Today, my dad and his new wife got their wedding pictures done....

By puppydrama - 30/1/2013 21:05 - United States

Today, my dad and his new wife got their wedding pictures done. Out of over 150 pictures, I was only in one. The family dog was in all of them. In the one picture of me, I was holding the dog's leash while he took a dump. FML

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Animals

Boozehound alert

Lockdown is driving us down

Spooky

By Anonymous - 29/7/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year told me he is at the point in his life where he is ready to start a family, get married and have a baby. He also casually stated that he wished he could meet someone he could see himself settling down with. FML

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By Darin Greenwood - 22/7/2019 14:00

Today, the wife and I were in the middle of having sex. She was bent over and I was taking her to pound town. I look over to see my 3 year-old son standing in the doorway, humping air. FML

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By M - 23/5/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

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By dabull - 27/4/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, nobody wants to hang out with me due to a nasty rumor that my ex has spread. No one will tell me what was said, because I apparently "know full well" what I did. FML

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By nanuka_g - 27/11/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to the movies. Two teenagers behind me had already seen the picture once and shared the entire plot with their friend during first 10 minutes. The finale was intended to be a great twist and I knew it from the very beginning. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2014 23:36 - United States - Rahway

Today, I was out shopping with my mom. While we were walking, a guy in a car honked at me. I'm not used to compliments, so I was pretty flattered and flashed him a smile. He looked back at me, confused, then shook his head and pointed at my mom. FML

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By dumbblonde - 6/8/2009 03:04 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen. FML

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By lifesucks4me - 23/2/2009 12:51 - United States

Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2016 16:39 - France - Issy-les-moulineaux

Today, I had a heart attack. In the hospital the doctor compared my heart to that of a stressed out 60 year-old's. I'm 17 and I don't even have a job yet. FML

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By mylifesuckssss - 9/10/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I received a 7 page text message during school from my mom yelling at me because I ate her cereal. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2013 21:48 - Croatia - Rijeka

Today, my mom got pissed off at my doctor and called him a quack. She did this because he reassured her that I don't show any signs of the mental retardation that she's convinced herself I must have. FML

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By sickmom - 21/1/2014 11:07 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I have the flu. I woke up to my son leaning over me, inches from my face, breathing in deeply. Apparently, he was trying to get sick so he could stay home from school. He's 15. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 18:07 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I got my laptop back after lending it to my friend. It wouldn't boot, and after investigating I found out it'd been stripped of its hard drive and all its memory. When I confronted my "friend", he accused me of lying and trying to ruin his reputation. FML

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By gabbykinz13 - 8/3/2012 21:48 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

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By NoScrubs - 31/10/2014 05:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I came to the conclusion I have three kids instead of two, after having to force my husband to take a shower. It's been a week. FML

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By Arrkyna - 23/8/2015 17:42

Today, I decided to upgrade to Windows 10. I wanted to keep my old files on the current hard drive, I clicked on the keep old files option. Thanks to Windows, I lost everything. FML

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By yeetyeet - 9/3/2019 22:00 - United States - Whitehall

Today, we were taking a bio quiz and I understood the subject, so the people sitting behind me asked me to help them out. Being a kind fellow classmate, I did. When the teacher got suspicious, she asked the class, "How are all of you getting the same answers?" everyone pointed directly at me. FML

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By wet - 23/4/2011 18:33 - United States

Today, the toilet on the top floor of my house burst, soaked the bathroom, and water dripped down into the kitchen and the basement for hours when nobody was home. Eight blowers and a dehumidifier later, the house is about 90 degrees and I can't leave. FML

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By sarabellekitty - 21/10/2019 04:00

Relaxed

Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML

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By eiregal2 - 15/4/2020 23:00 - Ireland - Cork

Butterfingers

Today, I somehow managed to slice open my thumb. The dangerous weapon that caused this to happen? Velcro. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 17:24

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying "only these guns" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. And neither will the cops down at the station. FML

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By reallythough - 13/4/2013 18:07 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I forgot to log out of my Facebook account before leaving for work. When I got back home, I discovered that my brother had gone through and commented "quack" on all my friend's duckfacing photos. She was not pleased. FML

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By i_am_forever - 6/1/2015 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

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By 12345678910 - 18/8/2013 18:22 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my drunk mom kicked me out of my own birthday party, calling me a "party-pooper" and saying I was killing everyone's buzz. FML

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By nosleep - 29/12/2012 07:33 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend read online that oversleeping has been linked to strokes later in life. He's now taken it upon himself to protect me by making sure that I have as minimal sleep as possible. FML

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By Charles - 21/6/2011 16:59 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer browsing various websites. In my attempt to scoot the chair forward, I hit my knee against the desk that my computer was on, and ended up breaking it. I literally broke my knee sitting on my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2019 16:03

Today, I told my supervisor how awful my coworker was at her job. I then got fired. FML

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By dak-rod423 - 15/10/2011 04:33 - United States

Today, my balls were stepped on while I was taking a nap in the park. The man said he didn't see me lying there. I was wearing a neon orange jacket. FML

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By Dr Pepper - 22/5/2019 18:05

I'm not sad. Or am I?

Today, to protect me from the 'bad people' out there, my mom bought some pepper spray. While trying to test it, I accidentally sprayed myself in the eyes. Now, every person I meet asks me what I've been crying about. FML

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By ugh - 24/11/2014 12:40 - United States - Port Chester

Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML

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By yup okay - 19/8/2010 15:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he finds his car more attractive than me. FML

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By Broke - 28/5/2012 09:38 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was waiting to pull out of a parking space, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to put the car into reverse instead of drive while I was waiting for traffic to clear. I don't think the people who own the car behind me were laughing. Nor is my now ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2015 05:44

Today, I was kayaking with my friend. We figured it'd be awesome if I jumped from my kayak straight into his. Sounded good in theory. One flipped kayak, a pair of lost glasses and a humiliating swim back to shore later, I'm starting to think it wasn't the best idea. FML

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By briiiiiiii123 - 12/1/2015 07:56 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

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By StellarSapience - 22/5/2009 01:18 - United States

Today, I was at work at an office store. I was instructed to put together several tape-free cardboard boxes. I then realized that I can disassemble and reassemble a computer with my eyes closed and one hand behind my back, but I was outsmarted by a cardboard box. FML

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By feelsterrible - 9/8/2012 19:51 - United States - Duluth

Today, I was at the mall, when a guy started screaming at his buddy for sleeping with his sister. It was pretty hilarious, so when he stormed off, I mockingly yelled, "Pussy!" He then whirled around and beat the absolute hell out of his friend. Now I feel like I'm going to reincarnate as a turd. FML

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By Stevo - 18/6/2010 07:13 - United States

Today, my math teacher told me to learn how to say "welcome to wal-mart". FML

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By I'm so wet, baby - 28/11/2014 17:27 - United Kingdom

Today, while at work, I really had to pee. Since my break was soon, I decided to hold it as another customer came to my till, but I didn't see she had 3 trolleys full of food. It took ages to scan all of it, and when I left for my break, I had an empty bladder and a wet seat. FML

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By das_shizzle - 5/5/2020 23:00

Wake up call

Today, I woke up to my husband trying to bite my forehead in his sleep. My response? I slapped him hard in the face. What a way to wake up. FML

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By smallpaycheck - 16/8/2009 00:49 - United States

Today, I was working at a shoe store and was helping a dude try on shoes. He looked like trouble and I wanted to finish with him. When he finally picked his shoes, he abruptly stood up and ran out of the store with the shoes on. The cost of them was deducted from my salary. $240. FML

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Top comments

By carmel1110 | 12

#5347816 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:21

Maybe the dog is more photogenic than you.

By kurodansei | 16

#5347823 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:24

well we know who's top dog in that household.

COMMENTS

By carmel1110 | 12

#5347816 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:21

Maybe the dog is more photogenic than you.

ThePsyche | 9

#5347903 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:59

The poop picture just brings out your beautiful eyes OP, don't feel bad.

starsfan_9 | 7

#5347944 - Thursday 31 January 2013 1:23

Or maybe the dog's fecal matter is more photogenic than OP...

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5347986 - Thursday 31 January 2013 2:03

Maybe they love the color brown

yoyoforpeace | 14

#5348315 - Thursday 31 January 2013 9:55

OP should cut out funny pictures of his face and glue them over the wedding photos.

royalsgrl | 14

#5350888 - Saturday 2 February 2013 7:06

Maybe they love the dog more lol

By JiggyBoo123 | 11

#5347817 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:21

Did they forget which one was the bitch?

thepunman | 11

#5347909 - Thursday 31 January 2013 1:02

That was a shitty pun

TheAbstract | 14

#5347934 - Thursday 31 January 2013 1:15

shitty + pun = shun. I shun the shitty pun.

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5347988 - Thursday 31 January 2013 2:04

How do you know the dog was a Bitch? It could have been a boy dog

Inediblepeaches | 15

#5348105 - Thursday 31 January 2013 5:05

It's a male dog. "while *he* took a dump." "Bitch" is only referring to a female dog.

JiggyBoo123 | 11

#5349018 - Thursday 31 January 2013 23:26

Sorry. I was trying to be clever so I could be one of those top comments. I guess my comment was kinda uncalled for. :s

meagann01 | 4

#5349322 - Friday 1 February 2013 5:09

This bitch said it was a " boy dog" Bitch bye.

By kurodansei | 16

#5347823 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:24

well we know who's top dog in that household.

By ShannyAK | 16

#5347826 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:25

At least they are animal lovers! But seriously fyl op

ICastillo | 24

#5348095 - Thursday 31 January 2013 4:48

I'm an animal lover too. I love to eat them. Tastes so good.

ICastillo | 24

#5348199 - Thursday 31 January 2013 7:10

Yeah.. all you guys who thumbed me down act like you don't eat meat.
*takes a bite of steak*

DanielleinDC | 32

#5348473 - Thursday 31 January 2013 14:32

I don't, actually.

As for you, OP. sounds like your dad and stepmonster love their furbaby more than you. That really blows. They should remember who will pick their nursing home when they get old.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5348968 - Thursday 31 January 2013 22:45

And what is up with your wardrobe??

By mb2_native | 15

#5347828 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:25

Smile for the camera!

By andyyroxx | 20

#5347840 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:27

This is when you get up, go to the bathroom, take an iPad selfie, get it printed, and frame it next to your parents' new wedding photo.

finnrambo | 13

#5347920 - Thursday 31 January 2013 1:07

cuz selfie cameras are just that high quality

By samcro3 | 8

#5347841 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:29

This is our kid, fido. This is our other kid, fidos brother.

By perdix | 29

#5347848 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:31

The dog doesn't remind your dad of your mother. Any more questions?

Pleonasm | 34

#5347858 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:37

Astute point. He must feel like shit if that is the truth, although I don't think it's the case.

EvilUndead | 9

#5348084 - Thursday 31 January 2013 4:35

You probably wanted to say "doesn't remind his new wife about his old wife".

ICastillo | 24

#5348098 - Thursday 31 January 2013 4:52

Go home #44 you're dunk.

Cian_1 | 28

#5348411 - Thursday 31 January 2013 13:19

What if he's drunk, and already home?! :P

xJChristine | 16

#6290286 - Thursday 14 May 2015 9:53

I think this is the case, although it doesn't have to be her dad who is thinking that, but maybe his new wife? I'm sorry OP

By onorexveritas | 23

#5347850 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:32

that's shitty

kobelstone23 | 13

#5347868 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:39

That's a comment alot of effort was put into.

MatteKudasai | 17

#5347869 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:39

Almost as shitty as your "pun".

Eluveitie | 9

#5347878 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:46

And 14's grammar.

Pleonasm | 34

#5347894 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:53

And this thread.

-- I mean, "And MY Axe!"

Eluveitie | 9

#5348139 - Thursday 31 January 2013 5:29

Just thumbed my own comment down. I should really stop being a twat.

By zepher93 | 7

#5347851 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:33

Way to make the whole day all about you OP.. A dog is man's best friend.

mb2_native | 15

#5347872 - Thursday 31 January 2013 0:41

Except for that 5 mins after you step in its poop and your having that thought 'why the fuck, did I get such a big dog', this is coming from me, who owns a King Shepard. I call them land mines...