Today, my colleague rushed off to the hospital for the birth... - FML

By RBEE - 12/12/2009 18:02 - France

Today, my colleague rushed off to the hospital for the birth of his first son. Having met his wife at the Christmas party a couple of years ago, I called to congratulate her. Shame I didn't realize it was his mistress having the baby. Guess who broke the news to the wife. FML

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Tense

They're everywhere

Great guy

By Ann - 18/6/2009 19:40 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. While I was at the store, an employee came up to me and said, "You're beautiful!" When I came home I told my husband what had just happened. My husband then asked, "What was wrong with him?" FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 05:16 - Canada

Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML

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By Balls - 27/5/2017 22:00 - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, for my family, my most impressive quality is I can make spaghetti and meatballs. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2010 20:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over 2 years said he wants to get married before he leaves for basic training. Not because he loves me, but because he'll get paid more if he's married. This is the only time he's been excited about marriage. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2015 12:08 - United States

Today, I found out that my contact name in my girlfriend's phone is "Dipshit McFucktard". FML

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By WTF, guys? - 26/8/2014 16:22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my fourth day of my trip to the USA. I've actually started keeping count of the number of times people get confused because I was born in South Africa and yet am not black. Current count: 9. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 21:15 - Finland - Kouvola

Today, I was in a clothing store with my girlfriend. I saw the ugliest hat ever on a hat shelf, tried it on and said to my girlfriend, "Look at this ugly hat, it's absolutely horrible. It's even dirty." An old woman stood next to me said, "Well no wonder it's ugly, it's mine." FML

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By Anna - 11/10/2019 06:00

Great, some ice cream!

Today, after three years of working at my current occupation, they decided to give me a bonus for all of my hard work and effort. A 5$ gift card to Cold Stone. FML

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By 2ndchoice - 12/12/2009 15:47 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend wanted to tell me how much he loves me. He said a lot of wonderful things, such as not being able to live without me and hoping that I would want to live with him and marry him someday. He ended his loving speech with his ex-girlfriend's name instead of mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2012 05:03 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By maddiebauer - 26/7/2012 14:48 - United States - Plainfield

Today, my mom once again commented on how I need to work out. It has come to the point that I now walk around in exercise clothes and have a bottle of water/fake sweat to put on, just so she thinks I work out. This is how lazy I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 23:34 - United States - Akron

Today, as my boyfriend went to go down on me, he felt it necessary to stop at my stomach and clean the lint out of my belly button. 5ML

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By mrWrong - 25/3/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 14:00

Let it mellow

Today, my 5-year-old got carsick and lost his breakfast all over himself and the back seat. When I got home to clean him off and clean out the car, I discovered that construction workers hit a main water line while working on road expansion at the front of my neighborhood. We won’t have running water until 4 a.m. FML

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By that kind of girl - 2/4/2014 00:02 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, a man asked me on a date. It's been so long, I accepted immediately. He began quoting what seemed like random numbers to me, and it took me a few minutes to work out what he meant. Not only was I mistaken for a prostitute, I'm also worth, at most, $60. FML

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By HomeImprover - 2/11/2016 17:34

Today, I rode my newly-purchased bicycle to Lowe's to look at flooring and back splashes for our upcoming remodel. Upon leaving the store, I found out that my bicycle had been stolen by someone who had bought a hacksaw from that store while I was shopping. They left the receipt to mock me. FML

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By embarrassed - 21/12/2009 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I texted my Dad to tell him I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and won't be home. Since I had predictive text on, my phone didn't quite get the word 'home' - the message I sent said, 'I'm staying at Will's, I'll not be good tonight.' FML

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By Spanishredhead - 3/10/2009 10:31 - United States

Today, I checked in a group of men from Mexico. I speak just enough Spanish to realize they're discussing my breasts. I have to stand there smiling while checking in three more people. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 08:00

Hello everyone!

Today, my boyfriend and I were sexting, and he asked me if I would be naked and waiting for him when he got home. When he told me he was on his way, I took my clothes off and got into bed. What he didn’t tell me was he was bringing friends to pick up a desk from our place for their office. FML

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By Jan - 18/10/2013 06:13 - United States

Today, my mother topped someone's story of their child's problems by saying I'm on drugs. This resulted in people showing up to stage an intervention for me. She made the whole thing up and I've never used drugs, but no one believes me. FML

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By analbel - 5/11/2018 12:00

Today, I had to get a urine analysis done for my doctor. I take medicine that makes me a little shaky sometimes. Guess who spilled their pee all over themselves while trying to put the lid on. FML

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By mikay1413 - 8/10/2019 20:00

Gullible's travels

Today, my step-sister asked me what an organ donor was. I told her it's someone who delivers pianos. She believed me. FML

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By Cashier - 9/3/2011 05:36 - Canada

Today, I was at work as a grocery store cashier. I felt a hand slap my ass. Turning around I saw an old man winking at me and I screamed. When my manager came to deal with the problem she didn't believe me and gave the man a $25 gift card for 'the trouble' I caused. FML

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By joonsson - 22/3/2017 20:00

Today, I had to get an EKG device attached for a 24-hour test. Not too bad, but I have to wear a string vest over it, and every time I move, it chafes something crazy. My nipples in particular. Only 22 hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2011 09:52 - India

Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML

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By samikai523 - 18/4/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

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By stupid_airbag - 13/8/2012 08:06 - Australia

Today, the air bag system in my car somehow malfunctioned, and the air bag inflated while I was driving, causing me to lose control and crash into a street light. I ended up with a badly bruised face because the air bag had already deflated by then. FML

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By carebear1228 - 1/7/2014 17:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2013 17:56 - Philippines - Dasmari?as

Today, it's my last day before I get my colonoscopy. I've been on a strict chicken broth and jello diet in preparation. My dad thought it would be hilarious to drag me out to one of the best restaurants in town just so I could watch everyone else eat their delicious meals. FML

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By GrahamCracker - 21/5/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a final exam and I reached into my pocket to get out a pencil. I felt this thing in my pocket so I got it out and put it on the desk. At first I thought it was a leaf but then it started kicking and trying to run around. It was a cockroach. It had been living in my pocket. FML

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By flattened - 10/2/2011 10:58

Today, my mum got an electric car. It's so quiet that we could hear the bones of my cat break as we reversed over it on the driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2015 17:08 - Denmark - Randers

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend freaked out and kept asking me if I was sure I wouldn't get pregnant, because I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. We didn't actually have sex; he apparently thought me simply missing the pill would magically get me pregnant. The hell? FML

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By um... what the fuck, miss? - 2/8/2013 20:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I was buying ingredients for a salad. I had only picked up a few cucumbers, when an elderly lady came up to me and murmured, "Make sure you use lots of lube, or that'll hurt. Been there, sweetheart." What the HELL? FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 08:40 - United States

Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 05:17 - Malaysia

Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year old son came up to me and asked if he can "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereals. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML

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By poorman - 9/10/2009 23:22 - Canada

Today, my mother, who religiously checks her bank account after every purchase, then shreds her receipts, got fed up with me not doing the same. So she shredded all my piled up receipts. These include the 100s of dollars I had spent for my work, which I need the receipts to get reimbursed for. FML

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By brittbrat4 - 5/7/2011 00:25 - United States

Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, "I bet you don't have a boyfriend, do you?" FML

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By neveragain - 16/3/2012 05:11 - Canada

Today, I gave in and let my friend give me a makeover. She couldn't find my eyelash curler, but decided that if she used scissors lightly, it would work just the same. Needless to say, it did not work. FML

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By Megan Snair - 1/9/2019 04:01

Today, my cat threw up on the floor while I was taking a nap. I woke up, still groggy from the nap, and walked over to the bathroom. Not only did I slip on the vomit, spreading it all over the floor and myself, I think I somehow broke a toe in the process. FML

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By lexithepirate - 27/7/2012 09:24 - United States

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I left with referrals to both a dermatologist and a mental health professional. FML

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Top comments

By fmlcomment | 2

#717031 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:12

...if he wanted it kept secret, why was he telling everyone at his work?

By dracer | 0

#717052 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:20

Ooops, but at least you got the wife into the clearing! It's about time she saw through the cheating bastard this colleague of yours is!

COMMENTS

By fmlcomment | 2

#717031 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:12

...if he wanted it kept secret, why was he telling everyone at his work?

Reply

brutallyhonest24 | 0

#717334 - Sunday 13 December 2009 2:13

he would have needed a excuse to get off work, i doubt he yelled out "im having a baby!!!" , he probably mentioned it casually and it got passed around work

Reply

Sweej | 1

#3120379 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 21:16

I'm guessing his wife isn't really involved with his work... Meaning he isn't worried about people there knowing. Guess he was wrong.

By fuckitlosers | 0

#717045 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:18

haha thats a big L for you!

Reply

AdvocataDiaboli | 0

#717193 - Sunday 13 December 2009 0:48

Cell phones...?

Reply

leiziueyes | 0

#717271 - Sunday 13 December 2009 1:40

Sure she's gonna take the time to answer a few calls while on labor

Reply

The__Redneck | 7

#717338 - Sunday 13 December 2009 2:14

Having a baby sorta takes awhile. Yes, she has time for a phone call.

Reply

missgreenday | 0

#717893 - Sunday 13 December 2009 9:08

It's a rule for fml's to start with 'today'.

By Kukua | 5

#717050 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

scizzerin | 0

#718095 - Sunday 13 December 2009 14:21

I agree, if I got a random phone call from my husband coworker, I'd be like, "Who the hell is this again?!"

Reply

WhyAmUHere | 19

#5111376 - Saturday 3 November 2012 18:53

Nowhere in the FML does it say "once". They could have met and became friends.

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5363908 - Monday 11 February 2013 23:17

if they were friends or somewhat close, you would think she would have known if the coworkers wife was pregnant, FYL

By dracer | 0

#717052 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:20

Ooops, but at least you got the wife into the clearing! It's about time she saw through the cheating bastard this colleague of yours is!

By bluelabeled | 0

#717053 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:21

I assume the OP called the wife when she thought the couple had left the hospital.

Reply

FairLouisa | 0

#717274 - Sunday 13 December 2009 1:41

Haha! ^Win!

Reply

Aha09 | 1

#717706 - Sunday 13 December 2009 6:24

Yeah OP, is it Tiger Woods?
I mean, all the ladies want Tiger's Wood. ;{P

Reply

Flutist | 3

#717866 - Sunday 13 December 2009 8:44

Aha09, it was funny once but you killed it.

By JP101 | 0

#717055 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:23

Double Post...ignore

By neonokku | 0

#717056 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:23

your colleaque is an idiot

By arabianhorse1234 | 0

#717060 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:25

this is not an fml, this should be on IMMD. your colleague is a cheating bastard.

By Ilovelife07 | 0

#717069 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:30

is your colleague Tiger Woods?

By grumpy11586 | 0

#717081 - Saturday 12 December 2009 23:35

1. why do you have her cell phone number
2. they don't let you have cell phones in a hospital...you are such a liar

Reply

luvy101 | 0

#717932 - Sunday 13 December 2009 10:05

Who said it was a cell phone? If it was a cell phone who said she called while they were still i the hospital?

Reply

Ketz | 0

#718587 - Sunday 13 December 2009 21:30

How is this a reply to #11, exactly?

Reply

usnwife | 18

#2357477 - Saturday 16 April 2011 15:43

Pretty sure I used my cell while in labor with both my kids...

Reply

ilovemyflaws | 0

#3993391 - Saturday 4 February 2012 21:37

Who said you can't have your cell phone in a hospital?
I texted and called all the time when I went to the emergency room for stomach and head problems.

Reply

zen86 | 0

#4373315 - Monday 30 April 2012 15:06

Can use cell phones in hospital. Grow up " such a liar"