Miscellaneous: Today, my boyfriend was leaving for work. From the other room... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 258

You deserved it 64

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 121

You deserved it 1 091

19/08/2009 18:10

Today, my boyfriend was leaving for work. From the other room I heard him call out, "see you soon beautiful." Touched, I went to give him a parting kiss. He stopped me and said, "I was talking to the cat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 674

You deserved it 4 782

And today, on Dr Phil…

Leave us alone

Coherence dude, do you have it?

11/10/2011 20:05

Today, I was threatened with suspension from school because of my nose piercing. I had to explain that it's actually a pimple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 411

You deserved it 2 924

Too many cooks, etc.

By hazyshadows - 18/03/2020 17:02

Today, I tried to make a grilled cheese sandwich for myself, but as soon as I started, my mom rushed into the kitchen and criticized me for making it "wrong". She then made the sandwich for me. It tasted significantly worse than when I make them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 640

You deserved it 157

From 100 to 0 real fast

By Anonymous - 26/06/2021 07:01

Spicy

Today, my fuckbuddy is hot as fuck; the kisses and touches are intense. We went to bed for the first time and I was expecting fireworks, since everything else so far has been like nothing I've ever experienced. He came before we even started. Twice. I have a fuckbuddy that I can't fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 302

25/10/2012 19:43

Today, trying to be nice, I asked my little sister how school was. She burst into a temper tantrum and screamed at me to fuck off. She's eight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 552

You deserved it 2 537

21/07/2014 15:58

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The officer was nice and let me off with just a warning. That is, until my dipshit brother yelled "Fucking pig!" out the window as the officer walked back to his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 518

You deserved it 22 187

08/08/2010 19:38

Today, I found out that my "secret admirer" I've been exchanging letters with for the last three months, and even started developing feelings for, is actually my ex best friend trying to pull a prank on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 808

You deserved it 6 796

23/07/2019 12:00

Today, I got overly excited because someone texted me, but then realized that moments before, I had sent myself a message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 287

You deserved it 381

02/08/2011 04:13

Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 380

You deserved it 9 126

Mystery

By DaigCrainielson - 12/10/2020 14:01

Today, I found out I had 3/4s of a Cheezit stuck in my sinus. No one knows how it got there, but the doctors found it while testing for COVID. I have an appointment soon to remove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 976

You deserved it 202

22/04/2016 21:25

Spicy

Today, I went to the local clinic and I met a really cute guy. We hit it off quite well, and he asked me out. It's like The Fault in Our Stars, but instead of cancer, we have STDs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 703

You deserved it 7 360

12/08/2009 06:20

Today, whilst babysitting, I broke a glass. I explained to the kid that it was very important not to walk barefoot around where it had happened, because of the tiny bits of glass. He jumped back, scared, and while doing so tripped. I rushed to help him and ran through the broken glass. Barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 278

You deserved it 12 844

Et tu, Brute?

By FML - 10/09/2017 16:00

Today, I returned home from my aunt's funeral abroad to find my boyfriend in bed with my sister, who claimed she was unable to fly due to the flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 740

You deserved it 296

23/11/2010 03:58

Today, I went over to my mother-in-law's house to have dinner. I was excited she invited me, since I thought she didn't like me. I ended up hanging her Christmas lights in a snowstorm while they had s'mores by the fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 385

You deserved it 4 172

21/07/2019 16:15

Today, the neighbors' kid got a new airhorn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 961

You deserved it 78

Our anniversary

By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blowjob from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 367

You deserved it 478

21/03/2014 03:04

Today, my mom decided to follow me during my driving test. She rear ended me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 031

You deserved it 3 367

31/05/2011 16:47

Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 087

You deserved it 4 882

22/06/2015 00:50

Today, I was invited to a fancy-shmancy charity event, and the host - my friend - told me to wear a long, ballroom, fancy gown. Turns out my friend was just being a dick and it was a pool party. I spent $200 on my hair and makeup alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 998

You deserved it 5 145

18/03/2009 07:59

Today, I was in an elevator with my brother and a woman. He signs to me that she has a 'damn fine ass'. I chuckle and then shake my head. He shrugs. A second later the woman signs to us, 'Rick, don't you remember me?' Turns out she helped teach my brother sign language when he was six. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 895

You deserved it 25 822

05/07/2014 20:19

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 342

You deserved it 15 921

03/09/2018 03:30

Today, I have to figure out how to tell my vision-impaired father that his ex-girlfriend left their double pronged dildo out on his dresser when she moved out. I see it when I bring him his coffee every morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 127

You deserved it 356

26/02/2014 09:45

Today, my boss fired me. I can't really explain the slap I gave him for it, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 414

You deserved it 37 789

24/04/2013 04:55

Today, I was fired on my second day of work after a year and a half of unemployment. Apparently, my "tendency to solve problems instead of just accepting them made the other workers uneasy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 547

You deserved it 3 618

14/12/2009 01:27

Today, I went to the grocery store where this really cute guy works. I swiped my card but the machine wouldn't read it. I swiped it quickly some more before getting frustrated and saying, "Your stupid machine doesn't work!" He took the card and turned it around. His face said it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 960

You deserved it 39 515

24/05/2016 14:05

Today, I tried to change my usually stoic behaviour and be friendly to a coworker. Now she is convinced that I finally went insane and intend to murder her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 723

You deserved it 1 082

09/12/2009 05:25

Today, I was eating a bag of almonds I got from the bulk food store, picking off what I thought was stringy remnants of their shells. When I finally got down to the bottom of the bag, I found a silk worm circling around the last almond left of a bag of about 200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 279

You deserved it 6 070

Don't go to Sunn O))) concerts, kids

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 12:01

Today, my doctor told me that the intense, non stop ringing in my ears, which started suddenly at the beginning of the year, has no cure, no treatment options, and I just need to learn to live with it. I have severe auditory sensory issues, and have barely been getting by. I don't know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 037

You deserved it 73

17/10/2009 11:13

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 028

You deserved it 2 387

Deadlines whooshing by

By Anonymous - 11/03/2021 15:30

Today, my Computer Science professor posted an assignment that's due right before our Monday class… on Monday morning. I wouldn't have even thought to check for assignments this morning if he hadn't done the same thing last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 76

Take that

By anonymous - 26/01/2010 12:55

Today, I was at my Muay Thai class. We were doing a combination which consisted of a low kick, body kick and head kick. My partner had already done the low kick so I held the pads for the body kick. He kicked me straight in the jaw. I'm a teenage girl and he's a fully grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 187

You deserved it 3 775

06/11/2012 18:29

Today, I started my new job as the only IT tech for my office. My first task: untangling the hundred mice the previous tech tied together for "fun". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 778

You deserved it 1 773

05/10/2009 04:16

Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 893

You deserved it 39 930

01/12/2009 17:15

Today, I woke up early and made my boyfriend french toast. When he woke up, he yelled at me because it was his dish day and I was creating more dishes for him to do. He made me do the dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 076

You deserved it 7 363

26/10/2009 16:24

Today, I was walking in the park when I was hit on the shin by a red ball. I was confused, until it was followed by an enormous German Shepherd dog going at top speed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 301

You deserved it 2 640

14/10/2015 12:41

Today, I got into a minor argument with my fiancé. Deciding it wasn't worth fighting over, I shrugged and said, "Really, what are we even doing this for?" To which he replied, "Honestly, I don't know. I haven't loved you in years… Oh, you meant about the fight." And just like that, I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 805

You deserved it 2 706

20/11/2011 23:51

Spicy

Today, I went camping and shared a tent with this girl I have been sleeping with here and there for a year. To impress her, I popped a certain male enhancement supplement. Thirty minutes later I found out she was on her period. What a long night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 715

You deserved it 45 956

29/05/2013 18:29

Today, my math teacher raged at a student for eating an apple in class. As he yelled at the student, he slapped the apple out of his hand and right into my face. Everyone laughed, including the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 418

You deserved it 3 827

14/07/2019 06:30

Today, I went on a 50 km bike ride with a friend. We stopped for a break halfway through, and locked our bikes up. When we returned, some guy had locked his bike to mine. We had to wait an hour for him to return. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 929

You deserved it 107

15/03/2016 23:14

Today, I went into a store for an interview. I've had several places wanting to talk to me and this job was a lot lower paying. I got a little cocky and when offered the job, I said I wanted some time to finish my other interviews first and see what my options were. The manager then took back his offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 700

You deserved it 27 514

06/02/2016 01:34

Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 360

You deserved it 2 162

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ALittleBitCrazy 0

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 23:04

Auch, he must love his cat. :p

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 23:04

Aww that sucks. Did he at least try to be nice about it and say something to you after?

Comments

ALittleBitCrazy 0

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 23:04

Auch, he must love his cat. :p

crumblemumble 0

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 23:05

he loves pussayyy :)

The_Chuck_Norris 0

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Thursday 20 August 2009 3:20

he chose the real pussy

I_ate_pikachu 0

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Friday 21 August 2009 4:17

I like how you spelled ouch. xD

AFewScrewsLoose 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 1:38

Pussycat, pussycat, where are you, i loovee youu. :] (8) and wowzer, you ranked lower than a liddle kitty. congrats ^.^

dmj96 0

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Wednesday 24 March 2010 4:59

ya kitties!!!

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Friday 12 August 2011 1:20

let's see the cat make him a sandwich

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 23:04

Aww that sucks. Did he at least try to be nice about it and say something to you after?

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 23:04

Sucks! Anyway, he should call you beautiful more often really, not just to kitty.

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 23:05

where do you live here? i live in vancouver. oh, you should dump his ass btw

trickiestboss 10

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Friday 10 October 2014 6:05

you sound thirsty as fuck

KnightmaerExodus 0

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 23:07

*pushes the so what button*

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Thursday 20 August 2009 0:03

*pushes it again* and also, why is he your boyfriend? He sounds like a total ass. I mean, he can joke about 'talking to the cat' but refusing a kiss? that's a little much. unless he's just not a physical guy, then i suppose you should be used to it

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Thursday 20 August 2009 0:10

*Pushes it one more time*. Why can no one on FML take a joke? Ok maybe he should have kissed her but really some of the stuff on here would make me laugh my ass off and appreciate the fact that I have a witty/funny gf.

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Thursday 20 August 2009 0:59

*Pushes it so hard it breaks* NOW NO ONE CAN PUSH IT!

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 23:08

I'm getting tired of "Today, I can't take a joke. FML"

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 23:08

How could you think he was talking to you. You! HA

shootingstar8D 0

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 23:09

Ewww what a weirdo

xxorganizedmess 0

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 23:12

He was kidding, most likely. Otherwise he's a jerk.

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 23:12

Hope its a female cat. I hope you give them plenty of time to be happy together, like the rest of their lives.