Kids: Today, my daughter couldn't find a hair tie and thought a piece...

By Ari

Today, my daughter couldn't find a hair tie and thought a piece of duct tape would be a perfectly fine substitute. FML

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Kids

Pleased to meet you

Fuck the patriarchy

Still pining

By dieana - Canada - Lacombe

Today, I actually uttered the words: "Those are my good sweatpants." FML

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By yikesss

Today my boyfriend told me that dirty talk with me was like potty training a puppy. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Eastbourne

Today, I went to a big job interview. Everything went well at first, with the interviewer being impressed by my CV. I was then interrogated over not having a Facebook account, and practically accused of being a criminal, because people without them "always have something to hide". FML

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By mymomplucksbutthair - United States

Today, my mom confessed to me that she used to pluck my step-dad's butt hair. I hope the brain-gods delete this obnoxious mental picture. FML

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By nipped - Australia

Today, I thought it would be fun to tease my dog by standing above her and hitting each of her paws repeatedly. My dog thought it would be fun to jump up and bite at my chest whilst I wasn't wearing a shirt. I just spent four hours in hospital getting my nipple sewn back on. FML

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By disapointed girl - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML

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By i see fat people - Australia - Canberra

Today, I finally felt motivated to do some exercise. As I got my weights out, I noticed out of the corner of my eye someone moving about outside my window. I got scared and dropped a weight on my foot. The person outside was my own reflection. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and stopped at a street light. A little girl looked at me, then asked her mother, "Mommy, why does that girl have a ring through her nose?" Her mother then replied, "Because her parents don't love her." FML

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By YoshiSqu4d - 31/7/2020 20:01

Emergency cooking

Today, I managed to set off the smoke detectors while cooking burgers. The cops and fire department showed up. FML

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By fffmmll - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

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By hellosir - United States

Today, while at my dorm, I experienced a vomit-inducing migraine. In my hurry to get to the bathroom to puke, I couldn't find a pair of shoes. I urgently needed the toilet, so I braved the communal bathroom barefoot. As I opened the stall door, I stepped in someone else's fresh vomit. FML

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By teriyaki124 - United States

Today, I came out to my mom. I had an epic speech planned, and when I tried to tell her, it all fell apart and I started crying and just said, "I'm gay." After a few seconds silence, my mom sighs and says, "Duh." FML

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By howtragic - Australia

Today, my husband wrote all these wonderful romantic messages to me via Facebook, proclaiming his love to me in front of all my friends and family. Too bad he hasn't spoken to me in "real life" for almost 3 weeks. FML

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By nen_00 - United States

Today, I realized the guy I've been hooking up with has a daughter who is a year younger than me. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also found out she had a child of her own. I've been hooking up with a grandpa. FML

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By Candace - United States

Today, my best friend planned a birthday party for me at the local Mexican restaurant. NO ONE showed up. We told the Mexican waiter there would be 18 arriving. Two hours later he brought me free ice cream. Even the non-english speaking waiters knew I was a loser. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street calling me a pedophile. FML

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By concernedsis - United States - Atlanta

Today, I heard some gossip at school about a weird kid who supposedly jerks off at every house he visits. They were talking about my brother. FML

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By SlowLane - United States

Today, I got 4 "photo enforced" speeding tickets in the mail. It was from the car that was stolen from me three weeks ago. FML

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By Silver_Samurai - Netherlands

Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

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By klv8 - United States

Today, I logged onto facebook to realize that my boyfriend is now listed as single. News to me. FML

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By holliefall - United States

Today, I called Tech Support because the computer program wouldn't let me open files for my online classes. After an hour, and being walked through the downloading process multiple times. There was a pause and he said "You're a F*ing idiot." and hung up. It still won't work. FML

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By terrifiedanon - United States - Denver

Today, I was at a house party and a guy needed a ride somewhere. Our designated driver, being the nice person she is, offered. I was in the back seat with him. His first words were, "Hey guys! I want to clear this awkwardness so… I once saw a 6-year-old girl die during a drive by I was on." FML

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By Dammit Brain - 22/10/2020 20:02 - United States - Fredericksburg

Bad date

Today, I went on a lunch date with a guy I used to work with. When the conversation got dry, I asked him if he went by “Chris” or “Christopher” these days. His name is Daniel. My brain knew my mistake as I said it. Just when I thought the silence couldn’t get more awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML

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By 4themoneh - United States

Today, I arrived twenty minutes early for my opening shift at work, so I decided to turn on the radio and wait in my nice warm car. I woke up two hours later with twelve missed calls from my boss and a dead car battery. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up very excited because I was going on my first date with this guy I really liked. I dressed very nicely and went to where we were supposed to meet. I waited for about 2 hours. I called him to ask him where he was. He got angry because he was still sleeping and I woke him up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Monroe

Today, after sending in my passport application for a trip to Paris, I got a letter from the state department saying despite them having my original birth certificate, I don't exist. Upon calling them, I was told that it only proves I'm a citizen, not that I exist. I pay taxes and have a mortgage. FML

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By deadman - United Kingdom - Market Harborough

Today, I'm having heart surgery. The doc came in, donut in one hand and papers in another. While I was filling them out, his hands kept trembling, and he dropped the donut on the floor. He fumbled to pick it up and kept eating. The guy I'm entrusting my life to doesn't even respect the five-second rule. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was getting out of the car, my 7-year-old son opened the door for me. I thought it was very gentlemanly of him to do that, until he smashed my thumb with the car door. FML

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By notpregnant - United States

Today, I updated my Facebook status to "It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood." My cousin, seeing the status, failed to pick up on the sarcastic humor. She called all my family members and tell them that I was pregnant. Including my husband in Iraq. FML

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By whatislife1969

Today, my work had an employee party at the park and I drank a little too much vodka. Towards the end of the party, I found myself making out with a tree in front of all my co-workers. FML

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By FMyBrain - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gig Harbor

Today, I had to endure my girlfriend crying and screaming at me. The reason? I'm not able to please her like the fictional character Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey. When she left me, she took all her stuff and left me with copies of the 3 books. FML

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By well then - United States - Forest Park

Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2020 20:00 - Netherlands

Wedding dress

Today, I walked down the aisle when a bug flew into my mouth. In a response, I threw up on my beautiful white wedding dress. I had to party and be in the pictures in someones spare pink dress for the rest of the day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML

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By hailey - United States - Bethesda

Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake at 4 am. Not knowing how it got on my iPod, I checked and found I had bought the whole $17.00 album in my sleep. This is the second time this month; the first time I downloaded the soundtrack from "The Wizard of Oz". FML

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By Widowmaker - United States - Henderson

Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML

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Top comments

By TxKitten79 | 10

#7689922 - Saturday 8 September 2018 23:33

oh dear. how old is this kiddo?

By user53658 | 15

#7687615 - Tuesday 4 September 2018 12:30

We all learn best from experience.

COMMENTS

By user53658 | 15

#7687615 - Tuesday 4 September 2018 12:30

We all learn best from experience.

By TxKitten79 | 10

#7689922 - Saturday 8 September 2018 23:33

oh dear. how old is this kiddo?

By melisssa87 | 30

#7689929 - Saturday 8 September 2018 23:51

Just cut it off, it’s the easiest when she gets lice at some point too

By ChromoTec | 24

#7689932 - Sunday 9 September 2018 0:10

She should be the one writing this FML

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7689958 - Sunday 9 September 2018 1:17

Next time she should use a rubber band.

Amanda Jaworski | 23

#7690157 - Sunday 9 September 2018 13:25

Only someone who knows that pain would write such a comment. Me too. Me. Too.

By routerere | 10

#7689963 - Sunday 9 September 2018 1:37

Letting kids do stupid things as kids and facing the consequences themselves hopefully teaches them not to do stupid things as adults.

By acmariner99 | 24

#7689968 - Sunday 9 September 2018 2:01

You mean it isn’t?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7689972 - Sunday 9 September 2018 3:06

Damn you, MythBusters! You said duct tape could be used for anything! You lied to us!

adelaine782002 | 17

#7689998 - Sunday 9 September 2018 5:38

love that show!

Agent JPN | 9

#7690511 - Monday 10 September 2018 4:26

It can.. she just used it wrong

By awildwhisper | 30

#7690004 - Sunday 9 September 2018 6:36

And that day she learned a valuable lesson on the chemistry of adhesive and hair.

By Deadputz57 | 4

#7690288 - Sunday 9 September 2018 18:01

Well, at least you won't have to save for college.