Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break...

By why - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break up with me because "bros before hoes". They met for the first time last week. FML

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3257

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Love

Misheard

And probably giggling

Cake is everything

By no low five - United States

Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML

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44754

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my job as a hairdresser, I was giving an elderly client a perm and I thought she'd fallen asleep. She'd died. FML

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By JustMarried - Ukraine

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

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18020

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4214

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By soldierboy - United States

Today, after nearly 2 years of continuous fighting in Afghanistan, my unit came home. We were booed at the airport. FML

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141349

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By Facepalm2020 - 21/6/2020 23:01

Sips unsee juice

Today, my mom asked me what twerking was. When I said that it was a club dance, trying to get out of telling her what it actually was, she begged me to teach her how to do it. My mom complained to my dad, who grounded me for not teaching her to twerk her ass. FML

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1418

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304

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By Anonymous - United States - Framingham

Today, my fiancé pawned off my engagement ring so he could buy himself a PS4. FML

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39522

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4866

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By hot4donny - United States

Today, my family and I were watching Mulan, and I mentioned that I've always had a crush on Shang. After going into detail about how I would "marry his sexy voice" I decided to look up this mystery dream man. To my surprise he was played by Donny Osmond. I will never live this down. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my current boyfriend was so impressed by my blowjob abilities he sent my ex-boyfriend a message saying thanks. FML

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31867

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By IbetIgotAIDS - United States

Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML

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95441

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Croydon

Today, my face got intimate with several plywood boards, and I suffered lacerations and bruising. I told my friends I got the wounds from taking a few guys down in a bar fight. Now they're dragging me out into a rough part of town to give them "muscle" while they try to score some crack. FML

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8289

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By anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML

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26779

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, whilst pleasuring myself in my bedroom, I began absent-mindedly staring at a spider on the ceiling. It wasn't until the point of climax that I realised that I was, in effect, masturbating over a spider. FML

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28348

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By AllieOops - United States

Today, my roommate told me that unscented deodorant prevents ingrown hairs on the bikini line. She shared this beauty tip with me when I caught her using my Lady Speed Stick on her snatch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36390

You deserved it

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By BigMouth McRedface - United States

Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My cell phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

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10777

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By ohwell - United States - Arlington

Today, I handed in my 2 weeks notice, since I have to leave for college soon. My boss told me it was fine, then cut all my remaining shifts. FML

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14358

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1267

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 08:08

Forever alone

Today, being a lonely exchange student, I slept with a guy from my dorm who I don’t genuinely like, just to show myself a good time. His equipment, fully deployed, was not even the size of my thumb and the entire business lasted less than 20 seconds. I was lonely enough to let him back in again. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

808

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1904

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By PlayTag - United States

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

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53689

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18646

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By Jordan - Jordan - Amman

Bugging out

Today, I wore a new shirt, but forgot to remove the price tag. It was kind of windy outside, so when I got outside, the tag hit me on the neck, I thought it was a giant insect attacking my neck. I started screaming like a little girl. I'm a 30 year-old guy. FML

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27525

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss put me on suspension for violating company policy by having non-work related mail in my inbox. They were spam emails. FML

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32928

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2255

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By faitesdesgosses - France - Mantes-la-ville

Today, I asked my 7-year-old daughter what job she would like when she grows up. She calmly replied that she wouldn't have one; she'd just bring her husband round to my place and steal food from me. FML

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48024

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By piss off - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer at the fast-food joint I work at gave me a pitying look and asked "How's that liberal arts degree treating ya?" FML

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19724

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By Not-pregnant - United States - Melbourne

Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

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43509

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By wtf - United States

Today, my parents went to the Cayman Islands, leaving me at home in freezing Iowa. Also, even though I never get into trouble, they don't trust me enough to be home on my own. So they hired a babysitter to stay with me until they get back. I'm 17. FML

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35113

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I checked my son's browser history, as he's been acting strangely around his computer recently. I found several bizarre Google searches, including but not limited to: "unicorn dick-farts", "sharting kittens", and "can you get AIDS from Asians?" What the fuck is wrong with him? FML

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31183

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, to get back at me for breaking up with him, my ex-boyfriend thought it would be really funny to post semi nude pictures of me on Craigslist. To top it off, he decided to give all 200+ people who responded to my ad my home phone number. I'm getting non-stop calls from horny freaks. FML

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57530

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By Anonymous

Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper. FML

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46324

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By minette08 - United States

Today, I discovered that the seal on my driver's door is defective. I made this discovery when I got rained on while I was getting my car washed. FML

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24005

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By Luke - United States - San Antonio

Today, after all of the business cards for the car dealership that I work for were printed, the phone number was wrong, and the lady got so pissed about getting so many calls that she told them that they had won a free car. I had to tell dozens of ecstatic customers that they hadn't. FML

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24535

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a 31% on a Chinese test at school. I moved here to New Jersey from China two months ago. FML

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62357

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By voyagevoyage - France - Les Montils

Today, I told my neighbor that I was going to Réunion Island on vacation in a few months. She said that she'd always wanted to go there. As a light-hearted joke, I said she should come with me. She's now booked a plane ticket. FML

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38579

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By maddengirl12 - United States

Today, my mom and I flew three hours from Wyoming to a volleyball camp in Kentucky. When we arrived, we went to the volleyball center and told them I was there for the volleyball camp. They told me it had been cancelled two weeks ago and they forgot to call us. FML

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54356

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By Lindsey Taul - United States - Granite City

Today, while driving home from work, I heard a loud crash immediately followed by the sound of wind and shifting glass over my head. My sunroof exploded for no perceptible reason 5 days before Christmas. FML

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4119

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By love_to_live - United States - Waupun

Today, while in the store with my kids, they wanted to buy tampons because I am "getting cranky, and it should be that time of the month." FML

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12764

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By almost jobless - United States

Today, I was at work, photographing a baby boy. I grabbed a bench for him to use to hold himself upright. His mom asked if she should hold him instead, but I told her he'd be fine. Two seconds later, he fell backwards and brought the bench down on top of him. There goes my job. FML

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11588

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By freezingggg - Reserved

Today, like always, my parents are such tightwads that they refused to turn the heating system on, despite the ball-freezing temperatures. I was so cold, I had to resort to warming my hands up over the toaster. FML

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29085

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss fired me from my job at a local family-owned business. Thanks, mom. FML

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39496

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By Anonymous - United States - New Ulm

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

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53721

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Donegal

Today, my grandparents came over for a family dinner. I'm somewhat overweight, and my grandma kept making sound effects in time with me doing pretty much anything. When I complained to my dad after she made a long farting sound as I sat down, he told me to suck it up. FML

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44869

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By Anonymous - United States - Foxboro

Today, my son volunteered to help me cut out coupons. When I got to the register at the store, I noticed he'd cut off all the barcodes. FML

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28079

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By oops - United States

Today, I made fun of a girl singing passionately along to a song on her radio while in traffic next to me. She decided that her chocolate milkshake would make a good addition to my brand new seat covers. FML

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Top comments

By Kyrstin Budd | 11

#7703830 - Thursday 4 October 2018 15:10

Sounds like you dodged a bullet on both accounts.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7698220 - Monday 24 September 2018 3:47

To Hell with both of them. You'll find the right guy eventually, OP.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7698220 - Monday 24 September 2018 3:47

To Hell with both of them. You'll find the right guy eventually, OP.

By Kyrstin Budd | 11

#7703830 - Thursday 4 October 2018 15:10

Sounds like you dodged a bullet on both accounts.

By onceuponatime456 | 16

#7703846 - Thursday 4 October 2018 16:08

Why is this being re-posted? I read it at least 2 weeks ago!

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7703947 - Thursday 4 October 2018 19:41

First time was probably in the Nearly FML section. That's where I read it, and posted my comment.

By ameliakate | 9

#7703848 - Thursday 4 October 2018 16:09

True bros before tha hoes

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7704676 - Saturday 6 October 2018 13:52

If you live by that rule, you must never get laid.

By Jorn van der Ar | 13

#7703914 - Thursday 4 October 2018 18:16

Keep dating idiots and your life will be always like that.

By Inline4 | 7

#7703924 - Thursday 4 October 2018 18:50

Guess they are brothers from different mothers

By TxKitten79 | 10

#7703968 - Thursday 4 October 2018 20:13

If it was that easy, he wasn't all that into you and you're lucky to find out now rather than later.

By mekiswrite | 19

#7703969 - Thursday 4 October 2018 20:16

Maybe don't introduce your current boyfriend to your ex next time.

By BeachMammal | 8

#7703995 - Thursday 4 October 2018 21:15

He'd fit in with the Senate Republicans.

By LAUGHINGKOMODO | 25

#7704100 - Friday 5 October 2018 5:37

TRUTH