Today, my dad was on the couch and I sat down next to him. As... - FML

By whatashame - 1/4/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, my dad was on the couch and I sat down next to him. As I was reading a text message, I saw my dad's fat stomach sticking out so I patted it. After the first two pats, I realized I was patting in the wrong place. I patted the family jewels. FML

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Superficial World

Compassion

Not a cheating!

By linn - 27/9/2012 20:14 - United States

Today, my mom decided the time was right to give me the sex talk. Towards the end, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. As I came back, I overheard my dad telling my mom that I'm so unpopular, the only time I'll get laid is when I'm being put in a coffin. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2016 18:36 - United States - Milford

Today, instead of reaching for some unhealthy food, I tried to eat some dates instead. It was all fine until I bit one in half and saw a rather large, squirming maggot inside. FML

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By gofixmyhead - 30/8/2011 14:53 - United Kingdom

Today, in the flat I share with four students, I broke our toaster. The night before, they'd successfully managed to toast chicken soup-covered crumpets in it whilst drunk. I tried to toast a teacake, and the whole thing exploded in flames and smoke. Our toaster got taken out by a raisin. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2016 12:40 - United States - Youngsville

Today, after two weeks of intense detective work, I found out my wife isn't cheating on me after all. She really has just been going out and playing table tennis with her friend like she said. Who the hell even plays table tennis? FML

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By Bitch its me - 17/1/2009 11:11 - Korea Republic of

Today, I got up at five, got dressed, and walked halfway to work in the snow. I then realized that it's Sunday. I also forgot my keys. FML

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By ouagadougou - 24/2/2009 11:02 - United States

Today, I rolled over a curb and bent one of the signs that read "Please Park Here After Your Road Test," at the DMV, because my foot slipped off the brake just before I put the car in park, which would've ended my Test. The first words out of the examiner's mouth were, "Well you would've passed." FML

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By caqi33 - 8/3/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2019 05:00

Excitation morning

Today, while I was in bed, my cat licked my nipple. It turned me on. FML

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By anon - 11/7/2015 12:51 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after coming home from an AFL match in Melbourne at about 11pm, I saw a woman asleep on the train as we neared the end of the line. Being a nice person, I went to wake her, to which she started screaming and trying to punch me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I gave my 7 year old a snowglobe. I had spent the last week deconstructing it, putting an action figure of his favorite cartoon character inside, and then putting it back together. Later, I find it smashed into pieces because he wanted to "play with the toy it came with." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I returned home after a three-week trip to Jamaica. When I opened the door to my room, I was greeted by a swarm of bees and their enormous nest, which was attached to my doorknob. Apparently, I'd forgotten to close the window properly before I left. FML

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By waaah - 25/6/2012 07:00 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He decided he would be a gentleman and do this to me at work, over text, during a rush of unsympathetic customers, the day before our anniversary. FML

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By samikai523 - 18/4/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

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By EastOneTen - 6/10/2012 07:28 - United States

Today, my four roommates and I contracted lice. While all our heads were slathered in mayonnaise and saran wrap, our building's fire alarm went off. FML

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By ... cheers - 16/7/2013 20:32 - United Kingdom - Bishopton

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. His reason was that my laugh is really annoying and makes him want to "stick a baby in a blender". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 04:44 - United States - Buena Park

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old daughter to remove the handcuffs her father had placed on her as a joke. He didn't know they were real. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2010 07:44 - Canada

Today, I was robbed at work. The guy stole my cell phone, bag, and laptop. Because of the robbery, I had to close the store two and a half hours early. My boss decided to dock my hours. FML

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By meep - 16/3/2017 00:00

Today, as I was walking to wash my hands after using the restroom, the guy walking away from the sink flicked water from his hands towards the floor. Water splashed all over my beige shorts. I had to walk back into class looking like I'd peed my pants. FML

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By fall3nrain - 11/9/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I was trying to keep myself occupied due to my recent breakup. I was reading this book someone gave me about animal communication, so after a while, I figured I'd give it a shot. Then it dawned on me; I'm single, at home on a Friday night, and I'm trying to talk to my dog. FML

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By tickle spunk - 29/12/2011 18:39 - United States

Today, I came home and told my mom that I got the lead in the school musical, which I was very happy about. She pulled me into a hug then said, "But you know you can't really sing, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 02:00

Better out than in

Today, I had the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my lower right abdomen. I was doubled over and vomiting it hurt so bad. After going to the E.R., thinking it was my appendix and getting checked in, I let out the biggest most rancid fart in my life and the pain immediately went away. FML

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By ShitStirringSon - 15/8/2013 02:02 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML

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By and she doesn't even give bjs - 9/2/2013 00:44 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ with my girlfriend. She kept scoffing at what she called the "historical inaccuracies", and actually tried to convince me that Hitler killed Jesus. When I corrected her, she looked at me, mouth agape, as if I was insane. FML

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By Lord Buttfuck IV - 29/8/2015 14:06 - France

Today, my mum took away my laptop and my phone and won't let me call, text, or go out with friends for one month. Why? I left the toilet seat up. I'm writing this from a public library. FML

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By Chrissy - 8/2/2010 20:24 - United States

Today, I found out that the necklace my boyfriend gave me for my birthday was actually a gift he'd given to his ex girlfriend. FML

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By Cat lover - 23/12/2017 01:30

Today, after 25 years living with my dad, who is highly allergic to cats, I was finally able to adopt two kittens to live in my new place, just like I have always wanted. Guess who else is highly allergic to cats? Me, it seems. FML

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By Taylor - 30/7/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend decided to sing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML

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By mini matthylde - 19/11/2015 09:57 - France - Nantes

Today, I'm 4ft9 "tall" and I always have trouble reaching things that are high up. It's my birthday, and I got three footstools as gifts. FML

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By EaglEye - 2/11/2016 08:29

Today, I found out that even though I suffer from insomnia most days, I can sleep within 5 minutes of studying Solid Mechanics, especially when I have an end term the next day. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2012 22:08 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I foolishly told my husband that I know he's been holding back sexually, and that I was willing to indulge any sexual fantasies he may have. Now it seems that tonight, I'll be responding to the name "Fluttershy". FML

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By EyesOffMe - 7/9/2009 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was getting changed in front of my room mate of two years. Feeling comfortable, I took off all my clothes and started putting new clothes on. I asked why she wasn't taking her eyes off my naked body. She said "I'm loving the view. Didn't you know I'm a lesbian?" FML

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By Nik - 20/2/2010 15:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

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By rUs7up1d - 8/4/2015 14:43 - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, after pulling an all-nighter studying for an exam, I caught the bus to college. On the way there, the bus decided to make sweet love to a taxi, creating a pile-up and a traffic jam. I didn't make it to the exam in time. FML

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By PollingLow - 10/5/2012 15:45 - United States - Decatur

Today, I ran for editor-in-chief of a magazine. I spent hours working on my speech, and offered a bunch of new ideas to increase readership. My opponent just said that she, "loved the organization". I lost by a 4-1 margin. My opponent later announced her plans for next year. They were all of my ideas. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 04:24 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, tore it in half and gave it to him. Later, I noticed I'd given him the wrong, blank half. FML

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By MyEarsHurt - 16/9/2012 23:01 - United States - Stockton

Today, my next-door neighbor decided to become a rapper. FML

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By chelse_elyce - 21/1/2015 04:10 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in his car. We were in the front seat and I was on top. My ass hit the horn and scared my boyfriend so bad, he jumped, causing me to hit my head so hard that I swear I got a concussion. FML

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By E or - 13/7/2010 13:41 - United States

Today, I flew a toy airplane into my face. FML

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By myheadhurts - 21/6/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I came home from an amazing cruise to find that my house broken into. My best friend apparently decided to invite her drug addicted friends into my home while I was away where they stole 172$ and my migraine pills, which are non-refillable. I now have a migraine. FML

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Top comments

By PlasticShark | 0

#74551 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:31

YDI for even wanting to pat the belly in the first place... that's just... disturbing... =

By sarah8909 | 0

#74545 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:30

So the jewels were sticking out where you were patting or you just didn't bother looking and decided to pat him in that general area? YDI

Comments

By sarah8909 | 0

#74545 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:30

So the jewels were sticking out where you were patting or you just didn't bother looking and decided to pat him in that general area? YDI

Reply

rwac07 | 0

#964806 - Saturday 20 March 2010 7:36

WTF was he awake? 0_0

Reply

hwkfan1 | 10

#974329 - Monday 5 April 2010 8:40

the apple never falls far from the tree lolz

Reply

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1004209 - Sunday 23 May 2010 19:55

YDI. fourth!! :D

Reply

MiGman | 5

#1033228 - Thursday 17 June 2010 5:16

op that was a huge ass fail

Reply

iEnvade | 2

#2559874 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 3:15

162 - It does not make you forth by commenting on the first comment simply to get your comment to the top.. you're still one hundred sixty second. Nice try.

Reply

turkishjew | 0

#2903627 - Saturday 16 July 2011 6:04

and now you're scared for life

Reply

Bravo11 | 14

#2997731 - Saturday 30 July 2011 2:02

Why'd he let you pat twice?...o.O

Reply

ManlyDunsparce | 3

#3938587 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 2:09

182- she went back for seconds.

By PlasticShark | 0

#74551 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:31

YDI for even wanting to pat the belly in the first place... that's just... disturbing... =

Reply

spankos | 1

#1131334 - Saturday 24 July 2010 2:40

maybe the dads a buddha.

Reply

supersitter | 11

#5949789 - Monday 19 May 2014 6:15

#165, you read my mind

By Scars_fml | 4

#74553 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:32

Was it hard?

Reply

btnhdude | 0

#3137314 - Friday 19 August 2011 6:06

I'll tell you what's hard...

my fists,

hitting your face.

Reply

esines | 9

#4385209 - Thursday 3 May 2012 3:47

I hope his balls weren't hard

By reset_button | 0

#74557 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:32

Did he reciprocate?

By vxjazz | 0

#74562 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:36

Yuk.

Reply

cdatribe23 | 0

#2238536 - Friday 25 March 2011 7:35

this made me 'ewwww' out loud.

Reply

teenagedream13 | 1

#2661718 - Saturday 11 June 2011 17:45

Haha me too!

Reply

hanacurse | 11

#5450117 - Monday 15 April 2013 19:54

**Yuck.

By hpnerd | 0

#74563 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:36

You're completely creepy for doing that in the first place. YDI completely.

Who pats their father's bare stomach?

Reply

breadfuck | 0

#2727144 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 3:27

I do

Reply

btnhdude | 0

#3137318 - Friday 19 August 2011 6:08

awesome daughters do,
you boring hamster.

the balls were an accident though

Reply

blondbrunette916 | 0

#4094196 - Monday 27 February 2012 3:45

nobody said anything about it being bare

By marz88 | 0

#74564 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:37

How the hell can you not notice the difference?

By vxjazz | 0

#74568 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:38

#8- You are SCARY!

By Yayap_fml | 0

#74572 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:43

Um, go back to the part where you pat your father's fat... That's... weird...

By blb1989 | 0

#74585 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:54

Today, I rewarded my father for having a huge bulge by smacking his junk around a bit. FML