Miscellaneous: Today, my cousin got married. I was cold so I went to get my... - FML

By Scarred4lyfe - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, my cousin got married. I was cold so I went to get my jacket from my car. While leaving I saw my cousin walking around the front of the venue. I told her she looked beautiful in her dress. She looked up and said, "Where is my beer, have you seen my beer?" and threw up on me. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Doomed

Workaholic

By fat - United States

Today, I noticed that I've gained so much weight that even my feet have stretch marks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spencer

Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML

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By oof - 9/7/2020 23:01

Boom, headshot

Today, my fiancé and I were discussing whether we should have a gun in the house or not. He argued that I’m too clumsy to have one. Offended, I turned around to storm off. I hit my forehead on the cabinet I'd left open and immediately started gushing blood. Point proved. FML

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By NoMoreMeters - United States

Today, during my fourth solo day working as a meter-maid, I had a vehicle towed for being parked in front of a fire hydrant. The vehicle belonged to the governor. I'm scared to even show my face at work next week. FML

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By bibobobonnor - Canada

Today, my dad gave me a football signed by my favourite football player. It would've been great, except that I saw my dad sign it in front of me. The worst part is that he denies doing it. FML

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By Ballhugger - Canada

Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my genitalea. It turns out that I was having nightmares and I squeezed my balls because I was so terrified. I popped 3 blood vessels in my scrotum and now walk with a limp. FML

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By serialkillingex - Netherlands

Today, my ex won a writing competition. His story was inspired by our relationship. In it, I'm a serial killing prostitute. FML

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By lauren555 - United States

Today, after finishing a huge French essay, I realized my printer wasn't working. So, I emailed it to a guy in my class to print and then give to me. When I get to French, he said he had already turned his in early and never got my email. It turned out he used mine. I got an F on the essay. FML

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By MC - Canada

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

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By smyp - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I was let go from my job, because I "progress too quickly and there's no promotions available" and I "can find a better place to work at". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

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By Palf - Germany

Today, I realised that my flight back from Berlin was actually booked for the 29th of September instead of August. FML

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By S.Bunny - United States

Today, I found out that when you hit the neighbor's dog with your car, they might chase you a mile with a shotgun. FML

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By drama_queen - United States

Today, at my school, we had the opening night of our production in which I act. None of my family or friends came. Basically, after 3 long months of hard work, the only person to "congratulate" to me after the show was the head of the theater department, who just wanted to tell me I was doing it wrong. FML

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By taydean - United States

Today, my sister and I were eating at Wendy's. On the way out, I thought it would be funny to kick the door open and yell, "This is Sparta!" I lost my balance and fell flat on my butt. FML

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By Jorgen - United States

Today, at my workplace, $200 checks were given to every employee for how well the corporation was doing. The temps didn't get any. Guess who was the only temp. FML

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By mike - United States

Today, I set up a mouse trap to kill the rodent plaguing my kitchen. While lying in bed, I heard an unmistakable snap, and ran to see what I'd caught. The mouse trap was missing. I now have a large, angry, and possibly dying animal running around my house. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, while working as a barista, a customer yelled about her muffins and butter not being ready since she only had a "short time to eat". There were 7 tip giving customers ahead of her, but I rushed her order. She gave no tip and stayed for over an hour. FML

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By Humiliated & Heart-Broken - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him for the first time. The L-word is probably one of the only things I'm scared to say, so what did he do? He stared at me blankly before making a farting noise with his mouth and asking if he could go get Chicken Express for dinner. FML

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By tacoboy - United States

Today, I was on a date with a girl I've had feelings for since I was 14 (I'm 22). I took her out to dinner, then to a movie that we both liked and had a few drinks afterwards. I thought it was going really well until I was driving her home and she asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's house. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, the roads were OK, so I cleaned the ice and snow off my car so I could go out. I rolled my window down a little bit while I was driving to clear the snow off the base of the window. A chunk of ice flew off my hood, in through the window, and hit my eye. I then hit a snowbank. FML

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By lovegotmehung - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone with my girlfriend. Just as she said "I love you", the credit on my phone runs out. She now thinks that I've purposely hung up on her. She refuses to speak to me until I tell her the real reason I hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart when I ran into this stalker chick. She introduced me to her baby. He's named after me. FML

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By food critic - Australia - Ryde

Today, I saw my girlfriend's mother tagged at a restaurant, the same one I had suggested we try earlier in the week. At the time, she quickly shut me down because "that place sounds terrible". I guess she forgot that she finally added me on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidentally called out "Mom" instead of her name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Maddington

Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML

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By jennag5 - Canada - Claresholm

Today, two drop dead gorgeous Australians asked me for directions. Being so shocked by their beauty and accents, I couldn't get words out of my mouth. The one said to the other "Nope she doesn't speak English", then walked away. FML

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By youonlyneed2squares

Today, as I was lying in my bed eating my dinner, my roommate says to me: "I don't know how to say this, but we need more towels. The room is flooding." FML

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By Dani - Australia

Today, I tried to take a piss in the woods, but ended up peeing all over my feet. I still had to hike another five hours in wet shoes. My boyfriend's only comment was, "At least you didn't wet your pants." FML

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By Nancy - United States

Today, after being at summer camp for two weeks, my parents never showed up to take me home. A counselor had to drive me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 20:02

"Based on your purchase history…"

Today, in the break room at work, I was looking through my email on my phone about my Amazon orders. There was a suggested product that looked like a dildo. I turned around to see my boss behind me glancing at my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Auburn

Today, my neighbor finally password-protected his wifi. Right in the middle of my timed, online exam. FML

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By TexasGirl24 - United States - Houston

Today, I was making a shake at work when the cup fell off the blender. I went to catch it, and instead caught the teeth of the still-spinning mixer. When my hand was still bleeding five minutes later, my supervisor told me to clock out until it stopped. I lost money for getting hurt on the job. FML

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By daenerys stromboli - Ireland - Navan

Today, my parents started fighting at a restaurant. Embarrassed, I went to the restroom to get away and stayed in there for about 15 minutes, knowing how long their fights can last. When I came back, they were gone. They'd ditched me, and left me to walk several miles back home. FML

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By yegworstdrivers - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell violently ill half an hour into a flight. I got sick so suddenly that I projectile vomited all over my clothes and the seat in front of me, and to top it all off, I also got diarrhea. Eight more hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 23:01

Sounds reasonable

Today, my husband refuses to have sex with me, ever since I told him I wanted to try for a baby. When I asked him why, he said it was because he likes lack of responsibility and money in the bank more than the thought of a screaming baby, no sleep and strong suicidal urges. FML

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By daremetobecooler - United States

Today, I saw a letter from Geneseo that invited me to apply to the honors college. Excited, I wrote the required two page essay on how I am organized. I then saw the strict deadline was March 15th. My little brother thought it would be funny to hide my mail. For the past seven weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I dog-sat for my neighbors' pitbull. Weighing in at 100 pounds with a nasty bite; this dog was no lap dog, but I treated it as one - not knowing how deadly this dog could be - beckoning it towards me with my hand. I now have 6 stitches in my hand and arm, and the neighbors didn't pay me. FML

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By Junktown - Israel

Today, I was propositioned by an incredibly pretty girl. I'm a 24 year old virgin; she's my best mate's girlfriend. She tells him everything when drunk, and he's a black-belt in karate. This could officially be classified as torture. FML

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Top comments

By Deweyboy | 10

#6548201 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:28

Where could something that horrible happen?

*checks location*

...figures.

By Noelletakumi | 36

#6548200 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:28

Well, that's one thing to remember the occasion by. FYL, OP.

COMMENTS

By horneyhic | 15

#6548199 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:27

Brides perogitve

By Noelletakumi | 36

#6548200 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:28

Well, that's one thing to remember the occasion by. FYL, OP.

By Deweyboy | 10

#6548201 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:28

Where could something that horrible happen?

*checks location*

...figures.

Reply

friedpwnadge | 25

#6548242 - Monday 29 February 2016 16:16

We also have alligator wrestling and druggies eating faces. Come down anytime.

Reply

thecitizen | 15

#6548250 - Monday 29 February 2016 16:32

Yeah, #15 is right. It's great down here!

Reply

magicviper1 | 15

#6548255 - Monday 29 February 2016 16:37

how do you find the location in the new update?

Reply

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6548449 - Monday 29 February 2016 18:55

Florida has everything bad. Alligators, swamps, spiders, old people, drugs, humidity, idiots, and Marco Rubio

Reply

IAm123 | 24

#6548523 - Monday 29 February 2016 19:51

#17 I've also been trying to figure out how to see the gender and location in this new update. Does it even show?

Reply

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6548569 - Monday 29 February 2016 20:13

#17 They are probably on the website and not the app. I don't think there is a way to find gender and location on the app, which is really frustrating.

Reply

Comrox | 19

#6548970 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 1:24

23 and 26, I'm using the app right now and can see that the OP is posting from Florida. The location is posted right next to "Published on..."

Reply

laurenswims13 | 24

#6549080 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 4:05

I can't even disagree with that...Florida has some interesting people.

Reply

Xandrick | 22

#6549628 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 18:03

As a Floridian, I cannot disagree with your comment. Hell, we have our own category in Fark news. If that doesn't say something, I don't know what does.

By emeraldisle | 30

#6548202 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:28

Looks like someone started the party a little early.

Reply

Stazza11 | 27

#6548204 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:29

Why not? I mean she just sold her soul.

By megzaros | 13

#6548203 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:29

Sounds like a memorable wedding day for her lmao. Did she pay for dry cleaning?

By fleur_de_fevrier_fml | 22

#6548215 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:44

Pure class...

By tbro47 | 23

#6548219 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:46

She probably drank a little to calm her nerves. It's not unheard of, though it seems she drank just a tad too much .

By TheCurvyGamer | 17

#6548227 - Monday 29 February 2016 15:54

Some people get drunk at weddings. You're just gonna have to beer with it.

By aliciousness116 | 16

#6548235 - Monday 29 February 2016 16:03

A day you'll both remember. :P

By breeash77 | 1

#6548240 - Monday 29 February 2016 16:12

Well that's never pleasant..