Miscellaneous: Today, my drunk mom kicked me out of my own birthday party, calling... - FML

By 12345678910 - 18/08/2013 18:22 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my drunk mom kicked me out of my own birthday party, calling me a "party-pooper" and saying I was killing everyone's buzz. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 931

You deserved it 4 302

Sorry…

BO Central

Time to lay down the law

By Helmet - 20/10/2011 04:05 - United States

Today, I needed to buy a new crash-helmet. I went to the motorbike shop and saw one I liked the look of. It was a bit of a tight fit, and I got my head stuck in it. I had to get the guy behind the counter to help me pull it off. My ears are still numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 035

You deserved it 8 964

White collar crime

By potting shed woman - 27/05/2021 04:01

Today, after I told my boss I'd found a serious error that cost the company thousands each year, I found out he'd fled abroad. Turns out the error was him stealing for the past 40 years, our entire department is under investigation and the owner is considering scrapping our office and firing us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 448

You deserved it 55

By Taylor - 23/02/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 911

You deserved it 5 575

By SymmetricalPizzaFace - 07/09/2014 04:52 - United States - Westminster

Today, my hormones decided to make my pimples appear symmetrically on my face around my nose and mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 653

You deserved it 2 943

By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 02:38

Spicy

Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 128

You deserved it 2 654

By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 04:24 - United States

Today, I was singing one of my favorite songs in my car while at a red light. A guy made it a point to get my attention and said, "If you're really going to sing that bad, you should probably roll your windows up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 310

You deserved it 11 905

By Anonymous - 09/12/2010 19:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I participated in a charity auction at my university where the boys are "sold" to the highest bidder to be a slave for a day. My girlfriend and ex were bidding against each other. My ex won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 533

You deserved it 5 616

You Sexty Thing

By Anonymous - 13/09/2013 06:53 - United States - Prairie City

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend is upset with me for not wanting to sext. I can't sext with her because she adds "lol" to everything, which turns me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 025

You deserved it 6 553

By Anonymous - 26/09/2010 04:10 - France

Today, I was bored so I got my little brother's toy spaceship and a teddy bear, went to my room and started flying them around, having dog fights, making explosion noises and humming epic orchestral music. My mom opened my bedroom door, showing our new hot female neighbour around the house. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 034

You deserved it 38 243

Workers of the world unite

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 20:01

Today, my initial unemployment benefits ran out. Yesterday, the extended benefits ran out for my entire state too, so I'll see $0 assistance. But it could be worse, they're also taking back 7 million $ from extended benefits receivers, so at least I'm not having money taken away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 714

You deserved it 111

By Anonymous - 18/05/2009 06:45 - Canada

Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 921

You deserved it 23 941

Light sentence

By ClumsyTeen - 13/05/2021 23:57 - United States - Staten Island

Today, I tried to sneak in at 2 a.m. after going out, since I'm 16, but I tripped over a pair of slippers and landed flat on my face. My body fell quietly, but I let out a very loud and guttural, "Oof." After about a minute, I lifted my face to see my mom standing over me. I'm now grounded for 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 219

You deserved it 1 795

By Anonymous - 27/12/2018 04:00

Spicy

Today, my husband left his cellphone unlocked so I decided to go through it. I found 10 texts threads from 10 different women, one of them from my 18 year old sister who was sending him nude pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 454

You deserved it 1 626

Doomed

By SweptWolf - 06/06/2020 23:02

Today, my fiancée handed me her engagement ring back and told me she felt like she's pressuring me into marriage, so to make me feel better about it we’re no longer engaged. On top of this, I found out she’s started talking to her ex again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 975

You deserved it 151

By diddlysquat - 14/01/2009 08:49 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was having a cybersex chat with a "girl" on a website whilst at work. I noticed my colleague who sits next to me start cracking up with laughter. Turned out it was him I was chatting with and he was winding me up. Worst thing is it had given me a stiffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 998

You deserved it 53 562

By Anonymous - 04/12/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 599

You deserved it 2 815

By ww2freak - 14/06/2012 01:17 - United States - Centreville

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 904

You deserved it 27 277

By Jen - 01/12/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, while on the phone with a client at work, I was planning on saying either "Yeah." or "Uh-huh." Without thinking, I combined the two and ended up saying "Yee-hah," like a cowboy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 702

You deserved it 33 476

By textfail - 28/02/2009 17:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, my teacher confiscated my cell phone for text messaging. He said he would give it back if the next text that I would receive was important. I prayed the guy I've been texting didn't send the dick pic he said he was going to. He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 024

You deserved it 103 928

Next

By Anonymous - 25/05/2021 00:01

Today, I took a girl out on a date. We had dinner, we had good conversation, the vibe was excellent, and everything was great. I took her to a bar I frequent after for a couple of drinks to finish the night. She left with some other dude on his motorcycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 041

You deserved it 94

By overseasbummer - 14/11/2014 19:09 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 194

You deserved it 3 894

By anonymous - 17/03/2015 05:09 - United States - Spokane

Spicy

Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 982

You deserved it 4 068

By TaffyMichele - 13/09/2012 23:38 - United States - La Verne

Today, my boyfriend told me to text him when I got home to let him know I'd made it home safe. He said if I didn't, he'd assume that aliens had abducted me and that he'd get a new girlfriend. He was completely serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 975

You deserved it 3 776

What hell, lady?

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 08:00

Today, my friend wasn't responding to my whispers in the library, so I walked over and very slightly moved his chair. At that exact moment, the librarian walked in. Regardless of our efforts to tell her anything, she got us banned from the library. FML

I agree, your life sucks 616

You deserved it 244

By Anonymous - 30/04/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, a girl called me asking for one of her friends. She wouldn't believe me when I told her she had the wrong number, and I spent a few minutes convincing her she did. After a while she said "what the fuck" and hung up. That was the longest conversation I had with a girl in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 389

You deserved it 9 020

By yayibs - 04/12/2015 03:21 - United States - Williamstown

Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 373

You deserved it 4 463

Watch where you're going

By Marriage at it's finest.. - 22/05/2021 13:59

Today, I was riding my scooter and humming a tune while doing so. It happened to be the tune you hear at weddings. I got married to the garage door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 281

You deserved it 648

Alexa, play "I Get Around" by The Beach Boys

By Anonymous - 20/10/2021 11:00 - United States - Levittown

Today, I went to the local street fair and ran into my boyfriend of five years. He was with his girlfriend of ten years. We both had no idea about each other. His family knew we both existed, and never said a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 331

You deserved it 86

By Anonymous - 08/12/2012 09:28 - Australia - Weston

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 888

You deserved it 4 124

Trip Advisor says no

By crazycatwaiter - 22/06/2020 23:06

Today, I was so excited that my favorite local spot reopened, I couldn’t wait to go there for lunch. Unfortunately, my waiter’s shirt was so caked with thick smelly cat hair, it sent me into an immediate allergy attack. Not only did I not get to eat my food, the manager refused to give me a refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 469

You deserved it 217

By cakefete2 - 04/07/2014 17:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was reviewing documents at work, only to find one of my coworkers has been signing off on paperwork, claiming he's been walking one of the residents daily. Aside from being a double leg amputee, the patient died two weeks ago. The state review board comes this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 221

You deserved it 3 944

By gutted - 07/05/2012 02:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She promptly had a panic attack and screamed, "No!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 868

You deserved it 2 853

By samsterling - 13/03/2016 22:30 - United States - Blacksburg

Today, I paid $500 for a gym membership after moving into a brand new house, since 12 years of software development has taken its toll. When I told my instructor about my goal to lose 35lbs in two months, he simply said, "Yeah... That's not going to happen. Try another gym," and left promptly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 298

You deserved it 4 159

By Crushed - 07/07/2019 12:00

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip, just so that she wouldn't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 538

You deserved it 275

By fuckyouharddad - 15/04/2014 19:24 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my 12-year-old sister watched Frozen. She's spent the last two hours playing the song Let It Go on high volume over and over, and in different languages. I now have a skull-splitting headache, and my dad just sarcastically told me to "let it go". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 426

You deserved it 6 582

By Anonymous - 22/06/2013 20:55 - United States

Today, being near-broke, I resorted to shopping at Walmart. Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a human being shoved me away from the bacon I was looking at. I fell, busted my lip, then got screamed at by another woman for not watching where I was going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 654

You deserved it 12 788

By Fat Dad - 03/03/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 579

You deserved it 43 688

Sorry…

By Forever alone - 21/12/2020 17:02 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was falling in love with the nostalgia of having handwritten love letters and flowers left on my windshield. Turns out my "secret admirer" was just a mean prank conjured up by my coworkers. They laughed. I cried, hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 118

You deserved it 230

By Eleanor - 06/05/2019 08:00 - United States - North Grafton

Today, my freshman students got in a fist fight over a chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 574

You deserved it 127

Trauma

By SkipLegDay - 03/08/2016 08:48 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, my untrained legs have been traumatised by the sudden regime of squats, mountain climbers and lunges I have been putting them through. I literally just have to trust-fall back onto the toilet and hope for the best, because my legs don't have the strength to support the gradual descent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 343

You deserved it 3 269

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:05

drunk moms..... killing parties since the beginning of time!

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:05

Too bad there weren't any mirrors at your party, then she could see the irony...

Comments

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:05

Well, why are you there if not to entertain all those guests? Pfffft. It's your birthday party, it's not like people should actually tend to you, right?

\ 28

Monday 19 August 2013 2:33

The only way the mom could actually be right is if OP had a bad attitude during the party, upsetting everyone

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Monday 26 August 2013 8:05

I'm kinda buzzed and it's all because...

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:05

Too bad there weren't any mirrors at your party, then she could see the irony...

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:05

Too bad there weren't any mirrors at your party, then she could see the irony...

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:05

drunk moms..... killing parties since the beginning of time!

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Monday 19 August 2013 18:18

Worst of all, you can't do shit about it.

flashback.miss 28

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:05

Return the favour on her birthday.

supertacowaffle 41

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:08

Wow. Sounds like my mum. Well OP, could always throw a party for her then kick her out of it for some obscure reason. good luck.

bballer4life895 13

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:08

You must be a real buzzkill lol

Accept 11

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Monday 19 August 2013 4:28

Instead of being a douche how about making OP feel better. It'll probable help you with your down-votes.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Monday 19 August 2013 5:59

Hey, we don't know the circumstances. OP could have totally been a buzz kill. No one likes an arrogant twat, even if it is their birthday. So.. Yeah, OP may very well have been a buzz kill and doesn't deserve our sympathy.

evilplatypus 38

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Monday 19 August 2013 7:05

33 - We can only go by what we KNOW. 1 - It was OP's birthday 2 - OP's mom was drunk 3 - OP got kicked out of their own party Anything else is just blind assumptions; therefore, F their life. And honestly, if it's YOUR party, you should be able to big as big a buzzkill if you want, so long as no one is getting physically injured. It's YOUR party.

evilplatypus 38

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Monday 19 August 2013 7:07

*be as big

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Monday 19 August 2013 8:55

I totally agree with #33.

wallandpiece 16

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Monday 19 August 2013 9:43

In your list you forgot the fact that OP was called a "party pooper" and said that they killed everyone's buzz. There must be a reason for them to be accused of such things. So this isn't blind assumption. And anyway if you are being a 'buzz kill' then I'm sorry but you are ruining the night for all the guests and that just make you a dick.

wallandpiece 16

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Monday 19 August 2013 9:45

Makes*

evilplatypus 38

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Monday 19 August 2013 15:35

38 - I did not forget it "Buzzkill" is a subjective term that everyone is going to have their own definition for. Therefore simply BEING a buzzkill is not a fact.

klovemachine 24

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:09

It's your party, you can cry if you want to...

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:11

Cry if you want to, cry if you want to! You would cry to if it happened to you!

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:17

*too. Frigging autocorrect.

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:12

Sorry OP. Happy Birthday.

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Monday 19 August 2013 2:13

Tell her she should go home because she's drunk. I bet it will confuse her into thinking she's at someone else's party. Then she'll leave; problem solved!

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 914

You deserved it 120

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 227

You deserved it 295