Miscellaneous: Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside...

By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside my house at 1am, drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dementia or hate? You decide

There's no helping some people

Deception

By Anonymous - United States - Hudsonville

Today, my dad thought it was perfectly acceptable to ask my girlfriend how many guys she screwed before me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I'm 8 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be leaving for Paris with my college abstinence group for a year. FML

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13384

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By Cassidy - United States

Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML

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By StratMan - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my feelings to this girl I'm crazy about. I even wrote and recorded a song for her. Instead of listening to it, she gave it to her ex boyfriend who responded to my heartfelt words by headbutting me. FML

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37936

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By published_anthropologist - United States

Today, my girlfriend of eight years explained to me that the Egyptian pyramids were built by aliens from Mars. I have a B.S. in Biology and an M.S. in Anthropology, and I am working on my Ph.D. She thinks I'm an irrational idiot for telling her she is wrong. FML

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By MexicanMe - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had breakfast with his grandmother. She told him how I'm prettier than "that Mexican" he'd brought home for dinner last week. We had dinner with her last week, and I'm that same Mexican. She then went on to how Mexicans are what's wrong with the economy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family flew out to surprise my grandma for her 70th birthday. When we arrived, she and my grandpa were both sitting on the couch, high, smoking a joint. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went outside to scrape the inch and a half of ice off my car so I could get to work. After half an hour of intense scraping, I realized that it wasn't my car. FML

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By Noname - United States

Cassius

Today, I went on my porch for a late night cigarette. When I opened the door and took one step inside, all I remember is a big thud. I woke up 5 minutes later with my father over top of me saying, "Nice right hook, huh?" Then he chuckled. He thought I was a burglar and he knocked me out. FML

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By amanda - United States - Lafayette

Today, my doctor told me that I suffer from orgasm migraines. Basically, I get an intense migraine that lasts for hours after I have an orgasm. FML

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By AJShow80 - United States

Today , I won 20 dollars on a lotto scratch off. My friend, pissed, makes me split the money saying its collateral for the gas money used to get us there. He then uses his 10 dollars on a scratch off, and wins 500 dollars. The jackass wouldnt split it. FML

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By FallCameEarly - United States - Alhambra

Today, at my job as a librarian at an old library, I was shelving books. Things were great until one entire bookshelf fell over. The damage wasn't too bad. Then the rest fell down. FML

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By Shamed - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the toilet at work. After a very loud and very smelly session, I waited until the other stall had been vacated to keep my anonymity. As I leant forward for some toilet roll, my ID fell out of my pocket and into the next stall. When I came out, it was face up near the sink. FML

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By atterz123 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML

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By Rosie - Germany - Wesel

Today, I woke up to the sight of my boyfriend playing a game on my iPhone with his penis. FML

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By redjesus69 - United States

Today, after almost nine months of doing anything and everything to show my love for my girlfriend and make her happy, she told me she would give "anything" to relive the one week of her and her ex's relationship where she was the happiest in her life. FML

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By Ineedlotsofwater - United States - Seattle

Today, I found out why I receive random drug tests at work. The safety department was specifically told by my boss to check up on me because I always seem way too cheerful to not be high. I've passed every single test. FML

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33626

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By Jess - United States - Modesto

Today, in a desperate attempt to add some variety to my life, I resorted to closing my eyes and picking a random font for my essay paper. FML

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35700

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By -_- - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my girlfriend, when out of nowhere, I was savaged and brutally humped into submission by a massive Great Dane. Not only did my girlfriend watch it all, but the dog's owner took the time to snap a few pictures with his phone. Neither bothered to help me. FML

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By Sadasian - United States

Today, my mom and dad were arguing. It started getting really heated, so I tried to go break it up. But within a couple of minutes, my mom wanted to make a statement by throwing a plate to the ground, forgetting I was beside her. I now have a throbbing foot with shards of glass in it. FML

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By ShamefulShoop

cringe intensifies

Today, I took my mother grocery shopping. From the opposite end of the snack aisle, she yelled, "They don't have my darkies! Ya know how I like my darkies!” She was talking about dark pretzels. I don’t think the appalled black couple next to me knew that. FML

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3470

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By AboutToBeHomeless

Today, I received a letter from my landlord's attorney. It said my landlord is terminating my "verbal" lease with him. Ten years ago, the deal began as rent to own. My landlord is my grandfather. FML

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By Wouldntitbeniceif - United States

Today, I went for a hike with the local search and rescue volunteer group that I recently joined. I got lost and spent 5 hours wandering aimlessly. FML

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By castironstomach

Today, I learned that my daughter will literally eat until she is sick to keep her father and brothers from getting her dessert. I also learned that my boys are sympathetic vomiters. All five of them. FML

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2682

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By whyyy - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML

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By Jess

Today, I called a doctor's office for a referral. I was in public, so when she asked me what type of issue I had, I mumbled that I had a vaginal issue. After painstakingly having to repeat this several times, she said she was asking what kind of insurance I have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flew into Denver. Never being here before, I was excited to see the view from our window. In the middle seat, I leaned over to look - at the same time yawning to relieve pressure in my ears. The yawning caused me to drool on the stranger sitting next to me. FML

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By suuuuuupucci - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Have a good one!

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

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29114

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By Fuzzy - Australia

Today, I was watching Star Wars : Attack of the Clones, and Yoda was using the force to move a heavy object. While in the middle of my loungeroom, I instinctively put my hand up to use the force to help him, infront of my father and sister. My sister will never let me live it down. FML

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By RIPLife - Switzerland - Carouge

Today, I managed to have 17 different nosebleeds throughout the most important job interview of my life. I managed to bleed all over my own suit, my résumé, the carpet, and the corridor leading to the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working a haunted house. I have a really good spot where I hide and scare people. This really hot guy was walking up, and I jumped out and screamed. He punched me in the face. FML

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By mettaton

Today, I realized that my mom talks to me with the exact same tone of voice she uses for my little cousin. I’m 23 and my cousin is 2. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting at the bus stop and noticed a girl that I played netball with. I ran across the road to meet her and she ran across the car park to meet me. We hugged and looked at each other slowly backing away as we both realised that we didn't know each other. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I spotted my ex boyfriend with his friends. To make myself look less lonely, I put my iPhone up to my ear and started an imaginary conversation with my invisible boyfriend. As I passed him, my phone started ringing loudly. It was him calling. He knew I was faking. FML

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By pretty princess - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

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24752

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By handyjon - United States

Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor about my bruised runners toes. She was inexperienced when It came to athletic injuries, so she googled my condition. I just paid to have her tell me exactly what I had already just googled before I left for my appointment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was taking my grandma shopping, when she pointed at a pair of thongs and told me if I don’t start wearing them I won’t get a man. I've been married for 4 years, gran. Thanks for paying attention. FML

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21113

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By Anonymous - France - Saint-renan

Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML

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28116

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By Moe - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to my flat after a night on the town and staying at my girlfriend's. My flat was flooded. I had been sick in the sink and left the tap on all night. FML

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Top comments

By Steve95401 | 49

#5283279 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:23

OP's cat is probably the only pussy he'll be getting.

By nuggetmonster | 12

#5283274 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:22

It looks like you and your cat helped him start his future as a crazy cat man.

COMMENTS

By nuggetmonster | 12

#5283274 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:22

It looks like you and your cat helped him start his future as a crazy cat man.

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml | 12

#5284045 - Thursday 27 December 2012 5:40

Haha! You do some crazy shit when you're drunk. XD

By AZbeastboSS | 2

#5283276 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:22

He's a drunk cat burglar!

UncleMuscles | 5

#5283851 - Thursday 27 December 2012 3:01

Drunk cat burglars have feelings too.

By Steve95401 | 49

#5283279 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:23

OP's cat is probably the only pussy he'll be getting.

accioshannon | 17

#5283285 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:25

He didn't even get the pussy, it said he TRIED.

cupcakeluv26 | 7

#5283324 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:41

The least he could have gotten was a pussy

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5283386 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 23:22

13 - Technically, the least he could have gotten was nothing.

Sly_Assassin | 11

#5284070 - Thursday 27 December 2012 5:58

WIN!! But I feel sorry for the Guy.. But that's only if OP ended the relationship

By accioshannon | 17

#5283280 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:23

Congrats on the engagement! :)

By sergentkyle | 12

#5283287 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:25

Did you call the cops? A similar thing happened to my sister, but she slapped the fuck out of him.

By abu4u | 26

#5283289 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:26

Talk about getting the Pussy one way or another.

LolPieRofl | 11

#5284015 - Thursday 27 December 2012 5:26

He couldnt get the pussy one way or the other, he tried.

By Epikouros | 31

#5283293 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:27

Sorry! I wanted to steal you, but I can't lift 300 pounds when I'm drunk.

By TheOnlyKittyKat | 15

#5283297 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:28

Crazy cat gent! O_o

By natalalaliee | 9

#5283303 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:30

I feel kinda bad for him though. He must have really been in a rough place. But the cat stealing was hilarious haha

Deadpoolscomedywriter | 6

#7412830 - Sunday 19 February 2017 5:24

right!!!

By Kiki242 | 19

#5283305 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:31

Did the cat scratch his face?

howdeedoo | 22

#5283333 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:48

Hopefully

Cassius

*cringe intensifies*

Have a good one!

cringe intensifies