Miscellaneous: Today, my dad had a little too much to drink. When he's that... - FML

By yeah why not - Norway

Today, my dad had a little too much to drink. When he's that drunk, he likes to pepper me with a lot of random questions. He asked if I've ever tried hard drugs, and if I want to die. I answered no to both of the questions, and he demanded to know why not. FML

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Commando

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By GhillieSuitsnBiscuits - United States - Portland

Today, I had a lady come up to me in a store just to tell me how bad my acne was and what remedies I should use. I got so embarrassed, all I could say was, "OK" and, "Thank you" until she left me alone. FML

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By howrude - Canada

Today, my friends took me out to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate my promotion, we ordered everything with expensive drinks too. They 'took a smoke break' and left me with the bill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

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By Iknowhowtoraisethem - United States - Woodridge

Today, my 25-year-old daughter, who normally doesn't drive, was out using the family car when she came back annoyed and emotional over the "stupid" cars heating being broken. She said no matter how high she turned it up it was still blowing cold air. I checked and it was set to A/C the entire time. FML

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By baconistasty27 - United States - San Diego

Today, I spent my afternoon rummaging through old jeans and other pants, due to being broke and needing cash for ramen. FML

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By ihatebadkids - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was uninvited from every family event henceforth, because I finally had it and told my sister that I can’t stand to be around her horribly misbehaved kids. They have screaming meltdown tantrums, throw and break things, start fights and steal. How am I the bad guy? FML

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By Upfront - United States - Denver

Today, I confronted my very passive-aggressive roommate about taking out the trash. With a smug smile, she insisted that I should write her a letter if I want to argue. FML

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By green and not with envy - Canada - Toronto

Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The officer was nice and let me off with just a warning. That is, until my dipshit brother yelled "Fucking pig!" out the window as the officer walked back to his car. FML

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By workaholic - United States - San Francisco

Today, I thought I'd finally finished the special project my boss gave me of changing the eligibility details on several hundred loans. My coworker later pointed out that the document was the same as it had been hours before, and that the changes I made hadn't saved at all. FML

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By shake666 - United States - Fremont

Today, I presented my assigned chapter for a book we're currently reading in my English class. I really like the book, so I've been reading ahead. When I summarized the chapter, I accidentally spoiled a major plot twist that was actually in the next chapter. FML

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By MoneyMike - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

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By funnnyyyyy -_- - Nepal - Kathmandu

RIP

Today, I was singing along to my favorite song when a giant bug flew into my mouth. I was so shocked I almost swallowed it. After I was done freaking out, my sister wanted to throw the bug a big funeral for its "heroic sacrifice" in shutting me up. FML

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By flying solo - United States

Today, my roomate took the toilet paper out of my bathroom. I went into his room to look for it, only to find a large wad of it balled up near his laptop and mouse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

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By teeth - United States

Today, I meant to forward an email to my friend mocking a coworker's email, but I hit "reply" instead of "forward". FML

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By abigiggles

Today, a spider came down from its web in front of my face. This would have been fine and I could have killed it easily if I wasn't in my car. Driving on the highway. I cried. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Heavy

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

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By Rothaar - United States

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

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By amythest - United Kingdom

Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina Jolie." I fear that social services may laugh at me if I tell them. FML

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By figures - United States

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 14:08 - Canada - Fort Frances

Living in another world

Today, I played The Sims just so I'd know what it was like to live alone, own a home, and have a well-paying job that didn't slowly kill me from the inside out. It was the happiest I've been in months. FML

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By Toolate

Today, after having gone off the pill a couple of weeks ago, I finally got my old friskiness back only to find part of a condom wrapper in my husband's pocket. Turns out he was impatient and went elsewhere. FML

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By megangubler - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML

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By poor - United States

Childish Gambino voice This is America

Today, my obnoxious neighbor once again bragged how much she gets from the government because she’s "too fat to work." Meanwhile, I had to start a gofundme after I couldn't afford dialysis from having to cut work hours so I could go to dialysis. FML

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By Noname - Australia

Today, after seeing a girl for a few weeks on and off I sent her a text to see if she wanted to go out the next saturday. Predictive text changed "go" to "in". So..."Why don't we in out on saturday?" She stopped calling me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while watching TV with my boyfriend, I was telling him that I wasn't looking forward to "getting older" and turning thirty in three days. Five minutes later, he said, "I never knew you had so much grey hair already" and then offered to help me dye them. FML

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By blububble412 - United States - Sierra Vista

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

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By Henry - United States

Today, I realized that the only food I have is four months' worth of nutrisystem food from when my parents went on the nutrisystem diet. I am not able to secure a job and buy my own food, so I have two choices: die of starvation or die of nasty nutrisystem food. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2020 20:00

After shower

Today, my sister snuck into the bathroom while I was in the shower (the locks broke) and took my clothes and towels. I came out and quickly went to my room. As I went in, my sister was sitting on my bed with two friends watching TV. I instantly covered up, but they saw everything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a cashier asked me if I would like to donate to breast cancer research. Since I have already made my donations this month, I politely declined. The cashier snorted and said, "Maybe you'll feel differently if someone you love got cancer." I'm a two-year survivor. FML

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By FMyJob - Australia - Ashfield

Today, despite having my 5-day-leave approved 2 months ago, my boss demanded I return to work in the middle of it. Why? She wants to go on a vacation and no one else is available at such short notice. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I went with my boyfriend to his church youth group for the first time. I found out a girl there likes him, when she decided to pull me off him while we were hugging, and take my place. FML

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By Krystyn Gareau - Canada

Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML

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By CivE - United States

Today, I started work as the head engineer for a big civil engineering project. I met the rest of my team, in particular the environmental engineer who I'll need to get along with the most. As it turns out, I took her virginity when we were freshmen in college. She still thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my husband and I had some bath time to ourselves. After having sex, he decided to put bath salts in my vagina to spice things up for the next round. It's been twenty minutes out of the bath and it still feels like there are pop rocks in my vagina. FML

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By fuckface moron - 20/6/2020 02:17

Face value

Today, it was was my first day back at work as an esthetician. My first client refused to remove her face mask so I could perform the service. She demanded I just do her forehead, and that she’d only pay a third of the price since she’s only getting that part done. I refused and was written up by management. FML

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By AnonymousAndSad - United States - Waukon

Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

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By disgustedgf - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML

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Top comments

By floozle702 | 7

#5438067 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:28

I wonder what he would have done if you said yes to both...

By DocBastard | 38

#5438114 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:38

I imagine your dad to be like Captain Oveur from "Airplane!":

"Do you like gladiator movies? Do you like when your dog grabs your leg and runs up and down? Ever seen a grown man naked?"

COMMENTS

By CreepInTheCorner | 11

#5438065 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:28

Well at least you know that you can do drugs now..

Reply

DudeEvil | 22

#5438158 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:53

What? She can do drugs and perhaps ruin her life because daddy approves?

Reply

182crazyking | 9

#5438374 - Sunday 7 April 2013 7:08

Jesus stop advising drug use

By floozle702 | 7

#5438067 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:28

I wonder what he would have done if you said yes to both...

Reply

HaneenDixon | 16

#5438165 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:59

I'd assume he'd either high five her or ask for some. Or maybe both.

By FlamingTacos | 7

#5438091 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:32

He wants you to be living like Larry

By hryffff | 11

#5438100 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:34

Did you show any signs of depression?

Reply

DragonPorn | 15

#6261503 - Monday 13 April 2015 15:44

I hate when people take shit so seriously. You're not taking a record breaking dump, chill.

By DocBastard | 38

#5438114 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:38

I imagine your dad to be like Captain Oveur from "Airplane!":

"Do you like gladiator movies? Do you like when your dog grabs your leg and runs up and down? Ever seen a grown man naked?"

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5438254 - Sunday 7 April 2013 4:55

"Surely you can't be serious." :P

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5438284 - Sunday 7 April 2013 5:19

^I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.

Reply

olpally | 32

#5438369 - Sunday 7 April 2013 7:02

This movie is on HBO channel right now! Lmao! :D

By EmilieAutumn | 7

#5438119 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:39

Seeing parents getting drunk in front of their kids makes me never want to drink.

Reply

generalasskicker | 12

#5439281 - Monday 8 April 2013 0:12

Why

By Xotoolyxo | 16

#5438129 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:41

What a lovely dad, I'm a bit jealous

By Bakarra | 22

#5438133 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:42

Yea c'mon guys lighten up on the dad! He just wants to know if OP would be down for a hangover status adventure that might involve one of them tragically dying...

By SaxophoneHero | 12

#5438149 - Sunday 7 April 2013 3:47

Eh, might as well do drugs. Then, when you get addicted, make him pay for rehab.

Reply

Blahshabadada | 10

#5438647 - Sunday 7 April 2013 13:05

Completely ruin your life because of something your drunk father said? Genius Idea! -.-

Reply

SaxophoneHero | 12

#5538377 - Monday 17 June 2013 4:46

Hey, you can meet some quality people in rehab!

By Silly_Lilly6969 | 23

#5438177 - Sunday 7 April 2013 4:06

Haha sounds like something my mom would do