Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him...

By facepalm - 18/11/2015 15:42 - United States

Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him that odometers measure distance traveled, not a person's body odor. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Buzzing the tower

TMI

By Puppy problems - 27/10/2013 01:23 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

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By need sleep - 25/2/2015 16:53 - United States - Severna Park

Today, it's been three days since I started working 12-hour night shifts. My neighbors have now decided to renovate their house. They're focusing on the rooms sharing my wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 06:49 - United States

Today, I was skating with my friends and I decided to go to the gas station to get a pack of cigs. The last thing I remember hearing was "Look out!" I am now with twenty stitches because some idiot bet he could throw a brick farther than another guy. FML

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By Robyn_mori - 31/1/2020 05:00 - Canada

The difference

Today, I was shopping for socks and I went to look in the men's section. Dad said: "You don't want those, they are for men." I asked what the difference was? He looked around, and then leaned in and whispered: "Men have a penis!" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2012 06:13 - Canada

Today, while I was on the toilet, my cat managed to climb up behind me, slip and then grip itself to my bare ass. In my haste to get away from the cat, I pooped on the toilet without noticing. Until I sat back down. FML

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By Noname - 22/1/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I got a mailer from Adam and Eve with a bunch of hard core porn ads inside. I have been getting these since i ordered a Pirate porn video a few months ago. I was gone for a few weeks overseas. My mother-in-law was getting the mail. FML

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By Brad - 7/9/2018 18:30

Today, I was on a 3-way call with my wife and the bank. The bank said we didn't qualify for school loans, which means I have to drop out. As soon as the bank hung up, my wife stayed on the line to tell me she wants a divorce and that she regrets our marriage. FML

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By tdiz - 12/10/2010 04:48 - Canada

Today, I was getting frisky with my fiancée when she started talking about her dead great-grandma. FML

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By Jesse - 22/6/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, McDonalds charged me 21 cents for a honey mustard packet. The jerk manager made me break a $50 bill. So I grabbed all their napkins, carried them into the parking lot and tossed them all into the air in protest and drove off. Down the road, I realized I left my wallet at the counter. FML

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By Eloise - 21/3/2017 14:00

Today, I went on my third date with a great guy. We finally got round to talking about his tattoos. All 57 are related to his best friend. All of them. The best friend he never stops talking about. Somehow I don't think this will work out. FML

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By happyshit - 13/10/2011 07:27 - United States

Today, I was driving when I saw someone pulled over on the side of the road. Wanting to help, I pulled over. In so doing, I ran over a nail, which popped my tire. The guy had just pulled over to pee. FML

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By Cow lover - 12/10/2016 14:13 - United States - Schenectady

Today, my girlfriend of five months told me that she had booked us reservations to our town's Halloween barbecue party. When I reminded her that I'm vegan, she told me she specifically got the reservations to help me to quit my "stupid fad". Weird, I never knew being a devout Hindu was a fad. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2013 23:30 - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend gave me the painting he had been working on. It was a heart with wings, my name, and the date we started dating. We have been dating for almost a year and a half. He misspelled my name. FML

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By Ewwwwww - 4/2/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that the rancid stench in my bathroom was a decaying carcass of a mouse in my toilet tank. FML

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By ming - 19/8/2018 14:30

Today, despite being 22 and having near-perfect dental hygiene, I was diagnosed with receding gums and can only eat soft food for the rest of my life. Then the dentist told me that this typically only happens to people over fifty who don’t take care of their teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2012 14:43 - United States

Today, my crazy mother-in-law threatened to camp out outside my house so she will "never get left out" of our lives, all because we called instead of sending a written invitation to my three-year-old's birthday party. I actually believe she's crazy enough to do it. FML

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By everybodypoops - 2/8/2017 20:00

"Pooping and Shit"

Today, while at a rest stop, I heard a woman in the stall next to me answer her phone and say to the other person, "Oh nothing just pooping and shit." FML

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By shameless - 28/4/2013 22:24 - United States - Canton

Today, I agreed to go on a date with the creepy guy from my Economics class because I'm so broke that I could really use the free meal. FML

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By darthinvader - 16/7/2010 00:17 - United States

Today, I took some new allergy medicine I had never tried before, and I didn't bother reading the side effects. I then went to school. It was almost an hour before dismissal when I had felt a warm feeling on my legs. One of the side effects to my new medicine was bladder control problems. FML

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By carless - 29/10/2014 15:24 - United States

Today, I watched as the teenage neighbor girl tried to parallel-park between me and my wife's cars. She was doing pretty well until she backed into mine, got scared, hit the accelerator and ran into my wife's. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 01:13 - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML

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By sarika - 24/7/2015 00:12 - United States - Appleton

Today, I had to explain to my boss that I was late to work because somehow my hand slipped when I was brushing my teeth, and I hit myself in the eye with the brush. I had to remove my contacts, wash my eye, and find my glasses. He didn't believe me, but at least my eye is minty fresh. FML

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By mandygeegoesnom - 29/2/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, while waiting for my boyfriend to get out of the shower, I chatted with his grandma. As soon as we hear him exit the restroom, she smirks at me and lets a huge, smelly fart out. She blamed it on me. My boyfriend believed her. FML

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By CatLover - 6/11/2014 18:30 - United States - Bartow

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

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By gutted - 21/4/2011 08:33 - New Zealand

Today, one of my really close friends changed from being 'free' to 'quite busy' in the space of one conversation because I suggested that we hang out. FML

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By wtf - 31/7/2010 23:31 - United States

Today, I got married. During the reception my husband got drunk and told 200+ people that we met at a dingy bar and that we "totally banged" all night. I don't know what's worse, the fact he embarrassed me in front of everyone I know, or if it was that that was not how we met. Not even close. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2010 07:58 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me for six months with my best friend of five years. After asking him what she had that I didn't, he responded with one word - "Boobies." FML

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By inked - 5/2/2012 05:54 - United States

Today, I showed off my new tattoo to my friends. Too bad it says "Walk Earless" now instead of "Walk Fearless." That's right, I'm now supporting Van Gogh. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 01:53 - United States

Today, instead of watching a movie like a normal family, we performed random acts of kindness by handing out roses to total strangers in the freezing cold. No one would take them. FML

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By Droolgirl - 26/5/2009 01:25 - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant. I was drinking some water when I noticed a hot guy eating alone at another table waving at me. I smiled back, but had forgotten to swallow the water so it dribbled out of my mouth all over my shirt. FML

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By Doggy... - 10/11/2011 05:56 - Australia

Today, my neighbours watched and laughed as I chased my dog around the lawn, trying to rescue the only clean pair of underwear I had in my house. FML

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By fmljae - 20/1/2011 09:11

Today, I rented a 4x4 to take my wife to a secret secluded beach for our anniversary. I got as close as I could to the spot and parked on the beach. After a few romantic hours we returned to find the car half way up the windows with water. I forgot it was king tide. FML

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By desperate - 26/9/2009 14:15 - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

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By TzarErik - 6/8/2014 23:33 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, at work in a library, I found a dirty diaper stuffed under one of the public use computer desks. Not only was it leaking, but it had been run over several times by a rolling office chair. I had to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 20:01

What goes around…

Today, my wife demanded that I cut all ties with my best friend, just because she doesn't like the jokes he tells. Now she's bitching that she's upset because his wife, who she works with, is talking about her. FML

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By pistonsunshine - 10/10/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2013 18:53 - United Kingdom - Birkenhead

Today, for the second time this week, I was asked to stop putting on such an obviously fake "British" accent. I am British and have lived here all my life. FML

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By Rae - 30/7/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

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By IT_4_Hire - 10/5/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, I received a list of employee names who were losing their jobs and I had to remove them from the system as I work for IT. I was on the list. That's right. My last responsibility as an employee was removing myself from the system for security reasons. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2013 15:34 - United States

Today, it's my 17th birthday. The only person who remembered was the creepy guy in my English class who keeps trying to smell my hair. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6464612 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:23

Haha, okay, SURE. Riddle me this: what does MPH stand for if not Mustiness Per Human?

By JayRod17 | 12

#6464593 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:15

Well I wish it could be low, so you could say it's his IQ

COMMENTS

By jakers8424 | 18

#6464586 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:13

What did his read

higgysaurus | 18

#6464735 - Thursday 19 November 2015 2:48

These go up to 11...

dcam13 | 19

#6464845 - Thursday 19 November 2015 6:12

ignorance is bliss.

By JayRod17 | 12

#6464593 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:15

Well I wish it could be low, so you could say it's his IQ

By Xealkry | 18

#6464594 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:15

Clearly he doesn't do research. Show him online.

By MELKOZAR | 27

#6464595 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:16

That's pretty terrible not to know that.

By rachelthelime_fml | 29

#6464596 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:16

How would one measure body odor? What kind of scake would exist?

Mackade | 18

#6464636 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:33

i think theyd use a scale.

rachelthelime_fml | 29

#6464903 - Thursday 19 November 2015 8:59

Of what kind though? Numbers, or other smells?

By 2C0OL4SCH0OL | 17

#6464603 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:19

Does he even go to school?

PePziNL | 20

#6464737 - Thursday 19 November 2015 2:51

Nope, he's 2CO0L4 that.

8313girl | 28

#6465166 - Thursday 19 November 2015 18:17

Maybe he was dropped on his head. I mean who doesn't know what an odometer is for. Smh

By BShek | 12

#6464604 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:19

Oh my god... Everybody nose that...

cyrus8591 | 5

#6464679 - Thursday 19 November 2015 1:22

Was that a pun

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6464763 - Thursday 19 November 2015 3:55

Pun? You should have smelt that from a mile away

IndianaJoe0321 | 19

#6464827 - Thursday 19 November 2015 5:27

I see what you did there ...

WaTwatooie | 5

#6464910 - Thursday 19 November 2015 9:23

CN oahou lalaalla bGAGEL SANDWICH BENISSSSS :DDDDDDD

WANGO

By vikky538 | 28

#6464606 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:21

I can smell the stupid odor

By SecundusSecunda | 27

#6464608 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:22

Fart and walk out while telling him to use the odometer.
It is the only way.

By Tripartita | 44

#6464612 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:23

Haha, okay, SURE. Riddle me this: what does MPH stand for if not Mustiness Per Human?

WinterChild | 20

#6464784 - Thursday 19 November 2015 4:30

Uh pretty sure it's monomaniacal photogenic hummus...

paravoz | 30

#6464892 - Thursday 19 November 2015 8:09

it is a pain scale that measures from 1- 160 My Penis Hurts (mph)

ladycryptic | 19

#6464922 - Thursday 19 November 2015 10:10

Well duh, everyone knows that! /s