Today, my cousin got married. I was cold so I went to get my... - FML

By Scarred4lyfe - 28/2/2016 22:32 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, my cousin got married. I was cold so I went to get my jacket from my car. While leaving I saw my cousin walking around the front of the venue. I told her she looked beautiful in her dress. She looked up and said, "Where is my beer, have you seen my beer?" and threw up on me. FML

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Proactive

Age ain't nothing but a number

Does it taste good?

By faaail - 24/3/2015 16:51 - Ireland - Cork

Today, while studying for a big test at the library, some idiots started playing hide-and-seek. After putting up with their snorting and giggling for nearly an hour, I finally lost my shit and told them to knock it off. I then got kicked out for causing a disturbance. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 06:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I have a busy day of college work ahead of me. I figured I'd best have a good breakfast. Then I realised I'd completely ran out of food except for various types of sauces and condiments. So what am I having for breakfast today? That's right. A nice cup of Gravy. FML

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By hungry - 22/10/2019 04:00 - Canada - Halifax

Parenting gone feral

Today, as I searched for food to take to work for lunch, I noticed that the only recent addition to our fridge is chocolate milk and popsicles. My mom went grocery shopping yesterday. FML

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By Ooops - 12/9/2019 22:02 - Canada

Baked

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML

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By bhnja_ - 18/4/2013 20:34 - Philippines - Mandaue

Today, I got cut from my track team. My coach told me it was because my sprints were "too fast" for his liking. Huh? FML

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By jmitch1209 - 28/1/2010 17:55 - United States

Today, I was potty training my nephew. He had been on the toilet for almost twenty minutes and could not go. My phone started ringing, and as I went to pick it up he knocked it into the toilet. He then peed and pooped on it. FML

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By loser4life - 30/7/2011 04:38 - United States

Today, in health class, I raised my hand and asked if you could get an STD from dogs. I have officially now ruined any extremely small chance I had of being popular. FML

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By Nofatforme - 6/9/2009 04:19 - Canada

Today, I saw a girl I haven't seen in 4 years. She used to like me back then. Since then I have lost 50 pounds, and never had the confidence to ask her out. She said I looked really sexy so I decided to ask her out on a date then and there. She said no, she only likes fat guys. FML

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By Tyguy3000 - 19/6/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, I asked a woman to take a picture of me and my girlfriend kissing on the beach. When I looked up, the woman and my phone were gone. FML

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By oops - 8/8/2011 18:11 - South Africa

Today, my boyfriend opened the car door in a very kind and loving way. What wasn't so kind and loving was that my hand was still half-way when he closed it. FML

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By headache - 4/5/2019 14:00

Today, I have a new office-mate. I'm not particularly sensitive to odours but he wears so much cologne, I nearly throw up every time he walks in. Only 8 more hours till fresh air. FML

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By ohhdear.___. - 26/3/2012 14:54 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I found out my 12 year old daughter is going through a bit of an "emotional" stage. I got a call from her school saying she was sitting in the corner at recess trying to cut her wrist. With a plastic spoon. FML

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By northernlass - 1/10/2010 14:32 - United States

Today, I boarded a trans-Atlantic flight by myself, and struck up a nice conversation with the passenger across the aisle. Before we even took off, the man in front of me unbuckled, stood to face me, and asked me to please shut the hell up. "It's a 9 hour flight, and you're VERY loud!" FML

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By CharlieKearney - 10/1/2016 23:33 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, the guy I made out with on New Year's Eve finally called me. Too bad it was to blame me for the picture of us which someone had sent to his girlfriend. I never took a picture, and had no idea he was in a relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 10:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

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By YouAREthefather - 18/3/2010 16:48 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML

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By light_talker - 14/1/2010 19:04 - United States

Today, I got my cell phone bill. I pay for 700 minutes per month. I used 9 last month. FML

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By sleepytime - 5/10/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was really, REALLY tired at work. I went to the restroom to take a little break, and must have dozed off, because I was awoken by my boss, knocking on the door of the stall. Apparently, I had been snoring. FML

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By Albert - 26/4/2020 17:00

Useless

Today, I used up the last of my deodorant for a business meeting on Zoom. FML

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By unemployable - 5/12/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I had an important job interview. The interviewer really seemed to like me. Instead of hiring me, he asked me out on a date. FML

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By notatherapist - 1/10/2014 23:08 - Netherlands - Huizen

Today, my boyfriend and I were roleplaying therapist and patient in bed. When I playfully asked him what bothered him, he told me his mother hates him and burst into tears. FML

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By Genuine D - 13/5/2017 08:00 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I pulled a white cloth with string on the end from my dog's mouth. I then realized I was holding my sister's used tampon. FML

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By toolegittoquit - 18/1/2010 08:28 - United States

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

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By ew - 12/4/2016 17:53 - United States

Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML

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By nabru - 6/7/2018 15:00

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because "I'm not paid to automate stuff, I'm paid to work". FML

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By embarrassed girl - 7/6/2014 05:40 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. It was going well until I accidentally passed gas. To add to the embarrassment, he rated it. I only got a 4 out of 10. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I went out to eat at a restaurant. When the waitress saw me, she continously told me how beautiful and kind I was. Flattered, I just said thank you. Five minutes later, one of the ugliest girls I've ever seen in my life walked in. The waitress told her the same exact things she told me. FML

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By Heidi Jeanette - 14/11/2017 01:30

Today, I learned that my insatiable appetite and sex drive is because I'm 5 months pregnant. I'm married to a woman. We had a threesome one drunken night. FML

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By skid - 2/6/2015 14:59 - United States - Champaign

Today, I took part in a bouquet toss. The "single ladies" consisted of myself and several girls under the age of ten. I'm 31. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 22:07 - Israel

Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2010 10:45 - Canada

Today, I was wondering why my home smelled so weird, until I found out that my 4 year old son had been secretly scattering around food he didn't like to eat throughout the house. How did I find out? No one else in this family leaves half eaten spinach all over my underwear drawer. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2015 19:02 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my two sons were fighting. I had to shout, "Give me that pillow" - the object over which they were quarrelling - and put them into two separate rooms. My sons are 12 and 15. FML

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By Richocet - 18/5/2009 00:35 - Canada

Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I see my dad on a bike so I shout after him. He turns his head around and then runs into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By Pang - 19/12/2018 16:00

Today was the last my last day of high school ever, to celebrate me and my friends were going to go into the city and hang out for a bit. I missed the bus they caught into the city so I caught the next one, when I got there I asked where they were. They didn't respond. FML

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By Spanky - 23/1/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her grandma was using toothpicks and dropping them on the ground next to our popcorn bucket. I took a big handful of popcorn, and was fortunate enough to get a piece of her toothpick lodged in my throat. FML

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By - 12/1/2020 05:00

Beautiful car

Today, I sold my wife's old car because I bought her a newer and nicer one. On the way back home from the sale, the transmission went out in her new one. FML

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By Jaded618 - 5/12/2010 12:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of eleven months broke up with me, but adamantly insisted I didn't move out of our apartment, because he can't pay the rent alone. FML

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By pridekills - 19/8/2012 04:19 - United States - Mulberry

Today, my co-worker told me I should stop smoking cigarettes because it makes my breath "smell like shit" and makes my teeth look as yellow as corn. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. FML

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By Colin Jr. - 23/9/2015 13:24 - United States

Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML

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By bdaygirl - 3/12/2009 07:33 - United States

Today, I turned eighteen. Thinking I was going to get a big present from my parents on this special day, I eagerly unwrapped my present. They got me a bag of M and M's. Last year I got flannel bed sheets. FML

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Top comments

By Deweyboy | 10

#6548201 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:28

Where could something that horrible happen?

*checks location*

...figures.

By Noelletakumi | 36

#6548200 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:28

Well, that's one thing to remember the occasion by. FYL, OP.

Comments

By horneyhic | 15

#6548199 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:27

Brides perogitve

By Noelletakumi | 36

#6548200 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:28

Well, that's one thing to remember the occasion by. FYL, OP.

By Deweyboy | 10

#6548201 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:28

Where could something that horrible happen?

*checks location*

...figures.

Reply

friedpwnadge | 25

#6548242 - Monday 29 February 2016 16:16

We also have alligator wrestling and druggies eating faces. Come down anytime.

Reply

thecitizen | 15

#6548250 - Monday 29 February 2016 16:32

Yeah, #15 is right. It's great down here!

Reply

magicviper1 | 15

#6548255 - Monday 29 February 2016 16:37

how do you find the location in the new update?

Reply

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6548449 - Monday 29 February 2016 18:55

Florida has everything bad. Alligators, swamps, spiders, old people, drugs, humidity, idiots, and Marco Rubio

Reply

IAm123 | 24

#6548523 - Monday 29 February 2016 19:51

#17 I've also been trying to figure out how to see the gender and location in this new update. Does it even show?

Reply

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6548569 - Monday 29 February 2016 20:13

#17 They are probably on the website and not the app. I don't think there is a way to find gender and location on the app, which is really frustrating.

Reply

Comrox | 19

#6548970 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 1:24

23 and 26, I'm using the app right now and can see that the OP is posting from Florida. The location is posted right next to "Published on..."

Reply

laurenswims13 | 24

#6549080 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 4:05

I can't even disagree with that...Florida has some interesting people.

Reply

Xandrick | 22

#6549628 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 18:03

As a Floridian, I cannot disagree with your comment. Hell, we have our own category in Fark news. If that doesn't say something, I don't know what does.

By emeraldisle | 30

#6548202 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:28

Looks like someone started the party a little early.

Reply

Stazza11 | 27

#6548204 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:29

Why not? I mean she just sold her soul.

By megzaros | 13

#6548203 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:29

Sounds like a memorable wedding day for her lmao. Did she pay for dry cleaning?

By fleur_de_fevrier_fml | 22

#6548215 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:44

Pure class...

By tbro47 | 23

#6548219 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:46

She probably drank a little to calm her nerves. It's not unheard of, though it seems she drank just a tad too much .

By TheCurvyGamer | 17

#6548227 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:54

Some people get drunk at weddings. You're just gonna have to beer with it.

By aliciousness116 | 16

#6548235 - Monday 29 February 2016 16:03

A day you'll both remember. :P

By breeash77 | 1

#6548240 - Monday 29 February 2016 16:12

Well that's never pleasant..