Animals: Today, my family came back from holiday to discover that my little...

By cathouse - United Kingdom

Today, my family came back from holiday to discover that my little sister had messed with the cat flap before we left. Several stray cats were able to come in, but were unable to get out, and left shit in various areas around the house. FML

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Animals

Out of it

Late term

Instadrama

By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I accidentally left my sister's hamster's cage open and it escaped. My dad recently put mouse traps down. Guess where I found her. FML

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By alopez1994

Today, I noticed this guy crying in the park. I went up to him to see what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him, and he also said he wanted to kill himself. My first response was "Don't, you'll regret it later in life". FML

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By fuck you btichass cuntshit - United States - Shelburne

Today, I accidentally dropped and shattered my small bathroom mirror. My sister came to see what was going on, took one look at the shattered mirror, and said, "About time you put it out if its misery." FML

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By fmylifegirl - United States

Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on a trip in the city. Unfortunately for me, the part of my appearance that the artist decided to exaggerate was my acne. FML

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By nyatzz - United States

Today, my landlady cut off the Internet to my flat. She says she has no use for it, and doesn't want to keep it anymore. I have 3 online assignments due in the next week, and finals the following week. FML

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By gtfb1993 - Canada

Today, I was at the laundromat, when an attractive girl set up at the machine next to mine. She looked me up and down, then noticed the skid-marks on my underwear. FML

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By screw life - United States

Today, my brother saw my side when my shirt came up, and asked when I got a tattoo; the pink he saw was in fact my stretch marks. Worst of all, I had to show them to everyone to prove I didn't actually get a tattoo. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to use anti-perspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evansville

Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML

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By sillybrohos - United States

Today, I spent 2 minutes struggling to cork a wine bottle for one of my tables only to have them eventually point out to me that the bottle was a twist-off. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Drumheller

Today, while arguing with my newly ex-girlfriend over how she cheated on me with a mutual friend, she tried to wash her hands of any guilt, saying that I was "selfish" and "just slut-shaming, really". FML

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By Anonyme - Canada - Saint-jean-de-matha

Today, I finally decided to get my five-year-old son a rabbit, so I explained to him how to take care of it. When I'd finished listing all the things he'd have to do, he replied, "That's too complicated... Couldn't we just eat it instead?" FML

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By duderboi99 - United States

Today, I was writing a huge paper for a class as our last grade. My dog starts scratching himself. He hit the power button on the computer. Nothing was saved. FML

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By CoyoteOldOne - 12/9/2020 08:59 - United States - Denver

DIY decoration tips

Today, I got an empty peanut butter jar to put my used insulin needles in so nobody gets stuck. My husband washed it for me. He also wrote all over it: "F*** off! Sharps! Do not f***ing touch! Go away! Do not f***ing throw away!" Thanks, sweetie. Now it looks like a crazy guy shouting on the subway. FML

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By Bhrugu - 3/5/2021 11:32 - India - Hyderabad

Covid depression

Today, after a month of online school due to the second wave of Covid in India, I discovered that I have lost the ability to enjoy most of everything I used to. I can't enjoy reading, eating, music, or everything else. The doctor says it's anhedonia. I'm not depressed, or at least that's I think. FML

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By UnluckyLatina - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was completely wasted, a couple of friends suggested that I throw a pie in the birthday boy's face. Only seconds after doing so did I realize that the centre of the pie had still been burning hot, since he screamed in agony. FML

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By really?!? - United States - Wendell

Today, I was driving my 9 month pregnant sister around in our golf cart and it died. I had to push it the rest of the way home. She wouldn't stop faking going into labor. FML

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By merrr - Canada

Today, I dropped my phone in the wet snow. I read that putting it in rice helps to get the water out. Three pieces of rice are now frozen into the power port, and I can't get the charger in. FML

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By booger - United States - Plano

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend began to stroke my nose. "You can pick your girlfriend, but you can't pick your girlfriend's nose," I said playfully. In response, he shouted "Yes, I can!" before painfully jamming his pinky up my left nostril. FML

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By PlsForget - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was volunteering at a neighborhood house tutoring a bunch of kids. Everything was going fine until one of them jumped on the table I was at, which broke and hit my knee. I swore in front of all the kids and my volunteer coordinator. FML

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By hayah - France

Today, I decided to not go to a strip club for the second Saturday in a row, because I didn't want to appear desperate in front of the strippers. FML

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By needabettermirror - United States - Holland

Today, I spent twenty minutes looking in the mirror trying to remove a blackhead from my chin. It was a freckle. FML

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By Ya - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was stopped by airport security. They found "small, suspicious, spherical objects" in my purse on the X-ray. After pulling me out of line, taking my purse aside and carefully opening it with tongs, they removed the bag of grapes I had packed as a snack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the canine behaviour course I am studying released a new assignment in which I need to film myself teaching a dog a new trick. The only dog I have access to is my sister's neurotic, anxious Chihuahua who bites at any sudden noise. FML

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By tipmeover - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had a job interview at a café. The interviewer asked me my availability and I told her that I was fully flexible. She laughed and said, "Really? That's tragic." FML

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By keerow - United States

Today, I realized that the homeless people I give change to all dress better than I do, including the one that doesn't believe in pants. FML

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By twelvie - Australia - Sydney

Today, my younger sister stopped talking to me. I got engaged to my boyfriend of 4 years and apparently, she's been in love with him since she met him. Through me. She's 12. FML

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By Crystal_Nicole - United States - Wichita

Today, my dog played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rahway

Double dipping

Today, I found out that I mean nothing to the man I have loved for over a year. He has been taking vacations with another woman, and is in fact, on a vacation with her right now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working in the box office. A group came in for tickets but wanted to pay individually. One paid $40 for a $25 ticket. Laughing, I reached for the calculator while saying, "I went to public school, so I can't do math." They didn't laugh. They were all teachers in public schools. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I'm the only one at work in a small office. The water tank sprung a leak. Guess who had to call the boss and get instructions via cell phone to turn it off? I can't even leave the office to change my soaked clothes, because I need to wait for an important phone call. Seven hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2021 14:02

I'm not lovin' it

Today, at my new job at McDonald’s, they only had uniform pants in a size 36 or 56, nothing in between. I’m a size 40 so I squeezed into the 36. When I told my supervisor I couldn’t tuck my shirt into the pants like they asked, because I couldn’t close the top button, she told me to lose weight. FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, I was excited about my friend going wedding dress shopping. Before I went to go work out, I decided to try on a prom dress from high school to remember what it felt like to get dressed up. It was too tight, I broke the zipper, and spent 45 minutes trapped before I cut myself out. FML

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By biwhat - Australia - Bassendean

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. He dumped me because apparently now there is "too much competition". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

Today, my girlfriend and I were snuggling and we placed our hands together, palm to palm. I can bend the tips of my fingers over hers, which apparently surprised her because she commented, "Huh, so big hands AREN'T related to penis size." FML

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By f4444 - United States - Highland Park

Today, the guy I thought I was exclusive with admitted that the only reason he comes over is because no one else will sleep with him. FML

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By sandyhome - United States

Today, I went on a date with a girl. We drove separately and met at the restaurant. Over the course of two hours she drank a gallon and a half of beer, then her boyfriend picked her up because she was too drunk to drive home. FML

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By Pang

Today was the last my last day of high school ever, to celebrate me and my friends were going to go into the city and hang out for a bit. I missed the bus they caught into the city so I caught the next one, when I got there I asked where they were. They didn't respond. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my Halloween costume finally showed up in the mail. Their consolation for a late delivery? A 50 cent discount. FML

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Top comments

By Happygofucky | 0

#2245933 - Sunday 27 March 2011 0:20

YAY! Moar kittehs! You can never have too many kitties :3

By TraceCase_ | 19

#2245527 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:05

...aaand had a big cat orgy for sure

COMMENTS

By awardZu | 0

#2245498 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:02

Disgusting... I hate cats!

BeastNerd | 3

#2245536 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:07

You mad brah?

awardZu | 0

#2245601 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:15

Just brings to mind a similar event. My mother was watching my house & left a window open. I came home to cats in my house that clawed everything & shit on my carpet. I really hate cats...

Lucidium | 0

#2245727 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:32

stupid mole man, wrong phrase to use there.

grizzvolleyball9 | 4

#2245746 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:37

I agree #1. Cats suck!

iBanana | 17

#2245785 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:45

Lmao. LMFAO. just imagine all the cats strutting around his house.

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2245788 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:46

How could you hate cats?! :O

pertained | 12

#2245844 - Sunday 27 March 2011 0:00

yeah, how could you hate cats? the own everything xD

By mmedeiros14 | 0

#2245513 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:04

thats gonna be fun to clean

hollisterluv9 | 0

#2247295 - Sunday 27 March 2011 6:52

haha thats hilarious FYL

gamercanadian | 11

#2247599 - Sunday 27 March 2011 9:04

londons ewww to the max

Ohmygiluvcookies | 0

#2247707 - Sunday 27 March 2011 9:29

looks like your cat's secret plan to have a house party while you guys were gone failed they all got locked in.
I bet they were starving!!!

Rykier | 0

#2255173 - Monday 28 March 2011 13:46

And now you see why I hate both cats and little kids.

By Xxak907xX | 0

#2245524 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:05

FYL...but I accidentally hit YDI...fail

By TraceCase_ | 19

#2245527 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:05

...aaand had a big cat orgy for sure

mmedeiros14 | 0

#2245550 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:08

LOL

sammy92 | 0

#2245645 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:22

No! bad kitty! - Eric cartman

Poffdaddy29 | 0

#2246529 - Sunday 27 March 2011 3:10

the kitty was being a dildo!

hotscar | 3

#2247208 - Sunday 27 March 2011 6:25

13, glad to see a fine ass girl knows her south park... which is where I am currently lol.

ubetrwatchBN | 5

#2247229 - Sunday 27 March 2011 6:29

Did anyone else pause at the cat flap part and wonder if it was some kind of dirty phrase that you weren't aware of? Then, I kept on reading and it was dirty in another way. X-) niceeee

By MadeToCommentOnT | 0

#2245546 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:07

Well, at least you like cats?

By L0veRebeccaBlack | 0

#2245558 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:09

How old is she?

swimmergal_14 | 10

#6210130 - Sunday 22 February 2015 21:49

I was about to ask the same thing

By amerwin | 3

#2245568 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:11

Just forget about the shit for now. With Easter just around the corner, you can have a productive Easter "egg" hunt in the near future.

By KingDingALing | 9

#2245639 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:21

Now you're the "crazy old cat lady" of the neighborhood!

By TheNinjaCat | 10

#2245643 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:21

Awh man, that stinks. Pun intended XD ahh atleast I make my self laugh XD

By TheNinjaCat | 10

#2245662 - Saturday 26 March 2011 23:24

tell me about it! their viscious and un-hugable. or trainable, cant do tricks, like XD

justalilrandom2 | 4

#2246236 - Sunday 27 March 2011 1:13

1) Cats can actually be trained, contrary to popular belief.
2) "They're."

That is all.

shaneac | 0

#2246505 - Sunday 27 March 2011 3:02

3) Vicious
4) Can't
5) Get a haircut, you hobo
6) I like to say hobo

justalilrandom2 | 4

#2246533 - Sunday 27 March 2011 3:13

7) Yes they can, it takes effort.
8) Scratching a little versus getting mauled by a dog, dogs are worse. When was the last time you heard of someone being killed by their cat?
9) I agree, get a hair cut.