Today, my demented asswipe of a lab partner thought it'd be funny... - FML

By Anonymous - 28/6/2013 17:34 - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my demented asswipe of a lab partner thought it'd be funny to replace the birthday gift I bought for my girlfriend with the large intestine of a recently-dissected dog. My girlfriend nearly fainted when she opened the gift box, and accused me of planning the whole thing. FML

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Understandable

Family values

Tidy your room

By sheilob - 24/3/2012 23:06 - Australia - Camden

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

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By Late - 12/11/2016 07:45

Today, my boss at my new job yelled at me for being 15 minutes early to work. Last week he yelled at me for being late for my shift when I arrived 5 minutes early. He's considering this my final warning before I'm fired. FML

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By Broc'n dreams - 6/2/2017 16:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Face Your Fears

Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 21:13 - France

Today, I paid a social visit to my grandparents. While we were watching the news, a story came on about the Queen of England. I scoffed, "How is she not dead already? How old is she, anyway?" My grandmother replied, "About my age." Oops. FML

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By erockinthesuburb - 11/4/2012 16:25 - United States - Algonquin

Today, I was stopped and searched by a cop, and he quickly found the bag of weed in my pocket. He didn't arrest or fine me, but he did confiscate my weed and told me to "get lost." Pretty sure I just got legally mugged. FML

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By the boogieman mom - 27/11/2018 14:00

Today, I found out that eating too much cheese really can cause nightmares. I had a cheese sandwich before bed and woke up later to the nightmarish sight of my mother-in-law standing over me with a suitcase. She had a big argument with her husband and wants to stay with us for a few weeks. FML

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By spongebob squarepants - 28/2/2018 01:30

Today, I rear-ended someone while trying to watch my odometer hit 80,000 miles. FML

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By Ticketshame - 8/5/2019 08:00

Today, I got pulled over for talking on my phone while driving. I'd lost my phone the day before. He didn’t believe me. So, I got a ticket for talking on a phone I can’t even find. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

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By sarabalism - 17/12/2009 05:07 - Canada

Today, I walked into Old Navy to buy myself a pair of jingle jammies. Save yourself the embarrassment: don't shake the jammies in the middle of the store to hear the jingling, because these jammies do not jingle. You'll just look like an idiot. FML

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By Venus - 13/3/2014 22:28 - United States - La Crescenta

Today, upon being asked to name all the planets, I had to sing along to a Lady Gaga song in my head to remember them. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 15:54 - Australia - Perth

Today, I realised being the only female engineering student sucks. I have exactly one friend, because everyone else is too busy staring at my boobs to have a conversation. FML

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By FirstWeekFail - 4/9/2018 18:30

Today, I was bitching to my mom on the phone about the long, boring paper assignment my Lit professor gave us. Right after saying "that woman needs to get laid" I heard hysterical laughing behind me. I turned. Hello professor, just on my way to drop the course. FML

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By JerryClark - 2/2/2020 14:00 - United States - San Bernardino

So beautiful!

Today, my best female friend sent me a nude to make sure it looked good before she sent it to the guy she likes. FML

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By EyeSeeYou - 2/5/2012 18:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, a thumb tack came out of one of my posters on my wall. The sole of my foot had the pleasure of finding it. FML

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By Blerp - 22/1/2017 10:00

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

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By John - 22/8/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, I took my 15 year old daughter driving. I yelled at her for not going safely around corners. On the way home, while demonstrating how to drive right, I went around a corner and hit a cement truck. FML

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By PrinceJ - 27/10/2018 17:30

Today, my girlfriend's homophobic cousin claimed she saw me making out with my gay friend in public. I was home alone all day, but my girlfriend is crying and unconvinced. FML

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By ShakenNotStirred - 11/11/2013 08:18 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, a drunken customer blindsided me after I told him I would not be giving him a free drink after I watched him put his own hair in it. FML

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By roadrage - 22/10/2009 13:11 - Australia

Today, I missed my University entrance exam because of heavy traffic. I was stuck at one intersection for over an hour. The real kicker? It took me less than 10 minutes to drive home. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2013 04:13 - United States - Woburn

Today, my husband thought it would be acceptable to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix with my 4-year-old in the room. What happened to be the only line he picked up? "Well heil Hitler, bitch!" I found out from his preschool teacher. FML

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By fishingforubies2 - 24/7/2015 14:02 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 12:00

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, my boyfriend's antisocial father actually decided to talk to me. Too bad I couldn't respond, due to the fact that I still had his son's penis in my mouth. FML

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By disappointed dad - 19/5/2013 07:35 - United States

Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML

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By armybrat - 10/7/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while babysitting my neighbors kids for the day. I was woken up by this obnoxious sound, only to find the youngest kid holding scissors in one hand, a pony tail of hair in his shorts jumping around like a horse, oh, and a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

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By Soap0015 - 16/8/2012 09:57 - United States

Today, I was at work as a lifeguard. The temperature was absolutely stifling, but I tried to tough it out. A couple of hours into my shift, I passed out, fell off my stand, and crashed into the water. Or so the medics tell me. FML

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By Nick - 5/4/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend of almost 5 years (who broke up with me only a week or so ago) told me that she's been speaking to one of my best friends and sees a future with him instead of me. FML

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By but I tried anal and everything - 22/11/2012 16:13 - United States - Des Moines

Today, in break from tradition, I proposed to my boyfriend. We were at a Japanese Pagoda. Water was trickling everywhere; the moment was perfect. While I was on my knee, after pouring my heart out, he looked wistfully out over the water and said, "So, I was thinking pizza tonight." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 01:47 - Australia

Today, I took my driver's test. I did everything flawlessly, but my examiner kept all but pissing his pants throughout. He yelled, "ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?!" when I drove past a traffic light just as it was about to turn red. The road was almost empty. He failed me on the spot. FML

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By couchsurfer - 10/8/2012 00:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend to allow the cats to sleep with us on the bed. As we started to cuddle, one of the cats pissed right in between us. We are sleeping on the couch until the baking soda absorbs the smell in the mattress. I'll be sleeping there longer than that. FML

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By mhm - 6/5/2012 02:21 - Canada - Woodbridge

Today, on the bus, I caught the eye of this ugly, sweaty girl giving me a death stare through the driver's mirror. I gave her a death stare back. Only then I realized I was staring at myself. FML

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By Queerbait - 5/11/2015 06:52 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML

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By ItchyGirl - 9/10/2016 12:07 - Australia - Geelong

Today, I've got the worst eczema I've had in 25 years. It's spread to the worst possible spot: right where my thighs touch when I walk. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2012 04:18 - United States

Today, I found my missing shoe. It hit me as it fell out the tree in our front yard. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2011 00:10 - United States

Today, I called the college of my dreams to check the status of my application. Turns out they "never received" copies of my transcripts. They did however cash the $70 application fee that was mailed with them. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2012 21:38 - Ireland - Gorey

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

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By Husband - 22/11/2016 14:33 - United States - Washington

Today, I asked my husband if he wanted to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He choked on his own spit to avoid answering the question. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2015 19:54 - Canada - Burlington

Today, I went to a hockey game. While warm-ups were happening, my favourite player pointed at me and tossed me a puck. It bounced off my hand into another girl's, who was a fan of the other team. She refused to give it back, then walked away and said, "I can't wait to sell this on eBay." FML

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Top comments

By Nordrag | 26

#5557159 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:05

As far as pranks go, anything that fucks with a gift for someone else is taking it to far.

By slooby_fml | 25

#5557156 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:04

Create an...experiment...for your lab partner

COMMENTS

By mspiggy3712 | 11

#5557147 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:02

That sucks!

By slooby_fml | 25

#5557156 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:04

Create an...experiment...for your lab partner

Reply

jjessen | 20

#5557216 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:33

I heard raw eggs and orange juice go really well with coffee. why don't you give your lab partner a glass :D

Reply

mrdinofly | 6

#5558282 - Saturday 29 June 2013 21:21

"An eye for an eye makes the world blind"

Reply

slooby_fml | 25

#5558313 - Saturday 29 June 2013 21:57

56 - If you let people pick on you, you get the reputation of being an easy target. Let people know that you're not one to mess with

Reply

jjessen | 20

#5558316 - Saturday 29 June 2013 22:03

It appears my joke flew over most people's heads. When orange juice and raw eggs are mixed with coffee, it creates an explosion, thus creating a sort of chemical revenge :P

Reply

Snowlight_fml | 7

#5562723 - Tuesday 2 July 2013 19:55

*Of your lab partner.

Reply

deathskittlez | 6

#5568631 - Saturday 6 July 2013 22:15

You mean "from" said lab partner...

By Nordrag | 26

#5557159 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:05

As far as pranks go, anything that fucks with a gift for someone else is taking it to far.

Reply

swordidfate | 13

#5559377 - Sunday 30 June 2013 18:12

Maybe suggesting where he got the intestines from?

Reply

Gokushivum | 11

#6181936 - Saturday 24 January 2015 1:55

"From a recently dissected dog"

By emeraldisle | 30

#5557164 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:07

That guy has a twisted sense of humour.

By twinkiefeets | 17

#5557167 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:08

Why are you dissecting dogs.

Reply

inthedopeshow | 17

#5557200 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:23

Probably because it's a required lab in OP's biology (or similar science) class.

Reply

greenfishbait | 19

#5557284 - Saturday 29 June 2013 3:37

It's definitely not unheard of. Most advanced science classes have to dissect dogs,cats,rats, pigs, etc.

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5557368 - Saturday 29 June 2013 4:59

I took a vet class, and I dissected cats, it was pretty cool too!

Reply

AmberAusgeflippt | 13

#5557584 - Saturday 29 June 2013 7:24

To get an education. Try it.

By s_reel16 | 16

#5557169 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:08

She should believe that you didnt do it...

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#5557565 - Saturday 29 June 2013 7:04

Sadly… even OP planning this is not out of the realm of the inconceivable. Not that he did it, of course.

By golden_warrior | 23

#5557177 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:11

It's a good prank OP but he should have done it to you and not your girl friend.

By shadowedpixie | 19

#5557179 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:11

You need to get that person back for this, BIG time!

By jamnglamgirlie | 17

#5557195 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:21

blood must be shed.

Reply

QQmore_fml | 18

#5557215 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:32

That's what stated this whole thing...

By olpally | 32

#5557196 - Saturday 29 June 2013 2:21

Regift it and go dump that on his head. Asshole.