Today, my favorite song came on and I started playing the air...

By Jordan - 30/4/2011 19:52 - United States

Today, my favorite song came on and I started playing the air guitar and head banging to it. I didn't realize just how close I was to the chair next to me and went face first into the metal back. FML

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Health

Get me away from here, I'm dying

What did I do?

Toxic parents

By Around - 23/5/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, after doing a graveyard shift at work, I took the bus home. I fell asleep on the way and woke up 25 miles away from my bus stop. I took another bus heading back and couldn't stay awake. I then woke up where I started from. FML

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By unemployed - 24/8/2012 18:00 - United States - Alhambra

Today, my mom called while I was at a job interview. I ignored the call, but the interviewer was so offended by the fact I'd rudely left it on at all, that he threw me out. I found out from my mom later that she'd called to wish me good luck. FML

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By Jerry - 19/12/2017 15:00

Such a Jerry thing to do...

Today, I woke up and realized I didn't start a fire last night. I live in Alaska and our winter nights can reach -30 below zero. My fish are dead, my plasma television won't turn on, and the cat has frostbite. FML

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By LicenseLoser - 13/11/2018 15:30

Today, I received a notice that I'm being fined for failure to renew my Florida license. I've lived in Maryland for the last seven years and I've never had a Florida license. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2015 02:25 - United States - Tampa

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for smiling and laughing too much. Last week, he reprimanded me for not smiling and laughing enough. FML

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By partycats - 23/7/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2019 14:00

Today, I was at a waterpark with my friends, waiting in line for about 45 minutes to go on the biggest ride there. When it was finally our turn, the lifeguard at the top pulled me over and measured me to see if I was tall enough. I wasn't. FML

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By Chubsley - 21/2/2009 07:44 - United States

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2017 20:00

Today, after spending five months helping my husband lose a ton, he left me. Apparently, "fit people" should only have sex with "fit people". FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2015 17:56 - United States - Camarillo

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

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By fmlxxxx - 23/9/2009 13:15 - New Zealand

Today, I got back from vacation and realised I still had the motel key. The key-ring has the address on it, so you can post it back to them. I drove to the postbox and posted the key. I then discovered that the motel key won't start my car. FML

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By jaci - 24/7/2016 15:27 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I went downstairs to get a drink and overheard my grandparents talking about me. They spent a good 15 minutes double-team attacking me for my failings as a human being, mainly me not being married with children yet. I'm barely 20. FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - 27/6/2009 07:03 - United States

Today, my attractive boss sat me down in the break room to say how much she appreciated how much work I've been doing despite being a temp. She was wearing a skirt, and I couldn't take my eyes off her legs. She then patted me on the leg and said "Good Talk". It wasn't my leg. FML

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By idiots - 29/11/2014 03:36 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I had to explain to a customer that 50% off a $50 item did not make the item free. FML

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By EnderHorse - 5/11/2015 20:52 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth worked on. I got tongue-tied and instead of asking if they could anesthetize me, I accidentally asked if they could euthanize me. FML

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By oh no - 22/6/2015 20:58 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for lunch. I ended up in the bathroom constipated and remembered reading it's easier to "go" if you are squatting. My girlfriend's dad walked in on me perched on the toilet like an owl. FML

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By back to creepers - 21/12/2013 20:05 - United Kingdom - Worcester

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a sign he made in front of my Minecraft house. FML

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By dogdays - 10/11/2014 01:12 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I left my dog alone while I went to work, like usual. He usually hangs out in the big bay window that faces the street. Today he decided to steal my vibrator and chew it while sitting in the window. I can only imagine how many people walked by and saw it. FML

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By bras r expensive ppl - 27/1/2017 16:00

Today, I realized I was at a top quality ski resort when, while riding the lift, I counted three bras which appeared to have been thrown into the trees from the lift. My little brother counted eight. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2016 09:21 - Australia - Canberra

Today, after the topic of grandkids came up yet again, my fiancé confessed that we've been having trouble conceiving. Later, I overheard his mum telling him to take my engagement ring back to the store and get a refund, because apparently I'm not worth marrying if I can't give him kids. FML

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By Stalkerella - 8/5/2018 05:51

Today, I asked my neighbor to kindly move his truck because it blocks my driveway and the side entrance to my yard. He responded by throwing a decapitated bird onto my front lawn and filing an injunction against me for stalking. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother." FML

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By Eeeek - 26/8/2010 21:17 - Bulgaria

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex in a rarely used room at school. We got carried away and found ourselves locked in. We slept there overnight. We woke up when the cleaning lady found us the next morning and were greeted by worried parents and school staff. FML

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By ET - 21/12/2015 23:30 - United States - Glendale

Today, I was at a small secret Santa with a group of friends. Everyone got each other some amazing gifts, the first person got a homemade self portrait, the second person got some professional grade playing cards, the third person got an album of past memories, and I got a pack of pens. FML

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By bummed - 14/4/2014 01:57

Today, my family and I went on a hike to a local abandoned gold mine, with the hopes of being able to explore the caves. What we didn't expect was four miles of treacherous, rocky, near vertical trails that led to the mine. Once we finally got there, exhausted, it was blocked off for safety reasons. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2011 13:36 - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

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By ahdeadcats - 31/8/2009 07:37 - United States

Today, I got to go back into my house after it had been tented. Suddenly, a foul stench filled my house. My husband checked all around the house and finally checked under the house. There were more than 12 dead stray cats under our house, and guess who was in charge of pulling them out? FML

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By BlueyedKat - 27/2/2016 06:03 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I found out that the money I spent on a very specific degree was wasted, because apparently, I don't qualify for a job at the place that told me I had to have that degree. FML

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By MouseLover.. - 30/9/2016 04:06 - United States

Today, I placed sticky mouse traps in my bedroom. it's now 12:05 a.m. and I've successfully caught a mouse. Too bad I'm scared of them and my husband is passed out asleep. I now get to listen to a mouse squeak all night and have to be up in 4 hours. FML.

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 20:33 - Canada

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant. He laughed and said, “April Fools, right?” then left the room, still laughing like it was the dumbest thing ever. Tomorrow's April Fools day. I really am pregnant. FML

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By Stung - 19/6/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, the weather was nice so I decided to eat outside. I quickly found out that my new, expensive hair conditioner attracts bees. Lots of bees. FML

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By kinkyapparently - 22/10/2015 14:47 - United States - San Juan Capistrano

Today, my husband broke his toe after tripping over a dog toy. Instead of telling the doctors what happened, he said it was "sex related". I had to sit there, beet red with embarrassment, getting weird looks while he giggled to himself. FML

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By oopsydaisy - 7/3/2017 11:00 - United States - Decatur

Today, I was working at the pharmacy and had a older man come in. He was buying Viagra and, by law, we are required to ask if the patient had any questions. His lovely response was, "When you coming over so I can test this stuff out?" His wife and daughter thought it was hilarious. I could've died. FML

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By chlorobitch551 - 5/11/2014 16:54 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I overheard my dad telling his friends that the only way I'll ever sleep with a woman is with the help of Rohypnol. FML

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By sauce - 24/9/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2015 12:21 - Australia

Today, I got detention from my teacher for not handing an assignment in. It would be understandable if I hadn't handed it in a week before it was due. She won't listen to reason. FML

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By cjay2200 - 28/8/2011 21:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML

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By thebigpeezy - 27/5/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, at Jiffy Lube a woman and her 4 year-old son were waiting at the checkout counter. As I walk by them, her son mistakes me for his father and holds my hand. The woman immediately grabs her son's wrist, looks at me, and says "Sicko." FML

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By Notpunny - 18/4/2016 22:58 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, while making small talk with a veteran, I made the mistake of using the phrase "Cost an arm and a leg". He was a double amputee. FML

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By GracieGirl - 4/10/2019 06:00

When feral kids attack

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

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Top comments

By ShrukiantheMad | 0

#2436464 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:46

Ouch man. Maybe you can't handle metal yet.

By Malkria | 1

#2436362 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:28

pow! right in the kisser!!!

COMMENTS

By tarabelle | 7

#2436304 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:21

ouch :(

largefoofighter | 0

#2436355 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:27

you're rockin and you're rockin and you got one more

pertained | 12

#2436365 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:28

This is why you leave guitarin for the guitarists

stfuitscindeeeh9 | 3

#2436406 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:34

Hope it didn't scar!

whiskuit | 0

#2436492 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:52

WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT.
NO!
WE AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT!
WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT.
ANYMORE!!!!
bah nah nah nah nah nah nah

ZX6Rninja | 0

#2436642 - Sunday 1 May 2011 2:29

man i thought your knees where like some gargantuan tits until i zoomed in

flashback.miss | 28

#2436645 - Sunday 1 May 2011 2:29

you will take it and like it! lolx j/k

Hide_Yo_Kids | 0

#2436802 - Sunday 1 May 2011 3:03

#34. the fuck is up with your picture???

Katie_the_Great | 6

#2436815 - Sunday 1 May 2011 3:07

33 is that your bike? Because it looks awesome!

Predental | 5

#2437028 - Sunday 1 May 2011 4:05

Face first? then surely you would have seen the chair there.

staceysgenesis16 | 0

#2437151 - Sunday 1 May 2011 4:42

ahahhh !! woww lololololololol

MissBunny25 | 0

#2437163 - Sunday 1 May 2011 4:45

metal head

GeneralGreivous3 | 0

#2437365 - Sunday 1 May 2011 5:36

If you wanna head bang, make sure there is nothing to bang your head on.

littlemissFYL | 5

#2437611 - Sunday 1 May 2011 6:37

41, I agree. it looks like someone just climbed into the girls window and snatched her people up.

KJLD5 | 0

#2437831 - Sunday 1 May 2011 7:37

bahahhqhahaha blbkiddhkkkvc thats frikimg hilariooouuuuus

Jimster1712 | 0

#2438010 - Sunday 1 May 2011 9:08

talk abt " metal"

By JRBradley | 9

#2436305 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:21

smooth!

xo_kat_xo | 0

#2436635 - Sunday 1 May 2011 2:27

agreed :)

By mrjmaster1234 | 0

#2436307 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:21

bam

By calley1011 | 0

#2436309 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:21

ouch:(

slynoble32 | 11

#2443122 - Monday 2 May 2011 4:57

its friday friday lmao

cheeturtle | 0

#2444088 - Monday 2 May 2011 8:37

113- lol I bet u that was the song he was listening to :D

By aquariusangel420 | 0

#2436312 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:22

HAHAHA YDI SMART ONE next time get a real guitar lol

By MarcyMarc | 4

#2436322 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:23

haha, that's hilarious!

By Malkria | 1

#2436362 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:28

pow! right in the kisser!!!

ChickenInMyKitch | 4

#2436758 - Sunday 1 May 2011 2:54

FAMILY GUY REFERENCE!!!

ChickenInMyKitch | 4

#2436761 - Sunday 1 May 2011 2:54

FAMILY GUY REFERENCE!!!

Uncle_Moe_Lester | 3

#2437220 - Sunday 1 May 2011 5:03

55 it can reference both get off his back

CaptainPickles72 | 18

#2437376 - Sunday 1 May 2011 5:39

55- Ah, the 1950's..........where spousal abuse was funny. XD

IbanezSprinter | 0

#2437643 - Sunday 1 May 2011 6:46

originally a Honeymooners quote...

By Insane_Tea | 15

#2436368 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:28

The wannabe rockstar thing worked after that, right?

By hiyourcute | 0

#2436386 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:31

YDI for headbanging

SirfinBurd | 0

#2438294 - Sunday 1 May 2011 10:33

It was my belief that in order for one to headbang, you need something to bang your head into. I don't see what the OP did wrong here.

FreakoHolm | 6

#2441742 - Monday 2 May 2011 0:52

Who doesn't like headbanging, it's awesome

dudeman1212 | 22

#4116065 - Saturday 3 March 2012 5:09

I can't live in this world anymore.
You've stepped on everything I live for.

By mk58 | 31

#2436389 - Sunday 1 May 2011 1:31

Tsk tsk, OP. Don't you know that it's actually possible to get minor concussions from head banging?? And of course there's always the risk of hitting your head...

Urklee | 0

#2437871 - Sunday 1 May 2011 7:52

unless you have hair... for some reason head banging with hair doesn't hurt... I mean like a lot of (almost to or past your shoulders)

nate_msm | 0

#2438283 - Sunday 1 May 2011 10:26

I use to have lob hair past my ass