Intimacy: Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months... - FML

By itssomething - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20492

You deserved it

2610

Tweet

Share

You tried

And today, on Dr Phil…

Shark-infested offices

By killmenow - United States - Seattle

Today, I was out shopping, when I noticed a teenage girl with a double stroller picking up a pack of condoms. I couldn't help but mutter that it was a little late for those. A guy who must have been her boyfriend then stormed over and beat the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20222

You deserved it

77218

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/7/2021 14:01

Peace and quiet

Today, I swear to Christ, I prefer being at work these days, because when I’m at home if it’s not the kids screaming then it’s my wife moaning about nothing, or the dogs whining and barking, or the neighbour coming round to moan about all the noise. Sometimes wish I was bleeding deaf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

627

You deserved it

337

Tweet

Share

By PuzzleMommieCubed - 4/3/2021 21:30

The results are in

Today, I went to get Covid test because I had chest pain and shortness of breath. Turns out, I just have depression and anxiety. FML

I agree, your life sucks

770

You deserved it

104

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 08:08

Sounds like a keeper

Today, it's been a week since my boyfriend has touched me or even paid attention to me, because I refuse to buy him a car. I do everything for him and he owes me $3,000 already, but when I cried about using my savings on him, he said, "That’s not my problem.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

1148

You deserved it

579

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/6/2021 02:01 - Luxembourg - Luxembourg

Broken dreams

Today, I discovered the man I'm in love with, the only person I've found attractive in the past 8 years, has a girlfriend, and has done for almost a year. I feel physically sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

724

You deserved it

349

Tweet

Share

By No thanks - United States

Today, I was sitting on a fence watching a friend play soccer. He accidentally kicked the ball at my face and made me fall off the fence into mud. I laughed it off and got back on the fence. Two seconds later he did the same exact thing. I fell wrong and slammed my face into the fence. Pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30989

You deserved it

5972

Tweet

Share

By Danielle - Canada - Aldergrove

Today, it's day two of my family's camping trip. Despite the weather, bugs, and portapotties, we were doing okay, until the can opener broke. My husband is stubbornly insisting that we live off cereal and peanut butter for another five days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24037

You deserved it

3212

Tweet

Share

By keifer13 - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. I brought my camera to capture these last memories, only to discover that the batteries were dead. When I got home and went to change them, I realized they were not dead, they were just put in the wrong way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15598

You deserved it

56120

Tweet

Share

By Archie - United States

Let me out!

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to engage the child locks on the rear doors of my SUV. My SUV has a bolted cage for the dog separating the front from the back. Guess who was locked in their own car for 2 hours? FML

I agree, your life sucks

27483

You deserved it

4216

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my dentist of four years. After the cleaning, the hygienist and I scheduled my next appointment, and she briefly left the room, leaving my file open on the computer. The data in a field called "NOTE" caught my eye: "Sissy. Freak. Always late. Ask about family or will flirt." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10390

You deserved it

28920

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Greased Lightning

Today, I got home from working at KFC and hopped straight into the shower. I could see that the water was being tinged yellow by the grease that had got plastered on me at work and was now coming off, so I started gagging and almost threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1713

You deserved it

188

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's 18th birthday. She had invited us out drinking. I've never had alcohol before and was very excited. I got a call explaining that she had invited one too many and asked me not to come. People bragging on facebook about what a great time they were having didn't help either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42375

You deserved it

6244

Tweet

Share

By dudeyouarefired

Today, the highly intoxicated singer of my band decided it would be a wonderful idea to squat down and take a shit on stage in the middle of a gig. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42631

You deserved it

4747

Tweet

Share

By lisahb - United States - Detroit

Today, my mom took me to dinner. She told me about an argument that she and her boyfriend had, and she showed me the texts. While reading, I learned that she smells his dick before sucking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35352

You deserved it

3291

Tweet

Share

By 4evalone - United States

WTF dude?

Today, the man I love, who broke my heart by leaving me a few months ago, showed up to a family event and pulled off the most elaborate, romantic proposal I've ever seen. He was proposing to my cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27260

You deserved it

1641

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48031

You deserved it

15119

Tweet

Share

By htothecr - United States

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

I agree, your life sucks

25169

You deserved it

140850

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 07:59

Zoom off

Today, I was caught on a hot mic during a work department meeting complaining about someone using a leaf blower, F-bombs and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

211

You deserved it

766

Tweet

Share

By Batman

Today, I finished my 83-page thesis for my Stanford class and put it on my desk. Then, as a prank, my girlfriend hid it. She forgot where she put it. The thesis is due in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3607

You deserved it

627

Tweet

Share

By super maman - France - Montauban

Today, in a supermarket, my four-year-old son whispered to me, asking if the checkout lady was able to wash between her fat rolls. She heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43614

You deserved it

5464

Tweet

Share

By ilovebigmacs - United States - San Francisco

Today, I spotted an elderly man trying to use the ladder at work. Knowing customers aren't supposed to use these, I went over and helped. Not only did I fall from the ladder, but I landed on the old man's foot, breaking my elbow and fracturing his toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22717

You deserved it

3164

Tweet

Share

By beachbirdbait - United States - Savannah

Today, I drove to the beach for an hour to relax before returning to the intense workload of midterms. A kid walking by threw a cracker near me and I was instantly attacked by a group of seagulls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6508

You deserved it

489

Tweet

Share

By Lesley - United Kingdom

Today, while at work I was reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to me class of 5 year olds. I got near the end of the book and said "Look at the big fat caterpillar" to which one of my pupils replied "Just like you, Miss!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42910

You deserved it

6055

Tweet

Share

By Manatee - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been getting progressively larger for days. I had been putting Neosporin on underneath the bandage that was on it. The doctor saw my wound and laughed. He said the spider bite was no big deal, but that I was allergic to the Neosporin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55681

You deserved it

9802

Tweet

Share

By NeverEscaping - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I decided at age 18 that it's time to put into storage the picture books that have been collecting dust in my room for nearly a decade. My mother took this as a sign that I'm planning to move out and abandon her forever, and has been crying for the last four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31951

You deserved it

2910

Tweet

Share

By MYLIFESUX - United States

Today, I was sitting using my laptop, I was also eating a bag of starbursts. They bag slid off the bed, I went to catch them and in the process my knee hit my laptop which flew off the bed onto the wooden floor, and shattered. I broke my $2,500 laptop to save 11 starbursts from falling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29120

You deserved it

56826

Tweet

Share

By ouchhhh

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. 5 seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4370

You deserved it

579

Tweet

Share

By Sophie - United Kingdom

Today, I got hit by a car. My friends left me to get to the hospital myself. The cab was double fare. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32043

You deserved it

2455

Tweet

Share

By Hatilic_

Today, my idiot of a boss yelled at me because it's physically impossible for me to be in two places at the same time, and that I'm not a magician. He didn't understand that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1628

You deserved it

131

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

No internet, just cuddles

Today, my cat decided that the best place for her to pee was over the surge protector where my modem, router, and printer are plugged in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1447

You deserved it

194

Tweet

Share

By Noname - Australia

Today, I did my work, the work of my co-worker who called in sick and the work of my boss who has no idea what the hell is going on all at the same time. I didn't get a promotion because I don't work hard enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45255

You deserved it

3188

Tweet

Share

By ByeByeBirdie - United States - Montgomery

Today, I'd had enough of the annoying bird constantly singing in the shrillest bird voice possible outside of my window, so I chased it around the yard, shooing it away, as my cat sat there and watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9676

You deserved it

1776

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, my boss and I were bragging about our new phones. I unlocked mine to show its awesome display, and accidentally opened a job search app. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17723

You deserved it

7317

Tweet

Share

By lions214 - United States

Today, at work at a store, I was sitting on the floor stocking a bottom shelf. A woman in a motorized cart did not see me, and ran over my hand. When I alerted her about what she had done she laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30311

You deserved it

2918

Tweet

Share

By WorstMedicalBill - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11117

You deserved it

21720

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 14:01 - Germany

Can't handle it

Today, I feel hung over. Don’t feel up to anything except slouching on the sofa, nursing my headache. Must have been one hell of a party, lots of booze, right? Actually, all I did was go to bed at 11:30 last night, instead of my usual 8.30. FML

I agree, your life sucks

752

You deserved it

123

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - London

The real me

Today, after three days of dating a boy I liked, he came out as gay on his Instagram. FML

I agree, your life sucks

808

You deserved it

109

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kilkeel

Today, I felt frisky, so I did my hair and put on make-up and some lingerie. I walked into the living room, where my husband was playing a video game. He glanced up, said, "Oh, for fuck's sake." and made me wait nearly 15 minutes for him to reach a save-game point. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41717

You deserved it

8989

Tweet

Share

By "Mel Hahn"

Today, I walked out of my boyfriend's house to see my car window smashed in and my steering wheel cover stolen. I was only staying at his place because there had been a rash of vehicle break-ins in my neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3647

You deserved it

260

Tweet

Share

By Shelling Ford - Germany - Munich

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26164

You deserved it

3291

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Chloe555_fml | 27

#6550200 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 9:02

It was only a dream. IRL, I'm sure you would have caught more.

By AviKerensky | 17

#6550210 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 9:07

Your name isn't Sarah Marshall, is it?

COMMENTS

By Chloe555_fml | 27

#6550200 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 9:02

It was only a dream. IRL, I'm sure you would have caught more.

By 20bricks | 28

#6550201 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 9:03

Doesn't matter, had sex with Russel Brand

Reply

CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6550233 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 9:40

Not sure if that's a good thing though.

Reply

tarlax | 11

#6550292 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 12:12

Definitely not. You can take antibiotics for chlamydia, but there's no cure for terrible, TERRIBLE taste in men.

Reply

ConfusedCat | 11

#6550825 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 23:22

I've seen your comments on other posts. You should just stop.

By RainCl0ud | 22

#6550202 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 9:03

That's not too unrealistic. He probably does have chlamydia.

By Captain_Debilos_fml | 13

#6550203 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 9:04

but you had sex at least

By zarrganaut | 17

#6550209 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 9:06

Just be thankful that was only a dream.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#6550276 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 11:38

Yeah, for some of us, it's a reality.... not that I know personally... It happened to a friend, I swear. Totally not me. I 100% did not have sexual relations with Russell Brand. No one can prove anything.

By AviKerensky | 17

#6550210 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 9:07

Your name isn't Sarah Marshall, is it?

By hardcorefan16 | 22

#6550213 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 9:09

Thank god it was a dream, am I right?

By abbyade | 21

#6550220 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 9:12

Time to socialise and meet people.

I'm happy for you that this was just a dream and nothing else.

By aliciousness116 | 16

#6550221 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 9:13

Russell Brand

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6550223 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 9:19

Got a lil star struck did ya?