Today, my dad was on the couch and I sat down next to him. As... - FML

By whatashame - 1/4/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, my dad was on the couch and I sat down next to him. As I was reading a text message, I saw my dad's fat stomach sticking out so I patted it. After the first two pats, I realized I was patting in the wrong place. I patted the family jewels. FML

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Trust

Property law

Tense

By - 19/3/2019 06:00 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, after a 3-month dry spell because I am recovering after having a baby, I was finally in the mood to get intimate with my husband. Foreplay was great, the sex was great until my back gave out right as I was about to cum. I can't move without intense pain. I just wanted to orgasm! FML

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By he's not the one going to hell - 12/9/2014 21:11 - Australia

Today, some assface hacked my recently deceased friend's Facebook account. The person changed my friend's location to "Hell", then posted a status saying how hot the weather was, and replied "I wish :'(" to someone who'd said my friend was in a better place now. FML

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By meow - 16/7/2019 18:30

Today, I found out my boss hired literally the only person in this town who is an ex-boyfriend. I also work with my current boyfriend. FML

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By :/ - 1/10/2013 10:18

Today, I purposely set my phone off in class to make it seem like I had friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, while on a vacation, I tried to step out of myself and flirt with this boy who I thought was cute. He was going along with it and nodding so I thought it was working. Then he opened his mouth and I realized he didn't speak English. FML

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By chicagobulls102 - 10/9/2011 18:19 - United States

Today, the really cute guy who asked for my number last night texted me. He wanted to know if he could get my friend's number, because he'd been too shy to ask her directly. FML

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By Noname - 19/2/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, I went bowling with my mom and she paid for 2 games. By the 6th frame of game 1 she was bored and to get her money back for both games she told the employees I shit my pants. I'm 17. FML

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By mac cayne - 2/5/2014 03:13 - France - Strasbourg

Today, it's been a week since I found an egg in the street that had seemingly fallen out of a nest. I'd bought a cage and an expensive incubator lamp to save it. It's thus been a week that I've been trying to save a mouldy old potato. FML

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By Nomoretexting - 1/11/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I received a 4 page text message from my mom explaining what she was going to do to me tonight in full detail. I am one name below her boyfriend on her contact list. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, I had to chase my dog all the way down the street, watching in horror as she proudly showed all of my neighbors my bra. FML

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By - 3/8/2017 05:00

#LurkerForLife

Today, I realized that my social life is so dead the only thing I do that involves other people is read FML. I don't even participate in the comments. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2014 09:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had dinner for the first time with my boyfriend's parents. It was awkward enough without his mom asking, "So, what do you do for fun, besides my son?" FML

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By Anonytard - 2/3/2014 22:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I tried to kill a spider by throwing a shoe at it. All it did was slice the spider's egg sac open, releasing all its babies. FML

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By disgusted - 13/12/2015 07:45 - United States - Logan

Today, I confessed to my coworker that I'm interested in her romantically. She turned me down, saying that I'm a great guy, but that she basically doesn't want mixed-race children. She said she isn't racist, though, so I guess it's all okay, right? FML

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By meowmeow - 21/9/2010 04:38 - Australia

Today, I noticed my kitten was growling and twitching in his sleep. I tried to wake him up by gently prodding him. He responded by waking up and attacking my face. FML

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By Jrex89 - 2/6/2015 21:02 - United States - Washington

Today, I got woken up and kicked out of bed. Apparently if I cheat in her dreams it still counts. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 19:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

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By mikey09 - 17/1/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job, which requires you to wear a special shirt. Come to find out, they only have medium sized shirts. I am an XL. They demanded I wear the shirt anyway. FML

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By skipper - 12/2/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until 6 A.M. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

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By loverofstrife - 7/10/2009 22:36 - United States

Today, on my break, I decided to be friendly and chat with a co-worker that everyone else always seems to avoid. He spent the next ten minutes telling me all about his abcessing sebaceous cysts. Apparently, "The scars look just like gunshot wounds." FML

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By *cough* *cough* you're a dickface - 27/6/2015 05:48 - United States - Mckeesport

Today, I have the flu, so I called my boss to let him know I couldn't come in today. He told me to think my "lies" through better, and claimed that you can only get the flu during winter. So I guess I'm faking my pale skin, short breath, runny nose, and constant sneezing. FML

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By Solo coffee - 28/6/2017 00:00

Today, it's my last day of work at my job of 2 and a half years. I organised to have coffee with my coworkers at a cafe. Only I turned up. I had my farewell coffee alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2015 20:42 - United States - Boulder

Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending me messages for a while is just my dad. His excuse was, "I wanted you to feel like someone would actually like you." FML

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By failuretolaunch2 - 26/2/2015 03:31 - United States

Today, my boyfriend managed to orgasm by humping my leg. I'm beginning to think I am dating a puppy. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, I was on the toilet, when my Mom thought it would be a fun idea to barge in, take a picture of me, post it on Facebook, and tag me. FML

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By Nutless - 2/4/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, one of my baseball teammates thought it would be funny to perform a "cup-check", by hitting our crotches with the end of a baseball bat. I was actually watching the game, so I didn't see him when he came up and hit me. I wasn't wearing a cup. My nuts have shrunk by half of regular size. FML

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By Lena - 18/10/2015 17:06 - Germany

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2019 02:01

Dared

Today, I was dared to stand and hold a sign saying, "Free Hugs." This girl I'd never seen before gave me a crushing hug and cried hysterically on my shoulder in the blazing afternoon sun. I couldn't get her off. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2011 23:12 - United States

Ouch

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. I thought it was going great and I was doing a good job, until he told me to "stop chomping on it like it's a hot dog." FML

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By Deep Sigh - 14/8/2017 23:15

Deep Sigh? More like Deep Throat

Today, I wanted to get my mind off my ex, so like any other guy I decided to watch some porn and jack it. I see one video with a familiar looking room so I click on it. Guess who I saw getting it from some dude? So much for forgetting about my ex. FML

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By CzechMeOut - 4/8/2009 13:19 - United Kingdom

Today, while visiting family in the Czech Republic, I was told on two separate occasions that I looked like a Czech TV star. Flattered, I asked what the TV show was called. Turns out there's a Czech version of 'Ugly Betty'. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2012 00:49 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a co-worker asked me if I have a Facebook account, and I said I do. I had to politely smile as he spent the next half hour insulting me for supposedly being glued to it 24/7, before claiming that it's all a CIA front to steal people's social security details. Why are nutjobs like this even alive? FML

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By sunflower226 - 5/8/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, I had to pay a $150 late fee because my landlord didn't receive the rent check. My boyfriend had addressed the envelope to himself and put the landlord's as the return address. FML

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By jodafish - 8/11/2011 05:45 - Canada

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I couldn't tell her where the vitamins were in the pharmacy. The manager came and yelled at me for being lazy and incompetent. I work in the store across the street from the pharmacy. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2016 20:13

Today, I went to the store to buy new blankets and a comforter. A cute guy started chatting with me and asked about the new bedroom decor. I lied and said I just had a major break up and needed new things, instead of admitting I was too lazy to dig out and wash my winter blankets from last year. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I heard a little girl saying how much she didnt want braces to her mom because they hurt and make people look ugly. I looked at her and said, "Aww, there not that bad. See, I have them!" I then smiled to show her. She turned to her mom and said, "See!" then started to cry. FML

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By jayscalaro - 21/4/2019 20:00

Today, it's raining pretty hard and there are a bunch of puddles everywhere. I’m in a full rain suit and great boots, so instead of walking around the puddles, I decided to walk through the biggest one, only to drop down 4 feet, all because the city didn’t cover up a massive manhole. FML

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By StijnDescamps - 13/8/2019 16:00

Today, for the very first time, I invited my girlfriend's parents for dinner. I bought a pre-made oven dish, just to be sure nothing could go wrong. Once at the table, her mother asked pointedly who forgot to remove the plastic foil before putting it in the oven. FML

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By Username - 10/7/2012 15:27 - United States

Today, I got mugged in broad daylight, in a park, by a teenage girl. To top it off, I'm a grown man. FML

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By quickfingers100 - 1/6/2011 16:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

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Top comments

By PlasticShark | 0

#74551 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:31

YDI for even wanting to pat the belly in the first place... that's just... disturbing... =

By sarah8909 | 0

#74545 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:30

So the jewels were sticking out where you were patting or you just didn't bother looking and decided to pat him in that general area? YDI

COMMENTS

By sarah8909 | 0

#74545 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:30

So the jewels were sticking out where you were patting or you just didn't bother looking and decided to pat him in that general area? YDI

Reply

rwac07 | 0

#964806 - Saturday 20 March 2010 7:36

WTF was he awake? 0_0

Reply

hwkfan1 | 10

#974329 - Monday 5 April 2010 8:40

the apple never falls far from the tree lolz

Reply

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1004209 - Sunday 23 May 2010 19:55

YDI. fourth!! :D

Reply

MiGman | 5

#1033228 - Thursday 17 June 2010 5:16

op that was a huge ass fail

Reply

iEnvade | 2

#2559874 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 3:15

162 - It does not make you forth by commenting on the first comment simply to get your comment to the top.. you're still one hundred sixty second. Nice try.

Reply

turkishjew | 0

#2903627 - Saturday 16 July 2011 6:04

and now you're scared for life

Reply

Bravo11 | 14

#2997731 - Saturday 30 July 2011 2:02

Why'd he let you pat twice?...o.O

Reply

ManlyDunsparce | 3

#3938587 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 2:09

182- she went back for seconds.

By PlasticShark | 0

#74551 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:31

YDI for even wanting to pat the belly in the first place... that's just... disturbing... =

Reply

spankos | 1

#1131334 - Saturday 24 July 2010 2:40

maybe the dads a buddha.

Reply

supersitter | 11

#5949789 - Monday 19 May 2014 6:15

#165, you read my mind

By Scars_fml | 4

#74553 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:32

Was it hard?

Reply

btnhdude | 0

#3137314 - Friday 19 August 2011 6:06

I'll tell you what's hard...

my fists,

hitting your face.

Reply

esines | 9

#4385209 - Thursday 3 May 2012 3:47

I hope his balls weren't hard

By reset_button | 0

#74557 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:32

Did he reciprocate?

By vxjazz | 0

#74562 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:36

Yuk.

Reply

cdatribe23 | 0

#2238536 - Friday 25 March 2011 7:35

this made me 'ewwww' out loud.

Reply

teenagedream13 | 1

#2661718 - Saturday 11 June 2011 17:45

Haha me too!

Reply

hanacurse | 11

#5450117 - Monday 15 April 2013 19:54

**Yuck.

By hpnerd | 0

#74563 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:36

You're completely creepy for doing that in the first place. YDI completely.

Who pats their father's bare stomach?

Reply

breadfuck | 0

#2727144 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 3:27

I do

Reply

btnhdude | 0

#3137318 - Friday 19 August 2011 6:08

awesome daughters do,
you boring hamster.

the balls were an accident though

Reply

blondbrunette916 | 0

#4094196 - Monday 27 February 2012 3:45

nobody said anything about it being bare

By marz88 | 0

#74564 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:37

How the hell can you not notice the difference?

By vxjazz | 0

#74568 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:38

#8- You are SCARY!

By Yayap_fml | 0

#74572 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:43

Um, go back to the part where you pat your father's fat... That's... weird...

By blb1989 | 0

#74585 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:54

Today, I rewarded my father for having a huge bulge by smacking his junk around a bit. FML