Today, my family dragged me to an Alien-themed museum. They're...

By Help - United States

Today, my family dragged me to an Alien-themed museum. They're convinced they were once abducted and felt up by creatures from outer space. They talk, and spend all their money, on nothing else. I'm hungry. FML

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Geek

Proactive

Walk on the wild side

Deadly cocktail

By waterspike - France

Today, after finally getting a date with the girl I like, she invited her new boyfriend along as well. I ended up paying for their first date. FML

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By FabFor87 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, my boss asked me to send an email on his behalf with an important report attached. I've already received 3 responses from directors commenting on poor spelling and factual errors. I get paid 1/4 the salary of my boss and he can't even write properly. FML

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By NeverCampingAgain - United States

Today, I looked on my sister's phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: "Let's go camping again, I bought more condoms so we won't make a big mess this time." Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML

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By Marriedtoajew

True Love

Today, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, I got into a fight with my wife. Apparently, she feels that I shouldn’t have gone to the hospital because “Funerals cost less than surgery.” She brought an extremely detailed spreadsheet to prove it. FML

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By Brummsta - Australia

Today, I woke up with a cordless drill on my bed. The one I lent my neighbour last week. FML

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By sudoku_fiend - United States - Millville

Today, I discovered that I've spent so much time playing Sudoku in the bathroom at work that I've trained myself to need to pee whenever I open the app. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2020 00:30 - United States - Savannah

Boundaries

Today, I woke up to my step-mother taking a shower in my bathroom. Of course, this would be fine, if my bathroom wasn't connected to my room and closet, or that I live in an apartment in their back yard, built before she moved in. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while volunteering at my local library, a guy who smelled like crap followed me around all day. Every time I would bend over to shelf a book, he would start grunting. Apparently, he's going to be at the library every day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I kissed a boy I have liked since the first day of university. I was thrilled until he followed it with, "Right, I don't think we should tell anyone this happened. Not that they'd believe it anyway." He then patted my ass and walked away. FML

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By nicole - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend confessed that after every fight we have, he dips my toothbrush in the toilet. FML

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By vivelawank - United Kingdom

Today, I realised the only preparation I've done for my final French exam has been wanking off to French porn. FML

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By Aprilfools - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 5 years getting intimate with my best friend. When they saw me they immediately stopped and said nothing. After about 5 seconds of silence my boyfriend yells "April fools!" April Fools was 12 days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my school counselor in strict confidence for advice on how to help a friend of mine, who has bulimia. When I got home, I found out that "someone" had called my parents and told them that I'm bulimic. They won't believe the truth. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my mom and I staged an intervention for my alcoholic dad. Within minutes he'd turned everything around on us, claiming we're in no position to judge him for drinking since we use "too much water" when we shower. Apparently that's on the same level as being an abusive alcoholic. FML

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By Jill - France

Today, a friend of mine commented that I "have a lot of confidence for a fat girl". Ummm... thanks? FML

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By Nancy - United States

Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone cut off half of my ponytail. FML

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By Jpah - United States

Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice, we were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes she asked me "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?". She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I met my boyfriend's entire extended family at a party. All of them, including his dad, said I looked exactly like his mum. FML

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4841

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456

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By mama75 - United States

Today, I tried an herbal tea that is supposed to increase your milk supply (I'm a breastfeeding mom). Well, it worked, and it kicked in at my office, but only on one side. So when I went into the bathroom, I noticed I had one boob WAY higher and bigger than the other. Great. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to pick up my brother and his girlfriend from the bar at 2:00am because they were too drunk to drive themselves and had no money for an Uber. Five minutes into the ride, they started going at it in the back of my new car. I don't think I'll be doing favors again. FML

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By Dothy - France

Today, I had an important appointment for a job. During the interview, my cellphone rang. My ringtone is "Denver, the last Dinosaur". FML

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By OhFseriously123 - Italy

Today, I was having sex with a girl. She was really into it and not holding back on the noise...That is, until I received a text message from my little sister next door reading "If she is making that much noise, she is probably faking it...Trust me, I know." FML

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By bad sis - United States - Monterey Park

Backwards

Today, my family got very upset with me when I advised my brother’s girlfriend to take the kids and leave. They’re more upset with me telling her that, than the fact that my brother is an abusive serial cheater and a raging alcoholic, who hits her and the kids. FML

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By BobRyder - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I brought home my 3D glasses after a movie. I had a laugh about it until I realized that I put my $100 sunglasses in the recycle box outside of the theatre instead. FML

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By vishuzzbabe77 - United States

Today, I bought a Halloween costume for my cat. FML

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By embarrassed2 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tickled me. In between laughs, I warned him that I was going to pee myself. He didn't believe me. After I actually did, he suggested we use a "safety word" from now on so that he will know when I'm being serious. FML

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By jkl54 - United States

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the mall. We were looking at jewellery in Zales and she came across the engagement rings. She looks at one and says, "Are you kidding me? That ring is hideous and it's the most expensive one here! Who the fuck would buy that?" Well, that would be me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to accept, but that she'd basically have to get her mom's permission first. Apparently the answer was no. The worst thing is that she really is this unhealthily dependent on her mom, and probably wasn't lying about needing her permission. FML

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By madd_dizzle - United States

Today, my crush finally let me drive his truck for the first time in a empty parking lot, after he told me he liked me. It was so dark that I ended up driving into and pole and totaled his car. Now he hates me. FML

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By DoYourWorst - Canada

Dorsia? On a Friday night?

Today, marks yet another day when I've been threatened to be ruined with the words, "I know people in high places!" and had objects thrown at me at my workplace. I'm a hostess. FML

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By lancus - 7/6/2020 14:06

Patriotic ass

Today, my 6-year-old daughter and I were leaving a swimming pool when we passed the front desk, where there was a Canadian flag. She said, "Look daddy! A maple leaf! Just like on your ass!” I forgot that she knew about my tattoo and the flag. We ran out as people burst out laughing. FML

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By rugs - United States

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

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By Brunette, small breasts - Romania - Campina

Today, I decided to finally talk to my crush. I said "hello" to which he replied "first, dye your hair blonde and grow some boobs, then we can talk business." FML

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By 2ndgenoration - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my grandmother told me that since my dad was a mistake, I too am a mistake. FML

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By AngelAshley - United Kingdom

Today, I was swimming in the fast lane at the pool. A guy in blue trunks was swimming slowly and really getting on everyone's nerves. I took a break, and looking around I couldn't see him. I turned to the guy next to me and said, "Finally, Mr. Blue Trunks has f**ked off." It was Mr. Blue Trunks. FML

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By SkipBeatOtaku - 16/5/2020 20:00

A load of hot air

Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

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By Kat - United States

Today, I bragged to a coworker that our boss compliments me constantly on my work performance, my fashion sense, and my trustworthiness. She then directed me to a "neighborhood watch" website. My boss is a registered sex offender. FML

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By jitiizer - Netherlands - Leeuwarden

Today, a stranger called me, saying I look hot in the bra I was wearing. When I hung up, thinking it was a joke, I opened the back door, and saw a man running away from my backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML

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By 1fungi

Today, it's my 26th birthday. My girlfriend gave me a matchbox car, a glow necklace, and a squirt gun. For her birthday, I bought her a new dress, rented a limo, and took her around to bar hop with her friends. FML

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Top comments

By allinicolesmh | 0

#3105849 - Sunday 14 August 2011 8:50

Ask your leader to make you a sandwich then..

By jumpshot23 | 0

#3105841 - Sunday 14 August 2011 8:49

Time for someone to go beyond the final frontier and get a job!

COMMENTS

By jumpshot23 | 0

#3105841 - Sunday 14 August 2011 8:49

Time for someone to go beyond the final frontier and get a job!

YourEvilHero | 12

#3106208 - Sunday 14 August 2011 9:29

well instead of making this fml you could have gone and gotten something to eat.

Jaimegirl | 7

#3106257 - Sunday 14 August 2011 9:37

Find a college across the country when you've graduated from high school. Haha

Jacobt24 | 19

#3106296 - Sunday 14 August 2011 9:43

Were you in Roswell by any chance? There's is pretty cool.

rustbucket93 | 0

#3106530 - Sunday 14 August 2011 10:47

lol come back in a couple years were building a new building for it

Yngve_fml | 9

#3106612 - Sunday 14 August 2011 11:15

Your parents sound like they would be great members of scientology! :D

Pixxio_O | 11

#3107019 - Sunday 14 August 2011 12:56

I was once abducted...

Trololololololo_fml | 7

#3107122 - Sunday 14 August 2011 13:22

Well... use your own money on food then? :S

cfalen | 0

#3107486 - Sunday 14 August 2011 15:38

Oh man their taco they have there are out of this world!

jessesgirl14 | 16

#3107962 - Sunday 14 August 2011 17:31

I thought the same thing, lol I'm from Roswell so I've seen all those museums. Pretty crazy

MrWhite139 | 0

#3108881 - Sunday 14 August 2011 22:00

My thoughts exactly.

steveakafranxy | 7

#3111551 - Monday 15 August 2011 9:52

#41 I no a good therapist, u want her #?

By allinicolesmh | 0

#3105849 - Sunday 14 August 2011 8:50

Ask your leader to make you a sandwich then..

By Dr_Jalepenos | 0

#3105861 - Sunday 14 August 2011 8:50

Don't they have alien shaped cookies there? Yum.

DrIDGAF | 7

#3105894 - Sunday 14 August 2011 8:53

No that's the other alien museum

By BruceL33 | 0

#3105871 - Sunday 14 August 2011 8:52

Ydi for not checking them in to a mental hospital.

By citymayer | 7

#3105899 - Sunday 14 August 2011 8:53

Why not just fake sick? It's easy, just make yourself throw up.*

*Disclaimer: For emergency use only.

limblessorphan | 4

#3106036 - Sunday 14 August 2011 9:04

He has nothing to throw up, he's hungry!

mjninety | 9

#3106381 - Sunday 14 August 2011 10:03

Bile

Mikonam_fml | 8

#3108202 - Sunday 14 August 2011 18:49

He's a she

ptrick718 | 1

#3109088 - Sunday 14 August 2011 23:18

Win^

By RabidBunny | 10

#3105924 - Sunday 14 August 2011 8:55

Paul! XD

UnknwnClassicGrl | 5

#3106306 - Sunday 14 August 2011 9:45

Jaja, who is voting down? Paul is awesome!!

fluorescentadole_fml | 8

#3107549 - Sunday 14 August 2011 15:57

omg that movie was unexpectedly great! I loved the crazy creationist girl's tshirt with a picture of jesus shooting darwin and saying "evolve this" XD

rustbucket93 | 0

#3108690 - Sunday 14 August 2011 20:46

haha loved it watched litery right before reading this best part is when she say demon and starts sing amazing grace

By DrIDGAF | 7

#3105928 - Sunday 14 August 2011 8:55

Should've come dressed as an alien...

By block1 | 2

#3105934 - Sunday 14 August 2011 8:56

Then pretend your a alien. And beam yourself up some sammiches

BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#3106283 - Sunday 14 August 2011 9:41

My grammar Nazi sense is tingling; there is no Sam or Mich in there, it should be spelled sandwiches.

WitchyArmyWife00 | 0

#3106330 - Sunday 14 August 2011 9:49

That's spelling not grammar.

Pixxio_O | 11

#3107027 - Sunday 14 August 2011 12:59

OMG are you serious!? I've been spelling it as "sandwitches" all my frigging life!!!..

lookALIVEsunshin_fml | 1

#3108011 - Sunday 14 August 2011 17:47

27 -
He's not a Grammar Nazi, he's a Spelling Spetsnaz.
;D

Noob30 | 0

#3116402 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:47

Stupid Spelling Spetsnaz thinks he's a Grammar Nazi, yet he missed the real grammar mistake!
You said "your an alien", it should be "you're an alien".

By stroudie94 | 9

#3105980 - Sunday 14 August 2011 8:59

Phone home

By LOLtrollzin | 3

#3105986 - Sunday 14 August 2011 9:00

Alien sex is the next new thing and those probes are so sexy!