Miscellaneous: Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside...

By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside my house at 1am, drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

The end of the road

Workaholic

By takeshi

Today, I took my girlfriend to a restaurant we both like. By the end of the date, we were fighting and she angrily broke up with me. To make things worse, I got food poisoning. She didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 02:01

Stalker vibes

Today, my ex-girlfriend got some new piercings and decided to show me. They are the exact same piercings that the girl I'm currently seeing has. I'm starting to think she's still keeping tabs on me. FML

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783

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By screwed - United States

Today, I finally figured out why I've been getting diarrhea so often over the past six months. It only happens whenever I do something "sneaky". My body reacts strongly to how I stress over potentially getting caught. I'm a private investigator, and I apparently need a new career. FML

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Today, my teacher told me that unless I went into medicine, math, or engineering, I would never amount to anything in life. This wasn't even two minutes after I told him I want to be an author. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after house sitting for my neighbor, I realized that he has a camera pointed at my pool. FML

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By _TaToRtOt_ - United States

Today, my step dad stole over $400 worth of savings from me. He spent it on alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero. FML

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By Ishii - Canada

Today, I found out that, if timed just right, the alarm function on my phone can be disabled by a text message. And my dad has an impeccable sense of timing. I was 20 minutes late for work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Peters

Today, I finally stood up to the guy who's been bullying me for the last 2 years. Even though he's been caught in the act several times, he never gets punished, so I figured I'd get away with gut-punching him. Nope. An hour later, I was suspended from school. FML

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By whydoihavecats - United Kingdom

Today, I found out what mouse intestines squashed against my bare feet feels like. FML

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26417

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By Worst Way To Get Promoted

Promoted!

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

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By AlwaysAfraid - United States

Today, I received the honorary title of "student of the month," because I'm the only quiet kid during class. Truth is, I just have no friends. I was given an award for being socially awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I started my job as a driving instructor. My first client showed up piss drunk. FML

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By handyjon - United States

Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML

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30814

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By pranksonpranks - 14/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Dicks aplenty!

Today, my sister and I have been in a prank war. She spammed my phone with dozens of random dick pics from the internet. My boyfriend saw and accused me of cheating. Now he won’t talk to me, and my sister won’t help me explain things. Guess she won. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making a move in a board game that helped my boyfriend win, he got all excited and said "I love you, babe." I smiled until I realized this was the first time he told me that other than when he wants a blow-job. FML

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By Idi - France

Today, I arrived right on time for my train. Only problem, it was the wrong station. FML

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20084

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By Paris101 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I emailed 10 parents inviting them to my son's birthday party. All 10 emailed back saying their kids had to get a cavity filled. FML

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By Catie - United States

Today, my husband and I went to the state fair. The entire time, he complained about all the money we were losing because of the high prices of both rides and food. Towards the end of the night, we counted the cash we had left and found we were $50 short. Apparently, it fell out of his pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be a great idea to tell my co-worker to calm down when he appeared to be very uptight. He thought it would be a great idea to punch me right in the face. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Home Depot because the lamp I'd bought there a few days ago was missing a part, and I wanted to get one that was complete. They wouldn't change it because it wasn't complete, and the policy said they wouldn't change anything that wasn't complete. FML

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1770

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By SunshineX7 - United States - Springfield

Today, I got so self-conscious about weight gain that I got paranoid about how much my Castle Crashers character was eating to heal. FML

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By Anonymous

Can't win

Today, my supervisor told me off for doing something. When I reminded her that she told me to do it, she yelled at me for correcting her. FML

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2238

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By inapickle - United States - Topsham

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me as I was browsing a baby name website. I explained to him that I was naming characters for a novel I was planning to write, but he is completely convinced that I'm pregnant, and has even told his parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told the girl I've been seeing for a while about the strong feelings that I have for her and that I was falling in love. She told me my words made her realize what it felt like to be in love. My words were so powerful, in fact, that she ran right back into the arms of her ex boyfriend. FML

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By sXeQueen - United States

Hush

Today, my boyfriend was having a really bad day, so I decided to call him and try to calm him down. At one point, I thought it would be sweet to sing him a song since he claimed to love my voice. Before I could get half way through, he told me to shut up because I was getting on his nerves and just making things worse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Belleville

Today, I came home from the minimum-wage job I suffer through to support my now ex-boyfriend's ailing music career. It seems his time management skills suck almost as badly as his music, because I found him in my bedroom, licking whipped cream off my step-sister. FML

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By boob sisters - United States - Lilburn

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML

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By tiredoffamilydinners - United States

Today, my mom and siblings got into a fight. Being generally quiet and non-confrontational, I stayed out of it. Shortly thereafter, I was yelled at by my mother for being "ungrateful" and "disrespectful." I still don't know what I did wrong. FML

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29513

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By lilithfaye - United States

Today, my newly ex-fiancé, the father of my 5-year-old child, moved out of state with no warning. I just spent my last $500 paying off his car, and the rent is due tomorrow. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML

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By monster1109 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I got into the shower with my glasses on by mistake. I spent 5 minutes convinced that the fog in my vision was me going blind. FML

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By aintgotnoteeth

Today, after 6 dentist visits, 2 root canals, and $1,500 that I'll likely have to sell vital organs to pay, the agonizing tooth pain I've had for months is unrelenting. Apparently, shrugging and offering to experimentally yank all my bottom teeth is my smurf-shit of a dentist's actual plan. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Death_Arc_Angel - 22/1/2021 09:09 - Trinidad and Tobago - Fyzabad

Mystery

Today, we're in the middle of a contagious deadly pandemic, and despite not having physical/sexual contact with anyone in over a year, I managed to contract herpes. I don't even know how I got it. FML

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By blarghhhh - United States - Owosso

Today, I woke up with the flu. My wife thinks I'm faking it so we don't have to go on date night, even though I've been on the toilet all day. FML

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19961

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By Anonymous

Today, I finished hauling all of my possessions from another state, because I was supposed to move in with my girlfriend. I was just waiting to find a job. Almost as soon as my stuff was delivered, she broke up with me and told me to figure out getting it all back by myself. FML

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1992

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159

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my brother decided our bathroom needed a clock so he used an old DVD player. He put it on the edge of the tub. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 8 year-old niece and I were arguing over how many letters were in the alphabet. Guess who was right. FML

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By cat.imakittycat. - New Zealand - New Plymouth

Today, I was outside with my two new kittens. A woman came rushing over, saying how glad she was that they were outside. She then started complaining that she had only been able to see them through the windows previously. I have no idea who she is or where she lives. FML

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33988

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By deweyd8855 - United States

Today, I moved back home after unsuccessfully trying to find work in Florida, despite living there for nine months. About 45 minutes into my 18-hour drive home, a TV station called me to offer me a job interview. I applied for that job over three months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Great Falls

Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a $250 pair of headphones for a $1 soda. FML

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Top comments

By Steve95401 | 49

#5283279 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:23

OP's cat is probably the only pussy he'll be getting.

By nuggetmonster | 12

#5283274 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:22

It looks like you and your cat helped him start his future as a crazy cat man.

COMMENTS

By nuggetmonster | 12

#5283274 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:22

It looks like you and your cat helped him start his future as a crazy cat man.

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml | 12

#5284045 - Thursday 27 December 2012 5:40

Haha! You do some crazy shit when you're drunk. XD

By AZbeastboSS | 2

#5283276 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:22

He's a drunk cat burglar!

UncleMuscles | 5

#5283851 - Thursday 27 December 2012 3:01

Drunk cat burglars have feelings too.

By Steve95401 | 49

#5283279 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:23

OP's cat is probably the only pussy he'll be getting.

accioshannon | 17

#5283285 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:25

He didn't even get the pussy, it said he TRIED.

cupcakeluv26 | 7

#5283324 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:41

The least he could have gotten was a pussy

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5283386 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 23:22

13 - Technically, the least he could have gotten was nothing.

Sly_Assassin | 11

#5284070 - Thursday 27 December 2012 5:58

WIN!! But I feel sorry for the Guy.. But that's only if OP ended the relationship

By accioshannon | 17

#5283280 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:23

Congrats on the engagement! :)

By sergentkyle | 12

#5283287 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:25

Did you call the cops? A similar thing happened to my sister, but she slapped the fuck out of him.

By abu4u | 26

#5283289 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:26

Talk about getting the Pussy one way or another.

LolPieRofl | 11

#5284015 - Thursday 27 December 2012 5:26

He couldnt get the pussy one way or the other, he tried.

By Epikouros | 31

#5283293 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:27

Sorry! I wanted to steal you, but I can't lift 300 pounds when I'm drunk.

By TheOnlyKittyKat | 15

#5283297 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:28

Crazy cat gent! O_o

By natalalaliee | 9

#5283303 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:30

I feel kinda bad for him though. He must have really been in a rough place. But the cat stealing was hilarious haha

Deadpoolscomedywriter | 6

#7412830 - Sunday 19 February 2017 5:24

right!!!

By Kiki242 | 19

#5283305 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:31

Did the cat scratch his face?

howdeedoo | 22

#5283333 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:48

Hopefully