Intimacy: Today, my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a...

By Grossed Out - Australia

Today, my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a Brazillian wax. If that's not bad enough, my mother heard and yelled from the other room, "I like my furball." FML

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Intimacy

Coherence dude, do you have it?

The smell detective is on the case

Or does he?

By I Heart My Cats and Dogs

Pet Store Madness

Today, I was filling out an application for a job at a local pet store. At the end of it, they wanted a paragraph about any pets I had. After a while, I found myself finishing a 3-page essay about them. That's the longest essay I've ever written. FML

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By dentinpalevo - Cyprus

Today, it's my first day-off for the holidays. Today is also the day they decided to start building a house next to mine. I can't sleep beyond 7 am. FML

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By lunchbox2353 - United States

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Family Ties

Today, I found out via Facebook that my older sister just had another baby, a whole week ago, whose name is my middle name. No one told me. I didn't even know she was pregnant. FML

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By MexicanMe - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had breakfast with his grandmother. She told him how I'm prettier than "that Mexican" he'd brought home for dinner last week. We had dinner with her last week, and I'm that same Mexican. She then went on to how Mexicans are what's wrong with the economy. FML

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By firefighter - United States

Today, in Chem, I was chosen to hold the fire extinguisher just in case something happened while showing how to blow up a dangerous chemical. My teacher told me to spray if anything got out of control. He lit the fire and I freaked out and sprayed it. The entire wing of my school was evacuted. FML

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By dogshavenipples - United Kingdom

Today, I got a huge bill through the post. It turns out that my elderly mother made the vet come out to my house to see the dog while I was out, because she was scared of the little growths she had found on his body. They were nipples. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I was learning how to start having lucid dreams. She was convinced the only reason I could possibly want to have them was so I could cheat on her in my own dreams. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Anaheim

Today, I met a really cute girl at a club. At first, she told me I was cute. Then, she slurred that I look like "a spork on legs." Then she sprayed the inside of my mouth with vomit as she kissed me. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I decided to try this new cardio workout video I got. As I was obnoxiously bouncing around my room I heard a noise behind me. Turns out there were three boys outside my window watching. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boca Raton

Today, my grandpa accidentally posted a nude photo of himself on Facebook. I will never be able to unsee that. FML

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By ThatTrafficCone - United States

Today, the Fire Department found my car overturned in a ditch and on fire. It was two miles away from where I parked it about three hours ago. FML

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By Teiu88 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I realized how bad my OCD is when I accidentally got a paper cut and I was annoyed by the fact that the cut wasn't in a straight line. FML

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By NocturnalFox - Czech Republic - Plzen

Today, I went on a first date with my crush. Right before the date, I noticed a monstrous pimple in the middle of my forehead. I covered it with make-up, but it was still visible. The guy spent the whole evening laughing at me and telling me that I look like an unicorn. FML

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By yuck

Today, I found out that what I thought was my brother gasping and groaning in his dreams most nights is actually him jacking off. FML

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By whatwasithinking - 14/10/2020 17:01

He's let himself go

Today, I took my kids to our local swimming pool. When we arrived, there were several cop cars parked outside and a group of officers interrogating a creepy, haggard-looking old man who was in handcuffs on the bench. As we got closer, I realized the man was my ex-husband. FML

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By PlayTag - United States

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

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By onlyolivia - United States - Laurel

WTF are you doing?

Today, we had some workers come to paint my office building. As a receptionist, it's my job to stock the fridge with soda. I walked into the supply closet just in time to find a worker peeing in a bucket. I stood there for about 10 seconds before I understood what was happening and ran out. FML

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By shitty situation - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend came over for a family brunch, during which he told my mother, in vivid detail, how he gets the shits whenever he eats kale chips. FML

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By WeldedShut

Today, I was with a wedding party getting manicures. I absentmindedly used a freshly-painted nail to pick my nose and ended up with two beauticians scraping indestructible bright red gel varnish out of my left nostril with acetone soaked q-tips, while everyone sat waiting in complete silence. FML

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By anythingjean - Canada

Today, I saw a cute guy on the bus. I smiled at him and he smiled back. After a couple of stops, he got off the bus. He bumped into me, turned around, apologized, and winked. I stood there feeling good about myself. Then I realized he stole my wallet. FML

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By Jeremy - United States

Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML

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By crazyt446 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my husband rescued our daughter's cat from a tree. She spent the next hour clapping and telling me how much of a hero he was. Last night at 2am I was awoken by meowing and had to rescue the same cat from the same tree, in the dark, and halfway down he shit on me. No one called me a hero. FML

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By tamralee

We've all done it

Today, I scrubbed a spot on a glass window in my house for several minutes. After finally giving up, I realized the spot was on the opposite side of the glass. I wasn't even high. FML

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By mista hunna - United States - Baltimore

Today, I found the dog I lost while I was dog sitting. It was with its new adoptive family. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, against my advice, my boyfriend decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in an attempt to learn how to please me in bed. Now all he does is suck on my toes, and thinks it's weird that I don't spontaneously orgasm as if I'm some kind of nymphomaniacal weirdo. FML

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By clublulu - United States

Today, I absentmindedly stuck two magnets in my mouth while talking, and accidentally swallowed them. I had to go the emergency room. The nurses at the station laughed at me. They thought it was a joke. They couldn't believe an 18 year old would swallow magnets. FML

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By IhadToTakeCareOfTraumatizedFish - United States - Iowa Park

Today, while I was working at a sushi restaurant, a guy told me he wanted the table next to the "koi fish tank", because he wanted to let the fish know what happens when they "cross him". FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Wedding dress

Today, I walked down the aisle when a bug flew into my mouth. In a response, I threw up on my beautiful white wedding dress. I had to party and be in the pictures in someones spare pink dress for the rest of the day. FML

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By someonesomething - United States

Today, one of the comic companies I submitted to, replied back. They said that the story was boring, and the main character bland, generic, uncultured, had no potential for personal growth, a suburbanite, and an ignorant shut-in. I based the personality of the main character on my own. FML

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By StillBurning

Today, I enjoyed my favourite pizza topped with jalapeños for an extra kick. I later got to feel that kick a second time as I vomited in the middle of the night. Some came out my nose. FML

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By wtf

Today, I came back to my boyfriend's house where I've been staying to find all my things thrown outside, ruined, including my entire CD collection, textbooks and clothes cut up. All because I had left my cell phone there and had got a text from a guy saying "Hi, how have you been?" FML

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By JuicyJohn - United States

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running a marathon for my school. Two hot girls started talking to me, so I glanced at them and smiled. I turned back, just in time to knee a little boy in the face. FML

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By expassword - United States

Today, I asked my wife for her computer password because my computer crashed. After minutes of begging she finally told me. Turns out that her password happens to be her ex's name. FML

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By ohforchristssake - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy I recognized from one of my classes messaged me on a dating site. He wanted help with homework. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2021 21:30

Horn section

Today, I matched with someone on a dating app. The first thing they said to me was, "What is the chance that you are the trombone player living below me and would you please stop playing after 9 p.m.?" I am that trombone player and due to Covid I have to practice a lot in my apartment. FML

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By Dopeboyfresh71 - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was a bill from my parents. Apparently, the rent is due on the 1st. FML

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By anon - United States - Atlanta

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long, heartfelt message this morning. Her response? "What do you need? Or is this even really you?" FML

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Top comments

By DGross | 8

#943152 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:07

wolf pussy :-)

By ojosverdes26 | 6

#943163 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:09

OH MY GOD! WIN. LOL, furball! Your mom's funny...

COMMENTS

By DGross | 8

#943152 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:07

wolf pussy :-)

ReyEr9412 | 0

#943175 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:11

The OP is now scared for life...

rohosoccer08 | 1

#943195 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:14

gross! I don't even want to think about a parent like that! at least not one old enough to have a kid that knows what a brazilian is

niibee | 0

#943239 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:21

lmao

beccaishereyay | 11

#943306 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:39

hahahahahahaha FHL "lol i feel sorry for your dad

twist_of_fame93 | 0

#943307 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:39

one Horney ass dad. hey I guess it could be a lot worse

Anthrophobia | 2

#943331 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:47

Haha, #1 wins

SirWhatsHisFace | 0

#943347 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:50

lol, Nick Swardson reference ftw!

Blue_Coconuts | 7

#943412 - Saturday 13 March 2010 21:03

Haha, great special, laughed my ass off... Also fur is not great... Maybe a little on the top, but trimmed.. otherwise no go.

alleyx3 | 0

#943417 - Saturday 13 March 2010 21:05

LMFAO

bamskey | 0

#943448 - Saturday 13 March 2010 21:16

haha

Menick47 | 0

#943456 - Saturday 13 March 2010 21:19

Wolf pussy? More like Mammoth pussy!

lady_lindsey | 0

#943540 - Saturday 13 March 2010 21:51

epic mom!

sugarbabyxoxo | 2

#943603 - Saturday 13 March 2010 22:17

lmao grossss!

Felendris | 0

#943716 - Saturday 13 March 2010 22:58

rofl, "furball"
that's bawse xD

sublimaze | 6

#943721 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:00

poor dad must be coughing up hairballs

paigeatsflesh | 11

#943731 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:04

that's yuckers./: one time me and my mom were in our bathing suites and she looked down and said "opp my little hairs are showing!" ...I feel your painnn.

SeasonedSausage | 0

#943858 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:37

why can't dad pull out the lawn mower and do it himself.

mylifeblows3232 | 3

#944047 - Sunday 14 March 2010 0:40

that reminds me of my gf snickerdoodles downstairs

jetpackzach | 5

#944067 - Sunday 14 March 2010 0:47

@74....gross

Felendris | 0

#944682 - Sunday 14 March 2010 4:21

@90, I think we've driven snicker away... (we=FML users -_-) sorrah Sneeckardewdlez

honestlove11 | 0

#944938 - Sunday 14 March 2010 6:12

90.. you're disgusting :/ jussayin.

AndreaHaha | 0

#945003 - Sunday 14 March 2010 6:49

eww lmao to number 1

UberFail79 | 0

#945169 - Sunday 14 March 2010 8:32

Must I defend Snicker's honor in her absence? Grab the dueling pistols.

Here's your flintlock, and I'll just use my Glock.

distortedx | 0

#945951 - Sunday 14 March 2010 15:10

@45 Hella cute :P

ashley47 | 0

#948699 - Monday 15 March 2010 5:42

lmaoooo xD

ILoveMyXbox | 0

#949051 - Monday 15 March 2010 8:30

LMFAO #90 GOOD ONE, BRO

Peacemaker9 | 7

#957061 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 8:41

#74 that just made me gag rite now...... crap where's the trash can...... lol jking but ur story. did sound gross a bit...... no offense.....

Brittaneyyy | 0

#2265316 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:35

#1 made my day lol

Brittaneyyy | 0

#2265329 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:37

o n #74 grosssss

Trilogy | 1

#3380756 - Monday 3 October 2011 5:58

Haha #1 Nick Swardson FTW!!

By ojosverdes26 | 6

#943163 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:09

OH MY GOD! WIN. LOL, furball! Your mom's funny...

GeneralCha | 3

#943256 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:24

Ummmm....

jj2014 | 0

#943326 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:46

holy shit that's hillarious.

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#943390 - Saturday 13 March 2010 20:58

Agreed. OP, how old are you? If you are over 20, no big deal. Your parents see you as an adult.

Tripout | 0

#943623 - Saturday 13 March 2010 22:22

no #2. op's mom is FURRY.

3DLoli | 0

#943757 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:17

LOL 65. I was gonna say that. xD;

dance_till_dawn | 0

#943893 - Saturday 13 March 2010 23:45

I don't care how old she is. I'm 32, my dad's 48, and my mom's 50. I still do not want to know about her furball! Or anyone's for that matter! Ummmmm....eeeewwww!!!!