Miscellaneous: Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him...

By facepalm - United States

Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him that odometers measure distance traveled, not a person's body odor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24616

You deserved it

1802

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Buzzing the tower

Incognito browsing

This is fine

By emoflowers - United States - Amarillo

Today, my mother made me see the doctor to see if I had irritable bowel syndrome, on the account of how often I go to the restroom. I then had to admit I only go in there to get away from my family. My doctor thought it was hilarious. My mom didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29351

You deserved it

3314

Favorite

By Tabby Rosas - 21/2/2021 21:30

Slid right out

Today, after 8 days of being on a medication that makes it hard to go to the bathroom and no luck taking laxatives and drinking coffee and apple juice, I finally got to go. Too bad I was at my desk at work when it happened. I washed out my pants in the bathroom and got to sit in wet pants for 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

892

You deserved it

Favorite

By anoymus - United States

Today, I was driving to the local market with my son. We approached a vehicle that looked just like my fiancé's. My son peered out his window and said, "Mommy, daddy's getting kidnapped!" It seems he was being 'kidnapped' by his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63793

You deserved it

3251

Favorite

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the pet name my girlfriend gave my penis wasn't randomly made up after all; it's her ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39022

You deserved it

3510

Favorite

By Puick - France - Sonchamp

Today, I went to a party organised by my ex. I was the last to sit down, after looking at the nametags on all 50+ chairs. That's how I realised the chair labelled "Fuckface" was mine; the one located between her parents' seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42516

You deserved it

9750

Favorite

By ac13 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to tell him how excited I was to drive 12 hours to see him and his new house. His girlfriend answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43929

You deserved it

3774

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Kokomo

Today, at work, my boss made me go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46601

You deserved it

4428

Favorite

By PhilDavisDied? - France

He bangs the drums

Today, after pulling up to my girlfriend's house for dinner with her parents, one of my favorite songs begin to play on the radio. After my 3 minutes of air drumming, I look up to see my girlfriend and her parents bouncing with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11098

You deserved it

34939

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, an old lady wearing a low-cut shirt with no bra underneath came into my line with some groceries. At some point while bagging her groceries, her wrinkled breast slipped out of her shirt. She didn't even notice. I wish to fuck I could unsee this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29725

You deserved it

2244

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I underwent surgery and feeling rather groggy upon being awoken, I very loudly declared, "I've always had a thing for doctors. Kiss me?" then promptly giggled, tried to launch myself in a random doctor's arms and fell flat on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28279

You deserved it

4927

Favorite

By wils - United States

Today, after work, I peeled a parking ticket off my windshield. It was so hot that the ink from the ticket made a stamp on my windshield. Now I have a permanent reminder staring me in the face wherever I drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28544

You deserved it

7864

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally found out where my great grandmother's antique handheld mirror disappeared to. According to the headmaster, my eleven year old son has been using it to look up his classmates' dresses at school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29726

You deserved it

3309

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Port Orchard

Today, I discovered that my 8-year old is not fully toilet trained when a turd fell out of his pants, shortly after introducing him to his new babysitter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45474

You deserved it

9271

Favorite

By rachiej8 - United States - Fairlee

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. Everything was going well, until he tried to put it in. A few minutes later, he said "It's not hard enough." We tried for another half hour to fix that. We ended up eating ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36691

You deserved it

5468

Favorite

By dynomyte - United States

Today, as I sat on the table in my gynecologist's office for my yearly checkup, I realized that was the most action I got in the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43871

You deserved it

8128

Favorite

Today, I accidentally uploaded a video of me pleasing myself to my Snapchat story. Five people saw it before I could take it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4920

You deserved it

14872

Favorite

By farksh - Australia

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31092

You deserved it

6244

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14451

You deserved it

124608

Favorite

By neryc - United States - Hummelstown

Today, my little sister started freaking out, because she was playing with some white-out eraser and got some on her finger. She started crying inconsolably because she thought her entire finger was going to disappear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43371

You deserved it

4517

Favorite

By aawkward... - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25873

You deserved it

2467

Favorite

By S

Today, the district manager visited. Also today, I got called into the office to talk about "personal hygiene". The assistant store manager asked me if I had some kind of medical problem and advised me to shower regularly because my co-workers have been making comments. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8158

You deserved it

4202

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I queued up for few hours in torrential rain to see the Harry Potter premiere. After just four hours sleep and waking at 3am, I fell asleep during film and missed the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20778

You deserved it

62854

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my girlfriend actually slept with one of the celebrities on her "5 celebrities we're allowed to sleep with" list. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35307

You deserved it

18323

Favorite

By Jamestown of Vagina - United States - Houston

Today, I had an important oral report to deliver with a partner. Not only did he come in late and high, he pronounced Virginia as "Vagina" the whole way through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40571

You deserved it

3708

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 19:02 - United States - Saint Paul

Stress level: 2020

Today, after pushing myself really hard all week to find a new job, I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing weekend with my family. Nope, I got a migraine and can barely function, but also can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

968

You deserved it

Favorite

By Carowl

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24134

You deserved it

2884

Favorite

By mywillyisdisappointed - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I've been dating. I dropped her off and she finally asked me if I wanted to come in. When I did, she asked me to change a light bulb in her kitchen, and then promptly sent me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24659

You deserved it

3374

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29752

You deserved it

75847

Favorite

By steak through the heart - United States - El Monte

Today, I went on a date. I took her out to an expensive steak house. When she was done eating, she got up, said she was married, and told me she only accepted the date because I'd be paying for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46927

You deserved it

4104

Favorite

By ProtoBird - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I got hit so hard in the head by a dodgeball that a contact popped right out. To make matters worse, I continued to get hit as a futilely searched for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20764

You deserved it

1561

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, my dad woke me up for the second time to get me ready for school. Wanting me to prove I was really awake, he made me sit up. As soon as he left my room, I dozed off and faceplanted my nightstand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13259

You deserved it

44408

Favorite

By cheatingapparently - 20/6/2020 23:06

Occam's razor

Today, I got an A+ on a writing assignment. My teacher asked me three times if I really did write this article myself, and didn't memorise an article from the Internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1354

You deserved it

106

Favorite

By Alexa23 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks

130974

You deserved it

8871

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44871

You deserved it

11938

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66792

You deserved it

9613

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27143

You deserved it

2788

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I uttered the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" in class. Moments later, I'd been called a "racist twerp" and kicked out of class by the same English teacher who once tried to have another kid suspended for using the word "titillate", because apparently it's "pornographic". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52863

You deserved it

4343

Favorite

By fml - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my dad told me I was folding my laundry all wrong. I said with a smirk, "A little clothes-minded, are we?" He slapped me. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55385

You deserved it

12070

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 20:02

This guy is a GENIUS

Today, in a bid to avoid going to the dentist, my husband decided to have one of his drunk buddies pull his tooth out with pliers. Now he has to have surgery to remove the shards of tooth left rotting in his mouth. It’s going to cost thousands. Thanks babe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1054

You deserved it

175

Favorite

By Gracie-Ann - United States - Portland

Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

56580

You deserved it

4794

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6464612 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:23

Haha, okay, SURE. Riddle me this: what does MPH stand for if not Mustiness Per Human?

By JayRod17 | 12

#6464593 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:15

Well I wish it could be low, so you could say it's his IQ

COMMENTS

By jakers8424 | 18

#6464586 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:13

What did his read

higgysaurus | 18

#6464735 - Thursday 19 November 2015 2:48

These go up to 11...

dcam13 | 19

#6464845 - Thursday 19 November 2015 6:12

ignorance is bliss.

By JayRod17 | 12

#6464593 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:15

Well I wish it could be low, so you could say it's his IQ

By Xealkry | 18

#6464594 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:15

Clearly he doesn't do research. Show him online.

By MELKOZAR | 27

#6464595 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:16

That's pretty terrible not to know that.

By rachelthelime_fml | 29

#6464596 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:16

How would one measure body odor? What kind of scake would exist?

Mackade | 18

#6464636 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:33

i think theyd use a scale.

rachelthelime_fml | 29

#6464903 - Thursday 19 November 2015 8:59

Of what kind though? Numbers, or other smells?

By 2C0OL4SCH0OL | 17

#6464603 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:19

Does he even go to school?

PePziNL | 20

#6464737 - Thursday 19 November 2015 2:51

Nope, he's 2CO0L4 that.

8313girl | 28

#6465166 - Thursday 19 November 2015 18:17

Maybe he was dropped on his head. I mean who doesn't know what an odometer is for. Smh

By BShek | 12

#6464604 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:19

Oh my god... Everybody nose that...

cyrus8591 | 5

#6464679 - Thursday 19 November 2015 1:22

Was that a pun

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6464763 - Thursday 19 November 2015 3:55

Pun? You should have smelt that from a mile away

IndianaJoe0321 | 19

#6464827 - Thursday 19 November 2015 5:27

I see what you did there ...

WaTwatooie | 5

#6464910 - Thursday 19 November 2015 9:23

CN oahou lalaalla bGAGEL SANDWICH BENISSSSS :DDDDDDD

WANGO

By vikky538 | 28

#6464606 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:21

I can smell the stupid odor

By SecundusSecunda | 27

#6464608 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:22

Fart and walk out while telling him to use the odometer.
It is the only way.

By Tripartita | 44

#6464612 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:23

Haha, okay, SURE. Riddle me this: what does MPH stand for if not Mustiness Per Human?

WinterChild | 20

#6464784 - Thursday 19 November 2015 4:30

Uh pretty sure it's monomaniacal photogenic hummus...

paravoz | 30

#6464892 - Thursday 19 November 2015 8:09

it is a pain scale that measures from 1- 160 My Penis Hurts (mph)

ladycryptic | 19

#6464922 - Thursday 19 November 2015 10:10

Well duh, everyone knows that! /s