Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked...

By Anonymous - 17/2/2015 01:04 - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

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Kids

Proactive

Season finale

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

By Taylor - 30/7/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend decided to sing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML

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By killer - 17/7/2010 14:54 - United States

Today, I was outside when a mouse ran toward my feet. There was a wall behind me, so I tried to jump over him. He changed course, and I landed on him. It crunched. FML

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By rahrahcakes - 19/3/2012 07:36 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML

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By pantless - 21/3/2016 18:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2016 04:17 - United States - Gilroy

Today, I was heading out for my flight to Australia. I'd put a padlock on my luggage to keep my wallet and passport safe, only to realize way too late that I'd left the key at home. I couldn't get at my passport and ended up missing my flight and my whole vacation along with it. FML

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By Kit - 16/9/2013 11:09 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2011 01:12 - United States

Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML

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By PeeFlavouredFloss - 14/1/2013 03:36 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I had to explain to my husband that the 5-second rule doesn't apply if you drop the floss into the toilet. FML

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By DesperateBich - 28/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was in band rehearsing for a big concert coming up. Since the band was practicing with the orchestra and there weren’t enough seats, we had to stand. My back was facing everyone when my friend tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to my ass. I got my period and everyone saw the stain. FML

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By anonymous - 30/1/2013 10:13 - United States - Richardson

Today, I learned it's a bad idea to text and smoke while drunk, because there is an increased risk of throwing your phone off the balcony and sticking your cigarette into your pocket. FML

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By momma6126 - 25/8/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law is house hunting in my town. There is a house for sale 2 doors down from me. In her price range. FML

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By Hairball - 10/12/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML

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By JellitonOctopus - 25/1/2012 04:51 - United States

Today, I received a package from an unknown address. Inside were doll heads and cigarette butts. FML

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By Peekaman - 15/8/2010 22:31 - United States

Today, I was riding the subway when a beautiful topless girl walked into my car and sat directly in front of me. Then, the train stopped abruptly and I banged my head. The girl was gone and I realized it had all been a dream. Then I realized I was supposed to get off 17 stops ago. FML

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By quackers - 8/7/2016 07:00 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML

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By Boner Ben - 8/11/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that the play I'm doing requires me to strip naked and get an erection for a few scenes. It didn’t come up in rehearsal and the play starts in 2 days. I'm not sure how to tell my family who are coming from out of town that my first role involves me playing with my boner. FML

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By thanks mom ¬_¬ - 24/8/2013 22:05 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 20:36 - Canada

Today, I was texting my trainer to rearrange our training session. My girlfriend texted me during the exchange, asking what I wanted for Christmas. I accidentally texted my trainer, "All I want are your sweet titties in my face". I'm awaiting a response. FML

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By bad blood, no shit - 3/12/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, my husband and I went to my overbearing mom's 57th birthday party. He opened his gift in front of her and said smugly, "The makeup's for your face, and the prayer book's for the fat rolls." Any hope of family peace is now lost. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2012 17:33 - Australia

Today, I was planning on enjoying my one day off work from the hospital, at home. I got a call saying I had to come in because my department was short-handed. I went in to find almost everyone there. Turns out it was a prank by my coworkers. FML

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By 12incher - 15/3/2009 04:45 - United States

Today, I was sitting in math class when I glanced over to the other side of the room and the hottest girl in the school is over there. I could see her thong so I instantly got a boner. About a minute later my teacher calls me up to the board to do a problem. I wore basketball shorts that day. FML

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By NairyAGoodIdea - 15/1/2015 21:05 - United States

Today, I tried to manscape with some Nair. Nothing helps the pain. FML

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By geniusdrunk - 9/8/2019 02:00

Today, after a month of sobriety, I woke up in my ex-girlfriend's house with absolutely no recollection as to how I got there. FML

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By Sarah - 26/3/2012 11:14 - United States

Today, I belched. In the middle of my wedding vows. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 02:47 - United States - Apollo

Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML

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By VladyBoi - 1/11/2011 00:18 - United States

Today, it's my first Halloween in America since moving from Russia. While handing candy to children, my roommate told me to compliment a little girl by saying "You have a face only a parent could love". I found out it isn't a compliment when I was punched by her Dad. FML

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By nearlythere - 30/9/2011 04:50 - Australia

Today, I was getting ready to perform a speech in anthropology on the globalization of public transportation and how it brings cultures together. On the bus ride there, the girls behind me were discussing ways to hide their track marks after injecting. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2013 18:53 - United Kingdom - Congleton

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house at 9am to surprise him on our 1 year anniversary. In the process, I gatecrashed another celebration he was having with his second girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2018 20:30

Today, my excruciating ear pain turned out to be a bastard maggot eating away at all the vital things behind my eardrum. The doctor pulled it out, but I’m now permanently deaf in that ear and can’t balance. I fall if I try to stand or walk further than 5 feet. FML

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By demotivator - 2/11/2014 21:38 - Romania - Timisoara

Today, I finally got off my lazy ass and start studying for my upcoming exam. It was going pretty well, until my classmate called and after I proudly told him about my sudden motivation, the only thing he had to say was, "You got the date wrong, the exam was on thursday." FML

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By fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuc - 2/4/2014 21:22 - Denmark - Herning

Today, the girl I've been dating for two weeks brought up the topic of marriage, then started asking me when we're moving in together. FML

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By mstannyngdogevr - 28/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Orlando

Today, my fiancé and I moved into a new home a few houses away from our previous one. We were excited about not hearing our roommate's dog howling non-stop anymore. We can hear him from the new house. Very clearly. FML

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By Laura - 22/9/2019 12:00 - Paraguay

What's my name?

Today, as they have for the past three years, my boyfriend's parents have never called me by my actual name. They always "accidentally" call me by my boyfriend's ex's name. FML

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By me - 29/8/2012 04:19 - United States - Roseau

Today, I came home from work to find my house was flooded from a broken pipe under the sink. My house had just recently had new wood floors, carpet and electrics installed because 6 months earlier my house had been flooded by the same pipe breaking. FML

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By Noname - 14/3/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML

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By Coccinelle - 5/2/2016 16:36 - France

Today, while at work at a small Microsoft partner company, I had to write an email explaining why Internet Explorer is superior to Google Chrome. FML

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By Damnsoup - 3/7/2009 00:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my fiancé's house to have dinner with his family for the first time. Trying to be polite at the end of the meal I went to take the plates in to the kitchen. I overestimated how heavy the half-finished soup pot was, and threw soup all over myself and future mother-in-law. FML

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By paaaallllmmmssss - 26/9/2015 03:40 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my dad's order of hair clippers arrived. I've been putting off getting a haircut for a while now, and he offered to give me one for free. Long story short, he managed to ruin the hair clippers, and I now look like a diseased palm tree. FML

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By Gabriel A - 15/1/2011 04:05 - United States

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML

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By suckerrrrr - 29/5/2009 05:44 - United States

Today, I bought a top with some other things. I went to the restroom and had diarrhea, but there was no toilet paper in the stall. I had to use the receipt from the store. I then realized the clerk hadn't put the top in the bag. I needed that receipt to get the top. FML

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Top comments

By marulicko | 19

#6204858 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:08

Ok, definitely time to get help...

By ruckfules85 | 34

#6204860 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:11

Really good you caught your mistake instead of giving it to her.

COMMENTS

By fortune789 | 17

#6204857 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:07

Sounds like you need a drink.

xxNIGHTxx_fml | 17

#6204887 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:32

Sounds like they need to stop.

_cameronkc_ | 17

#6204974 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 15:12

sounds like 15 is a bit butthurt. get a sense of humor, this is funny

MRSwick2525 | 23

#6204979 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 15:29

Are you serious #37? This is funny? Guess you have not had a loved one pass away because if this type of problem.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6205066 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 18:38

I have, but it doesn't mean that I can't laugh at a good alcoholism joke or that I'll completely disregard my loved one.

kazthesb | 10

#6205853 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 13:57

I think everyone needs to relax. #1 was just being ironic

joeyl2008 | 29

#6506097 - Saturday 9 January 2016 22:25

Damn 39. It's a joke not a dick, don't take it so hard.

By marulicko | 19

#6204858 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:08

Ok, definitely time to get help...

TheMalygos | 21

#6204892 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:37

I completely agree with @2
Go get some help OP

JayVicious | 20

#6206675 - Thursday 19 February 2015 11:25

yes OP you should probably seek help.....after this next drink.

By ruckfules85 | 34

#6204860 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:11

Really good you caught your mistake instead of giving it to her.

Vegetarian27 | 24

#6204891 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:36

It doesn't say that OP didn't give it to her. Maybe they did and the daughter told them to get help.

Jackimo98 | 24

#6205402 - Wednesday 18 February 2015 1:55

At least any child young enough to be asking her mom to pour them some juice wouldn't have made it any farther than a sip

By IceMan11 | 23

#6204863 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:12

Should pour a glass of juice and top with vodka. Get it right guy.

EatUrGreens | 20

#6204880 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:28

I knew some people were ignorant but not to this level omg..

By Blue_Black_fml | 21

#6204865 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:13

I hope you this makes you realize that you need to be a responsible parent and quit drinking.

By sarah5745 | 41

#6204866 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:13

Get help ASAP

By icedexplosion | 19

#6204867 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:13

That would've been a nasty surprise

By winchestinalock | 21

#6204868 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:14

The first step is acknowledging it so I guess you're there

By ThatDamHuntress | 20

#6204872 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:17

So, I'm Guessing you were drunk? Hopefully she did not take a sip yet.

By jett0001 | 13

#6204876 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 10:22

Well, how old is your daughter though?? Haha.

siggy_mcsigx | 22

#6204958 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 14:13

Young enough for a parent to pour her juice.

annarcheer | 19

#6204961 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 14:29

Sometimes I will ask my dad if he can get me something to drink if he's already in the kitchen getting himself something.