Today, my father, who I rarely see, drove 400 miles to my wedding.... - FML

By JeezyCherieze - 11/4/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, my father, who I rarely see, drove 400 miles to my wedding. I was so happy to see him, until he got completely trashed at my reception, asked me where he could "score some weed" and told me what a bitch my mom was and how I needed to lose weight. For over an hour. At my wedding. FML

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Breaking Badly

Alternative medicine is bull

Bad news

By Anonymous - 11/5/2011 17:32 - Canada

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with tic tac. FML

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By mikay1413 - 8/10/2019 20:00

Gullible's travels

Today, my step-sister asked me what an organ donor was. I told her it's someone who delivers pianos. She believed me. FML

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By ananymous - 1/11/2012 03:04 - United States - Spencerport

Today, I was handing candy to a little boy who was trick or treating by himself. He was small enough to grab the candy and run past me into my house. I've been searching my house for two hours and still can't find him. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I found my two best friends making out with each other. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. Today was my wedding day. One of the friends was my maid of honor, the other was my groom. FML

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By Evjoel - 12/9/2016 10:52 - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, I decided to take some local college courses to improve my résumé. I got into the physics room and a large, multi-colored sign in large print stated, "NO THROWING OR STABBING." FML

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By fatty - 23/1/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, I asked my friend who is a fashion major why she didn't want to use me as a model for her senior project. She said my boobs were too big. I doubt it'd have been an issue if I were a girl. FML

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By Tara - 1/5/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, I went tanning for 15 min at my gym. When I got out no one was there, all of the lights were off, and the alarm started going off. Turns out the people working forgot about me, locked up, and left me there. FML

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By mmvv - 8/2/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that my boyfriend occasionally wets the bed. He's 25 and we're moving in together next month. FML

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By askprussia - 27/11/2015 02:32 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my brother was playing one of those old street fighter games. He suddenly asked me what "K.O." meant. I told him it meant "Knocked Out," but he started getting mad at me because "'knocked' isn't spelled with a 'k'". He's 17. FML

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By jess - 15/2/2012 17:47 - United States

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

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By aragmir - 18/12/2016 06:10 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

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By S3XY_SiNG3R - 11/4/2020 02:00

Confinement, episode 3774

Today, I woke up to use the restroom, because I had to take a shit. There was basically no toilet paper left. I asked my boyfriend if he could go get some. It was 1 a.m. He said he’d go when the stores were open, then told me to just rinse off in the shower. FML

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By anonymous - 30/6/2010 04:05 - United States

Today, my aunt and I wanted to do something nice. So we made cookies for a local nursing home. After tasting them, nobody ate any. FML

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By Mary - 21/10/2019 22:00 - United States

He's trying to kill you!

Today, while at a party, my boyfriend threw a temper tantrum. He screamed at me and then gave me the silent treatment. All because I said, "No thank you" to the crab dip he got for me. I'm allergic to shellfish, we've been dating for two years and it's come up before. FML

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By relievedbutashamed - 22/2/2019 20:00

Today, I left a coffee shop abruptly to go to my car to let out some really bad and loud gas. My window was partly open because it's broken. A stranger was walking on the sidewalk in front of me. He looked terrified. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my roommate that I never get asked out. Then, at work, a mentally challenged man left me his phone number on his pay ticket. Well, I guess I can't complain about never getting asked out. FML

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By No O-face - 18/1/2011 03:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over one and a half years told me he won't give me a hand job because "it's awfully wet down there," and he isn't "a fan of other people's bodily fluids." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 08:21 - Australia

Today, I won an award at school for my hard work. Afterwards, my parents told me off. Why? They wanted my brother to get it instead of me. FML

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By eleonor - 2/12/2008 04:57 - France

Today, I sent a text message to my boyfriend, saying "Come over in an hour, I love you." An hour later, the doorbell rang. It was my ex, looking happy and still as taken with me as before, with a bunch of roses. I'd got the wrong number. My ex and my boyfriend have the same name. FML

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By unfucked - 26/8/2012 23:18 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

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By N O - 27/5/2014 18:47 - Canada - Granton

Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML

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By howtragic - 17/8/2011 12:13 - Australia

Today, my husband wrote all these wonderful romantic messages to me via Facebook, proclaiming his love to me in front of all my friends and family. Too bad he hasn't spoken to me in "real life" for almost 3 weeks. FML

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By bobin - 29/8/2011 17:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept falling asleep while he was at my house with me. I tried to have sex with him to help wake him up, but he said he was too tired and fell back asleep. Five minutes later, my friend walks in the room with food. He woke up from the smell and got up to get some for himself. FML

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By anonymous - 4/9/2015 04:40 - United States - North Hollywood

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. I got a hold of the girl he was cheating on me with. She was as oblivious as I was of each other's existence. Apparently, the fucker told her he lived with his "sister," who's "a bitch and makes his life impossible". He was referring to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML

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By Inconnu - 18/6/2011 05:13 - France

Today, I was holding my drunken friend's hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party. She said, crying, "Y'don't have to do this..." I told her that that's what friends are for. She replied, "Yeah, but I did sleep with your boyfriend..." FML

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By whattdafuuukkkk - 5/6/2012 11:56 - United States

Today, a little girl walked up to me at Target and asked me what my name was. I smiled and told her my name was Kristen. She looked at the skirt I was wearing and said, "Kristen, can you wear pants tomorrow?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2015 14:21 - Australia - Auburn

Today, I saw a dick for the first time in my life, on the early morning crowded train headed for work. FML

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By Faluna - 17/2/2011 21:27 - Sweden

Today, I found out that the mysterious yellow mould that won't come off my apartment floor is in fact the remains of a condom my room-mate used when she was f*cking her boyfriend in my bed. Afterwards, she apparently threw it on the floor and let it lie there. For three weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2014 08:58 - Belgium

Today, in a rush to get out of my house to go to a doctor's appointment, I closed the door behind me without having my house or car keys on me. Sadly, it took me less than a minute to break into my own house. FML

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By Wititipwitpwit - 21/1/2009 10:03 - France

Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy my ass. My boss will be here in five hours. She'll know it was me. I'm the only night guardian. FML

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By MyNameIsNotJeff - 8/5/2015 03:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought me a pet tarantula. I now have one of my biggest fears crawling around my house. FML

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By icanunderstand - 10/7/2009 12:50 - Russian Federation

Today, I'm studying abroad in Russia, and I lost my keys to my dorm room. In the office I asked for a spare and she spoke really fast so I couldn't hear her. Assuming I don't speak Russian, she gets on the phone and calls maintenance saying, "There is this ugly girl about to cry... come fix it." FML

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By fuckmyplums - 7/2/2014 23:47 - Austria - Grossarl

Today, I worked up the nerve to ask my boss for a raise. Today is also the day I found out my boss has a shitlist of employees he wants to fire, and that I'm now on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2013 04:07 - United States - Mccomb

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

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By r1has - 12/9/2016 08:21 - Pakistan - Rawalpindi

Today, someone spilled ammonium hydroxide in ethanol solution in the lab, which smells like very concentrated urine. Since the experiment involved Bunsen burners, we couldn't turn on the fans. We had to work in a lab that smelled like Satan's piss for 2 hours. FML

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By Mary - 13/1/2013 15:49 - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to go to a UV-light party dressed all in white. Before leaving, my little brother dumped a glass of tomato juice over my head saying, "Now you look just like a used tampon!" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 10:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

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By child of a crazed women - 7/4/2013 09:19 - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

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By cheat - 18/10/2009 11:30 - United States

Today, I cheated at card games to let my boyfriend win. I did it because I don't like him to throw the cards at me when I win. Now he just thinks I'm 'so slow a turtle could kick my ass' and that he has 'a cute little bubbly spud-brained girlfriend.' FML

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Top comments

By Inspired22 | 11

#101729 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:45

I'm so sorry. Try not to let him get to you. It's your special day! Remember next time, you do have the right to make him leave your parties...he really would have deserved that.

By dramakat11 | 0

#286993 - Tuesday 9 June 2009 22:07

Did you tell him to go fuck himself? Seriously, disown the jerk. How dare he ruin one of the most important occasions of your life?!

COMMENTS

By infiniheart | 0

#101716 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:41

that's aweful
..first :)

Reply

Xuphra | 0

#947663 - Monday 15 March 2010 0:30

Your dad is a fucking dick for doing that...
But then again, nice of him to come over.

Reply

WorldCupCheer | 0

#996557 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 7:50

ouch he's an ass take him out of ur life

By valuemeal2 | 1

#101719 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:42

...At least he came to the wedding in the first place? Try to think positively!

By ScottyD620 | 0

#101721 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:42

Least he didn't ask you for gas money to see the wedding. And your mom probably is a bitch.

Reply

yousodi | 8

#2957317 - Saturday 23 July 2011 8:48

loool

By Inspired22 | 11

#101729 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:45

I'm so sorry. Try not to let him get to you. It's your special day! Remember next time, you do have the right to make him leave your parties...he really would have deserved that.

By PureGold | 0

#101733 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:46

Oy vey :(. I bet you didn't know he smoked weed before that either.

Well, at least he came!! And he wasn't drunk during the ceremony, also a plus. It sucks he did that to you though, at your own reception.

By blinkblink | 0

#101734 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:47

Hahahahaha #4 FTW

By commonsense | 0

#101736 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:47

lol roll up some of those dandelions in a joint. hell be too trashed to notice

By Serial | 2

#101747 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:50

so...tell us where we can score some weed

By ScottyD620 | 0

#101751 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:52

#9 - Free alcohol is nice, but to drive a total of 800 miles for it:?

By synnerr | 0

#101756 - Saturday 11 April 2009 9:56

Ha! Sounds like my dad... I feel for you.