By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Double standards

Today, my bus got held up in traffic, so I arrived home about 15 minutes late. My mum bitched me out, accused me of sleeping around, and grounded me. All this while my brother raged at his video game in the other room, screaming stuff such as "EAT SHIT, YOU CUNTS!" with total impunity. FML

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Understandable

There's no helping some people

The sweet smell of success

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were talking about names for our expectant child. I told him since I named our daughter he could name our son. He's decided on a name from 'God of War'. My son is going to be named after a make-believe cartoon character - Kratos. FML

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By bloody hell - Philippines - Para?aque

Today, my sister and I had a fight. In her rage, she threw piles of dirty laundry at me. One of her bloody panties hit me on the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

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By sadspinster

Single life

Today, I found out that both my younger sisters are bringing their boyfriends home for Christmas. The youngest is 25, and he's actually her fiancé. The other is 30, and she and her boyfriend have been living together for over a year. I'll be the 36-year-old spinster in the twin bed upstairs. FML

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By jada - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend over and over again and he never answered. His mom just called me and asked how I was holding up. I asked her what she meant and she had to tell me he checked himself into rehab because he was addicted to heroin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start, so I had to wait for AAA. Then, hurrying to pick up my brother, I got a $161 speeding ticket. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from him saying he didn't need a ride anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML

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By SexyQueen0905

Today, my friends were making fun of my clumsiness. I replied that I was not clumsy, and to prove it I was going to go the whole day without messing up. As I said this, I tripped over an extension cord and hit my head on a desk. FML

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By lebato97 - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's Christmas tree they had put up on their porch, with decorative presents under it. Being that my neighbors hate me, I figured I would take a present to piss them off. While walking back home with the present, I opened it. Inside it read "I knew you would, douche bag." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my anxiety disorder has escalated to where I now scratch and pick at my face while asleep. Now I get to sleep with oven mitts taped to my hands. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML

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By FFFFF- - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend's best friend told me she was in hospital after having made a suicide attempt. In shock, I had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital myself. Turns out it was all a lie to see whether or not I was committed to the relationship. FML

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By running scared - Norway

Today, I found out that my violent ex has moved to my country for the sole purpose of tracking me down. I know this because my former boss called and told me she gave him my address. She loves the idea of us getting back together because, "You are such a cute couple!" FML

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By Username - France

Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say 'yes' or 'no', instead of nodding your head. FML

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By Catfish

Today, I met the "cute guy" I've been chatting with online for a few months. He never smiled in pics, but I didn't think anything of it until I got to his place and he started talking. He didn't have a single tooth in his mouth. FML

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By Painful - United States

Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML

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By good big sister? - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, my 7-year-old sister had a nightmare, so I let her sleep in my bed. I woke up to her punching me in the face and giving me a black eye. Apparently, she not only screams when she's having a nightmare, she also "gives the bad guy a taste of his own medicine." FML

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By EMT_Koulianos - United States

Today, I was performing CPR on a woman on her floor while her internal defibrillator kept firing, making her whole body jump. When it fired, her hand went straight up into my nuts. FML

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By cstokes - United States

Today, at work, I was supposed to have an easy two-hour shift, after which I was planning on attending a party that had been arranged to celebrate my graduation. Nearly six hours later, I am just getting home after being super busy and shorthanded at work for hours. I missed my own party. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML

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By fuuu. - Hong Kong

Today, while painting a wall, I handed a bucket of paint up to my friend who was standing on the top rung of a ladder. She said she felt dizzy, and came crashing down on me, along with the paint on my head. FML

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By thismakesmesad - United States

Today, I received an email from my boyfriend. It contained a link to a site that was titled "How to Give Head". It also said "Have a nice day!" FML

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By taxed - United States

Today, I found out that I owe the IRS money due to my previous job not taking enough taxes out. I am broke, unemployed, and was counting on a big refund so I could pay for my divorce. FML

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By aurora320 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, when confronting my boyfriend about slapping a girl's ass in the club, he claimed: "There was a mosquito on it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend. He gazed at me, stroked my cheek, and said "Christ, you really need something for this acne." FML

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By soontobemurder

Today, my boss took back my week off because he wants to take a spontaneous Caribbean vacation with his wife, which is "clearly more important" than what I was going to do. I needed that time off so I could be with my Dad in hospice. FML

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By Questions - United Kingdom - Ashford

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I'd help clean out his ex-girlfriend's closet. I found their wedding photos. FML

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By HungerStrike - Czech Republic - Hostivice

Today, me and some friends had home-made burgers for lunch. The guy who did the cooking later insisted that spitting in a frying pan is a perfectly acceptable way of guessing the right time to add the oil. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2020 05:01

Let down

Today, after having spent 2 weeks planning my husband's surprise birthday party with his friends and family, we get in the car on the way to "dinner" and he says, "I really hope it's just the two of us tonight." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML

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By Ben - United States

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, I found out that I've been using a "Trick Scale" that my family bought to boost my self esteem so I'd think I was losing weight. I found this out at my physical, where I learned I have actually gained ten pounds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML

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By Don'tjudgeabook

Today, a man reminded me five times how much of a "nice guy" he was during our first conversation, saying also that I seem the sort to date the "bad guys" because I looked sweet and innocent. Then, without waiting for me to say something, he sighed and walked away, muttering that he always finished last. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Maribyrnong

Today, my students all handed in their 1,000 word papers. The assignment was for them to write about a strong, benevolent leader who influenced the world. Around half of the papers were about Hitler. FML

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By wtf - United States - Dearborn

Today, I walked into my bedroom to find my boyfriend clipping his toe nails into my pillow case. FML

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By gooddeedgonebad - Australia - Upper Swan

Today, I helped an elderly woman carry her suitcase down a flight of stairs. When I got to the bottom, a man tackled me to the ground thinking I was stealing the woman's luggage. As I lay in pain, he ran up the stairs to return the suitcase and the poor woman had to carry it down on her own. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend because he's been working extra hard these last two months. I went to his house only to find him in bed with another girl. Standing there, with fifteen roses in my hands, all he could say was, "Thank you, can you put them in a vase?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while talking online with my boyfriend, the conversation turns sexual. He stops responding but I continue with the conversation. Then I get a response: "this is his sister. He fell asleep and I need the computer. I'll tell him you said goodnight, but not that other stuff". FML

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By mississippi123 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I discovered how pathetically introverted I am when during a car ride with my family, I said, "I really like this song" and my parents gasped because they didn't realize I was in the back seat. And I'm their only child. FML

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Top comments

By ThatPlankton | 15

#5377796 - Friday 22 February 2013 2:57

Cod is serious business. Don't want mom to ruin his killstreak now do you? Selfish much?

By Lionesse | 15

#5377797 - Friday 22 February 2013 2:57

Ah.. Family. So many emotions conveyed in a single word...

COMMENTS

By ThatPlankton | 15

#5377796 - Friday 22 February 2013 2:57

Cod is serious business. Don't want mom to ruin his killstreak now do you? Selfish much?

Reply

14avalentour | 9

#5377811 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:06

True

Reply

Supergirl1988 | 16

#5377851 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:28

Maybe if OP played CoD their mother would love them too.

Reply

Thursday737 | 7

#5377939 - Friday 22 February 2013 4:39

Maybe if Op's brother didn't play a shitty game like cod (implied by 1) he wouldn't be all mad and stuff.

Reply

FuckYouScience12 | 8

#5377959 - Friday 22 February 2013 4:48

video games rot the brain. stop technology 2013.

Reply

blackman100 | 20

#5378025 - Friday 22 February 2013 5:42

Gotta get them noobs.

Reply

Jovecove | 13

#5378071 - Friday 22 February 2013 7:03

#35 - Wtf are you, 90? Keep up with technology not oppose it or you're gonna lose your head very soon.

Reply

BradTheBrony | 19

#5381839 - Monday 25 February 2013 1:24

You don't "get" n00bz, you pwn them! Stupid!

By Lionesse | 15

#5377797 - Friday 22 February 2013 2:57

Ah.. Family. So many emotions conveyed in a single word...

By UberNova | 18

#5377807 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:01

Logic, reason and cogent arguments are the way to make others understand, use them, then maybe she will appreciate your words and take them with truth more often.

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#5378358 - Friday 22 February 2013 13:29

If only this were true. Unfortunately all the logic, coherence and calm explaining in the world doesn't matter when your mum takes the 'doesn't matter, not listening, I am the parent and I am right' stance.

By rocker_chick105 | 31

#5377813 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:06

Is your brother younger or older is my question..

Reply

Mahtari | 19

#5377829 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:12

I wish that question was relevant.

Reply

DaftDude | 11

#5377830 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:13

Younger or older, gaming is definately serious for him!

Reply

EvilUndead | 9

#5378207 - Friday 22 February 2013 10:36

Younger or older, if he can't keep his emotions in check, he's an idiot. And no, it doesn't mean gaming is serious for him.

Reply

DaftDude | 11

#5378292 - Friday 22 February 2013 12:29

#53 Why are you responding seriously to what is clearly a humourous joke?

By rattusrattus | 18

#5377831 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:14

Yeah, I'm going to say your mother is a shitstain on the universe.

Reply

mangoboy1 | 19

#5378255 - Friday 22 February 2013 11:42

A shit stain on the underwear of life.

By DudeEvil | 22

#5377834 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:17

Would've been worth it if you had slept around, just saying.. :P

Reply

Enummoc | 10

#5377873 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:39

Just like that old adage: "You do the time, might as well do the crime."

Reply

Tempest151 | 11

#5377931 - Friday 22 February 2013 4:32

Honestly why would your mom care if you were sleeping around? Unless your mom is your sister and your brother is your dad or something. Damn, I'm creepin' myself out here.

By curlstar | 6

#5377835 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:17

Sounds like no one in your family is getting any. FYL.

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5377839 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:21

That means she has higher expectations for you because she knows your brother will amount to nothing and you have potential.

By oj101 | 33

#5377840 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:21

Maybe it's just me, but does your mum probably have a favorite sibling? It's probably you..... *sarcasm*

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5377844 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:24

Child, you mean? Unless… 0_O SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5377849 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:28

Time of writing comment: Brain loading 99%. Use incorrect word

Reading the reply: Troll brain loads 100%. OH CRAP.

Good point #13. A thumbs up from me

By outoftown | 26

#5377853 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:29

Politely ask your mom how someone could sleep around in 15 minutes.
Watch her face carefully.

Reply

bb0911 | 4

#5378126 - Friday 22 February 2013 8:15

Premature ejaculation.

Reply

kwyk | 23

#5378174 - Friday 22 February 2013 9:42

Maybe it tells us something about OP's dad.

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5378240 - Friday 22 February 2013 11:15

They don't call 'em "quickies" for nothin'