Kids: Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked...

By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

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Kids

Triage

Season finale

Family values

By fedlife - United States

Today, I was going running. It was an especially windy day and things were flying through the wind. Apparently, bodily fluid can also fly through the wind. Turns out, a women was barfing over a bridge and the wind caught it and it flew through the air. Right into my face and body. FML

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By oww - United States - Tekonsha

Today, I came to work with a huge hangover after a night out. I work as a marching band director, and guess who I had to conduct a sectional with? That's right, percussion. My head still hasn't stopped throbbing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my dad called my cell. He ended the phone call with, "and tell your boyfriend to shut up, I can hear him moaning." FML

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By MexyBoy

Today, I wanted to do something nice for my mom. So, while she was sleeping, I cleaned the whole house for her and even made her breakfast. A few minutes later, she came downstairs and yelled at me to keep it down because she was trying to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2020 20:00

Good job!

Today, my husband fell asleep in the middle of a blowjob. I feel kind of insulted. FML

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By :( - United States - Hilton Head Island

Today, we started our 17 hour drive to Michigan for spring break. My mom decided to go to Target to buy some music CDs. All she bought was three Nicki Minaj CDs. She has already replayed the first CD four times. 14 hours to go. FML

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By tequilashot - Brazil - Porto Alegre

Today, I finally had sex with the man with whom I've been in love for months. Too bad I was too drunk to remember a thing. FML

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By leahrb - United States - Wilmington

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Son, I want you to suck upon my nipples of knowledge." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old daughter holding a lit lighter to the underside of a spoon, which was full of baking powder. She was trying to breathe in the fumes to get high, and later confessed that she thought it's how heroin is made and used. FML

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By norpedo - United States - Cleveland

Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like to be stabbed in the hand with an earring. How? By slamming my hand on the snooze button of my alarm and missing horribly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she loves the most about me. She said it's the fact that I look like her cousin. FML

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By Shoes - United States

Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my mum, who always wanted more kids than just me, started crying because I'm not pregnant with her first grandchild yet. I'm 16, and this all started because I got my period and I asked to borrow one of her tampons because I'd ran out of my own. FML

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By ChaoticGamer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a horrible smell only to realize that my dog had peed all over my leg cast during the night. I can't get another one because the closest doctors are all on Christmas vacation. Guess this is an early Christmas present from my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML

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By ReptillianFreeloader - Australia - North Lakes

Australia? Australia.

Today, I had to chase off the Eastern Brown snake that's been hanging around. When it doubled back, I fell over trying to move out of its way and landed in a bush that contained 3 separate wasp nests. My body feels like it is on fire and the snake is now in my chook shed, refusing to leave. FML

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7120

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By sounfair90 - United States

Today, I felt left out that all my friends are getting married or have great relationships and my boyfriend won't commit. I made a facebook up and pretended to talk with this really cute guy I made up. Today, I found out that my boyfriend is gay... he started hitting on my made up facebook guy. FML

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By rejectedmidair - United States

Today, I went through with my elaborate plans to propose to my girlfriend with creativity. I took her skydiving and proposed in midair. She rejected. Why? She wanted a more "traditional" proposal. FML

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By =( - United States - Houston

Today, I had to tell my ex that I'm pregnant with his baby. I sent him a casual "Hey :)" text to try to ease into things. He replied, "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?" and ended up threatening to make my life hell if I don't tell my new boyfriend that the child is his. FML

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By Anonymous

When you lie on your resume to get the job

Today, my boyfriend and I are devastated to return our newly adopted "cat friendly" dog to the shelter. He's perfect other than the fact that he clearly wants to eat our cats. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting ready, when I heard my dad in the shower. He was singing along to the song "The Wheel in the Sky" by Journey. Except he'd changed the lyrics and was singing, "The dick on this guy needs a rubbin'." It turns out my mom was in the shower with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 05:02

Actually…

Today, I’ve been single for 6 and a half years. It was fun for a while, but now it’s just sad. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Croydon

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

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By toryzhere - Canada

Today, I had a job interview. I have major OCD, and I had to sit in a room with a man covered in cat hair, struggling to even survive for an hour and a half. FML

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By ollie_ollivia - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me. Less than two minutes later, he decided he wasn't ready for the commitment. After I had already said yes. FML

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By mynameisnotdrew - United States

Today, after some very passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaims "that was amazing Drew..." She quickly tried to turn "Drew" into my actual name which does not sound a thing like Drew. FML

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By 2fast4U - Canada - Vancouver

Today, some of my coworkers have complained that I don't do my share of the work, though they can't specify exactly what I'm not getting done. Apparently, being too efficient and finishing first means I mustn't have done anything at all. The supervisor sided with them. FML

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By mortified - United Kingdom

Today, my dentist pulled a pubic hair out of my braces. FML

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By BoCoMoGal

Today, my phone reset, wiping the touch ID on my credit card. I can't remember the password so I'm locked out. I tried 'forgot password', but you need to have the physical card. The card is tucked away in the bank lock box. The key to the lock box is packed in one of the 150 boxes we have prepped to move. FML

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By chloe_zjk - France

Today, I'm an intern working in a company's reception area, which happens to have a coffee dispenser. As I'm the new girl, every client getting coffee wants to buy me one. I'm too polite to say no. It's 10:26 AM, and I'm on cup #17. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told my husband I want to lose the baby weight I put on with my recent pregnancy, and once I succeed I will go on a clothes shopping spree. To this he remarked, "So either way I'm spending money; either on food or on clothes." FML

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By ilovezim29 - United States - Windsor

Today, I went to Safeway. The security guard wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. When I confronted him about it he told me that they looked fake and he was making sure I didn't stuff my bra with stolen items. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

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By Micheal - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up me with for being the "perfect boyfriend". Apparently I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, and she didn't know how to take it. So she dumped me. FML

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By satanlovesme - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment. While waiting, I pulled out my Cosmo magazine to entertain myself. The woman sitting across from me points and tells me I'm reading "Satan's Manual." I told her I don't believe in Satan. She said, "You'll know he's real when you become his bitch!" FML

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By mortifying - United Kingdom - Harlow

Skinny girl

Today, I started playing footsie with the girl I like next to me in Biology. Turns out it was the table leg. FML

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By blasted - United States

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

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By Anonyme - France

Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML

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By Cody1324

Today, my girlfriend of 4 years is better friends with my younger sister and when she has free time to go out and do something, she would rather spend it with her than with me. FML

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By fail - United States - Greeneville

Today, I found out how my parents met. They met at a mental hospital, where they were both being hospitalized. FML

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Top comments

By marulicko | 19

#6204858 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:08

Ok, definitely time to get help...

By ruckfules85 | 34

#6204860 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:11

Really good you caught your mistake instead of giving it to her.

COMMENTS

By fortune789 | 17

#6204857 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:07

Sounds like you need a drink.

xxNIGHTxx_fml | 17

#6204887 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:32

Sounds like they need to stop.

_cameronkc_ | 17

#6204974 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 15:12

sounds like 15 is a bit butthurt. get a sense of humor, this is funny

MRSwick2525 | 23

#6204979 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 15:29

Are you serious #37? This is funny? Guess you have not had a loved one pass away because if this type of problem.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6205066 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 18:38

I have, but it doesn't mean that I can't laugh at a good alcoholism joke or that I'll completely disregard my loved one.

kazthesb | 10

#6205853 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 13:57

I think everyone needs to relax. #1 was just being ironic

joeyl2008 | 29

#6506097 - Saturday 9 January 2016 22:25

Damn 39. It's a joke not a dick, don't take it so hard.

By marulicko | 19

#6204858 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:08

Ok, definitely time to get help...

TheMalygos | 21

#6204892 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:37

I completely agree with @2
Go get some help OP

JayVicious | 20

#6206675 - Thursday 19 February 2015 11:25

yes OP you should probably seek help.....after this next drink.

By ruckfules85 | 34

#6204860 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:11

Really good you caught your mistake instead of giving it to her.

Vegetarian27 | 24

#6204891 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:36

It doesn't say that OP didn't give it to her. Maybe they did and the daughter told them to get help.

Jackimo98 | 24

#6205402 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 1:55

At least any child young enough to be asking her mom to pour them some juice wouldn't have made it any farther than a sip

By IceMan11 | 23

#6204863 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:12

Should pour a glass of juice and top with vodka. Get it right guy.

EatUrGreens | 20

#6204880 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:28

I knew some people were ignorant but not to this level omg..

By Blue_Black_fml | 21

#6204865 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:13

I hope you this makes you realize that you need to be a responsible parent and quit drinking.

By sarah5745 | 41

#6204866 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:13

Get help ASAP

By icedexplosion | 19

#6204867 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:13

That would've been a nasty surprise

By winchestinalock | 21

#6204868 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:14

The first step is acknowledging it so I guess you're there

By ThatDamHuntress | 20

#6204872 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:17

So, I'm Guessing you were drunk? Hopefully she did not take a sip yet.

By jett0001 | 13

#6204876 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:22

Well, how old is your daughter though?? Haha.

siggy_mcsigx | 22

#6204958 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 14:13

Young enough for a parent to pour her juice.

annarcheer | 19

#6204961 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 14:29

Sometimes I will ask my dad if he can get me something to drink if he's already in the kitchen getting himself something.