Kids: Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked...

By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

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16582

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Kids

Broken heart

Call the cops

Hello Alanis ? We've got something for you.

By Anonymous - United States - Frisco

Today, a TV crew filmed my house for a real estate show. They got an actor to pretend he owned the place but wanted to move. The host kept saying how shit my house is, and while talking about me with his producer, he said "Know how I know he ain't a fag? Fags can actually decorate." FML

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13784

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By Rabzouz - France

Today, I opened a packet of cereal and it exploded on my keyboard; now, my keyboard crackles. FML

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19669

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By JackAttack - United States

Today, my mom just handed me a book called "100 Ways To Motivate Yourself." FML

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18336

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By (///▽///) - United States - Austin

Today, I learned that "prima donna" was not in fact "pre-Madonna" like I'd always thought. My family won't stop laughing at me. FML

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4552

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By Batman

Today, I finished my 83-page thesis for my Stanford class and put it on my desk. Then, as a prank, my girlfriend hid it. She forgot where she put it. The thesis is due in 3 days. FML

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3602

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By Stigmamma - 30/5/2021 20:01

Something is about to bust

Today, I had an ultrasound which required me to have a full bladder. I arrived on time, bladder full, only to be stuck in waiting room limbo for 40 mins. I nearly exploded. FML

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935

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellevue

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

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23380

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By Anonymous - United States - Clearwater

Today, I found out my coworker was arrested for beating the crap out of his wife. I gave him a serious pep talk yesterday where I told him to stop taking her shit and start standing up for himself. FML

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25858

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By robthebuilder - Canada

Today, while at work, I was asked to see my boss. I was informed that the company would be laying off 20 people, and that I was one of them. I was told I could finish off the week, then was sent back to work. Twenty minutes later, my boss walked around and handed us all Christmas party invitations. FML

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27722

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By faceless_sailor8 - United States

Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML

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29596

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By UTRejected - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was selling winter-themed cookies at my university. I cheerfully asked a girl if she would like to buy cookies to support peer tutoring. Her response? "I don't eat food." FML

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34583

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By grammarnazi-forareason - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I had the questionable honor of explaining the difference between "your" and "you're" to my boss, and very diplomatically make her see why her poor grasp of language could affect our credibility as a communication agency. I'm Swedish, and English is my third language. She's American. FML

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By asdffhhjk - Philippines - Makati

Today, I saw a coin on the ground. As I bent over to pick it up, some dude came up from behind, grabbed my waist and humped me three times. He ran away before I could get a good look at his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56019

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of thinking and playing every outcome possible in my head, I told my parents I'm gay. My dad nodded and didn't even look up from his book; my mom told me to go to the doctor if it starts to itch. FML

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39107

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By I Don't Exorcise - United States - Shawnee

Today, I realized I was getting a bit chubbier than usual. I decided to go for a little jog to stay in shape. Little did I know, my neighbors that just moved in brought along with them, a fully grown German Shepherd. Not tamed. My "jog" quickly turned into a "sprint for my life". FML

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29968

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By hoplessG - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I told her best friend the plan the day before. I got reservations to a restaurant on the beach, and we were going to arrive via boat. She never showed. Her parents called me asking why she left town to go to Paris. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37589

You deserved it

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By kate - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

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48721

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By Liz - United States

Today, I had to watch my neighbor's daughter for 10 hours. She wouldn't eat anything I had to offer, so I ordered a pizza for $19 + a $5 tip = $24. Her father came by to pick her up, thanked me, and gave me a $20 bill. I effectively just paid to watch his kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57836

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By . - Germany - Neuwied

Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML

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18133

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States - Montpelier

Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML

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39403

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By notlaughing - United States - College Park

Today, a girl was telling me how she was very stressed over her parents' divorce and moving away to another part of the state. While I was listening, I started choking on my saliva. She thought I was laughing. She hasn't spoken to me since. FML

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47045

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By Scarred for life

Frozen

Today, while volunteering at a senior care center, I witnessed a woman begin to remove her trousers. Then she began tearing apart her diaper. She then began to explore her body. I was unable to stop her. FML

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1532

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By I was talking about her.

Today, a lady called the candy store and wanted to know our ice cream flavors. We have 30 and I had a line of people to help, so I directed her to our new website. She called back, wanting me to walk her through finding it. I couldn't, as we're not allowed, so she called me useless. She showed up. FML

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13644

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By Hopeless

Today, I found out the real reason why me and my boyfriend of four and a half months have "so much in common". He used to be my stalker, who followed me around in a black hoodie and always posted stuff on my Myspace as an anonymous person. FML

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By iliterallypoopedmyself - Australia

Today, I anxiously waited 8 hours for an important phone call. The phone rang while I was sitting on the toilet. FML

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30686

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the engineers I work with believe that a woman with an engineering degree working in an engineering company is apparently equivalent to a "secretary for engineers." I am that woman. FML

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32784

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By Uhmm... - Canada

Today, I walked in on my brother slipping into a pair of panties. Specifically, a pair of my panties. FML

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46852

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML

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104423

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was texting my trainer to rearrange our training session. My girlfriend texted me during the exchange, asking what I wanted for Christmas. I accidentally texted my trainer, "All I want are your sweet titties in my face". I'm awaiting a response. FML

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17387

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By notahero - United States - Brentwood

Today, my boss told me she had a nightmare where her life depended on me, and I let her die. Now I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm going to get fired at any second. FML

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31249

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By aggghghgh

Today, I found out my whole family has been mistakenly using the same toothbrush for over a month. FML

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13457

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By Anyonymous_101

Alexa, play "All You Need Is Hate" by The Delgados

Today, I found out my that my girlfriend's parents hate me, all because they saw me laughing and hanging out with another girl. That other girl was my sister. FML

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1691

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By Chris - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I thought it would be funny to take an airhorn to a golf course and blow it while people were teeing off. It was very funny, until I blew the horn during some guy's backswing and his ball was shanked in my direction and hit me in the head. FML

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332

You deserved it

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By tired - United States - Boston

Today, I walked up sixteen flights of stairs to my room to avoid the lift lines. When I was almost to the top, the fire alarm sounded. FML

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34501

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By SummerGirl0009 - United States

Today, I discovered that the medicated eye drops I have been taking to fight a mild eye infection show up under black lights when I walked into a party and the whole left side of my face was glowing. FML

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35056

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By WasZumTeufel? - Germany - Kabel

Today, my boyfriend took me to his house and introduced me to his parents. He also showed me around his bedroom. I think he forgot to remove the dartboard on his wall, taped to which was a swiss-cheesed printout of one of my Facebook photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36458

You deserved it

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By Disrespectful

Today, my boss fired me for "disrespecting" him after I told him to fuck off. This would be understandable, if I hadn't said it when he was at my house for dinner, harassing my wife with suggestive poses, heavily implied comments, and trying to put his hand on her crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13066

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By some things never change - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, after almost four years of having avoided her due to her hatred of my husband, my mother invited us both to a family dinner. My husband wanted to give her another chance, so we went. Less than an hour after arriving, I caught her hocking a loogie and spitting it into our food. FML

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30410

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By coffeeshopgirl - United Kingdom

Today, I'm cheering myself up about being newly single by having a sleepover with my best friends. Their boyfriends have all decided to sleep over as well though, so I'm currently alone in a corridor with nothing but the sound of all my friends having loud sex to keep me company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41748

You deserved it

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By DonPedro - United States

Today, I took a crap at work. When I go to flush the toilet, it clogs and begins to overflow. I leave the bathroom the way it is and as I walk out, my boss comes in. FML

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Top comments

By marulicko | 19

#6204858 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:08

Ok, definitely time to get help...

By ruckfules85 | 34

#6204860 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:11

Really good you caught your mistake instead of giving it to her.

COMMENTS

By fortune789 | 17

#6204857 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:07

Sounds like you need a drink.

xxNIGHTxx_fml | 17

#6204887 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:32

Sounds like they need to stop.

_cameronkc_ | 17

#6204974 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 15:12

sounds like 15 is a bit butthurt. get a sense of humor, this is funny

MRSwick2525 | 23

#6204979 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 15:29

Are you serious #37? This is funny? Guess you have not had a loved one pass away because if this type of problem.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6205066 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 18:38

I have, but it doesn't mean that I can't laugh at a good alcoholism joke or that I'll completely disregard my loved one.

kazthesb | 10

#6205853 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 13:57

I think everyone needs to relax. #1 was just being ironic

joeyl2008 | 29

#6506097 - Saturday 9 January 2016 22:25

Damn 39. It's a joke not a dick, don't take it so hard.

By marulicko | 19

#6204858 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:08

Ok, definitely time to get help...

TheMalygos | 21

#6204892 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:37

I completely agree with @2
Go get some help OP

JayVicious | 20

#6206675 - Thursday 19 February 2015 11:25

yes OP you should probably seek help.....after this next drink.

By ruckfules85 | 34

#6204860 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:11

Really good you caught your mistake instead of giving it to her.

Vegetarian27 | 24

#6204891 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:36

It doesn't say that OP didn't give it to her. Maybe they did and the daughter told them to get help.

Jackimo98 | 24

#6205402 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 1:55

At least any child young enough to be asking her mom to pour them some juice wouldn't have made it any farther than a sip

By IceMan11 | 23

#6204863 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:12

Should pour a glass of juice and top with vodka. Get it right guy.

EatUrGreens | 20

#6204880 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:28

I knew some people were ignorant but not to this level omg..

By Blue_Black_fml | 21

#6204865 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:13

I hope you this makes you realize that you need to be a responsible parent and quit drinking.

By sarah5745 | 41

#6204866 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:13

Get help ASAP

By icedexplosion | 19

#6204867 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:13

That would've been a nasty surprise

By winchestinalock | 21

#6204868 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:14

The first step is acknowledging it so I guess you're there

By ThatDamHuntress | 20

#6204872 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:17

So, I'm Guessing you were drunk? Hopefully she did not take a sip yet.

By jett0001 | 13

#6204876 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:22

Well, how old is your daughter though?? Haha.

siggy_mcsigx | 22

#6204958 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 14:13

Young enough for a parent to pour her juice.

annarcheer | 19

#6204961 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 14:29

Sometimes I will ask my dad if he can get me something to drink if he's already in the kitchen getting himself something.