Love: Today, my ex from high school is married and has kids but still...

By let it go! - United States - Hesperia

Today, my ex from high school is married and has kids but still found time to make yet another fake profile to berate me for cheating on him when we were 17. I've already blocked him, moved states, and changed my number twice. We're in our 30s. Fml

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Love

Dad jokes, part 43884

All in the family

Medicare for all, please

By partycats - United States

Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By anonymus - United States

Today, I asked a woman where her beautiful accent was from. The woman stared at me for a while. Then her daughter told me that the reason her mother talked like that was because she had a stroke a few months ago. FML

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By Username - United Kingdom

Today, I was unbelievably horny so I sent a kinky text message to a boy I really like, only to receive the reply, "Not tonight, I'm raging Minecraft, having a wank, and going to sleep. Try again tomorrow." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rock Island

Recognize this?

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my vagina. He replied, "What's that?" FML

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By 3-wheeler - United Kingdom

Today, I left my car in a disreputable area. After picking it up later on, I heard a strange "clonking" sound. The clonking suddenly stopped when my wheel fell off; someone had stolen my wheel nuts. FML

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By inheritance - Denmark - Lyngby

Delayed

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

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By Momo8612

Today, while shopping for groceries, a small child pointed at my face and exclaimed : "DOGGIE!" FML

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By ugh Buck! - United States

Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML

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By DB - United States

Today, my parents met my boyfriends parents for the first time. Bailing us out of jail. FML

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By American Idiot - United States - Duluth

Today, my husband picked a fight with me because I have more pictures of our child on my desk at work than I do of him. FML

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By Miss_Blaine - United States - Houston

Today, I learned that my husband and I share the same taste in men. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bremerton

Today, my ex told me that she's 3 weeks pregnant with my child. Not only was she on her period when I broke up with her last week, her friend let me know that the positive pregnancy test she showed me was a fake that she'd bought online. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

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By Wow - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and told me to come to her college, so I did. I was greeted by the campus police who told me to stop harassing her because she no longer wants to be with me. Then they told me I was no longer welcome on campus and hereby banned. She used campus police to dump me. FML

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By Arachnaphobic - United States

Today, when putting something away on a high shelf, something small and black fell down my cleavage. I thought nothing of it and finished the task at hand. When I pulled out the neck of my shirt later to find it and looked down, glaring up at me from my boobs was a large, disgruntled spider. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

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By notready - Australia

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend at a dinner with our two families. Not only did she flatly reject me, my dad said, "Good call. He's not ready." FML

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By JimmyT - Norway - Bergen

Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me for a glass of water and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my mom put breast milk in my cereal until I was 7 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving out to a concert I've been excited about for months. I was using my GPS to guide me to the venue. It decided to guide me to an abandoned warehouse in the middle of town. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Odem

Today, my 70-year-old coworker managed to do something to our shared computer for it to not boot up. This is our 4th computer since we've been working together, and he refuses to believe that he's the problem. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I witnessed my psycho neighbor put her cat in a cage, cross into my backyard, and set the cage down before returning to her house. She then called the cops and claimed I'd stolen her cat. The cops didn't believe my side of the story for a second. FML

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By unloved - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. When it came time for us to leave, I saw him write something on the receipt for our waitress. I managed to get a quick look; it was his number. FML

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By unicorn - United States

Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend. Suddenly he starts speaking gibberish. I ask what's wrong? He says, "I was just talking to my unicorn. He says you're pretty," and winks at me. What have we learned today? The person I like is a freak, and apparently unicorns are real. FML

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By failuretolaunch2 - United States

Today, my boyfriend managed to orgasm by humping my leg. I'm beginning to think I am dating a puppy. FML

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By outofajob - United States - Farmington

Today, I gave feedback on how the store is run at the owners' request, because they don't understand why everyone keeps quitting. I guess they took it personally, because they asked me not to come back. FML

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By :-O

Today, I came home from work early only to find my naked roommate in the living room with his ass in the air. Apparently, he was doing an experiment to see if you can launch a ball of tissue paper into the air by placing it on your bare anus and farting. FML

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By dj163 - Australia

Today, my (now former) best friend kicked me out of the band I started because I wasn't 'dedicated enough' after a 3 day 'holiday' to visit my dying uncle. He also during this 3 day 'holiday' convinced my girl friend to leave me and date him. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

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By PixiXOXO - Denmark - Birker?d

Today, I realised just how cripplingly self-conscious I am, when I couldn't even fantasise about having sex with a guy without feeling shy and insecure about my body. FML

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By housematefromhell

Today, my housemate revealed her supposed loss of function of her arm was all a lie. I spent hours in the ER with her and had to go to work the next day. Last time she lied about cancer. I'm stuck sharing with her for another 7 months. FML

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By babyboomerang - United States

Today, I spent hours baking a multi-layered, detailed cake from scratch for my mom's birthday. It took two seconds for my dog to devour the cake while I picked up a spoon I dropped on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mansfield

Today, my wife brought my 5-year-old daughter to visit me at the office. My boss has a speech impediment, and when she heard it, she exclaimed, "Hey my daddy can sound just like you! Show him daddy! Show him!" FML

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By broke_broken - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, after paying back the money my grandma lent me to fix my car, I stepped outside, only to see my car leaking antifreeze all over the driveway. I had to ask for the money back to fix it again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML

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By bojangles - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I don't like his facial hair and that he should shave it off. He replied, "You first." FML

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By efmylife - United States

Today, I threw a paper ball into a recycling bin backwards. I don't know whats more sad: the fact that that was my highlight of my life, or I had been attempting to make that shot every day for 3 years. FML

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By elijahrobrt - United States

Today, I went to a great concert. Against all odds, I got to meet the band. All I had for them to autograph was a flyer protesting their concert that was given to me on the way in. FML

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By firedofbirthday - France

Today, I was fired. Why? Because I called in sick on my daughter's birthday, even though you cannot "abandon work for personal affairs". My boss's favorite employee got to skip work on his wife's birthday two weeks ago. He still works here. FML

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By butch - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

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Top comments

By Phillycheeze | 20

#7731299 - Saturday 1 December 2018 22:14

Time he grow up. Sometimes a broken heart never mends.. I noticed a comment that said tell his wife. If you think you have problems now involving his wife will most definitely create a storm of crap for you. Regardless of why he dislikes you, keep ignoring him.
If it goes beyond the petty crap on Facebook. You may have to seek legal help.

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7731335 - Saturday 1 December 2018 23:24

Cheaters deserve something, but this is wayyy too long for this to still be happening, unless you cheated on him with his dad or something.

COMMENTS

By Emma Marshall | 19

#7721930 - Sunday 11 November 2018 22:37

Tell his wife lol

Jaelkus | 28

#7731343 - Saturday 1 December 2018 23:46

Cause that can’t possibly go wrong at all. You sound like the person that would use a match to check if a gas tank was empty.

By Phillycheeze | 20

#7731299 - Saturday 1 December 2018 22:14

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7731310 - Saturday 1 December 2018 22:46

If he is this obsessive over a high school romance it would be very concerning if his wife ever left.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7731311 - Saturday 1 December 2018 22:46

You’re still “the one.”

Does his daughter have your name?

melisssa87 | 30

#7731347 - Saturday 1 December 2018 23:48

I feel so sad for his wife

RichardPencil | 29

#7731384 - Sunday 2 December 2018 2:19

And his kids.

By protoskore | 26

#7731314 - Saturday 1 December 2018 22:56

time to make screen captures and call his wife

By onceuponatime456 | 16

#7731318 - Saturday 1 December 2018 23:01

Have him charged for stalking.

By Jeremy Phillips | 18

#7731326 - Saturday 1 December 2018 23:16

Will part of me believes that you deserve some of this for cheating on him when you were 17 I feel this should have ended a long time ago. He obviously has some unresolved issues and these need to be addressed.

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7731335 - Saturday 1 December 2018 23:24

Cheaters deserve something, but this is wayyy too long for this to still be happening, unless you cheated on him with his dad or something.

By chosha_fml | 25

#7731361 - Sunday 2 December 2018 0:30

Dude needs therapy.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7731366 - Sunday 2 December 2018 1:08

how is he married