatelife - 14/6/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, I went to visit my boyfriend at work. That's where I met his pregnant girlfriend. FML

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By John Doe - 7/1/2020 05:00

Shaving!

Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2423256 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

Your dad is Charlie Sheen?

By fmylife1133249 | 1

#2423259 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

you should kick him over yelling, "THIS. IS. SPARTA!"

COMMENTS

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2423256 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

Your dad is Charlie Sheen?

LunaNstars | 0

#2423289 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:59

embarassement much? sorry dude, but parents will work as hard as they can to embarasse us.

allmidnighteyes | 10

#2423315 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:01

Your spelling of the words embarrass and embarrassing are embarrassing.

This dad just knows how to party. Take notes, OP.

Tuesdays76 | 0

#2423443 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:21

What an awful football coach! my football coach encourages to stay away from that crap, especially during the season! You know your coach sucks when he can't even take a game seriously.

sterlingarcher | 1

#2423450 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:22

wow that's gotta be embarrassing haha

LunaNstars | 0

#2423761 - Thursday 28 April 2011 17:42

sweetie this ain't a spelling bee okay? All I wanted was to get my point across. And I am not EMBARRASSED to spell my words incorrectly when I type a comment in FML

C6Racer | 0

#2423776 - Thursday 28 April 2011 17:44

56, that just makes you look even more stupid.

LunaNstars | 0

#2423788 - Thursday 28 April 2011 17:46

okay :) have a nice day

dolphincheddar | 10

#2423818 - Thursday 28 April 2011 17:51

umm. if my dad did that I would love him. that's funny and badass. embarrassing yes, but something to brag about. my dads just a lame boring businessman I never see id lov to have that happen it'd make my day

Insane_Tea | 15

#2423862 - Thursday 28 April 2011 18:03

#59 Stop before you hurt yourself.

allmidnighteyes | 10

#2423876 - Thursday 28 April 2011 18:07

LunaNstars is confused!

*herp derp*

It hurt itself in its confusion!

*licks battery*

JenL_fml | 7

#2423958 - Thursday 28 April 2011 18:29

66, AFI rules.

jerseyboy732 | 16

#2424209 - Thursday 28 April 2011 19:25

win

LunaNstars | 0

#2424453 - Thursday 28 April 2011 20:12

mr allmidnighteyes you can suck ma dick :)

cldean24 | 0

#2425286 - Thursday 28 April 2011 21:25

59, I honestly wouldn't give a fuck either. If they can understand what you are saying is it really that terrible? If FML were a term paper, then I would call you out, but you aren't getting graded on this. least u don typ lyke dis.

littlemissFYL | 5

#2425431 - Thursday 28 April 2011 22:04

WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!

kcluna | 6

#2425651 - Thursday 28 April 2011 23:00

Awesome dad you got there!!

TigerBloodGirl15 | 0

#2425665 - Thursday 28 April 2011 23:02

Y'all stop picking on 96. He makes human mistakes. Just cuz he is winning-challenged
doesn't mean ya'll have gotta be mean. Also his dad isn't but mine is Lol

k3l05 | 0

#2426022 - Thursday 28 April 2011 23:47

epic

firstrecon | 0

#2426339 - Friday 29 April 2011 0:32

my father would do that, with out being drunk.

ItsADreamWithinA | 0

#2427888 - Friday 29 April 2011 6:05

56-you stand up to that grammar nazi woo!

FuniiBunii | 0

#2427987 - Friday 29 April 2011 6:27

Just give him some carrots and tell him 2 shut the fuck up XD

claireful | 4

#2428260 - Friday 29 April 2011 8:05

155 your picture is amazing! and your dad ftw!

kathcduri | 3

#2430624 - Friday 29 April 2011 23:31

stop with the carrot crap.

ps3broski | 0

#2433133 - Saturday 30 April 2011 8:02

carrots<3

pdk420 | 0

#2435468 - Saturday 30 April 2011 20:49

win

By fmylife1133249 | 1

#2423259 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

you should kick him over yelling, "THIS. IS. SPARTA!"

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2423507 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:33

then looked at your team and yelled...SPARTANS, PREPARE FOR GLORY!!!

damselchelle | 4

#2424361 - Thursday 28 April 2011 19:53

lmfao. ^ win after win.

comepoopwithme | 0

#2425830 - Thursday 28 April 2011 23:32

you ruined the win chain^^^

ieatcats | 0

#2427619 - Friday 29 April 2011 5:14

how is this a fml i wish my dad was part leonidus :(

revanche | 2

#3399359 - Friday 7 October 2011 5:11

my schools team is the spartans :)

By cradle6 | 13

#2423261 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

Is this Sparta?

Sathian | 0

#2423557 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:43

Rocker909 | 0

#2425272 - Thursday 28 April 2011 21:22

No, this is Patrick.

hawty12345 | 0

#2425504 - Thursday 28 April 2011 22:27

^^WIN!

By aRedditorette | 3

#2423263 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

your dad is awesome

coltsluvr123 | 2

#2425218 - Thursday 28 April 2011 21:08

agreed- anyone'd be lucky to have him as a ather, I know I would!!!

By chunkeechunks | 0

#2423266 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:57

No, its still funny.

By Idonebeenhad | 17

#2423271 - Thursday 28 April 2011 15:58

THIS! IS! SPARTA!!

By Krilleee | 5

#2423306 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:00

haha I kinda like you're dads style!

xamyelex | 0

#2423677 - Thursday 28 April 2011 17:14

ikr

yama_dawgg | 0

#2427276 - Friday 29 April 2011 3:51

dirtbikes ftw

Krilleee | 5

#2428799 - Friday 29 April 2011 11:15

yeah!

Sniper_Fidelis | 1

#2428857 - Friday 29 April 2011 11:45

Slipknot and 2-stroke dirtbikes!

By princesstay17 | 0

#2423319 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:01

your dad is amazing!! lol

Krilleee | 5

#2429022 - Friday 29 April 2011 12:57

look at her dad, her dad is amazing!

By CitrusGirl | 0

#2423330 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:04

Treasure your father. He is a great man!

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2424251 - Thursday 28 April 2011 19:34

he is drunk at his sons game... and he also happens to be the coach... how is he a great man?

CitrusGirl | 0

#2424357 - Thursday 28 April 2011 19:52

I never thought I'd have to explain what a joke is so many times on one site.

mk58 | 31

#2425250 - Thursday 28 April 2011 21:16

87, it's called sarcasm. Ever heard of it?

CPgwave19 | 0

#2426383 - Friday 29 April 2011 0:38

the facts u just stated makes him a great man.....at leases he's got the balls to do it, drunk or not

By capt_awesome1 | 11

#2423331 - Thursday 28 April 2011 16:04

hectic dad, should've joined him.