Animals: Today, my cat let out the biggest moan I have ever heard, while... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 230

You deserved it 26

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 491

You deserved it 133

15/12/2014 16:07

Today, my cat let out the biggest moan I have ever heard, while we were both in the living room. My dad heard and accused me of watching porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 454

You deserved it 3 217

Our house, in the middle of our street

Vulture

Triage

03/12/2015 05:50

Today, while at a fast food restaurant, I wanted to wash my hands. The restrooms were locked, so a cashier got the key and opened the men's restroom. This would have been fine if I wasn't a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 165

You deserved it 2 110

04/05/2013 00:39

Today, I was at dance rehearsal. As a male dancer I like to keep the fact that I dance a secret because of the stupid stereotypes male dancers have. This plan was quickly shot down when I discovered I was performing at my school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 133

You deserved it 5 940

06/08/2011 05:53

Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 552

You deserved it 3 805

14/03/2009 02:57

Today, I got a letter saying I was no longer a student at my college and my current work is void since I had ignored and refused to pay my tuition bill. Over the past month I've been deleting these pesky emails saying 'FINAL WARNING regarding payment' thinking it was more spam. They weren't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 225

You deserved it 140 031

29/08/2011 05:15

Today, while at my boyfriend's cousin's birthday party, I was hanging around with his sister as I didn't know anyone. She was talking to some friends when one of them asked her, "So, is your brother still going out with that crazy chick?" Her answer was to introduce me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 392

You deserved it 4 338

02/08/2010 05:05

Today, I finally finished painting a house that took me 3 weeks to complete at 10 hours a day, including weekends, due to my dedication to perfection. When I went to meet with the homeowner for pay day, which was supposed to be $2000, he gave me $200, 5 tacos and then told me to "get the f*** off my lawn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 795

You deserved it 5 468

13/09/2010 00:10

Today, I was asked to crawl through a sun roof because one of my co workers locked her keys in her car. After I got the keys, instead of opening the car door, I climbed back out through the sun roof. To laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 394

You deserved it 42 347

Cart Narcs will get ya!

By May - 10/01/2021 20:01

Today, my dad forced me to leave my empty shopping cart in the middle of a store, rather than return it to the corral. My dad’s word is law, and all I can think about is how much of an asshole I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 176

25/11/2018 15:30

Today, I realized it isn’t my 5-month-old son who has the issue sleeping without me, it is I who cannot sleep without him. This is his first night in his crib and I can’t fall asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 578

You deserved it 610

Mother of the year

By Atypical - 02/03/2021 02:01

Today, after a lifetime of struggles, I was finally officially diagnosed with ADHD. Thanks to years of ridicule, punishments, humiliation and even beatings over something I literally could not control, I also have terrible depression and anxiety. My mom still thinks I’m making it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 949

You deserved it 177

19/03/2013 17:39

Today, I finally made the connection between people in my apartment building flushing their toilets, and my running shower water becoming scalding hot. This wouldn't be quite as bad if there weren't six floors to the building, with twenty units on each. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 219

You deserved it 2 606

12/04/2011 04:08

Today, I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend for the 5th time. She still hasn't got the hint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 040

You deserved it 12 390

14/02/2010 14:21

Today, I realized that the "pimples" on my back weren't pimples at all. Because I was unable to see how bad they were for the last week, I never caught on to the fact the they were, in fact, ticks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 168

You deserved it 6 750

23/05/2013 13:45

Today, one of my closest friends informed me that she wasn't going to invite me to her wedding, because I'm too shy and not enough fun, and she doesn't want her 200 or so guests to feel uncomfortable. I was the one who set the happy couple up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 514

You deserved it 4 284

16/12/2011 21:13

Today, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed. One side of my face is completely swollen, and the other is normal. I feel like the elephant man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 833

You deserved it 4 215

05/03/2009 07:24

Today, it was my birthday. I set up a dinner party for 20 of my closest friends. I arrived at the restaurant, fully dressed and everything. When I got there, I thought everyone was ready to surprise me, but instead, nobody showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103 971

You deserved it 6 903

01/07/2011 08:49

Spicy

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 157

You deserved it 4 538

01/04/2015 17:46

Today, a coworker and I pulled a April Fools' joke on our boss. She "borrowed" his keys and rolled down his window. I took a car window from a scrap yard and sprinkled it on the ground near his door. His response was to kick the nearest object in anger. The nearest object happened to be my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 205

You deserved it 11 496

Nice

By happypineapple - 17/07/2014 03:31

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 626

You deserved it 19 848

23/11/2011 17:03

Today, I came home from a weekend trip with some friends, and walked straight in on my girlfriend cheating on me. She burst into tears and began apologizing. Her exact words were "I'm so sorry! I thought you were coming back tomorrow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 250

You deserved it 3 062

05/06/2009 21:42

Today, I found the source of the bad smell that has been plaguing me for the past two weeks in my apartment. The police knocked on my door asking if I've seen my neighbor recently. I haven't. The smell has been that of a dead person. It's a smell that even Febreze can't remove. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 024

You deserved it 5 178

15/07/2012 00:22

Today, my mother screamed at my brother for ages for playing a Nicki Minaj music video. She said it's "terrible, demonic garbage" that'll get us "spitroasted in Hell". I don't even disagree with the first part, but she does this kind of thing every single day when I get home from my night job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 170

You deserved it 2 424

11/10/2009 05:09

Today, it was my 19th birthday. My boss let me out early to celebrate. On my way home I was hit by a man doing 65 in a 40mph stretch of road. My car was completely destroyed. I spent the rest of my birthday sitting in the ER being treated for a pinched shoulder nerve and whiplash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 745

You deserved it 2 531

21/12/2010 16:18

Spicy

Today, my 14 year-old son sent a broadcast on my blackberry saying ''I'm a young gay man looking for some fun!'' to all my contacts as a joke. What he didn't know was that it's my work phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 754

You deserved it 5 631

05/09/2011 14:55

Today, my GPS told me that I'd reached my destination. In the middle of the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 852

You deserved it 5 327

21/01/2011 22:50

Today, my boyfriend's mother who lives with us decided that since I work from home, it would be a good idea for her to stay home and keep me company. "Keeping me company" includes ordering me to make her food, gossiping non stop, and ridiculing me for not being the woman that she always saw her son marrying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 858

You deserved it 3 600

17/01/2010 12:20

Today, I woke up with a pillow under my t-shirt. Turns out my boyfriend wanted to 'see if I would look hot even when pregnant'. We've been dating for three weeks now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 179

You deserved it 5 197

06/12/2013 18:15

Today, I got on the bus. Before I could make it to a free seat, the driver hit the gas, and the sudden movement caused me to stumble and accidentally grab onto another passenger for support. She didn't appreciate this, accused me of molesting her, and got me thrown back off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 125

You deserved it 2 987

01/10/2010 22:12

Spicy

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 822

You deserved it 46 185

25/03/2011 00:43

Today, I got a call from my 8 year old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 532

You deserved it 8 687

17/01/2017 20:00

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go to the bathroom in my dorm. After coming out of the bathroom, I realized I'd let my auto-locking door close behind me. I had to go through the whole dorm, sprint across campus in my bra and underwear, and ask someone for my spare key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 327

You deserved it 1 848

11/10/2013 22:44

Today, I had horrible morning sickness, but being starving, I had some canned soup. My husband soon came into the room and commented on how the leeks in the soup looked like chunks of vomit. The visual caused me to vomit all over the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 064

You deserved it 3 414

28/12/2011 17:03

Today, in the spirit of Christmas, I let a spider live in my room. I normally kill them, because I'm scared of waking up with one on my face. I woke up with it on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 798

You deserved it 23 565

27/09/2014 02:46

Today, I'm sick with the worst head cold of my life. For some reason whenever I cough, I also fart. Everyone thinks I'm just trying to cover up flatulence with fake coughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 031

You deserved it 3 492

31/12/2009 05:02

Today, I ate a chocolate bar before getting my morning coffee. While waiting for it, a good looking guy starts talking to me, then suddenly loses interest. Afterwards, I see the chocolate on my face in my car mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 367

You deserved it 21 940

Justice for Doggy Boy the dog!

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 16:01

Today, I hate my wife’s dog. It destroys everything in the house, it destroys my garden, she barks constantly in her bed, and when I walk her she tries to attack every living thing she sees, but the instant I talk to my wife about her behaviour, I get yelled at for being mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 011

You deserved it 134

Alexa, play "Living Doll" by Cliff Richard

By Anonymous - 28/05/2020 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend dumped me out of nowhere, supposedly because I act like he's nothing but a sex doll. We've been dating 6 weeks and have had sex twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 623

You deserved it 173

27/12/2013 21:49

Today, I discovered the real reason my husband was distraught last week and has been acting moodily ever since. An attractive girl he was secretly having sex chats with online confessed to him that "she" was actually a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 744

You deserved it 4 557

13/03/2009 07:27

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my best friend that I've had a crush on him since our junior year. Since I couldn't see him I shot him a text. His response: "Yeah I know. I've tried kind of ignoring it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 489

You deserved it 7 755

Dreamweaver

By Anonymous - 09/02/2021 08:01

Today, I woke up with a scream of pain to find the reason I've had so many realistic dreams lately: my boyfriend has been messing with me in my sleep because he thinks my reactions are funny. For instance, when he pinched me today, I experienced a very realistic wasp sting in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 231

You deserved it 93

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:24

Sounds like your dad has a guilty conscious

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:27

How does a cat moan sound the same to a human moan? That's what I want to know

Comments

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:24

Sounds like your dad has a guilty conscious

JuliaaNoelle 26

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:52

#3, I think #1 meant that if OP's dad jumps straight to that conclusion, he must be guilty of watching porn.

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 2:14

Well someone knows a pussy when they here one..

jenninator93 18

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 5:22

#13 let's be real... who isn't "guilty" of watching porn? Everyone does it, nothing wrong with it as long as it doesn't turn into a literal addiction.

RedPillSucks 31

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 7:28

while i agree that theres nothing wrong with it in moderation, not "everybody" does it.

TrippingOnAcid 29

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 16:36

Conscious and conscience are two different things

cre8tvlylicnsd 14

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Wednesday 17 December 2014 1:20

I think your cat set you up, OP. She probably walked away with a smirk because her plan came into fruition.

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Wednesday 17 December 2014 4:42

a rather astute observation for one so young. you are going places others will not understand.

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:26

He probably was just mad that he can't et anything to moan with him in the room. Besides everyone knows you watch porn in the kitchen when people are home not in the living room.

Adeptus_Astartes 22

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:37

Hmm, so that wasn't just mayonnaise I wiped off the floor, was it?

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:27

How does a cat moan sound the same to a human moan? That's what I want to know

Erebus_Terror 12

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 0:00

I see you have never been in touch with cats in heat.

cherry_popper69 11

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 0:42

Or maybe #4's first thought wasn't "can't wait to see what my cats moan sounds like"

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 5:44

Porn stars don't sound the same as a human moan either

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 5:49

Only you would know that

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:29

that's some loud house pussy cat you got their

Norja 33

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 0:09

There*

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:31

Your dad has heard some weird ass moans

Exodiafinder687 58

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 6:07

"Ass moans?" I always just called them farts.

RedPillSucks 31

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 7:29

*giggle

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:34

Cat porn?

loloalltheway 23

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:34

No I swear it was the cat! - not a believable excuse.

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:36

Either your dad is stupid or he was right and you were watching porn

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Tuesday 16 December 2014 1:16

Or the cat moaned and that's why this is an FML.

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:41

Cat porn? Ironic my name is MrFluff. Watching me maybe?

ToastedSyrup 16

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Monday 15 December 2014 23:51

"We" being your dad and yourself or you and the cat?