Love: Today, my ex-boyfriend came over. After I finished pouring my...

By k - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over. After I finished pouring my heart out to him about how much I missed him, and how much I loved him, he looks at me and asks "So are we gonna do it, or what?" FML

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Love

Proactive

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Coherence dude, do you have it?

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I took my driver's test. I did everything flawlessly, but my examiner kept all but pissing his pants throughout. He yelled, "ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?!" when I drove past a traffic light just as it was about to turn red. The road was almost empty. He failed me on the spot. FML

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By retail can shart a cock - United States

Today, a customer's credit card was declined. His totally reasonable reaction was to threaten to put a bullet in the back of my head. FML

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22770

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By cl3v3l4nd5t34m3r - United States - Geneva

Today, I got into a fight with my mom over the chores, and stormed out. When I returned later, I found the house had been egged. My mom told my dad she saw me do it, and he won't believe my side of the story. He says I'll be lucky if I see sunlight this summer. FML

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29774

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By crazy_mom - United States

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

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38509

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Warrington

Yada yada yada

Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

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42002

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By fd_uplife - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wants to "become" a lesbian. I also learned that she's coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sister is her date. FML

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72315

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By bucollegegirl - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he said that I should go to the bathroom so we don't end up pregnant. When I asked why, he said that I need to "pee out the semen." I explained to him 5 times that I don't pee out of my vagina. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By spark - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my windshield wipers being stolen twice in a row, I decided to hide in my car to catch the thief. I fell asleep. When I woke up, the new wipers were gone. FML

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41856

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By mat - France

Today, me and my family watched the video of my birth. In the video, when my mother sees me for the first time, she says "God he's ugly!" FML

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By Ethan_18 - United States

Today, as my 12 hour shift was about to finish, a young boy came in wanting to buy a $200 gaming device. His mom said he was purchasing it with his own money, which I found admirable. That is, until he took his piggy bank out of his backpack. FML

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By LoserOfTheYear - United States

Today, I went to have my eyebrows waxed for the first time. After signing in the receptionist looked at me and said "Lip wax?". I told her no, my eyebrows. She sat me down and the waxer walked up, took one look at me and said "Lip wax?" FML

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By afather - United States - Worthing

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML

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39252

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was expecting my period. To avoid the embarrassment of everyone in the office finding out, instead of putting tampons in my bag, I hid one in my bra. It fell out while I was coming back from lunch. I am now known to all as "The Tampon Dispenser". FML

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33903

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By BetrayedGirl - United States

Today, my friend told me men can't be trusted. I told her that wasn't true; I have my husband's password to his email but I never check it because I trust him. She bet me he was doing something bad, and to prove her wrong I looked. Turns out he has been cheating on me for 8 months. FML

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By crossl17

Today, I bought a new $10,000 car since my old one broke down. Today, I also found out the old one wasn’t starting because i never had it in park. FML

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1103

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By Brad - Canada

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML

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157056

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By diplomaless - United States

Today, I found out the high school I have been doing at home for the past 3 years isn't accredited and doesn't count for anything. I'm 18 and starting high school as a freshman next year. FML

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61376

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By mizzleshizzle - Canada

Today, I dropped my physics class because I thought I bombed the 50% second midterm test. I got my results an hour after dropping online. I finished with an 83. I can't get back into the course. FML

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8269

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Anonymous's next job could be in cyber (she just doesn't know it yet)

Today, my doctor told me the severe hearing damage from my car accident is permanent. I just graduated with a degree for Interpreting and Translating. FML

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1538

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By mike - United States

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML

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20285

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By coolcat10156 - United States - Keller

Today, while waiting the required 5 minutes for my hair removal cream to work, my cat rubbed all over my legs while I wasn't looking. After getting clawed to death throwing her in the bath to get the cream off, all her hair on that side fell off. I now have a half hairless cat. FML

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25961

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By Jenievonteese - United States

Today, I was having a nice dream in which a beautiful butterfly flew by me and got stuck in my hair, fluttering its wings against my neck. Then I woke up and realized the "butterfly" stuck in my hair was actually a giant wood roach. FML

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By um... what the fuck, miss? - United Kingdom

Today, I was buying ingredients for a salad. I had only picked up a few cucumbers, when an elderly lady came up to me and murmured, "Make sure you use lots of lube, or that'll hurt. Been there, sweetheart." What the HELL? FML

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By 14YearOld - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my parents have a list of everything I have ever Googled. FML

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39795

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By ahhnotoy - United States

Today, I bought a box of Fruit Loops. When I got home, I noticed a free prize would be in the box. I sifted through the box, looking for the small toy. It wasn't in there. I don't know what is more sad, the fact that I got ripped off by a children's cereal or that I'm 21 and upset by it. FML

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By MoreThenFriends

Rachel! Emily!

Today, my friend's father got me mixed up with his new wife when telling stories for his wedding speech. Everyone noticed. The new wife was not pleased. FML

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2914

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By joonsson

Today, I had to get an EKG device attached for a 24-hour test. Not too bad, but I have to wear a string vest over it, and every time I move, it chafes something crazy. My nipples in particular. Only 22 hours to go. FML

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3935

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By Anonymous

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

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1956

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1538

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By ouch - United States - Union City

Today, I stopped to replace a stuffed bear that had fallen from a small memorial for a girl killed nearby. Her mom happened to walk by and thought I was stealing it. She hit me with her purse. FML

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34465

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By Username - United States

Today, I drunk texted a guy I like. We'd met at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. FML

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By Jeepers - United Kingdom

Today, after playing in an online casino, I won £200. Being pretty tight for cash at the moment I was pretty excited. I then tried to withdraw it to be told that I can't have a penny of it because I didn't register my card details first. FML

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By - United States

Almost father

Today, my 15 year old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML

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22163

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By MitchFail - United States

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

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20648

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By ksamp - United States

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

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43120

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By pist

Today, I was lying in a lawn chair next to my wooden fence when a yellow liquid started spraying me. The neighbor's douchebag son was peeing through the small hole in the fence and soaked me. FML

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4614

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By darkrebel01 - 21/4/2020 02:00

Caught in the act

Today, I found out how fast my dad's reaction speed is. I was coming downstairs and sat next to my dad on the couch to show him something I did in a class. He was on an adult website and didn't notice I was coming into the room until I was sitting next to him. FML

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By SnurklesMcGee - Canada

Today, I learned I don't have to spend Valentine's Day alone. My parents invited me along on their date. FML

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21512

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By Username

Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML

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35037

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By boobmilk - United States - Hesperia

Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML

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Top comments

By Jessaly_fml | 0

#2720 - Monday 16 February 2009 20:28

... why do you love him, again?

By jm88 | 0

#2764 - Monday 16 February 2009 21:39

Yeah #8! Tell her how much you'd care for her more and she'd drop all her potentials for an FML stranger!

COMMENTS

By sour_cake | 0

#2714 - Monday 16 February 2009 20:14

wow, what an ass :

By Jessaly_fml | 0

#2720 - Monday 16 February 2009 20:28

... why do you love him, again?

By LolSoiSoiSoi | 0

#2747 - Monday 16 February 2009 21:07

Shouldn't you be happy?

teentee401 | 36

#6091450 - Friday 17 October 2014 4:17

No. He completely disregarded her feelings and obviously only cares about sex, not her

By carriealana | 0

#2748 - Monday 16 February 2009 21:09

lol

By SirCut | 0

#2753 - Monday 16 February 2009 21:12

If you were my girl, id gently massage your feet every night until you fell asleep.

123sploosh | 0

#415352 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 5:50

ftw

NotaVinci | 19

#6292991 - Sunday 17 May 2015 6:18

Which she is, according to her profile.

By mcflyluver24 | 0

#2761 - Monday 16 February 2009 21:27

please tell me you didn't 'do it'

By jm88 | 0

#2764 - Monday 16 February 2009 21:39

Yeah #8! Tell her how much you'd care for her more and she'd drop all her potentials for an FML stranger!

cheapshoes13 | 0

#989246 - Saturday 8 May 2010 2:26

lol nice sarcasm ;)

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6363125 - Monday 27 July 2015 15:31

It's a quote from Super Troopers you dumbass

By cybergirl_fml | 0

#2767 - Monday 16 February 2009 22:10

you did it, right? :)

By foulball3 | 0

#2775 - Monday 16 February 2009 23:08

punch that mofo in the throat

By Flexer | 0

#2776 - Monday 16 February 2009 23:16

Really, if you break up, it's a good idea to really keep apart, and stay far. Probably lots of people learn it the hard way, so did I.. I knot it hurts a lot, but it'd be worse if you try to 'go back' and fix it and all..

With this guy.. I'd kick him in the nuts, and shove him out the door. Hope you did the same, for your own good. You deserve better..
Best of luck!