Today, my dad texted me and told me "I love u." I answer back...

By thatonekid - 6/5/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, my dad texted me and told me "I love u." I answer back with "I love you too dad...are you drunk?" and he answers back "Of course I am..." My dad only tells me he loves me when he's drunk. FML

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Love

Dangling modifier

Rock, hard place

Billy no-mates

By sofked - 9/10/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three floors down from me slashed her tires for breaking up with him. He also, for good measure, slashed the tires of the person parked to the left and right of her. I was parked to the right of her. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2015 15:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was supposed to start my vacation in Italy. I guess not everyone heard that I canceled it due to health problems, because this morning I caught two of my "friends" unplugging my TV after breaking into my house. FML

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By Heyme - 9/12/2008 13:50 - France

Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I crunched my pen and crushed my chocolate-filled pastry on my exercise book. FML

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By Mixta - 3/1/2015 04:45 - France - Roubaix

Today, my best friend showed me his New Year's Eve photos. Girls everywhere, booze flowing all over the place and all my friends were there. They still haven't realised that they didn't invite me. We've been friends for seven years. FML

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By madeyoulaugh - 25/11/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, I was watching my 7 year old daughter and her friend jump on our trampoline. I was really impressed by all the flips they were doing, and I told her "Hey! I can't even do that." To that her friend replied " Of course you can't. You're fat!" FML

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By sadstorylifee - 26/11/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I had to admit to my parents that the reason I don't want a sixteenth birthday party isn't because I'm being spoiled and I expected my parents to take me on a lavish vacation, but because I don't have any friends to invite. FML

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By fishingforubies2 - 24/7/2015 14:02 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

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By Loud - 8/9/2016 06:07 - Australia

Today, at work, I needed to fart and thought it would be fast and silent, so I let it rip. I was wrong. Everyone turned around and looked at me as my fart rolled on for a good 10 seconds. The worst part, I screamed, "It wasn't me!" while I was still farting. FML

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By blue - 8/9/2011 08:23 - United States

Today, I was put on notice at work due to my "anger problem." Apparently, sighing in a meeting means you will be labeled as someone with a short temper. However the creepy stalker guy is on the fast track to management. FML

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By soontobemurder - 3/5/2017 18:00

Today, my boss took back my week off because he wants to take a spontaneous Caribbean vacation with his wife, which is "clearly more important" than what I was going to do. I needed that time off so I could be with my Dad in hospice. FML

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By dad - 3/3/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year old daughter from her room texts me, "Stop." FML

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By kdgirl - 21/9/2010 03:02 - United States

Today, my Grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I better start praying for a husband. FML

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By Criminal - 13/7/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket. I wrote a check, and on the way to deposit my fine, I got another one. I put both fines in a box down town, and I turned around to see a cop putting a parking ticket under my wind-shield wiper. FML

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By Kramer - 16/2/2012 12:49 - Canada

Today, I found out that driving for 2 weeks on 3/4 of a tank doesn't mean my truck magically got more efficient, it means my gas gauge is broken. FML

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By Michelle C - 26/1/2009 03:44 - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man asking for money for food. Not wanting to give him money so he'd spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full big mac meal from McDonalds. When I went to hand it to him, he quickly waved his hand, denying it saying, "Thanks but I'm a vegetarian". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2015 05:56 - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, I got up to get some water. When I stood up, I fell straight to the ground, my legs were so weak. As I fell, I hit my head on the end table and knocked myself unconscious. My boyfriend laughed at me. FML

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By dragonstooth257 - 21/6/2019 06:14

Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up a job interview, I weirded the lady out so much that she trailed off when talking about emailing me a time. This took 2 minutes to achieve. A new record. I still haven't got an email. FML

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By evomadrid24 - 2/6/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and two others got to watch 130 guys take a piss, and then leave work two hours later than everyone else. FML

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By BYUwildchild - 17/12/2010 16:23 - United States

Today, I realized that the fish-shaped birth mark on the back of my leg, that I have had all my life, is not really shaped like a fish as I had originally thought. It looks just like a penis. FML

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By anonymous - 26/3/2015 03:43 - United States

Today, I slept through my alarm because it was drowned out by humming. My humming, in my sleep. Even my body is against me waking up on time. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2014 18:24 - United States - White Plains

Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer." I'm a guidance counselor. FML

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By im_radd - 21/1/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office, I thought I'd be sexy and flash my boyfriend. Forgetting that my iPhone was in the front pocket of my hoodie, I lifted it quickly and hit myself in the mouth. Now I have a fat bloody lip and a boyfriend who can't stop laughing. FML

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By hard - 9/8/2010 07:07 - Canada

Today, I was at the grocery store and this hot guy was staring at my ass, so I smiled at him. My mother noticed he was checking my ass out, and she approached him and said "I know she has a big ass, but it's rude to stare, son." FML

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By Username - 24/6/2011 22:11 - United States

Today, I found out that when my room-mate agreed to babysit someone's two year old kid for money, what he really planned on doing was dumping it with me. The kid won't stop crying and screaming. FML

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By AdriBAMF - 17/10/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I got asked to Homecoming by the person I really like. I said yes and I was really excited. But my best friend who has liked me since the 6th grade wasn't. He went and broke my date's jaw. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2012 07:23 - United States

Today, while at work, a customer gave me a $20 tip. I explained to him we aren't allowed to accept tips, but he insisted. When I called the manager to report it, he pocketed my tip. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 13:20 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend, who is supposed to protect me from murderers and rapists, had an emotional breakdown because he was so excited that I'd cooked french fries for dinner. FML

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By hell! - 2/12/2008 08:27 - France

Today, I discovered that my 15 year old girl had hidden a disgusting porn film in the "future career" folder. FML

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By slickrick22 - 27/2/2012 02:43 - United States

Today, I had a dream about the damn cappuccino machine at work. FML

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By StarWarsGeek - 21/11/2013 06:00 - United States

Today, I met a fellow Star Wars fan. We began enthusiastically talking about how almost no one our age knows the good old classics anymore. I was referring to the original trilogy; she was talking about the ones with Jar Jar Binks. FML

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By whipplewhip - 30/6/2013 04:21 - United States

Today, my husband and I were at the mall, and decided to have a snack at the food court. As we ate, an obese woman squeezed past our table, butt facing us. Just when her ass-cheeks slid past our heads, she let out a horrific fart that my father would be proud of. FML

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By John_Elvis - 9/4/2016 03:30 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I took a girl to a sushi restaurant for our first date. She insisted she's had sushi before, but I had to watch her struggle with the chopsticks for a few minutes before mercifully asking the waitress for a fork. She then ate a fork full of wasabi, thinking it was guacamole. I think there won't be a second date. FML

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By Jessica - 27/12/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend won $1,000 in a photography contest. With a photo I took. FML

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By Username - 18/10/2010 12:03 - France

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had cheated on me with a minor. She is claiming rape and going to put him in jail. He asked me to help him pay for his attorney. FML

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By Leigha - 2/1/2012 02:14 - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, I found out that if you see a tray with some black stuff in it and you can't decide whether it's powdered black pepper or cigarette ashes, it's not a good idea to taste it. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2013 04:39 - United States - Cleveland

Today, at the supermarket, a man collapsed. I gave CPR while the cashier called for help. During this, the other patrons were complaining that no other register was open. Once the ambulance arrived, I returned to my cart to find items removed and 40 dollars taken from my purse. FML

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By the next james herriot - 10/9/2013 23:30 - United States - Laurel

Today, I found out my extremely anti-war relatives hate me because they think I served in the Army, after hearing I was "a vet". I'm a veterinarian. FML

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By doughgirl101 - 7/9/2011 05:59 - Canada

Today, my parents canceled the Internet at our house because they view it as a "passing fad." FML

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By cargaljen - 7/8/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, while watching tv at my mother's house, a tornado warning came across the screen. After being in the dark nasty basement for half an hour, my mom realizes she was watching a recorded show, and that tornado warning was for 2 weeks ago. FML

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By TheStroker - 1/6/2019 06:03

Today, I was cleaning off a carrot by rubbing it up and down under the tap over the sink. My 13-year-old son comes in and says, "Mom, you could get a job doing that." I told him that a carrot cleaner wouldn't make much money. He says, "I wasn't talking about carrots." FML

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Top comments

By Shrtpixy | 0

#175667 - Thursday 7 May 2009 2:32

People usually tells the truth when intoxicated.......USUALLY! so don't take it hard.

By dammn | 0

#175657 - Thursday 7 May 2009 2:31

awwwww :(

COMMENTS

By fishbowl | 0

#175656 - Thursday 7 May 2009 2:31

wow that sucks

nadsm | 0

#874973 - Saturday 20 February 2010 9:19

Fake. well, maybe not fake, but REPEAT for sure. I read this in the 400's yesterday. Fail.

maddieguinn | 0

#985278 - Monday 26 April 2010 21:42

u have no life #146

blanquito | 1

#4429577 - Sunday 13 May 2012 17:03

It's not an FML.. Drunken words are sober thoughts

daner10 | 5

#4640154 - Monday 2 July 2012 6:16

Drunk Words are sober thoughts... :)

Vagitarian1 | 10

#5844796 - Friday 31 January 2014 14:44

When people are drunk, they lose their inhibitions. This causes them to do and say things they normally repress. I would say your father truly loves you. He just has a hard time saying it when he's sober for whatever reason.

By dammn | 0

#175657 - Thursday 7 May 2009 2:31

awwwww :(

By Rephidim777 | 0

#175659 - Thursday 7 May 2009 2:31

ouch

By Username_1000 | 0

#175665 - Thursday 7 May 2009 2:32

ouch that hurts

By Shrtpixy | 0

#175667 - Thursday 7 May 2009 2:32

People usually tells the truth when intoxicated.......USUALLY! so don't take it hard.

By nautilus_fml | 0

#175673 - Thursday 7 May 2009 2:33

just like the pet shop boys song "you only tell me you love me when you're drunk"

By jj732 | 0

#175675 - Thursday 7 May 2009 2:34

hey, at least he tells you he loves you at all =(

By fretforyerlatte | 0

#175677 - Thursday 7 May 2009 2:34

at least he's not drunk dialing you telling you you're a horrible bitch or a disappointment or something...

still gotta be hard to have a parent with a drinking problem. :(

By ManganeseDream | 0

#175680 - Thursday 7 May 2009 2:34

Doesn't mean he doesn't love you just because he has to get drunk/high to express his feelings.

And shame on you for acting like a bitch to your dad about a little alcohol.

...unless he's a total alcy fuckup, then FYL.

By DanceRox9008 | 0

#175684 - Thursday 7 May 2009 2:35

haha this is like that 70s show when red tells eric he loves him, just because hes high on meds making him loopy. LOL this is so funny. and its not really an FML though because you know he does love you at least!

lakerfan8224 | 17

#3629232 - Thursday 24 November 2011 9:16

That 70's show ftw!