Intimacy: Today, My family and I were in New Orleans. We passed by all...

By Anonymous - 03/04/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, My family and I were in New Orleans. We passed by all of the naughty peep shows with posters of naked women everywhere on the way to dinner. At the restaurant, my dad asks me if that was the first pair of boobs I have seen. My mom butted in saying, "Nah, remember all that porn we found?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 679

You deserved it 27 271

Intimacy

Dysfunctional

Earthquake

Rude awakening

By chapstick - 09/01/2014 03:23 - United States - San Dimas

Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 839

You deserved it 13 650

By Anonymous - 28/01/2010 11:00 - Norway

Today, I woke up with a hangover. I had a party last night. Besides a stolen TV, someone seemingly decided to take a dump in my piano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 471

You deserved it 30 122

By PiZzA_FaCe - 29/05/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 246

You deserved it 5 239

By Anonymous - 02/09/2011 13:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a music festival, watching one of my favorite bands. The security guys were throwing water into the crowd to cool us down. I saw some about to be thrown by another fan, so I stood with my mouth open to catch some of it. I ended up with a face full of hot piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 816

You deserved it 20 192

By 20month dry spell - 27/09/2018 03:00

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 699

You deserved it 1 349

Fight Club for Dummies

By Jeff - 23/05/2019 22:21

Today, my boyfriend and I were play fighting. He said, "I should stop trying to hurt you," before punching me in the face. I lost a tooth. He found it hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 909

You deserved it 244

By tvaladie - 17/04/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, I was bored and decided it would be fun to pretend to be an undercover cop and pull over other cars. The first car I pulled over was a real undercover cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 079

You deserved it 349 667

By mybad7 - 15/09/2009 08:13 - Australia

Today, I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. I passed out. I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin and in a puddle of my own wee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 896

You deserved it 34 410

By Unlucky - 25/07/2012 13:03 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I went on a fifth date with a guy, and he asked me if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend. Just after I said yes, he pulled out a contract and asked me to sign on the dotted line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 801

You deserved it 3 610

By na - 04/02/2009 14:35 - United States

Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolls off of me without finishing, and says, "I'm bored." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 840

You deserved it 7 525

By Tall Oaf - 14/07/2018 01:30

Today, my ex of 2 months, who I'm on good terms with, posted an Instagram photo with her new boyfriend, captioned "Love you babe, 4 months have never been sweeter." I've never been good at math, but 4 seems bigger than 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 167

You deserved it 276

By WasntWorthIt - 30/07/2014 17:04 - United States - Concord

Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 627

You deserved it 5 854

Very frustrating

By Anonymous - 18/01/2020 05:00

Today my Assistant Manager decided to pull a prank on me by walking up behind me and screaming my name. I screamed in terror and then swung around and punched him full force dead center in the chest right in front of my supervisor, manager, and several other employees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 325

You deserved it 238

By Rolax - 06/11/2008 09:38 - France

Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 337

You deserved it 6 021

By .... - 17/04/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 118

You deserved it 108 066

By Sonotsuave - 17/05/2019 01:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, I rushed home after my mom called saying our upstairs had flooded. Apparently, my little brother somehow broke the toilet while unsupervised and water overflowed everywhere. It even reached my closet, shoes, and books, and everything touching my floor in my room is now wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 752

You deserved it 119

Frustrated you are

By SlumLord - 27/11/2020 05:02

Today, when thinking about an Star Wars meme that said, "Quote Star Wars to describe your sex life", I realized that I had to stop at the title screen: "long ago" and "far, far away." FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 113

By Anonymous - 14/10/2018 22:00

Today, I arrived at the house we rented for my sister's engagement party. I was also told that I have to sleep in the most cramped bedroom with my uncle who sounds like a mortally wounded warthog when he snores. I paid for the rental. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 945

You deserved it 278

Double crossed

By ??? - 19/07/2020 05:01

Today, I found out the best man at my wedding was banging my wife after years of being married. My best man was my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 285

You deserved it 146

By Anonymous - 26/09/2010 07:20 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, telling him he needed to be more responsible, and stop relying on me for everything. When I told him to leave, he told me he needed some gas money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 473

You deserved it 5 615

BIKES!

By _aPerson_ - 22/04/2016 15:58 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I lost the key to my bike lock. I ended up having to cut it off, even though it was brand new. After spending 30 minutes hacking away at it, it finally came off. When I hopped onto my bike, I felt something poking my leg. My key was in my pocket the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 818

You deserved it 20 805

Laundry drama

By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 05:08 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I did laundry with one of my new white sweaters and other light-colored clothes. After it all went through the dryer, I found out there are now dark shades on it and it looks like a years-old old sweater, and can't be cleaned. I didn't even get a chance to put it on once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 427

You deserved it 675

By guessnot - 04/02/2013 02:16 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 825

You deserved it 4 638

All that for nothing

By Depressed - 14/07/2020 20:01

Today, due to some highly corrupted data that I had nothing to do with and no control over, around 5 years of pixel art I'd made, and spent most of my free time working on, has been permanently deleted, and there is no way to recover it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 753

You deserved it 321

By thanksjerk - 11/08/2009 05:01 - Canada

Today, I was talking with my friend-turned boyfriend and cutely told him that I could no longer remember all the things that he used to do that bothered me. He told me he could remember every one of mine and listed them all off for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 952

You deserved it 41 352

By Anonymous - 07/04/2009 15:51 - Japan

Today, I was in a store using the only bathroom there. After I was done, I realized I couldn't open the door. Panicked it locked me in, I banged on the door, and screamed for help. The security and a whole group of people gathered, only to find that I was pulling the door instead of pushing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 425

You deserved it 91 501

By Anonymous - 04/02/2010 08:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 728

You deserved it 7 800

By quit fucking up my life - 23/11/2013 01:08 - United States - Kenai

Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 577

You deserved it 4 894

By flipflap - 14/06/2015 06:35

Today, I tried to get a piece of glass out of my big toe. After an hour of poking and prodding, I finally got it out only for it to fall on the floor where I couldn't find it. Not five minutes later, I stepped on it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 225

You deserved it 7 058

By Anonymous - 09/09/2013 23:58 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 353

You deserved it 13 777

By foxyreegan - 04/02/2012 05:22 - United States

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 862

You deserved it 3 403

By xxlenalunaxx - 29/04/2015 11:11 - United States

Today, after waiting for 2 weeks for the right moment to meet my boyfriend's mom, she walked in as I was straddling him, trying to prove that I'd win in a wrestling match. I guess we met, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 520

You deserved it 4 251

By SadOral - 03/07/2019 00:01

Today, my wife fell asleep. I was giving her head at the time. Her snoring gave it away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 486

You deserved it 835

By mikesok988 - 07/05/2009 07:40 - United States

Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 320

You deserved it 4 781

By nubbins - 26/01/2010 06:56 - Canada

Today, I got a message from my ex saying how sorry he was for everything he did. He also said that if he wasn't getting married and having a kid we could still be together. We broke up a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 825

You deserved it 2 667

Sounds reasonable

By Anonymous - 08/08/2020 23:01

Today, my husband refuses to have sex with me, ever since I told him I wanted to try for a baby. When I asked him why, he said it was because he likes lack of responsibility and money in the bank more than the thought of a screaming baby, no sleep and strong suicidal urges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 133

You deserved it 1 709

Chainsaw massacre

By sleepless in sleeplessness - 18/06/2021 11:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend snores like a lumberjack. Even when I leave to sleep on the couch, I can still hear her through the door. She won’t go to the doctor because, "snoring runs in her family and they’re all just fine." Yeah, uh huh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 852

You deserved it 119

By Miriden - 19/07/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I got a call from a creditor asking for a Sarah. I told them that I'm not Sarah, nor do I know one. They then asked if she was my wife. Annoyed, I said, "Alright, when did I get a wife? I don't even remember having a girlfriend." They sniggered and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 463

You deserved it 7 475

By caitiexob - 20/02/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I found a note in my locker from a really hot guy asking me to prom. I went up to him saying how excited I was to go. He said "Oh you got the note?" and slipped it into the locker next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 216

You deserved it 2 604

By Joel - 02/09/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I found out that my company was throwing a work picnic. When i showed up, I realized that it had been planned months ago and I wasn't supposed to find out. The entire restaurant was there greeting me with faces of utter shock. Nothing says 'you suck' more than being 'that guy' at your job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 046

You deserved it 6 251

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Metal1209 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 April 2009 3:00

Well, now that your parents are clearly comfortable with you watching porn, why not ask them to take you to that peep show?

girlloveyoung 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 April 2009 2:46

ouch! wow, that some odd way your parents can talk to you huh? =p (embarrassing)

girlloveyoung 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 April 2009 2:46

ouch! wow, that some odd way your parents can talk to you huh? =p (embarrassing)

nolasaints 0

Send a private message

Monday 12 April 2010 5:13

gotta love nawlins!!! dats where I'm from!

sapiano 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 May 2010 2:47

I went there in first grade and saw my first pair

kuyekandy 0

Send a private message

Thursday 5 August 2010 4:35

I live there to! haha! small world! :)

Serial 2

Send a private message

Saturday 4 April 2009 2:49

you should of kept that conversation going!, great dinner talk

ello_ello 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 April 2009 2:50

"Thanks Mom and Dad, I remember now why I am a virgin"

JackTheRipper_fml 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 April 2009 2:59

well delete the porn on that computer next time and they won't suspect you haven't seen boobs.

SadinSherman 16

Send a private message

Thursday 7 July 2011 18:52

It's too late now,they know

Metal1209 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 April 2009 3:00

Well, now that your parents are clearly comfortable with you watching porn, why not ask them to take you to that peep show?

SpandexMan 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 April 2009 3:01

They could have been bluffing to scare you into confessing.

Blazin247 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 April 2009 3:01

atleast she wasnt angry but, that still sucks

Charons_Deckhand 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 April 2009 3:12

Hahaha, sucker.

kwbuzz23wk 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 April 2009 3:21

haha find a real vagina instead of watching porn in your parents house

seitosilver 0

Send a private message

Saturday 4 April 2009 3:26

She could have been joking

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 10

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39

You deserved it 11

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 167

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 93

Add a comment - Reply to : #

Top comments

Comments