Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked...

By Anonymous - 17/2/2015 01:04 - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

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By daddy-o - 14/3/2012 07:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML

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By smith - 28/1/2012 03:13 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife made a joke about the size of my package, so figuring all's fair in love and war, I bought some laxatives to prank her with. They took a lot longer to work than I thought, and I ended up lying in bed, listening to my wife shitting her guts out in the bathroom for over an hour. FML

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By ApolloandDixie - 23/12/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, my mom and I were going to the store. I decided to stay in the car while she went in. In the car next to me, there was a dog in the driver's seat barking at me. Bored, I barked back at it until I realized there was someone in the passenger's seat watching me. FML

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By hopeless - 8/4/2011 15:03

Today, is my birthday. Everyone forgot except my stalker. He rang the door bell the second it turned 12:00. FML

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By airport - 10/5/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I flew to see my long distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in 6 months. Upon seeing me, he ran up to me, picked me up and swung me around like they do in the movies. In doing so, my foot hit a 4 year old child who was running past and knocked him out. FML

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By notlaughing - 18/4/2013 13:57 - United States - College Park

Today, a girl was telling me how she was very stressed over her parents' divorce and moving away to another part of the state. While I was listening, I started choking on my saliva. She thought I was laughing. She hasn't spoken to me since. FML

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By leeseyxoxo - 27/3/2011 06:10 - United States

Today, I learned, 15 years later, that my puppy from when I was 4, was not taken by Santa because he was in need of a reindeer. My parents took him to the shelter because they thought he was ugly. FML

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By Jeanna - 15/3/2016 23:14 - United States - Baskett

Today, I went into a store for an interview. I've had several places wanting to talk to me and this job was a lot lower paying. I got a little cocky and when offered the job, I said I wanted some time to finish my other interviews first and see what my options were. The manager then took back his offer. FML

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By PUA - 15/3/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2013 19:01 - Netherlands - Herkenbosch

Today, I tried coming on to my fiancé. He just pushed me off and got out of bed, saying he wasn't in the mood. A half hour later, I caught him jerking off to several windows of porn. FML

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By Can't Unsee - 25/8/2018 22:00

Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML

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By Crypticbeerbelly - 11/1/2017 14:44

Today, I was reading a recipe list on my tablet. I moved a little, and one of my fat rolls came into contact with a button which closed the tab. FML

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By titkip - 2/4/2016 00:30 - Kenya - Nairobi

Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I am too demanding. FML

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By NotSoSmart - 3/9/2019 17:00 - United States - Ventura

Dr. Phil

Today, in the spirit of being helpful, I accidentally convinced the girl I'm secretly in love with to stay with her boyfriend. FML

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By UglySister - 2/12/2009 22:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my sister was dumped by her boyfriend. As my mother was comforting her, I overheard her say "Honey, it's okay, you're the pretty one. Think of those worse off than you. Think of your sister, she might never get a boyfriend." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2013 21:40 - Canada - Markham

Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

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By Gage - 27/10/2017 15:00

Today, having moved to Moscow over a week ago, I finally received the TV my work promised my flat would have. A big Russian man came to my door, handed me a TV from the 1970s and left. It doesn't work. FML

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By Cherie - 9/12/2009 16:31 - United States

Today, I received a private message on Facebook, from a woman I've never heard of, subject: "Eric X's wife says HI." She goes on to say that she is going to find me, and ruin my life the way I have ruined hers. I've never even heard of Eric X and am happily engaged. FML

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By ilook12 - 24/6/2015 03:23 - United States - Paris

Today, we had customer complaints of a child molester hanging around our restaurant. After confrontation by a manager, he wouldn't leave. I had to be walked to my car after my shift by more than one person because I look 12 and they were afraid for me. I'm almost 19. FML

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By gt - 23/9/2010 00:52 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because I corrected him after he misspoke during a meeting. FML

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By hiddenplainly - 24/2/2017 10:00 - United States

Today, I did my budget. I have a good job, make decent money, and work full time, but without including any flexible spending items like groceries, I make $32 less than my bills each month. FML

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By myboyfriendisweird - 5/1/2015 02:50 - United States - Phoenix

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, we were cuddling when he grabbed his penis and made it say, "That was amazing! Thank you for the sex." He's 21 years old. FML

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By hairyarms - 10/10/2010 12:47 - Australia

Today, I found out why you don't let your kids grab your arms while their hands are covered in glitter glue. Easy to get it on you, extremely painful to rip from your arm hairs. FML

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By - 7/12/2018 20:00 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I finally lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams, unfortunately she called me by my ex-bestfriend's name. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2013 01:44 - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I was riding a bike when a truck accidentally hit me. The handsome driver came out and asked if I was alright. I said, "I am now" and winked. He said "Eww, no" then immediately ran away and drove his truck around me. FML

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By left, I guess - 12/4/2015 17:00 - Canada - Antigonish

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML

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By TheNoseKnows - 16/2/2017 14:00 - United States - Bronx

Fair Warning

Today, while sitting in a bar, I offered to buy the drunk chick sitting next to me a drink. She was a lot more inebriated than I thought, because she looked at me with bloodshot eyes and cheerfully responded, "There's a rotten smell in my vagina!" FML

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By not telling you my name - 7/8/2015 15:16 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I went to take a dump at work. The silence in the room was deafening, and I ended up singing to myself. After I proudly finished, there was a short silence, followed by a coworker in the next stall saying, "Um... don't quit the day job, Rick." I'll never live this down. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2011 18:12 - United States

Today, I got fired from my job at a small start-up company. Why? The CEO wanted to give a job to one of his former fraternity brothers who is out of work, and they couldn't afford to keep us both. FML

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By dukemisery - 28/11/2016 12:23 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my ex-girlfriend called saying she wants to get back together because of how mature and sincere I sounded last night. I despise her and I was drunk last night. FML

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By Mothertucker - 8/3/2017 00:00

Today, I came across one of the pitfalls of having open discussions with my 15-year-old son when he asked me how to shave his pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2013 00:48 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother yet again went on a long rant about how much of a loser I am as I have "never had boyfriend" and I'm 26. Truth is, I've been in the same relationship for over five years but it "doesn't count because he's black." FML

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By achoooo - 7/11/2009 05:34 - United States

Today, to celebrate moving into a new apartment, my girlfriend decided she would get a kitten. She didn't know I'm allergic to cats. When I told her, she decided that she couldn't date someone who couldn't be around her cat; the one she doesn't have yet. FML

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By full moon - 8/9/2016 02:37 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, it was the first day of school, and I split my pants. In a full class. While on a stage. I'm the teacher, and I wasn't wearing underwear. FML

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By LongDriveNoSleep - 24/5/2016 10:38 - United States - Washington

Today, my friend, who I'm moving in with, flew up to drive from Pennsylvania to Texas, where she lives, with me. I went to the airport to pick her up and we discovered she accidentally flew to the wrong airport. On the other side of the state. I'm driving through the night to rescue her. FML

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By Janie - 10/1/2012 05:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML

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By cat lady - 7/1/2016 03:38 - United States - Netcong

Today, I found out the reason why my cat would sometimes go outside for days at a time was because when she would go out, my neighbor would lure her in with cat treats and keep her there for up to 2 days. She's an indoor cat now. FML

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By LeaveMeAlone - 6/4/2017 04:00

Creepy creep alert. Run!

Today, my manager "bumped" into me 3 or 4 separate times. I told him months ago I didn't want to date him. He even asked me once if I was ever afraid of being kidnapped. FML

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By m?? - 10/10/2019 04:00

Mansplaining 101

Today, as always, my boyfriend is better than me at everything, including skills that I have years of experience with, while he has none. FML

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By stuff - 16/8/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, I was calling my cable company to tell me how to fix my internet. I stayed on hold for almost half an hour, and then when someone finally picked up, my phone died. FML

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Top comments

By marulicko | 19

#6204858 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:08

Ok, definitely time to get help...

By ruckfules85 | 34

#6204860 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:11

Really good you caught your mistake instead of giving it to her.

Comments

By fortune789 | 17

#6204857 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:07

Sounds like you need a drink.

xxNIGHTxx_fml | 17

#6204887 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:32

Sounds like they need to stop.

_cameronkc_ | 17

#6204974 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 15:12

sounds like 15 is a bit butthurt. get a sense of humor, this is funny

MRSwick2525 | 23

#6204979 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 15:29

Are you serious #37? This is funny? Guess you have not had a loved one pass away because if this type of problem.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6205066 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 18:38

I have, but it doesn't mean that I can't laugh at a good alcoholism joke or that I'll completely disregard my loved one.

kazthesb | 10

#6205853 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 13:57

I think everyone needs to relax. #1 was just being ironic

joeyl2008 | 29

#6506097 - Saturday 9 January 2016 22:25

Damn 39. It's a joke not a dick, don't take it so hard.

By marulicko | 19

#6204858 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:08

Ok, definitely time to get help...

TheMalygos | 21

#6204892 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:37

I completely agree with @2
Go get some help OP

JayVicious | 20

#6206675 - Thursday 19 February 2015 11:25

yes OP you should probably seek help.....after this next drink.

By ruckfules85 | 34

#6204860 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:11

Really good you caught your mistake instead of giving it to her.

Vegetarian27 | 24

#6204891 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:36

It doesn't say that OP didn't give it to her. Maybe they did and the daughter told them to get help.

Jackimo98 | 24

#6205402 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 1:55

At least any child young enough to be asking her mom to pour them some juice wouldn't have made it any farther than a sip

By IceMan11 | 23

#6204863 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:12

Should pour a glass of juice and top with vodka. Get it right guy.

EatUrGreens | 20

#6204880 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:28

I knew some people were ignorant but not to this level omg..

By Blue_Black_fml | 21

#6204865 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:13

I hope you this makes you realize that you need to be a responsible parent and quit drinking.

By sarah5745 | 41

#6204866 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:13

Get help ASAP

By icedexplosion | 19

#6204867 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:13

That would've been a nasty surprise

By winchestinalock | 21

#6204868 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:14

The first step is acknowledging it so I guess you're there

By ThatDamHuntress | 20

#6204872 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:17

So, I'm Guessing you were drunk? Hopefully she did not take a sip yet.

By jett0001 | 13

#6204876 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:22

Well, how old is your daughter though?? Haha.

siggy_mcsigx | 22

#6204958 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 14:13

Young enough for a parent to pour her juice.

annarcheer | 19

#6204961 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 14:29

Sometimes I will ask my dad if he can get me something to drink if he's already in the kitchen getting himself something.