Today, my cat threw up on the floor while I was taking a nap.... - FML

By Megan Snair - 1/9/2019 04:01

Today, my cat threw up on the floor while I was taking a nap. I woke up, still groggy from the nap, and walked over to the bathroom. Not only did I slip on the vomit, spreading it all over the floor and myself, I think I somehow broke a toe in the process. FML

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Doomed

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 01:27 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got laid off. Walking out of the building, I saw someone on crutches and thought, "Hey, at least I can still walk." Two hours later, I blew out my knee playing basketball. FML

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By bluesox4 - 6/2/2012 05:50 - United States

Today, I found out that the only thing worse than a psycho, overbearing, controlling girlfriend is a psycho, overbearing and controlling ex-girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 22:24 - Canada - Sackville

Today, my crazy drug-addict mother kicked me out of the house after siding with my crazy, drug-addict aunt, who'd just threatened to slit my throat. FML

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By cheddar - 20/7/2011 22:17 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling great. I opened up the blinds and looked out from my window just in time to see a man ripping my mailbox from the ground and sprinting away with it. FML

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By KmartFart - 4/10/2009 16:25 - United States

Today, I had a surprise birthday party for my mom who turned 57. About an hour into the party, I look over at my mom and she was grinding all over my best friend while holding a bottle of tequila in her hand, and a pair of leopard skin panties hanging out of her pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML

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By magicalDEATH - 19/1/2010 17:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 14:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I got on the train with my bike, leaning it up against the wall. After a while, it began to slide down the wall and wobble, so I dashed out to catch it. As I ran for it, I slipped and crashed into it, knocking it into an old man and busting the rear brake. FML

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By random person - 9/7/2013 17:51 - United States

Today, I finally got my laptop back after my friend broke it a few weeks ago. As I walked back into our place with my laptop in my bag, the same friend burst out and tackled me. My bag fell and slammed into the floor. Guess who has to pay for another repair. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2012 23:02 - United States - Queen Creek

Today, I discovered that my 12-year-old son has secretly been printing out and selling copies of the suggestive photos from my camera that I'd taken for my husband. He's been selling them to kids at school for a dollar each. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2019 20:48

Today, I'd finished cleaning the interior of my vehicle, but seconds later, a stray cat jumped in through the other opened door, and took a dump right in the center of the mat inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 15:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a new Ipod to replace my old one which decided to stop working. After purchasing my new nano Ipod, I decided to bang my old Ipod on the desk very hard because it was useless. It started working again. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 19:12 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML

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By wormiformed - 3/10/2015 04:14 - New Zealand

Today, I had an emergency appendectomy, so I texted my boss to let him know about the situation. He replied that it'd be good for my continued employment prospects if I come into work tomorrow. FML

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By Good_old_Grim - 15/10/2009 13:51 - Latvia

Today, I stumbled upon my girlfriend's Twitter account that I didn't know existed. A recent entry states that living with me is pathetic; "it's just that the current economical situation doesn't leave her with many options." FML

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By anon - 13/1/2016 02:41 - United States

Today, I was eating at a diner one of my friends from work recommended to me. I ordered a chicken salad sandwich, which was pretty good despite the used bandaid in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2013 19:28 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I took my driving test. As I was about to turn at a green light, a car sped toward us from the other direction, running a red light. My instructor failed me because I stopped to avoid getting rammed. Apparently I should have kept going, because it was my right of way. FML

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By Caught - 11/11/2010 13:34 - United States

Today, I was in the car hooking up with my boyfriend. He was on top of me when I noticed my neighbor jogging toward the car. Instead of hiding, I felt compelled to wave as he jogged past us. FML

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By ladyofzanarkand - 25/5/2018 20:30

He doesn't even go here!

Today, I had my high school piano recital. The entire time I was playing, one of my classmates sitting up front kept booing me and yelling "YOU SUCK" at the top of his lungs. He drowned out the entire song. FML

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By ugh - 1/12/2015 03:52 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

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By stupid - 7/7/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 12:10 - Norway

Today, I'm travelling to England for an important meeting. I'm Norwegian, and my name is Bård. I have to introduce myself as bored the whole day, because that's how my name is pronounced. FML

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By trackdaddy - 2/5/2017 09:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, my dad came to take pictures of me at my track meet. When looking back at the photos, I noticed most of them were zoomed in shots of the girls' butts in their spandex. FML

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By God,NotAgain,Please - 15/4/2017 19:00 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I re-sat an expensive exam I'd flunked 6 months previously. The same impossible multiple choice questions appeared, which I'd been unable to find the answers to, even with all my textbooks and the internet. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 14:00

Oddly specific thief

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My steering wheel. FML

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By person_r - 21/7/2009 12:03 - Norway

Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML

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By kittenfish8903 - 6/10/2014 19:46 - United States

Today, while cuddling in bed with my drunk boyfriend, he kissed me softly then told me under no circumstances would he ever marry me. Then kissed me again. FML

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By ouchbrow - 10/8/2013 21:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my hair done. The hairdresser managed to catch my eyebrow piercing in his comb and almost rip it out. I now look like I have a gunshot wound on the upper right hand side of my face. I'm getting married in a matter of hours, and I still had to pay £100 for the hair cut. FML

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By zoe777 - 9/11/2013 02:54 - United States

Today, my mother not only told me that my ex-husband will be spending Thanksgiving with her and my dad, but that I'm also no longer invited to spend the holiday with my family. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 13:43 - United States - Romulus

Today, in calculus, our substitute teacher told me I was smart. Everybody in the class, including my friends, burst out laughing. FML

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By Fat Jon - 29/10/2015 19:43 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I went to a costume contest as Jon Snow from Game of Thrones. I won, which was nice, until I was told that the only flaws in my "Samwell Tarly" outfit were my long hair and wrong sword. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2013 19:08 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML

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By mhogan - 10/3/2020 21:00 - Canada

The Laws of Attraction

Today, I was skiing and crashed into a tree. It was the only tree on the slope. FML

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By Anna - 28/3/2012 01:08 - United States

Today, it's my twenty first birthday. My biggest birthday surprise was discovering that I'm alcohol intolerant, by vomiting my first beer all over my boyfriend's mother. FML

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By maddie - 15/5/2020 05:00

Gross

Today, while I was working the drive-thru window, a customer sneezed into his hand and then handed me his money. FML

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By sexual parrot - 21/4/2014 18:42

Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2016 14:56 - France - Brunoy

Today, I accidentally left my bedroom light on all day. When I got home, my mum screamed at me for wasting electricity. This is the same woman who leaves the TV on all day while she’s at work, all so our dogs have something to watch and won't be “bored”. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, in the bathroom during the ACTs, my hair got stuck in the electric hand dryer. I had to rip my hair out. For future reference, hair + hand dryer = dreadlocks. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2015 15:02 - Australia - Mangerton

Today, while camping, I was given the sex talk, along with visuals created with marshmallows and a roasting fork. FML

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By howard1954 - 8/6/2015 15:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found the courage to tell my parents about my boyfriend. They reacted by simply lecturing me for an hour about how much he'll ruin my life and how much they don't like him. They haven't met him yet. FML

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Top comments

By Mark W. Noonan_969479943 | 4

#7839009 - Monday 2 September 2019 2:43

Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 I’m Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 really sorry that happened. But you are not the only one that’s done that. Try CAT diarrhea. OMG the Stench 🤢🤮. Well anyway. I Would much rather cat vomit than cat Diarrhea.

COMMENTS

By Mark W. Noonan_969479943 | 4

#7839009 - Monday 2 September 2019 2:43

Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 I’m Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 Ha! 😂 really sorry that happened. But you are not the only one that’s done that. Try CAT diarrhea. OMG the Stench 🤢🤮. Well anyway. I Would much rather cat vomit than cat Diarrhea.