Today, my bus got held up in traffic, so I arrived home about... - FML

By Anonymous - 21/2/2013 18:45 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my bus got held up in traffic, so I arrived home about 15 minutes late. My mum bitched me out, accused me of sleeping around, and grounded me. All this while my brother raged at his video game in the other room, screaming stuff such as "EAT SHIT, YOU CUNTS!" with total impunity. FML

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Rock, hard place

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By theoftrescheduled - 3/9/2014 00:35 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I unexpectedly ran into my boss. Last week, I'd met with him every day, putting together a last-minute presentation of my research for him to deliver at conference overseas. It turns out that his passport had expired. FML

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By Username - 1/7/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, I was so broke that I paid for a $0.28 candy bar with my credit card. FML

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By WhereforeArtThouJustice - 10/12/2014 21:49 - Portugal

Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML

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By Why Me? - 31/1/2013 09:07 - United States - Scranton

Today, I found out that I have a highly irrational fear of little people. I made this self discovery when my mother introduced the family to her new fiancé. FML

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By Strainer - 23/5/2015 04:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

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By Florida Girl - 9/3/2019 12:00

Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time today and learned that his mom is from the same area as my dad. Before I could tell a funny story of my dad’s senior prank, his mom said during her senior year, some asshole spray-painted their school mascot on their football field. That was my dad’s senior prank. FML

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By Richard - 25/6/2012 03:03 - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I was talking with my wife of five years, and I gave her a few hints about wanting kids. After our talk, she looked at me completely serious and said "Yeah, yeah, kids are great and all, but can't we just get you a dog?" FML

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By AlwaysRejected - 10/12/2015 15:53 - United States - Fremont

Today, I found out that my so-called "friends" on my Skype group chat have another group chat that contains everyone but me. Apparently, they made it so I would not "disturb" their conversations. FML

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By Josh - 27/9/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I found out the reason why my therapist was so nice to me all of the time. Apparently, she is afraid that I'm going to stab her if she pisses me off. FML

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By emilyxoxoxo - 21/3/2009 16:11 - United States

Today, my friend and I thought it would be funny if we could both fit into her big sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably. We had to cut ourselves out of the sweatpants. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2011 17:53 - United States

Today, while waiting on a customer at a restaurant, I accidentally asked a midget if she'd like a children's menu. FML

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By ~__~ - 20/3/2015 21:23

Today, I had to bail my drunk dad out of jail after he beat the shit out of a mime artist. All he had to say on the matter was "Fucking bastard was playing mind games." and that he'd beat him up again if he could. FML

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By Meg - 17/10/2018 15:30

Today, we moved 2,700 miles across the U.S. to better our lives, with job offers and home options lined up. All of them were given to other people or turned out to be scams. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2013 07:13 - United States - Eagle Point

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

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By zombielover1 - 13/7/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, while eating a Subway sandwich, I was watching a comedian on TV. As he said his signature line, I laughed hysterically and accidentally snorted a jalapeño into my nose. I spent the next 5 minutes trying to snort out the little piece that got lodged into my nostril. FML

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By McFuckYouTooCunt - 11/6/2015 13:44 - Australia - Bellevue Hill

Today, a customer yelled, "I'll bash your fuckin' face in, cunt" at me at 9:30am because we don't serve the lunch menu at breakfast time. Yes, the 15-year-old girl in high school is responsible for McDonald's entire menu. FML

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By I don't trust them. - 2/7/2017 18:00

Cats are Satan's Minions

Today, I learned that our cats love to knock over glasses and cups, particularly if they have liquid in them. The latest victim of their antics? My expensive computer keyboard. FML

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By ITSnotFUNNYtoMEass - 25/5/2009 08:54 - United States

Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML

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By LindseyS - 20/3/2012 02:00 - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids. I tried to be sexy by turning around and bending over. My friends took pictures and my bloody tampon string was hanging out the whole time. FML

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By Username - 29/11/2010 14:22

Today, a woman laughed after hearing my voice for the first time. This happens whenever I meet someone new, without fail. FML

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By nomoresbfun - 22/2/2010 06:31 - United States

Today, I found out that my most amazing spring break ever, will be spent stuck on a ship with my ex. It's been almost two years, and he still isn't over me. Yay. This cruise shall be fun. FML

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By AgentKoos_99 - 11/10/2016 07:52 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after waiting 3 months to see if I got the job I had applied for, I was told that they never received my application. Turns out that the email address that they told me to send it to was not being checked anymore and that they would be happy to consider me for the following year. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2010 13:33 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

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By deardaughter - 14/8/2019 06:00 - Australia

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my father trimming his pubes over the bin with our kitchen scissors. FML

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By Charli - 13/8/2018 22:37

Today, after months of my (now ex) boyfriend telling me he wished I was blonde with big boobs, I finally retaliated with "I wish you were a redhead with a big dick, but you don't see me complaining." He cried and said I should love him for who he is. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2013 20:58 - United States - Raynham

Today, with 24 inches of snow on the ground, it is raining like hell. The weight of the snow, now full of rain water, collapsed the roof over my living room. I was eating cereal in my underwear, in the living room, directly under the failure. I'm cold. FML

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By Domo731 - 5/11/2017 13:00 - United States - Johnson City

Kinky.

Today, I drank from a soda can that was on my floor. Unfortunately, it was my boyfriend’s pee. He was too lazy to go to the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2019 00:14

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

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By tgpgs - 19/1/2011 14:55

Today, at work, I spent half an hour on the phone with a customer. At the end of the conversation, as he was putting down the phone, I heard him say 'God, he was a miserable git'. I'm a 28 year old woman. FML

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By OhLovely - 1/11/2012 01:39 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I found out that my over-controlling parents would be moving in next door. I'm almost 23, and moved 5,365 KM away to get away from them. FML

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By Spanky - 23/1/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her grandma was using toothpicks and dropping them on the ground next to our popcorn bucket. I took a big handful of popcorn, and was fortunate enough to get a piece of her toothpick lodged in my throat. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend starts fights with me over text because apparently, when I'm arguing with someone, I stop speaking in "annoying shorthand" and am grammatically correct. FML

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By Spotted - 18/2/2009 22:09 - Canada

Today, at Church, the little boy sitting behind me asked his mother if I had the chicken pox, because there were red dots all over my face. I've had bad acne since I was twelve. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 16:00

On call

Today, my boyfriend accused me of not coming home at all last week. The truth is, I was up and gone to work before him every morning, and I was home after he went to bed. He didn’t even bother talking to me or asking where I was last week, we both work 24/7 on-call jobs, and he knows this happens sometimes. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2009 06:53 - United States

Today, I went out to dinner. The waiter was pretty cute. He greets us, "Hi my name is... (long pause) Jordan." Thinking he was flirting, I quickly smart back, "Are you confused?" He says, "No actually, I have a stutter." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2016 03:02 - Canada - Fort Smith

Today, for Mother's Day, I surprised my Mother with the news I that I'll be visiting in June. The last time we got to visit was 4 years ago, we live 4000 miles apart and it's a very expensive trip. She said, "No, come next June, I want to lose some more weight before seeing you." FML

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By leena - 23/2/2016 00:55 - United States - Encinitas

Today, my two best friends that I've known since middle school broke up. I'm glad I'm no longer a third wheel but now they won't talk to each other and both use me to complain about the other. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend at the airport after studying abroad for a year. She ran to hug me, and I wanted to pick her up and spin her around, like they do in those romantic movies. I tried to do that, but instead I dropped her. FML

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By thatoneguy - 5/9/2011 20:23 - United States

Today, a five year old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2009 04:48 - Canada

Today, I bought body chocolate to use in bed with my boyfriend in the hopes of spicing things up. Everything was going great, until I tasted it. It was disgusting and actually made me gag a little. Later, my boyfriend checked the label and started laughing. It had expired 3 years ago. FML

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Top comments

By ThatPlankton | 15

#5377796 - Friday 22 February 2013 2:57

Cod is serious business. Don't want mom to ruin his killstreak now do you? Selfish much?

By Lionesse | 15

#5377797 - Friday 22 February 2013 2:57

Ah.. Family. So many emotions conveyed in a single word...

COMMENTS

By ThatPlankton | 15

#5377796 - Friday 22 February 2013 2:57

Cod is serious business. Don't want mom to ruin his killstreak now do you? Selfish much?

Reply

14avalentour | 9

#5377811 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:06

True

Reply

Supergirl1988 | 16

#5377851 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:28

Maybe if OP played CoD their mother would love them too.

Reply

Thursday737 | 7

#5377939 - Friday 22 February 2013 4:39

Maybe if Op's brother didn't play a shitty game like cod (implied by 1) he wouldn't be all mad and stuff.

Reply

FuckYouScience12 | 8

#5377959 - Friday 22 February 2013 4:48

video games rot the brain. stop technology 2013.

Reply

blackman100 | 20

#5378025 - Friday 22 February 2013 5:42

Gotta get them noobs.

Reply

Jovecove | 13

#5378071 - Friday 22 February 2013 7:03

#35 - Wtf are you, 90? Keep up with technology not oppose it or you're gonna lose your head very soon.

Reply

BradTheBrony | 19

#5381839 - Monday 25 February 2013 1:24

You don't "get" n00bz, you pwn them! Stupid!

By Lionesse | 15

#5377797 - Friday 22 February 2013 2:57

Ah.. Family. So many emotions conveyed in a single word...

By UberNova | 18

#5377807 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:01

Logic, reason and cogent arguments are the way to make others understand, use them, then maybe she will appreciate your words and take them with truth more often.

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#5378358 - Friday 22 February 2013 13:29

If only this were true. Unfortunately all the logic, coherence and calm explaining in the world doesn't matter when your mum takes the 'doesn't matter, not listening, I am the parent and I am right' stance.

By rocker_chick105 | 31

#5377813 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:06

Is your brother younger or older is my question..

Reply

Mahtari | 19

#5377829 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:12

I wish that question was relevant.

Reply

DaftDude | 11

#5377830 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:13

Younger or older, gaming is definately serious for him!

Reply

EvilUndead | 9

#5378207 - Friday 22 February 2013 10:36

Younger or older, if he can't keep his emotions in check, he's an idiot. And no, it doesn't mean gaming is serious for him.

Reply

DaftDude | 11

#5378292 - Friday 22 February 2013 12:29

#53 Why are you responding seriously to what is clearly a humourous joke?

By rattusrattus | 18

#5377831 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:14

Yeah, I'm going to say your mother is a shitstain on the universe.

Reply

mangoboy1 | 19

#5378255 - Friday 22 February 2013 11:42

A shit stain on the underwear of life.

By DudeEvil | 22

#5377834 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:17

Would've been worth it if you had slept around, just saying.. :P

Reply

Enummoc | 10

#5377873 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:39

Just like that old adage: "You do the time, might as well do the crime."

Reply

Tempest151 | 11

#5377931 - Friday 22 February 2013 4:32

Honestly why would your mom care if you were sleeping around? Unless your mom is your sister and your brother is your dad or something. Damn, I'm creepin' myself out here.

By curlstar | 6

#5377835 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:17

Sounds like no one in your family is getting any. FYL.

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5377839 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:21

That means she has higher expectations for you because she knows your brother will amount to nothing and you have potential.

By oj101 | 33

#5377840 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:21

Maybe it's just me, but does your mum probably have a favorite sibling? It's probably you..... *sarcasm*

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5377844 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:24

Child, you mean? Unless… 0_O SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

Reply

oj101 | 33

#5377849 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:28

Time of writing comment: Brain loading 99%. Use incorrect word

Reading the reply: Troll brain loads 100%. OH CRAP.

Good point #13. A thumbs up from me

By outoftown | 26

#5377853 - Friday 22 February 2013 3:29

Politely ask your mom how someone could sleep around in 15 minutes.
Watch her face carefully.

Reply

bb0911 | 4

#5378126 - Friday 22 February 2013 8:15

Premature ejaculation.

Reply

kwyk | 23

#5378174 - Friday 22 February 2013 9:42

Maybe it tells us something about OP's dad.

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5378240 - Friday 22 February 2013 11:15

They don't call 'em "quickies" for nothin'