Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML
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Top comments
By
bengermin
| 5
Props on introducing "asscricket" to the vernacular, though!
By
MelissaRoo2
| 6
You should smear it on his car.
COMMENTS
By
FitForFun
| 11
Sounds like a very crappy time.
Reply
hutch66
| 13
Asscricket? What does that even mean?
Reply
xXUND3ADcityXx
| 0
That was a shitty joke -.-
Reply
GodPart2
| 20
You should have taken a photo / video of him doing that and gone to the police with a complaint of trespassing!
Reply
BunchieRules
| 31
27 - Or vandalism. Or if OP saw this as a threat, maybe even assault. That could work as well.
Reply
ALpein
| 0
When I see poop outside, I immideately call the police for assult.
Reply
ImmaB3AST
| 7
May you enlighten me on what an assult is?
I'm not familiar with that term.
I'm not familiar with that term.
Reply
TourettesGuyFTW
| 25
37, an assult is an assault where the ass is used as the primary weapon. In this case, its contents. Smeared. Yuck.
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_Oblivion_
| 12
lol asscricket
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BunchieRules
| 31
34 - Well, when you put it that way... what I meant was, if the boyfriend's crazy enough to do that, who knows what's next?
Reply
Pogox
| 5
I saw a dog being arrested for assault once, after shitting on someone's porch...
Reply
Synistiel
| 14
37- May you enlighten me on what a B3AST is? I'm not familiar with that term.
Reply
DynamicDave
| 11
I have no idea what the hell an asscricket is, but it's my new favorite insult. Provided I can say it with a straight face.
Reply
zander4310
| 5
not punny
By
MelissaRoo2
| 6
You should smear it on his car.
Reply
alphaskater09
| 9
Don't smear shit on his car OP. Be mature about it and clean it up. If he does anything like that again take a picture. Im not exactly sure if you can call the cops on him but I would assume you could because that is technically vandalism.
Reply
nevershoutkendal_fml
| 10
It's dog poop. And unless OP is dating a dog, I doubt the DNA is his.
Reply
SS
| 31
#78 They would already know where he lives because OP would know, so it would be easy to catch him.
Reply
alphaskater09
| 9
Thanks for the thumbs down. Not exactly sure what I said to deserve that but ok.
Reply
Slender_Man
| 6
45- this is fml. No one on here is mature.
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Addyy_
| 5
97 - Never comment asking why you got thumbed down, you'll just get thumbed down again.
Reply
zandalee
| 19
I am actually concerned about OP's ex. He sounds psychotic, possessive and unhinged!
I recommend getting a big male, friend/family member to threaten him with violence if he doesn't stay the fuck away from OP.
Today dogshit, tomorrow full time stalker..?
I recommend getting a big male, friend/family member to threaten him with violence if he doesn't stay the fuck away from OP.
Today dogshit, tomorrow full time stalker..?
By
skyeyez9
| 24
I hope you called the cops on him instead of just watching him finger paint with shit and leave. Too bad it isn't legal to slam a baseball bat to his knees.
Reply
aro2471
| 0
Technically it is. It would be considered trespassing so they can attack him
Reply
TazInYourPantz
| 13
I believe that's in America, no?
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gracehi
| 31
Yes, in most states in America you can use deadly force against anyone who trespasses into your home. Not sure if it would apply here though since the asscricket was just on the property and not actually in her house. It would really depend on what state this took place. Then again, I don't know where this took place since I can't see it on my app. For all I know, this could have happened outside the US.
Reply
andrewcollins
| 8
It was in Canada
Reply
Shrike
| 22
Even in the US, you can't just shoot someone for walking onto your porch, even if they are spreading dog shit on it. You need reasonable cause. God help you people if you ever try murdering someone like that.
Reply
nevershoutkendal_fml
| 10
That's not legal?! Whoops...
Reply
_Oblivion_
| 12
No trespassing signs maybe?
Reply
TheSnakeDoctor20
| 17
65- in the state I live in it, if you warn them first and they don't leave, you can shoot them.
Reply
hunterfisher98
| 8
In the US the only time you are allowed to use deadly force, ( at least in Pennsylvania ) is when you believe that your life is being threatened. So if this was in the states, OP could not simply go and smack the asscricket in the shins with a baseball bat. However this is Canada, so I have no idea about the laws pertaining to trespassing and destruction of property there.
Reply
rainbowglass
| 5
In Canada, if a man tries to rob you at home, and you use physical force on him, he can sue you. Not a good idea to attack. The best you can do is go to the police with hard evidence.
By
bengermin
| 5
Props on introducing "asscricket" to the vernacular, though!
Reply
EnterSandman_fml
| 20
Yeah, I can definitely think of quite a few uses for the term asscricket. It shall fit quite well in my insult repertoire along with fuckball, shitbird, grand marshall of the idiot parade, etcetera.
Reply
VorpikeII
| 17
Enlist KaySL to help you fill your insult vocabulary. She is great at it. You guys could probably compile a FML insult book together.
Reply
freshprizzle1
| 13
Have you ever tried using the term "peniswrinkle"?
Reply
SilverTears14
| 5
I like to use "douche nozzle".
Reply
alphaskater09
| 9
I like to use the term "fuck nugget"
Reply
hurrican_fml
| 0
Ever tried shit bucket?
Reply
ajeppsen
| 25
I like sperm farm
Reply
PeeNaught
| 3
Right...I totally laughed my ass off...ass cricket, I'm totally going to use that and the fact that OP is a chick makes it way more awesome cuz usually it's the male calling a chick something like that...
Reply
Blurry_1
| 0
How about "cocksore"
Reply
Roythetickler
| 21
There is always penis breath
By
Dodge4x4Ram
| 46
well fuck you too
Reply
dylanmellark101
| 5
NOOOO. F U
Reply
biglittlehead
| 12
No! Fuck me!
Wait that isn't right?
Wait that isn't right?
Reply
ryry013
| 6
Guys.... look at the name of the FML poster
Reply
biglittlehead
| 12
I thought 7's comment was pretty obvious.
Reply
Luunatic
| 13
You must be the ex.
By
KBeatz
| 5
This is why you need a paintball gun to take to his car and/or shoot him while he's on your property outside your window.
Reply
Sandman366
| 6
Don't load it with paint, though. There is ammo much more appropriate.
Reply
BenL97
| 5
Marbles!
By
saIty
| 17
Go an extra level psycho to get rid of him. Cut off his balls, glue them to his chin, and call him Peter Griffin.
Reply
JustTemporary
| 24
Ball Chinian? (dunno how that'd be spelled)
Reply
MrThew
| 0
No, this is Patrick..
By
bones_17
| 5
Haha who the bitch nowww!!
By
DocBastard
| 38
Where I come from that's how people propose marriage. Congratulations on your engagement!
I'm buying you a blender.
I'm buying you a blender.
Reply
lepuppykicker
| 15
I'm buying them a pooper scooper.
Reply
ImmaB3AST
| 7
Doc, you seem to get involved in weddings a lot. You should really have a part time catering business. I'm sure you'd be excellent for the job.
Reply
Qandol
| 26
I agree with #20, extra money wouldn't hurt:)
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VorpikeII
| 17
Maybe he should just become the priest. Then people would be able to consult him on the many ways in which you can marry someone from Doc's country.
By
bewareimannoyed
| 13
Sounds like a very classy man.