Today, my dad and his new wife got their wedding pictures done....

By puppydrama - 30/1/2013 21:05 - United States

Today, my dad and his new wife got their wedding pictures done. Out of over 150 pictures, I was only in one. The family dog was in all of them. In the one picture of me, I was holding the dog's leash while he took a dump. FML

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Animals

Time don't heal nothing

British Broadcasting Corporation

You snooze, you lose

By That Girl with the Amazon Parrot - 4/1/2014 07:21 - United States

Today, I was called by the counselor to discuss my "issues". She told me that other students had reported to her that they saw scars on my arms. I don't cut, I just have a hormonal and aggressive parrot who sees me as his personal tree. FML

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By babyeaternomnom - 30/6/2012 16:22 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I caught my elderly neighbour skinny-dipping in my pool. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2017 16:00

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 4 years thinks my chemotherapy sessions are the perfect opportunity to sleep with other girls. FML

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By Hmmmm - 20/9/2012 14:58 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was made aware that my teenage son used "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" as a reference point in a class debate as if it was a biopic. Oh dear. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, while in class, I noticed that someone had really bad B.O. I was seated next to an extremely ill-mannered girl, so I figured it was her, and thought to myself that if it happened again, I'd tell her off. Once I got home and took off my jacket, I realized it was me. I forgot to put on deodorant. FML

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By hatesgravity - 2/9/2010 11:40 - United States

Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75mph on the freeway, I made it off in one piece, only to fall off my bike in the mall parking lot. FML

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By erockinthesuburb - 11/4/2012 16:25 - United States - Algonquin

Today, I was stopped and searched by a cop, and he quickly found the bag of weed in my pocket. He didn't arrest or fine me, but he did confiscate my weed and told me to "get lost." Pretty sure I just got legally mugged. FML

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By Raven - 31/12/2016 17:24 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I went to let my dog inside because she was barking. I saw my neighbour standing at my fence, screaming that she was going to kill my dog with a shovel for barking at her. My dog was only doing it because my neighbor was putting her trash in my garbage bin. This isn't a new thing. FML

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By Ima in Hungary - 22/3/2012 12:06 - United States - Silsbee

Today, my boyfriend drove to my house to break up with me. He only did so after I'd vacuumed the whole house to compensate for his cat allergies. I thought he was just coming to dinner. FML

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By musamalia - 6/1/2009 11:58 - France

Today, a very pretty girl came up to me and asked me for my phone number. Very pleased, I give it to her with a huge smile and tell her that I can be reached at any time. I then watch her go back to her group of friends. My number was for her gay friend, who then meekly waved at me. FML

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By bmaas - 17/3/2010 16:53 - United States

Today, I was playing volleyball in gym when I went up for a spike. As I was coming down, I elbowed a girl in the face. It turns she's the second most important lead in our school musical, which we perform on Thursday. Her nose is broken. FML

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By Cottagecheeseha - 20/8/2012 04:03 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, I pulled out a book and my bookmark fell out. My crush picked it up and a weird look came across his face. I then realized I had used toilet paper. Now I'm the girl who reads while taking dumps. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 18:03

Protip

Today, my endometriosis has reached stage 4 and has spread to many organs, including my colon. My constipation got so bad that my Apple Watch told me it was time to stand up. FML

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By redriver - 18/6/2018 14:30 - United States

Today, exactly 28 days after I started my last period, I started a new period. This would be perfectly healthy and normal except that my last period was 24 days long. This has happened every month this year. FML

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By markzar - 5/5/2012 07:19 - United States - Amherst

Today, I had food poisoning. When I was finally able to drag myself to the kitchen for some Gatorade, I got stung by a wasp. FML

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By some people's parents - 18/4/2013 04:01 - United States - Aurora

Today, after years of loaning my mother countless amounts of cash that never get paid back, borrowing $60 from her, and being just one day late paying it off due to food poisoning, she sends a very large man to my door to collect, like she's Tony Soprano. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2015 13:45 - United States

Today, my fiancée got married. I did not. FML

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By Kristinmarsh08 - 29/10/2010 12:02 - United States

Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply: "I gotta work that day." FML

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By dazedandconfused - 18/9/2016 09:44 - United Kingdom - Dorking

Today, I found out why my wife has been upset with me for the last week. She told me this morning that I did something to upset her on our date night last Friday, she won't tell me what, and she said she'll leave me if I do it again. FML

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By gabxoxo03 - 10/6/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, I snuck up on my girlfriend to give her a kiss. Only after I planted a big one did I realize it was not my girlfriend, or even a girl for that matter. FML

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By ohmy. - 27/12/2011 17:52 - United States

Today, my husband yawned in the middle of our wedding vows. FML

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By AnRom - 17/12/2009 09:58 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

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By Maestro - 1/12/2008 06:09 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that I was irrationally jealous. I’ve just learnt that she has a website where she masturbates in front of a webcam. FML

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By hfksorws - 8/10/2010 01:57 - France

Today, I was at Barnes and Noble with my dad, where he refused to buy me a book because I "already read too much." FML

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By Pizza-less - 4/9/2011 04:16 - United States

Today, my best friend and I were playing Call of Duty, when he said he had to go to the bathroom. Curious, I checked his phone. A text message read, "Tell your friend you're going to the bathroom and come eat. Pizza is here." from his dad. Apparently, I'm not good enough to feed. FML

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By iross - 23/10/2009 19:19 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway. I shut my windows and sunroof when I started to feel heavy rain hitting me in the face and shoulder. I was confused by the rain because the sun was bright and there was blue, cloudless sky. Then I saw the large trash truck in front of me spewing "trash juice". FML

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By lifesux - 31/12/2010 17:33 - United States

Today, I had a blind date. When I arrived at our meeting place, I spotted my date, because he was the only one in the bar wearing a nametag. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you John?" He responded, "That depends. Are you Jen?" When I said yes he said, "Then no," and left. FML

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By ahh - 28/12/2010 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, the last person I invited to my birthday party called and said they couldn't come because another party "came up" and they "hope I understand". It's on December 31st. This happens every year without fail. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2015 10:57 - Ukraine - Donetsk

Today, my car went missing. My sister constantly asks to borrow it, so I called her and asked if she had it. She swore blind that she didn't, so I called the cops and reported it stolen. They soon caught her driving the stolen vehicle. She blames me and is now telling everyone I set her up to be arrested. FML

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By ken - 19/7/2011 07:40 - Canada

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is cheating on me when she was arrested for having sex in public. Not with me though. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2013 16:07 - United States - Katy

Today, I went to my local pool. I lay down in a chair and started tanning. About 30 minutes later, a lady came up to me and said, "Put that away, you pervert, there are children here!" I had a hole in my pants and my penis had started to poke through. FML

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By Brotherssuckkk - 18/1/2010 20:04 - France

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

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By katrina2d - 27/1/2015 05:43 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my dad and I were having a conversation about boneless chicken. He told me that they are raised boneless, going into detail, and I bought every word of it. Not until he started laughing did I realize how gullible I really am. I'm 22. FML

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By oops - 31/12/2020 05:00

My chocolate

Today, I was being playful with my boyfriend and put a chocolate between my legs. He bit the chocolate. My lips too... FML

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By chelserusera - 14/5/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 21:15 - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing. I slipped on the ice and fell in the middle of the road, dislocating my left shoulder and knee. As I was screaming in pain and trying to stand up, two boys on the pavement threw snowballs at me while everyone in the cars just drove around me. FML

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By Klepto - 15/11/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to the guy who had the party I was at last night. I immediately realized, however, that my new profile picture is of me, smiling and holding the trophy I stole from his house. FML

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By EastOneTen - 6/10/2012 07:28 - United States

Today, my four roommates and I contracted lice. While all our heads were slathered in mayonnaise and saran wrap, our building's fire alarm went off. FML

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By Watsausrname - 14/6/2016 02:31

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

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By AyDiosMio42 - 8/9/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, I stepped on the MacBook Air I purchased 4 days ago. The screen snapped in two, and I didn't buy insurance because I promised myself I would be "extra careful." $3500 well spent. FML

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Top comments

By carmel1110 | 12

#5347816 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:21

Maybe the dog is more photogenic than you.

By kurodansei | 16

#5347823 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:24

well we know who's top dog in that household.

Comments

By carmel1110 | 12

#5347816 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:21

Maybe the dog is more photogenic than you.

ThePsyche | 9

#5347903 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:59

The poop picture just brings out your beautiful eyes OP, don't feel bad.

starsfan_9 | 7

#5347944 - Thursday 31 January 2013 1:23

Or maybe the dog's fecal matter is more photogenic than OP...

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5347986 - Thursday 31 January 2013 2:03

Maybe they love the color brown

yoyoforpeace | 14

#5348315 - Thursday 31 January 2013 9:55

OP should cut out funny pictures of his face and glue them over the wedding photos.

royalsgrl | 14

#5350888 - Saturday 2 February 2013 7:06

Maybe they love the dog more lol

By JiggyBoo123 | 11

#5347817 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:21

Did they forget which one was the bitch?

thepunman | 11

#5347909 - Thursday 31 January 2013 1:02

That was a shitty pun

TheAbstract | 14

#5347934 - Thursday 31 January 2013 1:15

shitty + pun = shun. I shun the shitty pun.

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5347988 - Thursday 31 January 2013 2:04

How do you know the dog was a Bitch? It could have been a boy dog

Inediblepeaches | 15

#5348105 - Thursday 31 January 2013 5:05

It's a male dog. "while *he* took a dump." "Bitch" is only referring to a female dog.

JiggyBoo123 | 11

#5349018 - Thursday 31 January 2013 23:26

Sorry. I was trying to be clever so I could be one of those top comments. I guess my comment was kinda uncalled for. :s

meagann01 | 4

#5349322 - Friday 1 February 2013 5:09

This bitch said it was a " boy dog" Bitch bye.

By kurodansei | 16

#5347823 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:24

well we know who's top dog in that household.

By ShannyAK | 16

#5347826 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:25

At least they are animal lovers! But seriously fyl op

ICastillo | 24

#5348095 - Thursday 31 January 2013 4:48

I'm an animal lover too. I love to eat them. Tastes so good.

ICastillo | 24

#5348199 - Thursday 31 January 2013 7:10

Yeah.. all you guys who thumbed me down act like you don't eat meat.
*takes a bite of steak*

DanielleinDC | 32

#5348473 - Thursday 31 January 2013 14:32

I don't, actually.

As for you, OP. sounds like your dad and stepmonster love their furbaby more than you. That really blows. They should remember who will pick their nursing home when they get old.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5348968 - Thursday 31 January 2013 22:45

And what is up with your wardrobe??

By mb2_native | 15

#5347828 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:25

Smile for the camera!

By andyyroxx | 20

#5347840 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:27

This is when you get up, go to the bathroom, take an iPad selfie, get it printed, and frame it next to your parents' new wedding photo.

finnrambo | 13

#5347920 - Thursday 31 January 2013 1:07

cuz selfie cameras are just that high quality

By samcro3 | 8

#5347841 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:29

This is our kid, fido. This is our other kid, fidos brother.

By perdix | 29

#5347848 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:31

The dog doesn't remind your dad of your mother. Any more questions?

Pleonasm | 34

#5347858 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:37

Astute point. He must feel like shit if that is the truth, although I don't think it's the case.

EvilUndead | 9

#5348084 - Thursday 31 January 2013 4:35

You probably wanted to say "doesn't remind his new wife about his old wife".

ICastillo | 24

#5348098 - Thursday 31 January 2013 4:52

Go home #44 you're dunk.

Cian_1 | 28

#5348411 - Thursday 31 January 2013 13:19

What if he's drunk, and already home?! :P

xJChristine | 16

#6290286 - Thursday 14 May 2015 9:53

I think this is the case, although it doesn't have to be her dad who is thinking that, but maybe his new wife? I'm sorry OP

By onorexveritas | 23

#5347850 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:32

that's shitty

kobelstone23 | 13

#5347868 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:39

That's a comment alot of effort was put into.

MatteKudasai | 17

#5347869 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:39

Almost as shitty as your "pun".

Eluveitie | 9

#5347878 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:46

And 14's grammar.

Pleonasm | 34

#5347894 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:53

And this thread.

-- I mean, "And MY Axe!"

Eluveitie | 9

#5348139 - Thursday 31 January 2013 5:29

Just thumbed my own comment down. I should really stop being a twat.

By zepher93 | 7

#5347851 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:33

Way to make the whole day all about you OP.. A dog is man's best friend.

mb2_native | 15

#5347872 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:41

Except for that 5 mins after you step in its poop and your having that thought 'why the fuck, did I get such a big dog', this is coming from me, who owns a King Shepard. I call them land mines...