Today, my car alarm went off so I went outside to investigate....

By rainey - 3/2/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, my car alarm went off so I went outside to investigate. Apparently, the abundant rain water in my street had swept a trash can five houses down, only to be stopped by my car. My bumper was dented by a run-away waste receptacle. FML

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Transportation

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Spooky

Non-baby fever

By hdgyfjdzdfg - 16/4/2012 06:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like his grandma's house. FML

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By CaeliLady - 13/9/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, my friend and I were at the mall and saw a "Grow Your Own Boyfriend" toy. I remarked that I already had one of those, and she freaked out, very loudly and openly, about me "finally having a boyfriend". I had to embarrassingly explain I meant I had the toy... not an actual boyfriend. FML

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36926

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By Parenting... - 27/8/2013 04:36 - United States - Arlington

Today, I had no choice but to bring my son to work as a med school professor. I sat him in a chair in a corner while I gave a lecture. To my surprise, he added another word to his limited vocabulary, and screamed it out loud with an ecstatic expression on his face. The word is "cancer". FML

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By pierced. - 25/6/2014 04:29 - United States - Reno

Today, I went to a seamstress to be fitted for my wedding dress and left with a pierced nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2015 20:42 - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I won a game of Monopoly against my girlfriend. She reacted by sweeping the board off the table, storming out the front door, and mowing down my mailbox driving away. FML

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By superjesse006 - 10/10/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I was fired from a job I didn't have. The manager in charge of calling me to tell me if I got the job never called, and never called me back when I left messages. The only time he called me was to fire me for not coming to orientation, which, by the way, he never called to tell me about. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2013 13:07 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my little brother from his friend's house. When I got there, he ran off screaming that he didn't know me. His friend's parents believed him. FML

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By Casey - 11/6/2009 12:59 - France

Today, I took a test as part of a job requirement. I took a sip from a bottle of juice, and the lady leading the test gave me a warning. I tried to explain that if I didn't, I would faint. She took the bottle and hid it. 15 minutes later I collapsed. She thought I was faking. I'm hypoglycemic. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2013 16:09 - United States - Deer Park

Today, my mother in-law made dessert. It was a beautiful chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, and every other thing had chocolate in it. I'm deathly allergic to chocolate and she knows this. FML

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By StickyWicket - 14/5/2019 18:00

Today, at work where I'm a physiotherapist, I was helping a patient with lower back pain. While I was massaging him, he shat himself. FML

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By Jack - 9/8/2016 00:23 - United States - Asheville

Today, my mom said, "I'm sorry your life is such shit." She meant it as an apology. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2011 04:28 - United States

Today, my daughter somehow got a hold of the lighter we keep on top of the fridge. I found this out when she snuck up behind me and thought it would be fun to set my hair on fire. FML

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By Gottalovepeople - 31/12/2018 01:34

Today, I found out that my ten-page paper, which has taken me two months to construct perfectly and is worth 30% of my grade, was on the wrong book. It’s due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, I got a birthday present from my boyfriend's mom. It was ProActiv acne solution. He tried to make me feel better by explaining it's because she wants to be able to include me in family pictures. FML

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By sparkus - 15/12/2015 15:15

Today, while out hiking with my girlfriend, she thought it would be funny to push me down a small hill. It turned out there was a 16 foot drop at the end of it, and now my leg is in a cast. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2015 20:10 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I walked in on my best friend with his hand down my girlfriend's pants and her moaning for him to "keep going". She had the brass balls to claim she had a "tummy ache" and that he was just rubbing her stomach better. I may be a total dumbass, but I'm not THAT stupid. FML

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By honeymooner - 28/3/2012 10:47 - South Africa - Braamfontein

Today, I received a coupon for a special offer including flights and accommodation for the honeymoon destination that my fiancé and I are keen on. Yesterday, I paid the full price for the flight tickets and hotel deposit for the honeymoon. FML

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By Autumn - 18/12/2017 01:30

TMI

Today, while discussing my vegetable garden, my father's new girlfriend announced that she loves vegetables in the bedroom. FML

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By thenewgirl29 - 5/2/2015 16:42 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a few months told me he couldn't stay overnight because his mom would yell at him for not coming home. We're both 30 and I didn't know he still lived at home. FML

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By jessicab72 - 15/5/2014 20:38 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 08:08 - United Kingdom - London

Great expectations

Today, after making love to my boyfriend, I went upstairs to shower. After turning it on, I found a huge pimple on my leg and the prospect of popping it excited me more than my boyfriend ever had in bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2018 12:00

Today, a guy asked for hot fries at the drive thru. After receiving the fries, he threw them at the drive thru window, complained that they were too hot, and asked for the manager for burning his mouth. I am the manager. FML

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By grossesfesses - 15/5/2013 06:58 - France - Compi?gne

Today, in the doctor's waiting room, a little boy asked me for a cookie. I told him that I didn't have any. He replied, "But my mom says that ladies with big butts always have cookies in their handbags." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2011 05:29 - Canada

Today, I went out for New Year's. When I got back, I found my house had been broken into. I found a note saying, "Happy New Year, sucker." FML

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By NoTypeOfExercise - 11/7/2016 15:05 - United States - Encino

Today, my husband told me I couldn't go to my morning yoga class, because he needed to leave for work at 7:30 am sharp, and I wouldn't be back in time to watch our son. It's 8:05 am and he still hasn't left for work. FML

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By Stan - 29/8/2011 21:19 - United States

Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML

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By callofdutyhater - 21/8/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I finally realized the reason my son's grades have been dropping so much. Every time I drop him off at his tutor's house, they play Call of Duty until I pick him up. FML

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By Kate - 7/6/2011 07:50 - United States

Today, I was reading a crappy "How to spice up your marriage" book with my husband for laughs. One of the ideas was for the guy to whip his knob out, stand behind his girl and say "Can you say that into the microphone?" Now he does it every chance he gets, and I fall for it EVERY TIME. FML

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By edhalen - 23/4/2009 07:47 - United States

Today, I pulled over to help a girl with her car. I thought my limited mechanic skills would help look like a hero. She only needed her coolant cap unscrewed. With top down, shirt off, I was confident as I got out of my car. 10 minutes later I left because I couldn't unscrew the f***ing thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 02:02 - United States

Today, I went to an audition for a play. The casting director thanked me for my time, but told me they would pass because I had "the emotional range of a turnip." FML

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By compguy - 25/2/2010 15:39 - United States

Today, I applied and was accepted for a part-time network engineering position. Being contract work they asked me what I charge. I replied, "$12 an hour." After a look of surprise they accepted me for the position and said, "Our last guy charged $200 an hour, you're a bargain." FML

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By Marcilor001 - 10/8/2018 20:30

Oops.

Today, I realized I have a weight problem. My brother excitedly showed me his new high-end scale and measured his weight, then our other brothers. I took one step on it and the screen read "E". It then shut off and hasn't turned on since. FML

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By uglynerd - 26/5/2013 00:45 - United States - Streamwood

Today, my parents told me they're glad I'm an "ugly nerd" because they don't have to worry about me getting into trouble or having a teen pregnancy. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 20:03

Minefield

Today, my cat pissed on my bed, so I had to change the sheets. Just as I got out of bed and take my first step, I stepped in my cat's poop as well and slipped, spraining my ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2013 10:37 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I realised I sweat so much that I won't be able to go without sticking super pads with wings to my shirt underarms everyday. It makes supermarket trips interesting. Especially as a man. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 16:58 - United States - Portland

Today, I went in for an interview for my first ever job. Just seconds after meeting the boss, I slipped on the linoleum floor. I was wearing a skirt. FML

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By tiredofbullshit - 8/1/2016 06:06 - United States - Littleton

Today, my dad took my car keys off my keychain and hid them from me. His reasoning was, "I don't want you to be driving during the winter." Guess who has to walk ten miles a day to work, through the New England snow. FML

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By RyoKioKio - 30/5/2017 20:00

Today, just like every day for the past two weeks, my mother has told me just how much she doesn't want me to move out. I, once again, have had to remind her that she isn't the one I'm trying to get away from. I'm not a fan of being repeatedly smacked with a coffee mug by my 78-year-old grandma. FML

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By shinymcface - 19/11/2018 14:00

Today, I went to the bathroom at work and there was a reed diffuser placed on the tank of the toilet. As I sat down, my hair knocked it off and the reed diffuser landed behind me, spilling the scented oil into my butt crack and vagina, burning me completely. I only had to work 6 more hours. FML

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By Rob - 18/12/2013 17:47 - United States - Franklin

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

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Top comments

By elenaa_fml | 0

#821526 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 13:23

Good thing you used the word receptacle, otherwise I might have thought you were dumb.

By itouchguy360 | 3

#821449 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:20

There isn't much you can do to protect your car in that kind of situation. But op, do you have a garage?

COMMENTS

By drewbreesdat | 0

#821423 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:07

ouch

MBTnauset | 0

#821431 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:11

yeah tht sux.... cAn anyone tell me where the commen button cuz idk so I just press the arrow to comment on a reply

responses | 0

#821477 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:40

i'm on my iPhone it's at the bottom right

GameDub | 0

#821583 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 13:56

yeahh that's where it is on my touch. @OP: fyl :)

BoarderBoy15 | 0

#821644 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 14:34

yea u deserve it for saying waste recipricle or whatever

joshhh11 | 0

#821868 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 16:41

original poster. i think :/

turdburgers | 0

#822130 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 18:49

yep. I prefer submitter myself, but whatever.

MBTnauset | 0

#822310 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 20:18

original/opening post... and thx 11 and 21

crazyb56 | 0

#823449 - Thursday 4 February 2010 3:09

thanks, to much lingo. they need to make a legend or something

shadaboo2014 | 0

#824010 - Thursday 4 February 2010 6:48

HAHA hope u had insurance

By Terwilliger | 0

#821425 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:09

lol.

dota_pwnage | 7

#821669 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 14:48

haha wow the flaming that happens on this site XD more fun than the fml's XD

KurouTenshi | 0

#822514 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 21:46

@31 that's why I read LOL

Pointy130 | 0

#823663 - Thursday 4 February 2010 4:31

I lol'd at "run away waste receptacle"

By omg2010 | 0

#821432 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:11

definetely sucks

By rob3 | 0

#821439 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:15

I fucking hate AT

By rob3 | 0

#821445 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:17

I said I fucking hate at

By itouchguy360 | 3

#821449 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:20

There isn't much you can do to protect your car in that kind of situation. But op, do you have a garage?

auren15 | 9

#821457 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:26

this happened to my mom only it her rear bumper

lickmyjock | 0

#821462 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:30

Yeah I'm sure her "rear bumper" got rammed, HARD.

infiniti_G | 0

#821493 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:51

That's fucked up ^

lickmyjock | 0

#821503 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 13:00

Yeah so was the look on her face as I gave it to her.

jimsmells67 | 0

#821814 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 16:19

ok this is getting weird

By judetheobvious | 0

#821486 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:46

YDI for calling a rubbish bin a 'trash can'.

Averizzle | 0

#821580 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 13:53

Get out of here Brit rubbish can trash can who the hell cares?

infiniti_G | 0

#821641 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 14:32

YDI FOR HAVING A CAR

KayBizz | 0

#821952 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 17:26

^ lmfao. that's just mean

namnams | 3

#822135 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 18:51

It's not even a "rubbish can". It is a rubbish BIN.

At OP: YDI for using stupid jargon.

shaBAMalex | 0

#822162 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 19:04

I think that Brit's should learn the slang of the U.S. and not criticize everyone who doesn't do things the way they do. It's getting ridiculous

omnistryder | 0

#822242 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 19:47

lol... rubbish bin

applesmoothiee | 2

#822551 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 22:05

lol...trash can

Freeze_fml | 16

#822918 - Thursday 4 February 2010 0:40

lol... rubbish bin

metazoanhaddock | 11

#824069 - Thursday 4 February 2010 7:19

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!!!!

By Wogg_fml | 0

#821496 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 12:52

You should pick up a pamphlet on those new things called garages.

Cupcaken | 0

#821570 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 13:51

ever considered he might not have the money, live in a apartmant, or arnt as snobby and highclass as your ass.

By elenaa_fml | 0

#821526 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 13:23

Good thing you used the word receptacle, otherwise I might have thought you were dumb.

By youthink_fml | 0

#821560 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 13:47

This isn't a FML. You must have it pretty easy in life.

DogmaT_fml | 4

#821754 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 15:52

what if OP worked very hard to get a nice car and really cares about her appearance? image is everything now