Love: Today, my dad told me someday I'll find a man who wants a nice...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 390

You deserved it 104

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 160

You deserved it 1 356

17/10/2014 08:14

Today, my dad told me someday I'll find a man who wants a nice lumberjack for a wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 004

You deserved it 3 686

Love

Commando

One-handed typing

Pica?

13/12/2010 04:19

Today, after months of job searching I got a job interview. I also later got a phone call from the manager informing me they burned down, and all current employees will be relocated or dismissed, and that my interview, scheduled for tomorrow, is postponed indefinitely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 653

You deserved it 2 245

Bricked

By Anonymous - 13/03/2021 14:01

Today, I blew out the dust from my GPU, and when I went to reinstall it, it turned out that I had inadvertently shorted something and now it's dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 199

15/02/2016 02:36

Today, after having my husband ask if I 'had any plans' for the weekend, and him mentioning that he got me something special, he played his PS4 for hours, ignored me, then finally took a break to hand me a tiny box of chocolates. I can't even be mad because he looked so proud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 928

You deserved it 3 121

07/02/2010 06:12

Today, I realized after sending out countless copies of my resume to companies, I failed to add my phone number on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 219

You deserved it 31 658

30/09/2011 15:12

Today, my roommate was packing up her kitchen stuff as she prepared to move out. Apparently that includes the majority of things I bought last week to replace all of her stuff she is taking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 323

You deserved it 2 988

22/05/2011 19:50

Today, I spent an hour setting up a delicate display stand at work. Not five minutes later, a woman barged in with her little kid, who immediately went up to the display and tipped the whole thing over. When I called attention to the mother, she just scoffed, "Isn't this your job?" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 570

You deserved it 3 244

25/02/2012 04:18

Today, my parents dragged me along to a family soccer game. I got so bored watching a bunch of grown men practically buttfucking each other between kicking balls around the field, that I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to an empty field and had to walk five miles back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 557

You deserved it 31 110

03/02/2015 19:03

Today, somebody poured a cup of coffee down the back of my shirt. When I turned around, I saw a man who said, "You looked like my ex from behind!" and ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 085

You deserved it 2 178

30/03/2013 18:17

Today, my dad yet again uttered the words "well, that escalated quickly," while watching the news. He uses this godforsaken meme multiple times a day. I lost my shit and told him to just shut up already. He raised an eyebrow and said, "well, that escalated quickly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 468

You deserved it 55 425

30/10/2009 05:08

Today, when going to fill up the kettle, I noticed a bad smell and pieces of something coming out of the tap. Turns out there was a dead snake in my water supply. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 564

You deserved it 2 154

11/07/2009 05:06

Today, my visiting cousin was driving me to pick-up and pay for my wedding cake at the bakery. The cops pulled him over for speeding and as it turns out his license was expired. I ended up having to use my wedding cake money to bail him out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 084

You deserved it 3 476

12/06/2013 17:33

Today, I was walking to the gym when the woman in front of me dropped some cash. I picked it up and tried to get her attention. She saw the money and thought I was trying to pay her to sleep with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 906

You deserved it 4 469

10/02/2017 08:00

Today, while using the restroom at my favorite cafe, I fell asleep for 30 minutes. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons viciously breaking down the only barrier between between you and your shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 178

You deserved it 2 422

03/04/2012 00:32

Today, while at a store, my stuttering problem became so bad the poor store clerk had to supply my own words for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 584

You deserved it 2 052

05/05/2017 02:00

Today, I had to pick up my brother and his girlfriend from the bar at 2:00am because they were too drunk to drive themselves and had no money for an Uber. Five minutes into the ride, they started going at it in the back of my new car. I don't think I'll be doing favors again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 376

You deserved it 506

26/08/2013 01:28

Today, I got screamed at by a woman at work for feeding her 3-week-old infant formula instead of the bottled Kool-Aid that she packed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 259

You deserved it 3 404

20/06/2009 05:28

Today, my insomnia started back up again. It was too late to get something to help me sleep so I was lying there wondering what I should do. I decided to listen to some ambient music. It helped a lot, but when I was about to fall asleep my parents decided to start doing 'it'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 975

You deserved it 2 882

01/02/2010 19:29

Today, I was giving a class presentation, when I suddenly sneezed so hard I wet myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 820

You deserved it 4 099

22/06/2010 00:27

Today, I finally met the guy I've been talking to online for a year. I'd dropped 10lbs off my weight. He'd shaved 20 years off his age. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 854

You deserved it 38 867

17/04/2015 21:47

Today, I coughed so hard that I fractured two ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 434

You deserved it 2 789

31/10/2013 02:59

Today, some kid asked me if I was Mexican. After I explained to him that I was actually Venezuelan, he simply snorted and said, "That's the same f*cking thing. If you speak Spanish then you're Mexican." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 369

You deserved it 5 863

26/01/2015 01:41

Today, I went to work with a great attitude, something that doesn't happen often. It was shortly ruined after some lady yelled at me because I accidentally shorted her one penny. Yep. One single penny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 184

You deserved it 3 876

23/01/2018 19:00

Today, my coworker was supposed to pick me up to go to a work event as my car is broken. I waited 3 hours and he never showed. After he arrived late to the event due to traffic, he told my boss that he waited for me and I never came out. Guess who's unemployed now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 179

You deserved it 367

RAWK N ROLL!!!

By stagedivefail - 19/08/2009 14:36

Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 841

You deserved it 59 575

18/09/2009 01:36

Today, I finally told my fiancé about the crippling sexual abuse I suffered through as a child. He immediately broke off the wedding. His reason? He can't marry someone who isn't "pure". FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 566

You deserved it 4 875

14/08/2010 20:43

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard she pissed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 559

You deserved it 20 331

31/03/2013 07:00

Today, the people fixing my phone called to say that for some reason, my phone's SIM card has wiped all my contacts except for four, and they are doing their best to try and recover the rest. I had to explain to them that I only had four contacts to begin with. The guy laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 514

You deserved it 5 717

15/03/2014 21:48

Today, I followed my wife out, since she's been acting strangely lately and I was suspicious. She met up with a guy at a restaurant, who she later claimed was her brother. Either she's cheating on me, or it's tradition in her family to make out and grope each other at the end of meals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 335

You deserved it 4 834

07/12/2011 17:47

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky. He pulled off my panties and was about to go down on me when he said, "Wait, what's this white thing?" It was a piece of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 766

You deserved it 20 596

13/02/2015 17:33

Today, my husband fell asleep while cuddling. I didn't want to wake him, so I lay there for ages, trying to fall asleep. Just as I finally dozed off, my leg uncontrollably jerked and hit him in the nuts. He's convinced I did it deliberately as revenge for an argument we had 5 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 983

You deserved it 3 508

05/10/2009 04:16

Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 893

You deserved it 39 930

28/05/2011 00:56

Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 099

You deserved it 53 806

23/10/2016 05:05

Today, I woke up 2 hours early to go to the physical therapist my doctor referred me to. She did confirm physical therapy will help, but she doesn't treat my issue. She’s also the only person in my city who takes my insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 476

You deserved it 617

10/04/2013 17:41

Today, after my shift at the hospital ended, I happened to look into a full-length mirror. My new scrubs turned out to be see-through. Instead of my undies, everyone got a good look at my cellulite-ridden ass. Fan-fucking-tastic day to wear a thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 508

You deserved it 18 487

13/04/2012 22:40

Today, after two years of vigorously fundraising on behalf of my senior class, they voted on spending the senior trip money at a waterpark. It's less than thirty minutes from where we all live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 842

You deserved it 2 885

23/11/2010 20:53

Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers accidentally brushed. He gave me a creepy wink and a smile, but I ignored it. He's now been sitting in the store for two hours watching me. Only 4 hours to go until I get off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 760

You deserved it 2 463

Extreme phobias

By Calimero0 - 11/08/2020 17:02

Today, it's 30 degrees Celsius in my bedroom, but I need to stay completely under the covers, because even though I live on the other side of the world, I can't stop thinking about Australian huntsman spiders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 942

09/03/2015 01:05

Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room watching Netflix, I found out that my window has an excellent view of my new neighbors, who just so happen to like to shag with the blinds open. I guess I'll be buying some curtains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 892

You deserved it 3 662

26/01/2009 02:51

Today, while I was babysitting my nephews, the 7 year old boy walked up to me and asked if I was a lesbian. I laughed it off. An argument ensued about my sexuality for a good two hours. I lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 758

You deserved it 4 406

23/08/2019 00:01

Today, I spent five hours in the back seat of a car with two dogs. Both had been sprayed by a skunk earlier in the day. One had a gas problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 654

You deserved it 184

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Top comments

philipino 24

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Friday 17 October 2014 16:48

And then you can treat his wood for him ;)

philipino 24

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Friday 17 October 2014 17:07

Or she can cut their dicks off or whatever it's her choice I guess

Comments

philipino 24

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Friday 17 October 2014 16:48

And then you can treat his wood for him ;)

Welshite 39

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Friday 17 October 2014 16:50

You realize lumberjacks chop trees right? "Treating" his wood is possibly the last thing any sane male wants.

philipino 24

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Friday 17 October 2014 17:07

Or she can cut their dicks off or whatever it's her choice I guess

euphoricness 28

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Friday 17 October 2014 18:33

Don't forget the mayonnaise

brand125 17

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Friday 17 October 2014 18:41

5 - no wayyyyyy

kyu_Q 19

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Friday 17 October 2014 21:41

I'm with #1 on this. lumberjacks know how to handle good wood.

False_Stupidity 41

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Friday 17 October 2014 22:06

Knowing how to handle good wood is one thing #40 but its more important if she knows how to handle wood good!

incoherentrmblr 21

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Saturday 18 October 2014 6:40

How much wood can a Wood Chuck chuck if a Wood Chuck could Chuck Norris?...

omnia 5

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Saturday 18 October 2014 19:55

If you do indeed treat his wood right with any luck he will axe you to marry him! I'll show myself out.

diving_fml 30

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Friday 17 October 2014 16:48

at least he knows you'll find someone

sayyestothedress 24

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Saturday 18 October 2014 14:29

How much could a wood chuck wood if a wood chuck could chuck wood

devildog562 33

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Friday 17 October 2014 16:49

Hope she doesn't chop your wood down.

InsanePPG 25

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Friday 17 October 2014 16:52

She's a lumberjack and she's okay, she sleeps all night and she works all day.

kaablam 17

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Friday 17 October 2014 19:27

She chops down trees, she wears high heels.

gharra5 15

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Friday 17 October 2014 20:16

Suspenders and a bra!

tony1891 22

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Friday 17 October 2014 16:52

so i married an axe murderer?

laden_swallow09 34

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Friday 17 October 2014 16:55

"I put on women's clothing / And hang around in bars."

siggy_mcsigx 22

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Friday 17 October 2014 17:00

Who needs outdated gender roles anyway

jschwandt 5

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Friday 17 October 2014 17:00

Well at least he doesn't assume that you're a lesbian

Scarylizard1798 23

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Friday 17 October 2014 17:01

Wears a red flannel wedding gown

gracehi 31

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Friday 17 October 2014 17:10

Because you are one awesome-in-shape-strong-stereotype-shattering-glass-ceiling-busting girl, right? :)

vaderismyfriend 27

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Friday 17 October 2014 17:42

I sang that in Phineas and Ferbs' "truck-driving-girl" tune