Kids: Today, my daughter tried to sneak out of the house. When I caught...

By abbielane - 25/06/2012 04:08 - United States - Rochester

Today, my daughter tried to sneak out of the house. When I caught her, she freaked out and punched me in the face. She then "snapped out of it" and claimed she was sleepwalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 951

You deserved it 3 785

Kids

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Broken heart

Yada yada yada

Tricked

By Dannnn - 10/06/2021 10:59

Today, I met a super gorgeous girl at the bar. We laughed together over drinks and it was all perfect, until she told me she wasn’t from this town. We hugged goodbye and she left. When I went to pay our tab, I realized I’d been pickpocketed by her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 002

You deserved it 166

What goes up…

By Anonymous - 18/06/2020 17:02

Today, I had to take my daughter to hospital because her butt swallowed her dildo. Try as I might, in the waiting area her dad and I couldn’t stop giggling at random intervals at the absurdity of the situation, so she’s probably never going to speak to us again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 089

You deserved it 294

By Anonymous - 18/04/2012 10:59 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I heard that my ex-girlfriend was spreading scurrilous rumours about me all over our university. It appears that I distribute white supremacist propaganda, and that my sexual fantasies involve animals and vegetation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 770

You deserved it 2 867

By Mak1 - 05/12/2008 08:12 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 562

You deserved it 4 647

By Jolene - 26/12/2012 14:32 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend breaking things off with me. He waited until the day after Christmas because he wanted all his presents. And he got me nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 466

You deserved it 3 853

By drunkfacebookuser - 23/10/2010 13:15 - Australia

Today, I got very drunk after being fired from my job. In my depressed, intoxicated state, I posted my facebook status as 'Goodbye world'. The only response was from my dad saying 'cya'. His comment got 29 likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 628

You deserved it 13 861

By downer - 25/05/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I was feeling really down. So I texted my boyfriend and asked him to tell me why he loves me, thinking he would cheer me up. His response? "Don't bug me with this stupid shit anymore. You always ask such dumb questions." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 196

You deserved it 58 587

By DebtedToSociety - 07/06/2009 17:54 - United States

Today, I was watching a TV show about people with shopping addictions. One girl was $15,000 in debt and I thought how horrible it would be to live with that. Then I realized that I'm in medical school and currently $135,000 in debt. At least they have something to show for their debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 043

You deserved it 8 558

By Morganisoverrated - 22/10/2018 15:30

Today, I was planning to ask a guy at school out since I had mustered up the confidence to finally tell him how I really felt. I ended up puking on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 929

You deserved it 335

Where did you guys come from?

By Brad - 04/07/2021 21:59 - United States

Today, I woke up to find two pitbulls viciously tearing up my couch. I have never owned a dog and I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 58

By the bleeder - 13/05/2016 05:05

Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment when my nose started bleeding. I didn't know at first, so I blew my nose and an inhuman amount of blood sprayed out the side of the tissue all over my desk, the wall, and the student's paper. It looked like a murder scene. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 222

You deserved it 1 429

By Savy - 13/02/2017 12:00 - United States - Mesa

Today, I was tailgated by a car with his high beams on for an hour. Any time I changed my speed or lane, he would do the same. I finally managed to get away from him because a cop pulled me over and gave me a speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 060

You deserved it 896

By hedayk - 15/05/2015 20:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, I woke up so hungover that when I went to the bathroom and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I screamed, slipped backwards, and smashed my head against the rim of my bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 234

You deserved it 11 979

By dream1334 - 02/06/2012 23:28 - United States - East Rockaway

Today, I was at a wedding. After videotaping the ceremony for a few minutes, my memory was full. I went to delete another video. I accidentally played the loudest video I had. No one was looking at the bride or groom anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 132

You deserved it 9 644

By BearGrillz - 17/08/2009 23:40 - United States

Today, there were some wasps getting in my bedroom from a hole in the frame of my window. I went outside with some spray and took out their entrance. What I didnt know is that when you spray wasps, they go the other direction. I now have 60+ wasps flying around my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 256

You deserved it 25 932

By Anonymous - 06/10/2012 18:27 - Philippines - Sucat

Today, I had a big argument with my girlfriend, after she tried to stop me going home, even though it was already past my curfew. I got home, only to find out I'm grounded for staying out late, and dumped for being "inconsiderate". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 915

You deserved it 3 535

By single pringle - 05/11/2014 01:16 - United States - Morristown

Today, my boyfriend came home from college for the first time in weeks just to visit me. I was so excited that I spent two hours getting ready. Turns out he was only coming back to dump me. Now I'm single and out of foundation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 835

You deserved it 4 412

By YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK THE CUSTOMER - 20/07/2013 17:47 - United States - Sherwood

Today, at work, a woman came up to the snack bar and ordered a pretzel with no salt. When I served her the food, she angrily complained about it having no salt, followed by her throwing the whole thing in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 140

You deserved it 3 450

By Maleficia - 19/01/2017 08:25

Today, the government froze my bank account for not paying college debt, and now I can't access my 0.30 cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 817

You deserved it 1 456

By gedderdunn - 24/05/2010 06:13 - Reserved

Today, I went on a first date, where my date managed to fall in a creek, take me to his house and measure my height, show me family pictures, and perform the Soulja Boy dance in his living room. All while wearing swim trunks because his pants were drying and he didn't have extras. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 076

You deserved it 7 742

By zAstonish - 25/09/2015 15:03 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt deep breathing on my neck. I screamed, fell off the bed and busted my nose. It was just my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 853

You deserved it 3 971

By Anonymous - 12/08/2009 20:12 - Denmark

Today, I got stung by a bee. On my eyelid. I'm allergic so it's swollen up so much, I can't even open my eye. Tomorrow is the first day of a new prestigious school. I either have to go to school wearing an eye-patch or walk around looking like a monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 673

You deserved it 3 305

By Anonymous - 20/08/2013 17:18 - United States

Today, my ass decided that it was the perfect day to exhibit the diarrhea side-effect of medicine I'm taking. I definitely made a lasting impression on my interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 123

You deserved it 2 964

By InsaneIdiots - 07/06/2019 04:10

Today, after recovering from surgery, I was leaving the clinic when a bucket of red paint was thrown at me, and a woman shouted that I was a murderer. I replied, "Sorry, would you like me to ask the doctor for my ovarian cyst back so I can pretend it was a fetus?" She hit me with her handbag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 920

You deserved it 170

By meegs - 17/10/2010 00:31 - Canada

Today, my sister asked me if she could go into my closet to borrow my favourite dress for a party she was going to tonight. When I asked her where she was going, she said to a Halloween costume party. My sister is going as a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 998

You deserved it 31 703

By Anonymous - 20/08/2019 16:00

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and someone had left their dirty tampon rolled up in toilet paper on the top of the paper dispenser. I felt obligated to dispose of it, so the next person didn't think I left it, because there was a line for the stalls. Fuck you, asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 671

You deserved it 179

By Anonymous - 12/11/2015 09:57

Today, I graduated from a top law school. My aunt's reaction? "I will never hang out with a cop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 280

You deserved it 2 060

By nice one - 14/07/2013 17:51 - United States - Athens

Today, I got home from a week-long vacation with my friend's family. When I got back home, I found the garage door had been completely demolished. My uncontrollably drunk dad blamed me. I don't even drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 730

You deserved it 2 737

Married life

By ALO - 21/01/2020 05:00 - United States - Bossier City

Today, I found out my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me with "10-15" people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 983

You deserved it 202

By Anonymous - 04/04/2011 05:26

Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 360

You deserved it 4 687

By ldn - 21/03/2013 17:54 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, my girlfriend confided in me that she wanted to try bondage. Since I trust her, I said sure. After I was tied to the bed, she tickled me until I pissed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 539

You deserved it 12 932

By demotivator - 02/11/2014 21:38 - Romania - Timisoara

Today, I finally got off my lazy ass and start studying for my upcoming exam. It was going pretty well, until my classmate called and after I proudly told him about my sudden motivation, the only thing he had to say was, "You got the date wrong, the exam was on thursday." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 080

You deserved it 27 492

By Anonymous - 05/02/2014 01:03 - United States - Bay Shore

Today, on the eighth day of my diet, I met up with my study group. Everyone was snacking on junk food while I stuck to carrots. Someone put a Snickers bar on the table. "God, I want you," I thought. Turns out I was thinking out loud. The guy next to me inched his chair away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 925

You deserved it 8 000

By Madagascar - 19/12/2009 10:18 - Australia

Today, when my boyfriend and I were becoming intimate, his cat decides to jump onto the bed and lie right in between us. He then informs me that he wanted to stop to "preserve his cat's innocence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 810

You deserved it 4 866

By Iamsosorry - 22/06/2015 11:35 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, at my work in a call centre, a man called up on a very quiet line to report a car accident on his father's behalf because his father was deaf. I asked him to ask his dad if he was OK after the accident. I'd misheard him and he had said "dead", not "deaf". He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 386

You deserved it 4 111

By UnwantedDaughter - 08/01/2019 20:00

Today, it's my birthday. My father didn't get me a birthday present or do anything for me, and acted as though he only came to visit because it was expected. Yet when it was his birthday a couple months ago, he expected me to take him out and pay for it FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 626

You deserved it 205

By Darkheaven - 17/11/2008 11:27 - France

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 395

You deserved it 9 427

Thanks for your concern

By nothealthy - 29/03/2016 04:51 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my sister called after she found out I was hospitalized with surgery complications. Worried about me? Wondering if I'm okay? Nope. Just mad that I texted her an update rather than calling. I didn't call because I had surgery on my throat and can't speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 953

You deserved it 1 226

By killmenow - 23/04/2014 14:54 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I locked myself out of my dorm room. I walked across campus, shoe-less and in nothing but my bathrobe, to find someone who could let me back in. Turns out I hadn't even shut the door properly and so it never actually locked. I can still hear the guy laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 771

You deserved it 14 362

By mathii - 23/07/2011 23:52 - France

Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 684

You deserved it 6 131

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Top comments

plaguer 26

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:06

She obviously needs a lot more rest due to "sleepwalking". Her new bedtime should be 7, just to make sure.

Pentium_4 26

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:12

wow. if i was caught sneaking out of the house, the LAST thing i would do is punch one of my parents in the face, unless i wanted to die...

mjew 7

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:02

Call her bluff?

IsAbElLiCiA20 6

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:32

You gotta hand it to her, at least she quickly tried to cover her own ass by using the old "I was sleepwalking" excuse. Be glad she's still safe and sound, and now probably grounded, and not out trying to be the next Teen Mom star!

IsAbElLiCiA20 6

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:36

You gotta hand it to her, at least she tried to quickly cover her own ass using the old "I was sleepwalking" excuse. Be glad she's safe and sound, and now probably grounded, and not out with the possibility of being the star of another 16 and Pregnant episode!

Acidiic 7

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:47

Haha she's a quick thinker. I like that xD but i'd still ground her ass for trying to sneak out. She could have gotten into trouble.

ydi_4_suking 20

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Monday 25 June 2012 13:16

It should be grounded for trying to sneak out AND for punching OP. Not just sneaking out

mylifesucks_fml 1

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Monday 25 June 2012 14:29

GET AN ALARM SYSTEM! those things are annoying as hell when people open and close doors or windows while it's on. there's no way to sneak out. and this is coming from a teen.

shots1996 8

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Monday 25 June 2012 14:33

42 Why would you try and hold back your own kind like that? We teens are supposed to stick together dude

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 25 June 2012 15:55

Because teens think with their hormones instead of their brains

_Oblivion_ 12

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Monday 25 June 2012 16:17

42 I despise my alarm system. And 58 take your stereotyping ass somewhere else

simonsaysYDI 8

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Monday 25 June 2012 17:06

Huh, all you people mentioning alarm systems and the need to sneak out. Maybe I had it easier than I thought. I can't think of a single time my parents didn't let me go out somewhere. They were just glad I wasn't sitting on the computer =P

t765234 10

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Monday 25 June 2012 18:20

43- I'm a teen and I hate most other teens, why would I want them to prosper.

Grimmerie 31

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Monday 25 June 2012 20:46

74 - my mother was the same. Then again I spent most of my nights working. I agree with the alarm system. My brother was a JD and whenever he opened a door or window at night the alarm would scream, Mom and I would both wake up, and he'd be in shit yet again. Kept him from being arrested for YEARS. Then he learned the code and our little scheme was ruined.

tjv3 10

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Tuesday 26 June 2012 1:42

You gotta give her credit for thinking quickly . After you do ground her ass and put her on lock down

ecstacie 2

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Tuesday 26 June 2012 2:43

Most sleep walkers are violent when you wake them up while they are still sleep walking. But it's probably just an excuse lol.

TayonaC 10

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 10:07

My mom would have blacked out and "accidentally" put me in a head lock and punched me in the throat. She's lucky to be alive...

Damien1398 4

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:04

She probably was, and you just ruined her wonderful sleep.

xoconnie 8

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Monday 25 June 2012 15:57

Maybe, but still no excuse to punch him in the face man.

Lilwolfyyy 0

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Monday 25 June 2012 16:01

60- Well sleep walking can pose as a threat. If she WAS sleep walking, she could have in fact pushed him in the face.

Lilwolfyyy 0

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Monday 25 June 2012 16:13

sleepwalking* punched*

DespairFaction 11

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Monday 25 June 2012 18:16

Haven't you seen step brothers?

Anth194 3

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Monday 25 June 2012 18:19

OPs fault, never wake someone up from sleep walking. Step Brothers should have taught you that

ShyAnn29 14

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Monday 25 June 2012 22:00

I was sleepwalking once, and locked myself out of the house, so it's possible she was sleepwalking.

VoteForTaco 8

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Tuesday 26 June 2012 11:40

I was sleepwalking once, and I ended up peeing on my brand new bike FML.

KBeatz 5

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:04

Because when people sleepwalk they also usually get dressed up first, right? Use that and you win!

LennyComa 39

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:09

Sleepwalkers often act like a person who is awake, and would get dressed.

dude1122332 9

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:18

KBeatz-1 Lenny-0

toenibbler 14

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:20

That isn't necessarily true. Some people just get out of bed and walk around, so if the sleepwalker sleeps in their birthday suit then someone is going to get the shock of their lives.

Enslaved 36

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:25

I know a lot of teens that sleep in their clothes. Too lazy to change after hours of gaming.

ant1078 7

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:47

I sleep naked :o

ManInTheMachine 19

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Monday 25 June 2012 15:31

27-I bet you shower naked too you filthy whore! >:o

minus20 4

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Monday 25 June 2012 16:44

Once again you have made a fantastic comment and that's why I love you

Shadowvoid 33

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Monday 25 June 2012 17:33

If only you were a lady.

plaguer 26

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:06

She obviously needs a lot more rest due to "sleepwalking". Her new bedtime should be 7, just to make sure.

piercyn 5

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Tuesday 26 June 2012 0:40

You are an asshole.

astoryofroses 9

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:09

which is why you need to lock her room because you want to "make sure she doesn't stumble out while sleepwalking" >:)

OhDearBetrayal 25

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Monday 25 June 2012 14:37

If she has a window it could make it easier for her to sneak out. Though this is assuming that her room is on the first floor and that if she has a room higher than ground level she has a sweet tree like Tom Sawyer to climb down from.

CanWeMicrowaveIt 11

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Monday 25 June 2012 16:58

Your picture is perfect xD

astoryofroses 9

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Monday 25 June 2012 22:31

71 - why thank you :)

Link5794 18

Tuesday 1 January 2013 5:21

Sleep climbing? What's next, sleep texting? Sleep socializing? Sleep gaming? Sleep sex? That'll be one crazy statutory rape case.

Pentium_4 26

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:12

wow. if i was caught sneaking out of the house, the LAST thing i would do is punch one of my parents in the face, unless i wanted to die...

ydi_4_suking 20

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:31

Parents go way too easy on their kids now. They bitch and put it on fml now

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Monday 25 June 2012 13:56

22- i agree, if that were my dad he'd beat my ass till I walked funny

KiddNYC1O 20

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Monday 25 June 2012 14:14

Lmao ^

AzzieC 12

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Tuesday 26 June 2012 18:24

True dat

jgoodz 3

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Saturday 30 June 2012 19:14

36- yeah if I punched my dad in the face he would beat me till I was blue and purple, which would be a lot because I'm black.

ChickInGreenVans 12

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:13

What were 'YOU' doing up??

slick5880 22

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Monday 25 June 2012 16:58

Perusing the compound for excapees? Just a guess.

Wow_FYL_BIZNITCH 7

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Monday 25 June 2012 19:07

Op's daughter may have made a bunch of noise and woke OP up.

seasonedtoast 19

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

MissAmz 7

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:15

That would be relevant if she was in fact sleepwalking..

seasonedtoast 19

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:18

There needs to be a specific font allocated to sarcasm.

MissAmz 7

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Monday 25 June 2012 12:22

Oh wow.. Yes, there does. : /

humorizer 14

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Monday 25 June 2012 13:57

To be fair, I'm generally pretty good at catching sarcasm, and I wasn't able to catch it on this one. Sometimes I don't have much faith in the internet community. ;)