Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him...

By facepalm - 18/11/2015 15:42 - United States

Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him that odometers measure distance traveled, not a person's body odor. FML

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Miscellaneous

Big baby man

The best cat

Everyone's an expert

By waitforit - 23/4/2009 11:42 - United States

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

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By NewlyChildaphobic - 17/11/2009 14:50 - Ireland

Today, I was minding a 6-year old boy. He begged me to take him somewhere. I rang his Mum, and she said I could. He picked to go to McDonald's. He ordered chicken. After his meal, he told me he was vegetarian, and wanted to try some meat while his Mum wasn't around. I got the blame. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2018 18:00

Today, my brother threw a mug at my head and threatened to stab anybody who came at him because I woke him up for school. I called the police after threats were thrown at my mom, who then lied to them and said I overreacted. I'm currently getting the silent treatment from my family. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, I flew in to visit my long distance girlfriend. When I got out of the cab, I saw her way down the street walking the dog, so I hid behind the bushes to scare/suprise her. Mission accomplished. I just wish I hadn't bought her that pepper spray. FML

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By campmom - 8/7/2009 05:02

Today, my nine year old son went around telling everyone that me and my husband had a "foursome" last month. It turns out that some douchebag counselor at the camp he goes to thought it would be funny to tell him that a foursome was a divorce. All of his friend's parents think we're kinky freaks. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2016 15:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got let go from my job, because my personal cell phone doesn't always have signal, so I missed an important call from work. My contract specifically said I'd get a work phone, which never happened. FML

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By reallyson? - 12/1/2015 05:28 - United States - South Hadley

Today, I got undressed in front of my boyfriend for the first time. His reaction? "You're chubbier than I expected". FML

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By ohhhgross - 26/10/2009 18:32 - Singapore

Today, while I was eating, my younger sister came over and sat beside me. She started clipping her toenails. Disgusted by it, I turned and opened my mouth to tell her to move somewhere else, just as one flew inside my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2016 18:04 - United States - Newtown Square

Today, my girlfriend launched her own business. I was recently laid off from my job, so I offered to be her very first employee. I now have the glamorous job of bleaching people's assholes. FML

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By fuck you, kid - 16/7/2014 18:56 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I babysat a 9-year-old kid for the first time. The moment his parents left the house, the little shit looked me dead in the eyes and let me know that if I didn't let him do whatever he wanted, he'd tell his parents that I touched him in his "no-no place". Suddenly I hate kids. FML

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By Gretchen - 25/2/2011 01:56

Today, I went to see my banker. As we were finishing everything up, I leaned forward to sign something. As I went back to sit down, my 2 year old pulled the chair out from under me, and I crashed down to the floor. FML

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By appendicitisanyone - 28/12/2016 17:44 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I awoke to the pain of appendicitis. Apparently it isn't a good enough reason to miss court. I now have a warrant out for my arrest. FML

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By single - 1/7/2011 09:12 - China

Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML

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By Chelsea - 18/5/2013 08:57 - Australia - Perth

Today, my bag got stolen with all of my belongings at the beach. After being forced to ask strangers for money, I then travelled home on the train for an hour, wearing only a bikini. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2016 21:10 - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out it's possible to dislocate your jaw just by yawning. Now I'm in the ER, looking like a total psycho. FML

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By frenchgirl - 23/11/2009 06:59 - United States

Today, I saw one of my favorite hockey players in public. I had met him once before, and to my shock, he remembered me. I was pretty excited until he started talking to his friend in French. He didn't seem to realize that I'm fluent in the language. He basically called me "ugly psycho bitch." FML

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By elisimo - 24/1/2012 08:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and eating a burger. Feeling frisky, I sat up and took off my shirt. He looked at my chest, at his burger, then back at me and said, "Give me a minute, I don't want my food to get cold." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2011 05:36 - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend called me as I was getting ready for bed and asked me to pick him up from the bar. Being a loving girlfriend I drive the 45 minutes; when I get there his friend informs me he left about 45 minutes ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 15:45 - United States

Today, in science class, we had to make play-dough with our lab partners. We were allowed to put one thing in it to make it more bouncy or rubbery. My partner said that he wanted to put a chicken wing in ours. FML

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By anonymous - 10/11/2016 14:29 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2012 02:47 - United States - Newark

Today, after dieting, rigorous exercising and a major lifestyle change, I have finally reached my fitness goal. My parents were more excited about my 17-year-old brother getting to 3rd base with his girlfriend. FML

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By Drew - 1/6/2019 18:00

Today, I was sitting at home when the police knocked on my door. They came inside, sat me down and told me that both my parents died in a car crash tonight. I started to cry, but about 10 minutes later, I find out they had the wrong person. I feel bad for the other guy. FML

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By jennahh - 10/7/2019 22:00

Today, I had a sexual dream about my ex, and I woke up after saying his name. My boyfriend was awake, and heard all the dirty talk and me moaning my ex-boyfriend's name. FML

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By hater - 16/3/2010 10:55

Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML

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By khaoslife - 18/4/2015 03:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I had to have a cervical biopsy. The doctor said I would feel slight cramping as she scraped cells from inside the cervix. I guess by "slight cramping" she meant I would shit, throw up, and then pass out. FML

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By Annoyed - 28/10/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother told me she bought the same perfume that my boyfriend got me for Christmas last year. He loves that perfume. Now, whenever he smells me, he's going to think of his mom. FML

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By littlekellilee - 16/9/2016 04:27 - Canada

Today, I was told I have narcolepsy, and I've it for a year and a half. When asked why I didn't go to a doctor before, I answered that I'd always assumed it was a normal adult thing to fall asleep randomly because of how everyone says they're always exhausted. Apparently not. FML

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By theyre not THAT big. - 1/7/2013 04:35 - United States - Auburn

Today, I went to get new shoes. I'm a pretty tall girl and I have proportional feet. I asked the cute guy who worked there for a size 9.5. He burst into laughter before putting on a shocked face and saying, "Oh wait... You're serious." Goodbye, self esteem. FML

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By Cashier - 9/3/2011 05:36 - Canada

Today, I was at work as a grocery store cashier. I felt a hand slap my ass. Turning around I saw an old man winking at me and I screamed. When my manager came to deal with the problem she didn't believe me and gave the man a $25 gift card for 'the trouble' I caused. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 18:41 - United States - Barrington

Today, I went to get an HPV vaccine after being convinced to by my mom. I stayed in the waiting room afterwards, because the vaccine has the possible side-effect of causing fainting. I didn't faint; instead, I spent the next 15 minutes giggling uncontrollably like a psycho. FML

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By I'm out - 6/9/2016 17:02 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I found a thong at my boyfriend's house. When I confronted him about it, he panicked and claimed it was his mom's. Right. FML

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By stupid - 24/9/2009 01:18 - United States

Today, I had to hand write a 10 page essay for one of my classes. When I turned it in I got an automatic zero. It was written in blue. Not black. FML

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By Shrekkk - 2/7/2019 06:14

Today, I accidentally connected my phone to my mum's headphones while watching porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2009 20:02 - Canada

Today, I ran into a guy that I had gone on a few dates with 3 months ago and slept with him a few times, but then never heard from him again. When he looked at me, I went over and gave him a hug and said "Hey, how are you, Chris?". He hugged me back and said "Hey there cutie, what's your name?". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 17:35 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my boss asked me if I had any special plans for Christmas. After I told him I was planning a trip to Canada, he snapped, "Well, you can forget it. I need you at the office." FML

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By brazo667 - 9/2/2015 23:07 - United States - Fort Stewart

Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "zoinks". FML

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By anon - 7/2/2010 00:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

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By fuck you, dad - 8/2/2014 20:54 - United States - Bellflower

Today, my family and I were celebrating my dad's birthday. The two of us were standing by the pool chatting, and I jokingly said "You're old now." I suppose I should have expected him to shove me into the pool, my phone still in hand, and retort, "You're soaked now." FML

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By teacher - 25/1/2013 05:25 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I led a class of grade-two pupils on an excursion to the zoo. When we went to see the lions I was put in a position where I had to explain to seven and eight year olds why one lion was "bouncing" on top of the other one. FML

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By I'm so sorry... - 1/3/2017 16:00

Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6464612 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:23

Haha, okay, SURE. Riddle me this: what does MPH stand for if not Mustiness Per Human?

By JayRod17 | 12

#6464593 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:15

Well I wish it could be low, so you could say it's his IQ

Comments

By jakers8424 | 18

#6464586 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:13

What did his read

higgysaurus | 18

#6464735 - Thursday 19 November 2015 2:48

These go up to 11...

dcam13 | 19

#6464845 - Thursday 19 November 2015 6:12

ignorance is bliss.

By JayRod17 | 12

#6464593 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:15

Well I wish it could be low, so you could say it's his IQ

By Xealkry | 18

#6464594 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:15

Clearly he doesn't do research. Show him online.

By MELKOZAR | 27

#6464595 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:16

That's pretty terrible not to know that.

By rachelthelime_fml | 29

#6464596 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:16

How would one measure body odor? What kind of scake would exist?

Mackade | 18

#6464636 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:33

i think theyd use a scale.

rachelthelime_fml | 29

#6464903 - Thursday 19 November 2015 8:59

Of what kind though? Numbers, or other smells?

By 2C0OL4SCH0OL | 17

#6464603 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:19

Does he even go to school?

PePziNL | 20

#6464737 - Thursday 19 November 2015 2:51

Nope, he's 2CO0L4 that.

8313girl | 28

#6465166 - Thursday 19 November 2015 18:17

Maybe he was dropped on his head. I mean who doesn't know what an odometer is for. Smh

By BShek | 12

#6464604 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:19

Oh my god... Everybody nose that...

cyrus8591 | 5

#6464679 - Thursday 19 November 2015 1:22

Was that a pun

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6464763 - Thursday 19 November 2015 3:55

Pun? You should have smelt that from a mile away

IndianaJoe0321 | 19

#6464827 - Thursday 19 November 2015 5:27

I see what you did there ...

WaTwatooie | 5

#6464910 - Thursday 19 November 2015 9:23

CN oahou lalaalla bGAGEL SANDWICH BENISSSSS :DDDDDDD

WANGO

By vikky538 | 28

#6464606 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:21

I can smell the stupid odor

By SecundusSecunda | 27

#6464608 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:22

Fart and walk out while telling him to use the odometer.
It is the only way.

By Tripartita | 44

#6464612 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:23

Haha, okay, SURE. Riddle me this: what does MPH stand for if not Mustiness Per Human?

WinterChild | 20

#6464784 - Thursday 19 November 2015 4:30

Uh pretty sure it's monomaniacal photogenic hummus...

paravoz | 30

#6464892 - Thursday 19 November 2015 8:09

it is a pain scale that measures from 1- 160 My Penis Hurts (mph)

ladycryptic | 19

#6464922 - Thursday 19 November 2015 10:10

Well duh, everyone knows that! /s