Health: Today, my breakfast disagreed with me and I shit myself unexpectedly...

By Whoops... - 02/09/2018 14:30

Today, my breakfast disagreed with me and I shit myself unexpectedly at the laundromat, right after starting the washer with all of my other pants in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 715

You deserved it 284

Health

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Dysfunctional

Stand up guy

By alissa_roar - 18/04/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me I was being too obsessive. This is the guy who has gone through my phone two separate times and deleted all of my male contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 710

You deserved it 8 482

By Anonymous - 09/07/2019 18:00

Today, my stress sweat overpowered my prescription strength deodorant 45 minutes into an 8-hour shift. I don't know who is more miserable, me or my coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 160

By Anonymous - 16/05/2013 20:54 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I attended a cooking class with my co-workers. As the chef prepared to cut up a load of onions for his dish, he warned us to be ready for the "typical reactions". Everyone teared up. Meanwhile, I popped a boner. So much for typical. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 204

You deserved it 9 420

By milked - 27/02/2015 05:28 - United States

Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 278

You deserved it 6 832

By ohhdear.___. - 26/03/2012 14:54 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I found out my 12 year old daughter is going through a bit of an "emotional" stage. I got a call from her school saying she was sitting in the corner at recess trying to cut her wrist. With a plastic spoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 388

You deserved it 5 453

By Anonymous - 08/11/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, my Halloween costume finally showed up in the mail. Their consolation for a late delivery? A 50 cent discount. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 008

You deserved it 2 795

Hi uncle, I'm dad

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 00:30

Today, I found out I'm an uncle. Normally this would be great news, except I have spent the last 8 years thinking I was her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 848

You deserved it 56

By EllieJ - 23/03/2011 15:22

Today, I opened a cupboard and a brick fell on my head. The same brick my mum put up there to "keep it out of the way". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 870

You deserved it 4 366

Here, have a Turner Prize

By RunningMurphy - 15/05/2009 07:20 - United States

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 548

You deserved it 2 739

By RetailRage - 10/08/2015 12:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job working retail, I had just finished cleaning and straightening a whole aisle. This kid watched me do the whole thing. When I was done, he stuck his arm out, and ran it down the whole shelf, knocking everything off it. His mother just grabbed his hand and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 917

You deserved it 1 847

By bandit99999 - 19/08/2011 18:59 - United States

Today, to keep my phone safe while I went on some rides, I took it out of my pocket so I could put it in my bag. Just as I pulled it out, a woman ran into me, knocking my phone to the ground and breaking the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 989

You deserved it 2 841

By Anonymous - 18/05/2009 16:46 - Egypt

Today, the man I was going to dinner with got me the most expensive necklace. We got to the table he had reserved when his friend comes and sits with us. Somehow the subject of getting it on comes up. My date then says "expensive jewelry - one way ticket to her pants". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 931

You deserved it 6 688

By Ihatebuses - 14/06/2018 19:00

Today, while getting on a city bus, I sat down on a urine-soaked seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 796

You deserved it 315

By -____- - 05/10/2013 21:28 - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 228

You deserved it 7 381

By Anonymous - 24/05/2013 07:18 - United States

Today, my piano teacher complimented my song, calling it great. I was proud and thanked him, then realized he was being sarcastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 630

You deserved it 4 892

By anne - 17/06/2017 22:00

Today, I happily told my husband I'm pregnant. He happily informed me that very, VERY large babies run in his family, and even though he was born 3 weeks early, he still weighed 15 lbs. The smallest baby to ever be born into his family was his great grandmother, who was 12 lbs. OH GOD, THE PAIN. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 037

You deserved it 762

By swimmonster81 - 25/12/2015 21:22

Today, my mother told me how she managed to afford all of the expensive Christmas presents we got. She took out extra money when applying for my student loans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 744

You deserved it 1 555

By AnonCat - 21/01/2013 01:47 - Canada - Vegreville

Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 966

You deserved it 3 653

By jacks_smirking_revenge - 06/03/2009 22:31 - United States

Today, while out to lunch, my sister called me and asked me to pick her up from the mall. I told her she'd have to wait. She got pissed off and started cursing at me, so I hung up on her. She called me back 37 times until I answered and yelled "WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?" It was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 624

You deserved it 52 280

By sisterlylove - 10/01/2015 19:02 - United States - Hannibal

Today, I found three of my sister's dildos as I helped her unpack boxes for her new house. Jokingly, I said, "Why would you even need three?!" She actually explained. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 307

You deserved it 13 819

Still better off without him

By victimofakarmicbackfire - 12/02/2021 04:58

Today, my sister showed me my arrogant, misogynistic, cheating ex’s Facebook. Since we broke up, he’s become an officer in the Marines and has traveled the world. I’m clinically depressed and in poverty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 964

You deserved it 246

Divorce impending

By Anonymous - 04/05/2021 20:01

Today, I got a phone call from my husband in jail. He was detained for statutory rape. The girl was his 15 year-old coworker at McDonald’s. He’s 42. I can’t tell which is worse, the fact that we have a daughter the same age, or that he actually wanted me to bail him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 657

You deserved it 96

By offended - 14/06/2012 08:11 - United States - East Hampton

Today, I was out to coffee with an extremely attractive friend. A crazy man came up to the window we were facing. He took one look at her, then turned to me with a big, congratulatory smile, flashing me a thumbs-up. Then he turned to her, frowned disappointedly and gave a thumbs-down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 474

You deserved it 2 425

By Anonymous - 19/10/2009 07:10 - Indonesia

Today, when I proposed to my girlfriend of 8 years, she said no because she thought we were moving too fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 700

You deserved it 3 392

By Anonymous - 01/05/2013 21:48 - United States

Today, my co-worker and I played a game where we give each other the bird in whatever creative manner we could come up with. Deciding to be sneaky, I hid behind a wall with my middle finger up as I heard him walking into the office. It was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 147

You deserved it 40 790

It's not me, it's you

By notjustfat - 20/04/2016 23:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he was no longer sexually attracted to me. He then followed that with, "But don't worry, it's not because you're fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 607

You deserved it 2 312

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 824

You deserved it 3 003

By sorry dawg - 29/08/2019 20:00

Today, my coworker had been distraught over not being able to keep his dog after his divorce, so trying to be sweet, I'd ordered a specially-made stuffy that looked like it. I put it on his desk with a note and cookies. He thought I was mocking him and threw the plate at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 707

You deserved it 297

By Anonymous - 16/05/2017 20:00

Today, I accidentally superglued my hand to my grandmother's ornate fan while trying to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 388

You deserved it 803

Fuck paddleboarders

By Anonymous - 13/07/2021 00:01 - United States - Miami Beach

Today, some paddleboarders screamed bloody murder and called marine patrol on my family's friends, because the paddleboarders thought they were going to get hit or run over or whatever, even though they were politely asked to move out of the way multiple times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 691

You deserved it 177

By adopted apparently - 23/03/2019 12:00

Today, I found out the joke I’ve been telling for 15 years is true. I am adopted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 274

You deserved it 348

By Anonymous - 08/01/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 343

You deserved it 31 343

By Anonymous - 04/01/2009 05:24 - France

Today, I withdrew $120 from the ATM at the hotel I'm staying at, only to have no money come out. When I talked to the concierge, who witnessed the whole thing, she said it had been happening all day and that the machine was broken. My bank says it's the hotel's problem, and the hotel says it's the bank's problem. Either way, I'm out $120. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 685

You deserved it 2 037

By emoflowers - 10/04/2012 02:51 - United States - Amarillo

Today, my mother made me see the doctor to see if I had irritable bowel syndrome, on the account of how often I go to the restroom. I then had to admit I only go in there to get away from my family. My doctor thought it was hilarious. My mom didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 395

You deserved it 3 321

By Anonymous - 30/06/2012 09:45

Today, in an attempt to be sexy, my boyfriend picked me up and threw me down onto the bed. I fell straight through it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 236

You deserved it 5 652

By Sous_Chef - 11/12/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, my roommate came in slamming the front door. I guess he doesn't know that you can't throw hot water on frozen windows. He came up all pissed and called his insurance because he cracked the windshield. We have the same car, in the same exact color. Turns out he threw the water on mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 856

You deserved it 3 078

By Anonymous - 12/03/2015 03:19 - United States - Watertown

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. It was going OK, until he started asking me if he should stick with the site until he finds the right person. I guess I know how he feels about me, at least. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 581

You deserved it 2 890

By Lonile13 - 07/09/2016 03:28 - Philippines

Today, after 2 years and 5 months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 070

You deserved it 5 358

By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 13:42 - Reserved

Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 685

You deserved it 3 502

By BestBF - 23/04/2013 23:22 - United States - Omaha

Today, I decided to be playful and leave my girlfriend flowers and chocolates from an "Anonymous Admirer". She immediately dumped me, saying she couldn't be with someone who "isn't even as romantic as a stranger". Yep, I think I just got dumped for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 213

You deserved it 8 702

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Top comments

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Sunday 26 August 2018 0:47

At least you could get them cleaned right away. And don't worry about standing around in your underwear while waiting. Own it.

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 2 September 2018 14:51

You ought to go to that new church founded by Father Poopypants.

Comments

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Sunday 26 August 2018 0:47

At least you could get them cleaned right away. And don't worry about standing around in your underwear while waiting. Own it.

AstroTurfMatador 11

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Monday 3 September 2018 5:34

Considering that he shit himself, his underwear took the brunt of the punishment, so I don't think that would work.

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 2 September 2018 14:51

You ought to go to that new church founded by Father Poopypants.

PhoenixChick 26

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Sunday 2 September 2018 19:51

Sounds like perfect timing to me. Unless your out of quarters.

ChromoTec 24

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Sunday 2 September 2018 20:02

Well, it's just like what it says on the machine: "Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out"

AstroTurfMatador 11

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Monday 3 September 2018 5:37

I don't really see a problem here. I'd rather stand around in wet pants than pants loaded with shit.

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 145

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123

You deserved it 295

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 537

You deserved it 668