Miscellaneous: Today, my dad made a voodoo doll out of a melon. This seems to... - FML

By Anonymous - 09/01/2013 07:02 - Israel

Today, my dad made a voodoo doll out of a melon. This seems to happen a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 514

You deserved it 2 741

The smell detective is on the case

Age difference

Deception

By worriedman - 03/07/2015 15:52 - United States - Chicago

Today, my girlfriend told me that once you love somebody you can never truly fall "out of love" with them. She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 009

You deserved it 2 126

By Anon - 11/09/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, while at work I passed out due to my blood sugar not being normal. Despite the fact that it took 10 minutes to wake me, no one thought I was in any sort of danger. After the episode, I then got fired for "sleeping on the job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 131

You deserved it 2 940

By Jesse from - 03/08/2010 10:21 - United States

Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 226

You deserved it 38 898

By Fish - 07/04/2017 02:00

Today, following the advice of not putting my wallet in my back pocket, I put my wallet in my jacket's chest pocket. I lost my jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 510

You deserved it 1 478

By whoababy55 - 21/08/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, at around 1 am, my boyfriend drunk-dialed and broke up with me. He didn't seem to remember he had already broken up with me yesterday. Thanks for reminding me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 372

You deserved it 2 624

Love is in the air

By Rydia - 31/10/2020 05:01

Today, my fiancé hugged me so tight that I couldn't move, said he loved me, let out a loud, obnoxious and smelly fart cloud and made me breathe it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 904

You deserved it 173

By Anonymous - 12/02/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again. But I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out". My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 250

You deserved it 4 734

By supergingerr11 - 09/07/2011 05:55 - United States

Today, I was supposed to have a double date. My date didn't show. I spent my day in the living room waiting for the pizza guy while my best friend and her boyfriend made out. The pizza guy never showed either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 483

You deserved it 3 043

By lynn - 22/06/2012 16:14 - Australia - Bongaree

Today, my new roommate woke me up at noon to bitch about my "selfish sleeping habits" and how they ruin her ability to invite anyone over. I work the graveyard shift at the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 234

You deserved it 2 084

By josh - 23/01/2009 12:33 - United States

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to my ex. This afternoon I notice that they had accepted, and had left a message for me in my inbox. Asking how they knew me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 562

You deserved it 4 086

By shellie - 13/01/2012 07:48 - Reserved

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 577

You deserved it 4 329

By Anonymous - 26/09/2015 02:36 - Australia

Today, after my second date with an otherwise charming guy, he called me a whore for turning him down for sex. Yeah, I'm trying to work out the logic of that too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 570

You deserved it 1 824

By Anonymous - 11/11/2014 18:56 - United States - Dekalb

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find my dad passed out on the floor with his pants around his ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 021

You deserved it 3 047

By some things never change - 28/11/2012 23:04 - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, after almost four years of having avoided her due to her hatred of my husband, my mother invited us both to a family dinner. My husband wanted to give her another chance, so we went. Less than an hour after arriving, I caught her hocking a loogie and spitting it into our food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 432

You deserved it 1 965

By Anonymous - 29/08/2019 14:00 - Canada

Today, my brother spent the whole day making a harpoon out of an old Tiki torch to bring on vacation with us to Sauble Beach, and he plans on using this contraption. On the beach. With all of us there to watch. He's 17 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 212

You deserved it 184

Fight Club for Dummies

By Jeff - 23/05/2019 22:21

Today, my boyfriend and I were play fighting. He said, "I should stop trying to hurt you," before punching me in the face. I lost a tooth. He found it hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 909

You deserved it 244

The precious truck

By Anonymous - 05/09/2021 11:00

Today, I got fired because, while responding to an emergency page for the volunteer fire department to help find a man in a field with a gunshot wound, I backed into a rock with the company truck that I drive to and from work. Nobody asked about the guy with the bullet inside him. He's OK now, in case anyone cares. FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 133

By Stormbringer - 01/02/2011 06:37

Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while I was asleep. I also just recently painted my entire house yellow. Yellow doesn't cover up black penis very well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 376

You deserved it 4 103

By Rmglrsm - 23/06/2016 02:21

Today, at work, I was helping someone who really sounded like she had a Boston accent. So, I asked her where she was from. She has never been out of state. Turns out she has a speech impediment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 896

You deserved it 1 751

By LifeSucks - 29/10/2008 11:57 - Canada

Today, as I was taking my three year old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 488

You deserved it 3 958

By meh - 18/01/2012 05:21 - Canada

Today, my teacher, who's Irish, called me insensitive and stupid for imitating her accent. I'm Filipino and my parents immigrated to Ireland where I was born, and then we moved to Canada when I was 14. Her response to my explanation? "Bullshit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 072

You deserved it 3 024

By silvernights21 - 05/01/2012 23:40 - United States

Today, as I was finishing running a mile, my entire class begun to cheer me on. I felt happy since I don't have many friends. Only when I got closer did I realize that they were cheering for the girl behind me, and in fact, not one person was cheering for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 746

You deserved it 2 954

Tsk Tsk

By whatiswrongwiththeworld - 14/07/2017 13:01

Today, I was told off by a random woman who said that I should be ashamed of myself for dating such an older man. I was having dinner with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 812

You deserved it 276

By porn daddy - 21/06/2017 00:00

Spicy

Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 960

You deserved it 431

Gas giant

By morgan - 09/04/2021 23:00

Today, while laying in bed, I let out a huge fart. I then heard my roommate yell from outside my room, "Did you think you were alone?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 256

By brokeandsingle - 29/01/2012 09:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally made the last payment on the beautiful engagement ring I bought and proposed with - two years ago. To my ex-girlfriend, who said no and promptly started sleeping with one of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 355

You deserved it 3 162

By Deety - 18/01/2017 08:11

Today, my psychologist broke up with me, professionally. It's alright though, she told me it's her, not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 061

You deserved it 785

By Anonymous - 30/01/2015 17:41 - Canada

Today, my young daughter came up to me, grabbed my face and said, "I'm putting you in the garbage." When I laughed and asked why, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "You are trash." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 553

You deserved it 3 879

Science teacher

By Anonymous - 13/01/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 623

You deserved it 220

By copmagnet - 15/10/2010 00:43 - United States

Today, I got a $200 bonus at work and was super excited about getting a plane ticket to see my family. On the way back from work I got a $300 speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 481

You deserved it 43 350

By BadGuyLuck - 25/02/2012 06:33 - United States

Today, I got asked out for the second time in my life. Since my first date didn't go so well I thought I might have better luck with a different guy. I had to end the date when he confessed it was his destiny to kill his father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 900

You deserved it 2 789

By Infadel - 22/07/2014 21:55 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 771

You deserved it 10 485

By UghDude - 06/09/2014 13:35 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 164

You deserved it 3 264

By sorejecteditmakesmewannacry - 29/08/2013 10:44 - France - Poissy

Today, I asked a cute guy for his number but instead he gave it to my gay friend. When my friend later called him, it turned out that he'd given him his number just to get rid of me and wasn't expecting him to call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 101

You deserved it 3 791

By yeahno - 31/10/2010 16:10 - United States

Today, I wore my high school letterman jacket while I was out shopping. A man saw me and muttered to his wife about how sad it is some adults can't grow up and continue to wear their high school paraphernalia, constantly trying to relive their senior year. I am a senior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 752

You deserved it 2 995

By iceman123432 - 02/09/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, when we were at wrestling practice, we had to bend over to stretch. When I bent down, I noticed a car on the street stopped. There was a sixty year old man watching us. He then licked his lips and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 063

You deserved it 4 221

By obsceene - 18/10/2010 10:49 - United States

Today, it was wacky tacky day at my school. I did not participate, however, I did get voted the tackiest outfit in my school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 026

You deserved it 8 355

By anonymous - 16/01/2012 19:55 - United States

Today, I came out to my father. He seemed to be totally okay with it, as long as I'm the "man" in my relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 225

You deserved it 9 220

By Anonymous - 16/03/2013 06:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when my upstairs neighbor decided to take the longest piss known to man. He moaned the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 561

You deserved it 4 817

By horny and alone - 04/11/2018 03:00

Today, I went home with my cute coworker. What started out as a little dirty talk and teasing ended with him admitting he was in a terrible emotional place and sending me home in an Uber so he could sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 654

You deserved it 381

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Top comments

ManInTheMachine 19

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:15

He practicing for when you start dating, if you haven't already. It'll finally explain why your dates are so uncomfortable. And it's better than a weapon threat. Your dad is a genius!

123man 11

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:17

Maybe he just wants to use it so that you can't elope.

Comments

ManInTheMachine 19

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:15

He practicing for when you start dating, if you haven't already. It'll finally explain why your dates are so uncomfortable. And it's better than a weapon threat. Your dad is a genius!

ManInTheMachine 19

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:21

*He's

BulldogHoops 14

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:16

Your father is a fucked up soul.

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 17:13

I practice voodoo and have an upside down cross am I a fucked up soul?:O

obnum 19

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 17:17

Yes. :)

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 17:32

O thank Beelzebub! I thought I was normal!:D

windfuelsfire 10

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 17:45

Nothing wrong with magic here and there

TheDragonsGuard 19

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:16

Strange. Maybe help him out with one and try learning his motivation for making them in the process.

infamous1212 10

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 17:09

I don't understand why this is getting down voted, it makes perfect sense. If you helped out then perhaps he would share his thoughts on why he makes them. Pretty good idea in my opinion.

FirstTigerHobbes 13

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:17

Witchcraft has never been so tasty!

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 17:57

Witchcraft, ("Wicka") is not the same as Voodoo.

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 23:56

All belief systems are similar to varying degrees. This doesn't mean voodoo and witchcraft can be used interchangeably any more than one could call Hinduism Islam or a Democrat a Republican.

123man 11

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:17

Maybe he just wants to use it so that you can't elope.

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:33

Subtle, I can't believe I almost missed that. Op, honey, dew you think you can show some appreciation? Your dad is just trying to protect you!

Tupelo_Honey 30

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:50

Haha...I almost missed it too! Good reply, too.

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:17

Eat it

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:22

That's what she said.

abu4u 26

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:18

When life hands you melon... Make voodoo dol... Oh wait no. Nevermind!

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:47

What?

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 17:19

I thought it was funny.

DawnShadow_fml 5

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:19

You should just hope they aren't meant to be you!

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 20:45

Good thing they don't actually work... That'd be scary

cd8919 12

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:19

He's just trying to make friends for his other fruit dolls

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Wednesday 9 January 2013 16:19

Well don't piss him off and he won't pretend the melon is you!

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 5

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 1 320

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 181