Intimacy: Today, My family and I were in New Orleans. We passed by all... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, My family and I were in New Orleans. We passed by all of the naughty peep shows with posters of naked women everywhere on the way to dinner. At the restaurant, my dad asks me if that was the first pair of boobs I have seen. My mom butted in saying, "Nah, remember all that porn we found?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

76641

You deserved it

27245

Tweet

Share

Instadrama

I'm a mess

Furry family

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. I was on their bed having sex with their daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11862

You deserved it

39265

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out who's been stealing clothes from me during swim practice. She called me a liar, despite wearing one of my sweaters, which has my initials stitched into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48420

You deserved it

2761

Tweet

Share

By Unlucky taxi driver

Today, a passenger in my taxi left without paying. They left their phone, so I posted a message about it from their social media, exposing them. Turns out they'd stolen the phone from someone else. I ended up getting arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3357

You deserved it

536

Tweet

Share

By mommyopps - United States - Madison Lake

Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

21821

You deserved it

3541

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, I went to the dentist for the first time in years. His first comment upon inspecting my teeth: "Meth. Hell of a drug." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30920

You deserved it

11528

Tweet

Share

By AVeryConfusedGuy

Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6598

You deserved it

584

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Dimas

Today, I met my neighbors for the first time, as they helped me carry my dead cat off the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36077

You deserved it

3129

Tweet

Share

By Isoldael - Netherlands

Today, I caught three kids setting fire to a bush. After chasing them off, I parked my bike by a house and went to get water. After I'd put the fire out, I walked back to my bike just in time to see the kids running off with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32959

You deserved it

5084

Tweet

Share

By ThisIsAgony - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my little sister is having a friend spend the night. Our rooms are right next to one another and the walls are thin. We are now entering the fourth hour of a singing contest so off-key that it should be illegal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45765

You deserved it

3590

Tweet

Share

By FromNL - Netherlands

Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38719

You deserved it

6612

Tweet

Share

By whatthewhat? - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't trust her after cheating on me with 3 guys. Our friends are sad about it so they're throwing her a pity party. Now I'm single and I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40794

You deserved it

3513

Tweet

Share

By bezoar10 - United States

Today, my mother and I went to lunch and there is a really cute waiter that works at the diner. I requested him to wait on us like I sometimes do. While we were waiting to be seated, I heard one waiter say to the cute one, "Ya, the creepy one is back, and this time she brought her mom!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

21799

You deserved it

70140

Tweet

Share

By lunarboy - United States

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11675

You deserved it

68646

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Excitation morning

Today, while I was in bed, my cat licked my nipple. It turned me on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1819

You deserved it

619

Tweet

Share

By someone - United States

Today, I'm staying in a hotel where the lights are automatic. They turn on when something moves and turn off when everything is still. I'm a sensitive sleeper and I move in my sleep, so the light wakes me up. It's currently 2 a.m. and all together I've gotten about 20 minutes of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35431

You deserved it

4432

Tweet

Share

By If IQs could be negative... - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I had to drive my husband to hospital after he tried to burn his pubes off with a lighter as part of a bet. On the upside, he probably won't be bugging me for sex for a while. On the downside, I'm married to a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35268

You deserved it

5614

Tweet

Share

By justmyluck25 - United States

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31726

You deserved it

11865

Tweet

Share

By Kilamo

Today, I paid $2300 to a mechanic for fixing my car. It's also the day I got into an accident and totalled said car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1549

You deserved it

149

Tweet

Share

By vishurricanes - United States

Today, I was on the bus when my crush told me to come and sit with him. I got all excited, especially when he put his arm around me. He then whispered in my ear "Hey, is your friend over there single?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

52750

You deserved it

3214

Tweet

Share

By wow babe - United States - Arnold

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38888

You deserved it

5562

Tweet

Share

By juliearis - United States - Westport

Today, my husband received the "antique" samurai sword that he bought on Craigslist with $399.99 of our money. He only shared my outrage at the waste of money when he opened the package, only to find a toy sword along with a note saying, "HAHA, TROLLED." FML

I agree, your life sucks

58669

You deserved it

10260

Tweet

Share

By advanced history teacher - United States - Phoenix

Today, I asked my class to name some West African countries. Several of them thought Ebola was a country. I teach an AP history class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37219

You deserved it

4098

Tweet

Share

By Gen - France

Today, I was telling off one of my friends, a fellow student of medicine, who was spending his evenings watching "House" instead of revising for our important exam, as I was. The topic mentioned in the episode came up in the exam. He got 4 points more than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31444

You deserved it

9295

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10330

You deserved it

31294

Tweet

Share

By Emily - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, my friend posted my phone number all over the Internet, claiming I was a deranged stalker who prank called her. I was calling from my new number to give it to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23071

You deserved it

1978

Tweet

Share

By nmaidkieavg

Today, I got pulled over for a traffic violation. Thinking I could get away with it, I spoke with a French accent. The officer then asked me a question in perfect French. I got a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8385

You deserved it

55901

Tweet

Share

By MonsterProblems - Croatia

Today, I had a sneeze attack while my nose was bleeding. Now my living room looks like a crime scene. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38184

You deserved it

3312

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 14:01

No excuse

Today, I missed my chance to see my mum for the last time because my son is such a selfish druggie, he couldn’t be bothered to stay sober long enough to pass on the message from the hospital that she was deteriorating fast, and likely only had a few hours left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2263

You deserved it

175

Tweet

Share

By getting real crafty.. - United States - Sanford

Today, my mother found out about the psychology exam I have to take tomorrow. Before leaving for her vacation this morning, she grabbed the internet router and took it with her to "get rid of distractions". I have one day to figure out how to access this online exam without Internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28958

You deserved it

1995

Tweet

Share

By Dog fart - United States

Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44359

You deserved it

3881

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I found out that ever since I got my blonde highlights, I've been mocked behind my back at work, and nicknamed "The Skunk". FML

I agree, your life sucks

18803

You deserved it

13379

Tweet

Share

By nekkidness - United States - Carthage

Today, my friends and I were playing truth or dare game. It was late and we were drunk, so they dared me to run naked into my neighbor's yard while yelling, "Help! The pixies took my penis!" I ran screaming right into their big family reunion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9511

You deserved it

38827

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my 6'8" Russian friend picked me up, a 5'0" petite girl. This would be fine if he hadn't been startled by a moth and dropped me down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2998

You deserved it

217

Tweet

Share

By

Travel gift

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1164

You deserved it

2701

Tweet

Share

By andifalls

Today, my 70 year old grandma was yelling at me to take a pregnancy test, in the middle of Walmart. I'm 16, still a virgin and haven't had a boyfriend since I was 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38350

You deserved it

3512

Tweet

Share

By pikachu_43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, because I thought I was about to have an asthma attack, I had a panic attack. Then, the panic attack caused me to have a real asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31560

You deserved it

4171

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was in the gas station and I saw this creepy lady staring at me and smiling. She just didn't stop. I even gave an awkward wave to let her know that I saw her staring at me. Finally I decided to confront the woman, turns out the overly happy woman was a cardboard cut out FML

I agree, your life sucks

15424

You deserved it

66147

Tweet

Share

By smiletellsall - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. He had a huge smile on his face, so I assumed I was going to get promoted. He then sat down, and told me that he had been sleeping with my wife for the last three months. He still had a huge smile on his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66660

You deserved it

3089

Tweet

Share

By DENTALITY - Norway

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28978

You deserved it

3637

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, a colleague told me he was pretending to be me on a dating site, and that he has four pending dates. Last time I tried being myself, my first and only date pushed me down some stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22838

You deserved it

1669

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Metal1209 | 0

#80851 - Saturday 4 April 2009 3:00

Well, now that your parents are clearly comfortable with you watching porn, why not ask them to take you to that peep show?

By girlloveyoung | 0

#80800 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:46

ouch! wow, that some odd way your parents can talk to you huh? =p (embarrassing)

COMMENTS

By girlloveyoung | 0

#80800 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:46

ouch! wow, that some odd way your parents can talk to you huh? =p (embarrassing)

Reply

nolasaints | 0

#978545 - Monday 12 April 2010 5:13

gotta love nawlins!!! dats where I'm from!

Reply

sapiano | 0

#988097 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 2:47

I went there in first grade and saw my first pair

Reply

kuyekandy | 0

#1191195 - Thursday 5 August 2010 4:35

I live there to! haha! small world! :)

By Serial | 2

#80811 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:49

you should of kept that conversation going!, great dinner talk

By ello_ello | 0

#80816 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:50

"Thanks Mom and Dad, I remember now why I am a virgin"

By JackTheRipper_fml | 0

#80848 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:59

well delete the porn on that computer next time and they won't suspect you haven't seen boobs.

Reply

SadinSherman | 16

#2839624 - Thursday 7 July 2011 18:52

It's too late now,they know

By Metal1209 | 0

#80851 - Saturday 4 April 2009 3:00

Well, now that your parents are clearly comfortable with you watching porn, why not ask them to take you to that peep show?

By SpandexMan | 0

#80857 - Saturday 4 April 2009 3:01

They could have been bluffing to scare you into confessing.

By Blazin247 | 0

#80859 - Saturday 4 April 2009 3:01

atleast she wasnt angry but, that still sucks

By Charons_Deckhand | 0

#80901 - Saturday 4 April 2009 3:12

Hahaha, sucker.

By kwbuzz23wk | 0

#80929 - Saturday 4 April 2009 3:21

haha find a real vagina instead of watching porn in your parents house

By seitosilver | 0

#80941 - Saturday 4 April 2009 3:26

She could have been joking