Work: Today, my classmate commented on how quiet I am. I responded... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 277

You deserved it 38

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 498

You deserved it 135

17/12/2014 01:54

Today, my classmate commented on how quiet I am. I responded with, "Well, nobody plots murder out loud," trying to be funny. My teacher tried to get me arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 642

You deserved it 7 788

Mama's boy

Vulture

The more the merrier

13/02/2012 07:09

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 791

You deserved it 5 019

28/06/2013 23:22

Today, a group of friends and I went out to a fancy club together. The doorman checked us out and let everyone in. Everyone except me, that is. The doorman's reason: "Her face looks like a baboon's arse." My "friends" all went in anyway, leaving me to walk all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 912

You deserved it 4 851

12/07/2011 13:26

Today, I saw a turtle on the road so I swerved, and hit a tree. The people behind me then hit the turtle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 540

You deserved it 12 654

19/01/2012 19:45

Today, I spent two hours filling out an online application and questionnaire for a potential employer. The application stated that there were no right or wrong answers and to answer truthfully. I was automatically rejected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 350

You deserved it 5 369

29/08/2015 17:08

Today, I blacked out while hugging my dad. I woke up a minute later on the floor with my dad telling me to, "quit being lazy and get up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 178

You deserved it 1 544

31/08/2019 12:00

Today, I discovered I have narcolepsy. During a driving test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 584

You deserved it 115

12/06/2011 11:46

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill that he sent me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 924

You deserved it 8 035

03/02/2009 21:46

Today, the police called because someone had turned in my wallet that was stolen. I happily drove home only to find that my house had been robbed and ransacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 037

You deserved it 2 174

07/07/2019 06:00

Today, after 10 years of frequent international air travel, I got my seat upgraded for the very first time. Also, for the very first time in 10 years, the airline lost my luggage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 697

You deserved it 110

11/01/2009 16:46

Today, I have a degree in electrical engineering, my wife was doing a crossword and asked me what are the units of capacitance, I couldn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 015

You deserved it 9 060

14/02/2012 18:56

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 344

You deserved it 37 807

Not funny

By Anonymous - 09/10/2015 18:02

Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 071

You deserved it 2 680

25/05/2019 06:13

Today, I called in sick to my job. I'm already on shaky ground there, but I was honestly sick. I happened to call in during the mandatory departmental meeting. Apparently, I was supposed to go in a half-hour early. I called in thirty minutes late, during a required meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 429

You deserved it 1 044

05/06/2013 17:02

Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 849

You deserved it 4 379

On the beat

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 00:02

Today, in my orchestra, I was one of the 2 instruments that starts first. The conductor raised his hands, but while I was waiting for the preparatory beats, I blinked. When I opened my eyes, the conductor had already started. I started late, in front of a thousand people. The conductor is still angry with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 130

You deserved it 501

21/06/2016 05:33

Today, I asked my little cousin if he had a girlfriend if he had a girlfriend. “Yes,“ he said. “Two, but I’m going to keep the one with the biggest boobs.“ He’s 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 252

You deserved it 1 525

16/02/2014 17:22

Today, my boss bitched me out on the sales floor for a good 10 minutes, because I wasn't "smiling the right way" for our customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 966

You deserved it 3 905

03/06/2015 06:03

Today, my roommate bitched me out over my "OCD" driving the water bill up. She takes hour-long showers, but apparently me flushing after peeing "wasteful" and a sign of a neurological disorder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 107

You deserved it 1 996

19/07/2009 13:49

Today, after not seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, he came to meet me at the airport. I was so excited when I first saw him that I broke into a sprint to greet him. Apparently, running through the airport looks suspicious, because a security guard tackled me. Now I have a broken nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 273

You deserved it 7 591

07/03/2017 11:00

Spicy

Today, I was working at the pharmacy and had a older man come in. He was buying Viagra and, by law, we are required to ask if the patient had any questions. His lovely response was, "When you coming over so I can test this stuff out?" His wife and daughter thought it was hilarious. I could've died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 675

You deserved it 610

13/11/2010 21:45

Today, my boyfriend told me I was the only girl he'd ever text, call, or flirt with again. Later on he told two other girls exactly the same thing on Facebook, not realizing that everybody can read wall messages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 730

You deserved it 3 734

Almost done

By Anonymous - 09/04/2013 04:59

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick." One more year… FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 482

You deserved it 3 423

25/02/2010 17:44

Spicy

Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple pages, I saw my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 089

You deserved it 2 837

Road hog

By DanJames24 - 10/10/2021 07:00

Today, a girl seemed to be tailgating me while I was driving home. I ended up letting her past as I didn’t like it, so I pulled into the next petrol station. She did too, so I thought I’d ask her why she was tailgating me. She asked what I was going to do about it, before kneeing me in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 066

You deserved it 206

Piece of piss

By DogeToTheMoon - 29/05/2021 23:01

Today, I wanted to either say, "I already did it, sweetheart" or "I already did it, baby" to my SO, but my brain had other plans. I started to say ,“I already did it, sweet baby” but I got to "sweet" and in a millisecond mentally switched words, so what I ended up saying was, "I already did it sweet peepee." FML

I agree, your life sucks 677

You deserved it 245

13/08/2010 16:14

Today, I was at the pool with two boys I baby sit. The eldest wouldn't get out of the pool so I pretended to call his dad. He then ran out of the pool, pushed me down, grabbed my phone, chucked it into the pool and then ran back into the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 425

You deserved it 9 706

Manage this

By fuck this company - 14/06/2021 07:01

Today, the same manager who wrote me up for missing work when my mom had had a stroke, thought it was perfectly acceptable to announce she was leaving work 6 hours early to take her dogs to the groomers. Apparently, that appointment was more urgent than me riding in an ambulance with my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 101

You deserved it 39

26/02/2012 04:09

Today, I decided to take a peek in my fiancé's vow book to see how far he's got. The only thing in there was the lyrics to a song from the movie Shrek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 074

You deserved it 28 441

24/04/2014 06:57

Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 912

You deserved it 7 733

26/05/2016 10:04

Today, my neighbor kindly set off a bed bug fogger rather than getting an exterminator, which we'd even offered to help him pay for. We have baseboard heating in our condo building. Guess where the parasites crawled to now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 913

You deserved it 823

Own it

By annie - 26/05/2021 10:57

Today, when I stepped on the scale this morning, I broke it. Now my family won’t stop making fun of me and calling me names like "chubby" and "fatso". The scale was really old and I weigh 110 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 320

You deserved it 175

18/03/2012 07:07

Today, a bunch of my friends have been accepted to various colleges while I've been denied to the past 5. To cheer me up, my mom drove me to McDonald's. While we were in the drive-thru, she asked them if they had any job openings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 130

You deserved it 5 192

05/08/2009 13:37

Today, I was sitting on the bus next to a hot guy who was texting. I sneaked a peek at his phone to see if he was texting a girl so I could know if he was single. As I looked at his screen, he turned it towards me and typed in caps "STOP BEING A CREEPER." He got out of his seat and off the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 849

You deserved it 86 565

What hell, lady?

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 08:00

Today, my friend wasn't responding to my whispers in the library, so I walked over and very slightly moved his chair. At that exact moment, the librarian walked in. Regardless of our efforts to tell her anything, she got us banned from the library. FML

I agree, your life sucks 616

You deserved it 244

Stabbed!

By Sarah - 19/03/2021 22:01

Today, I had to convince policemen I’m not a victim of domestic abuse after I had to go to hospital for a stab wound for the second time since Xmas. I’m just hopelessly clumsy. I managed to stab myself with a screwdriver while opening a paint tin. Last time, it was a knitting needle while knitting Xmas jumpers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 142

31/05/2016 15:30

Today, I fell down the stairs while holding some dirty glasses from my room. I ended up pulling pieces of glass from my body. Meanwhile all my mom cares about is the fact that I broke three of her favorite glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 169

You deserved it 1 812

25/10/2009 04:38

Today, I went on a date with a girl that I really like. I picked her up from her house, and as I was pulling out of her driveway, I hit her dad's BMW, knocking off the bumper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 920

You deserved it 29 852

02/04/2015 18:47

Today, I found out where my stolen car was. It was all the way in Maine. I live in Ohio and I got a $300 fine for illegal parking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 515

You deserved it 2 114

10/09/2012 12:48

Today, while trying to change my visiting cousin's opinion about our state being "redneck and white trash", we stumbled upon a proposal/celebration in a Walmart. So much for changing her opinion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 844

You deserved it 3 964

Poot

By dumblonde76 - 14/09/2021 07:00

Today, I had a rumble in my tummy whilst picking up groceries. I tried to let out a little poot, but ended up shitting in my pants. I had to leave without the groceries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 329

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 11:50

I think that's a funny response for an unnecessary comment from your classmate. Seems to me your teacher overreacted; most of my teachers when I was in school would've laughed that off. Sorry OP!

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 11:48

You shall have your revenge...?

Comments

Wednesday 17 December 2014 11:44

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 12:23

It was a very clever joke! The quietest people always have the most creative minds ;)

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 16:07

The teacher completely killed OP's joke when it was obviously sarcasm.

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 18:14

@13 That joke was on iFunny. This is hilarious that someone used it in real life!

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 22:12

Probably not your smartest comment #1.

reneetlovesyou 30

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 23:31

@36, it started on Tumblr, got featured on iFunny, and now it's on FML. The circle of life continues xD

Send a private message

Friday 19 December 2014 20:27

Maybe not smart to say to the teacher but freakin' hilarious!!!

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 11:48

You shall have your revenge...?

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 11:50

I think that's a funny response for an unnecessary comment from your classmate. Seems to me your teacher overreacted; most of my teachers when I was in school would've laughed that off. Sorry OP!

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 19:18

Yeah, it's a shame they have to take that stuff so seriously these days. Wll that, or someone has no sense of humor

Send a private message

Thursday 18 December 2014 17:19

I loved it. Brilliant comeback and if I were there i would have laughed. I agree that it was unnecessary to make that initial comment in the first place. The teacher clearly overreacted..

ob81 8

Send a private message

Saturday 20 December 2014 18:09

? It may be wrong to invoke common sense on a fml comment, but this stuff is no joke in an age where these kids are making bombs and killing children in school. If the teacher did nothing and this person was serious, people would be threatening this teachers life after an incident. Jokes like this are out of place in a school just like bomb jokes are out of place in airports.

604 11

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 11:52

What were you thinking!? Oh yeah; you were plotting a murder. My bad!

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 11:52

Not defending anyone but currently the world is in a mess and everyone should be a little more vigilant; but not over sensitive

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 23:47

Murder rates have been decreasing for the last 20 years in the U.S, so have rates of pretty much all other violent crimes. The murder rate today is less than half what it was in 1991 at it's peak. Why should we be more vigilant about it now than we used to be?

DArthurVaderian 18

Send a private message

Thursday 18 December 2014 5:12

Because the media now makes it more obvious, and our world is sensitive now unfortunately

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 11:53

That's to bad. When someone tells me that I always say you learn a lot more by listening and keeping your mouth shut!

MzZombicidal 36

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 12:00

Well with the bad news of school shootings and whatnot maybe your teacher's just a bit nervous when it comes to comments like that. I'd say be careful when you're in his/her class from now on. /: Sorry your joke got taken so seriously, OP!

Send a private message

Thursday 18 December 2014 1:00

Yeah but tbf he wouldn't have said what he did, had he actually planned to do that lol

Send a private message

Thursday 18 December 2014 1:26

You never know. Some kid posted a video of himself talking about what he was going to do before he went on campus and started shooting at women.

Exodiafinder687 58

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 12:00

So mute people can talk. They're just too busy planning a lot of murders.

Vegetarian27 24

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 12:03

In all fairness, you are in the States, and you lot have a tendency to lose your shit and shoot up schools every couple of months. But I also think the teacher was overreacting, because as you said, few people plot murder out loud.

Send a private message

Thursday 18 December 2014 15:01

School shootings aren't so common, the media just blows them up.

Send a private message

Wednesday 17 December 2014 12:05

Love what you said. Absolutely brilliant the perfect thing to say when someone asks that question... im stealing this I will now be waiting in silence waiting on one of my Co workers to ask this on my Christmas night out on Saturday just to say this.