Today, my car got a flat tire. I jacked up my car, removed the... - FML

By jacked - United States

Today, my car got a flat tire. I jacked up my car, removed the flat and went to get my spare out of the trunk. Where my spare is supposed to be I found a note. It said "You're a bitch - John". John is my ex boyfriend. He borrowed my car the day we broke up, apparently he stole my spare tire too. FML

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Healthy relationship

Ideal first date

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By Dying Whale

Today, I tried singing in front of my friend. She said, "That's a hilarious voice! You should use that voice when telling jokes!" FML

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By fedexed - United States

Today, I brought my lunch to work in the only box I had lying around my apartment - a small one from FedEx. When I went to the bathroom before lunch, I returned to my desk to find that one of my coworkers had mailed my lunch back to my apartment. FML

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By OhGeez - Canada

Today, I got hypnotized at my school's variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML

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By grace - United States - New York

Today, I had to ride in the back seat of a car, next to a large, hyperactive dog who experiences nervous bowel movements. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. To celebrate, I spent the day with her and then took her out to a really nice dinner. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because I didn't write "happy birthday" on her Facebook wall. FML

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By hgirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he watched True Life I'm Pregnant. Now I know why we haven't been having sex. FML

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By fml9124 - 21/12/2019 05:00

New urinal

Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink like a urinal. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the main cause of my recent boost in anxiety is in fact the amount of debt that going to a therapist in the first place has put me in. I guess he did help me find the main cause of my emotional issues. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 20:03

Tidy your room

Today, I woke up and stepped on a wet jacket. After smelling what it was, it turns out the cat had peed all over my laundry, especially the waterproof jacket, and after attempting to clean it up, it dripped everywhere and the entire apartment now smells like cat piss now. FML

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By SomeGuyInNY - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, I volunteered to tend bar at a friend's charity event. I was called incompetent and had a drink thrown at me for stirring a martini instead of shaking "like they do in James Bond". I've been tending bar for 30 years and have never had a drink thrown at me before. FML

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By CassidyQueen - United States - Warrenton

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

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By Morgan - United States

Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found it under my bed asleep when I got home. FML

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By Tomato

Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where there are tons of black lights. Under the glow, I realized in horror that an old semen stain could be seen on my shorts. Praying no one saw, or realized what it was. FML

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By has-evil-friends - United Kingdom

Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML

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By Luke - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered how my ex-girlfriend exacted her revenge. Every item of clothing I own now has sequins. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML

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By daniel55 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML

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By Dor51 - United States - Tacoma

Today, we found out that my unborn sibling is a girl, and my parents quickly named her. In a few years' time, "Candida" is going to catch all kinds of shit at school, just like I do for being named Dorothy. My "friends" have already started calling me "lil' yeast infection's sis". FML

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By awkward drunk - Canada

Today, while trying to act sober in front of my parents when I got home, I threw up on my mom's shoe. FML

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By blah. - Thailand

Today, my shrink diagnosed me as severely depressive, due to a lot of stress and yells at home. After the session, my parents argued about whose fault it was and then went on to yell at me for being depressive and wasting their money. FML

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By alsayslegit - United States

Today, I was at a party, and I sat down on a chair. While conversing with friends, I shifted places on the chair, and broke it. Embarrassed, I then stood up and change chairs. After moving to the next chair, I broke that one too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked out this girl I've been spending a lot of time with lately. She told me she was only hanging out with me because she thought I was gay and wouldn't try to get in her pants. FML

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By TukTuk - Germany - Weinb?hla

Today, I spent an hour painstakingly disassembling my antique mirror after discovering a stack of papers behind the back board. I finally got hold of one corner, and pulled out - a newspaper from 2007 and instructions for an IKEA bed. FML

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By anonomous - United States

Today, it looks like I may have an STD. My fiancé and his friends went to Vegas two months ago. He says he's been completely faithful. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Turns out that's not quite true. FML

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By stephanie

Today, my husband tried to use his "grief" over his grandmother's death to manipulate me into giving him a blowjob. In the toilets. During the funeral. With his family only a few yards down the hall crying their eyes out. What an asshole I married. An absolute asshole. FML

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By valerie - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, "Oh my god, just stop it already." FML

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By noway - France - Cholet

Today, my French wife chose the name of our unborn baby girl. She wants to call her Fanny and won't change her mind. FML

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By married to a nerd

Today, I asked my 4-year-old daughter where her father went. She said, "Out to have fun with Zoe." Acting on suspicion, I followed him and did a stakeout. Hours later, I barged in and caught him playing Dungeons and Dragons. "Zoe" is the female wizard he plays as. FML

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By grounded - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a link about what Pokémon would look like if they had genitals. I'm not quite sure why, but I decided to click it, and at that exact moment, my brother and his friend walked in. They told my mom I was looking at Pokémon porn. I'll never be able to live this down. FML

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By Liz - United States

Today, my boss became very angry over her own mistake on a spreadsheet. She lashed out by throwing a can of SpaghettiOs at my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband half-naked and yelling at the TV screen over a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML

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By Stinky - United States - Roanoke

Today, I learned that some days you win, and some days you clean up skunk carcass with a snow shovel in the rain in formerly waterproof boots. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, I was quietly reading in the subway, when all of a sudden, at a station, the man sitting next to me stood up, slapped me, yelled "Bitch!", and rushed off the train. FML

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By FUUUUCK - United Kingdom

Today, I was Skyping with a guy I'm really into. I'm not supposed to Skype at night, so when I heard my mum coming, I minimized the window. She walked in before I could mute my mic and started bitching me out for flushing my tampons down the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 02:03 - United States - Pittsburgh

The past that suits you best

Today, I found out that sorting and deleting old unnecessary emails to free up space meant reliving the most horrific memories I've ever experienced. Worse yet, I have to keep certain old messages in case these things ever come up again. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 20:00

Cabin fever

Today, my (now ex) boyfriend came home from work at 8 p.m., monologued about how he doesn't love me anymore for two hours, and walked out on me. In the middle of quarantine. Out of nowhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2020 01:00

Don't worry!

Today, my girlfriend of four months asked me to babysit her four-year-old daughter. All went well, and she texted me to see how she was. I wanted to say “a little ornery”. My phone auto corrected ornery to horny. She didn't appreciate that her four-year-old daughter was a little horny from her boyfriend. FML

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By shat - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to the feeling of something crawling up my leg. I threw back the bed sheets and saw it was a cockroach. My dad said my ensuing scream was so girlish that he wondered what the hell my sister was doing in my bedroom. FML

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By O_o - United States - Simi Valley

Today, I had to explain to my husband why saving the condom from the first time we had sex is not romantic. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Burwood

Today, I overheard my 14-year-old daughter telling her friend that she's saving money to get her hymen surgically removed so her first time won't hurt. FML

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Top comments

By dino_witha_cape | 0

#118761 - Friday 17 April 2009 9:53

take all of his tires off of his car somehow, and leave a note saying "at least i'm not a dick"

By JBiz_fml | 0

#118789 - Friday 17 April 2009 10:04

I need to hear the whole story to vote ,

COMMENTS

By rarelight | 0

#118757 - Friday 17 April 2009 9:52

Aw that sucks :(

By random_user | 0

#118759 - Friday 17 April 2009 9:52

aww, that sucks.
what a jerk.

Reply

T9FTW | 20

#5157017 - Saturday 17 November 2012 4:27

At least it didn't read "Your a bitch - John"

By dino_witha_cape | 0

#118761 - Friday 17 April 2009 9:53

take all of his tires off of his car somehow, and leave a note saying "at least i'm not a dick"

Reply

MrNewOrleans | 0

#1647024 - Thursday 4 November 2010 2:10

that is smart... sir I think u won

By alex_vik | 0

#118786 - Friday 17 April 2009 10:03

Well if he stole your tire you must be a bitch.

By jennaboo | 0

#118788 - Friday 17 April 2009 10:04

you'll find a way to get him back. just remember, karma is a bitch

Reply

toqwert | 0

#3313740 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 1:55

So, karma is her in this case?

By JBiz_fml | 0

#118789 - Friday 17 April 2009 10:04

I need to hear the whole story to vote ,

Reply

LunaaBluee | 27

#6389196 - Saturday 22 August 2015 20:28

I don't think it matters. Either way that's an extremely immature thing to do to someone no matter the circumstance.

Reply

Thebestinclass | 16

#6397125 - Sunday 30 August 2015 8:57

What if she cheated on him with his dad and brother and stole all of his money?

By BigLord | 0

#118795 - Friday 17 April 2009 10:07

Hmm I'm with #6 on this one. Maybe you FuckedHL earlier?

By Scribble | 0

#118806 - Friday 17 April 2009 10:10

maybe you should be honest and tell us why he think you are a bitch.
who know you could have cheated on him with hundreds of other guys, and if so, you definitely deserved it.
seriously if the guy had guts to write his name and tell you are a bitch, then you must have done something wrong.

Reply

sulitak | 27

#5495820 - Friday 17 May 2013 16:12

or the guy assumed she may have moved on and had a few short relationships before the tire blew out.

By ScottyD620 | 0

#118810 - Friday 17 April 2009 10:14

Well you are a bitch.

By minimoose_fml | 1

#118811 - Friday 17 April 2009 10:15

yeah i have a feeling you deserved this one.
HAHAHAHAH good move on his part.