Love: Today, my boyfriend was going to propose. Since he was really...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going to propose. Since he was really nervous, he decided to have a couple of drinks to loosen up. He ended up throwing up and passing out before he could get down on one knee. FML

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Love

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Fancy a pint?

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By CanWeAllGetOne - United States - Houston

Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML

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By ohdear - United Kingdom

Today, I witnessed my drunk grandmother attempting the Single Ladies dance, complete with hip gyrations and ass slapping. FML

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By rhartnett11 - United States

Today, while trying on clothes in Macy's, someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall. I now have a black eye. FML

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By ehcanadianeh - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found $20 under my car seat, so I put it in the cup holder, only for it to fly out of the window while going down the highway. FML

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By Egtat216 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

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By Bewildered - United Kingdom

Today, my teenage son called me at work and started screaming abuse at me. He told me how he never wants to see me again and hopes I die a gruesome death. Why does he feel this way? I beat his high score on Bejewelled 2. FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to hang out at my house. It was also the day my mother decided that our house is a "pants optional zone," and that she should implement that policy immediately. While he was at our house. FML

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By coloris

Today, I came home on crutches. My dog was immediately afraid of them, and came running towards me, growling and barking. She ran right into me, knocking me over. FML

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By TheLostCauseFML - United States - Quitman

Today, I'm so broke that I had a money nightmare. I'd accidentally purchased a single potato for exactly $22 and it was non-refundable. FML

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By Isuckreallybad - 6/2/2021 21:30 - United States

Narcolepsy

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep during sex. This isn't the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 07:30 - New Zealand - Auckland

Eleven Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media

Today, I recently broke up with a girl I care greatly about to spare her having to deal with my mental health issues. Facebook keeps updating me with everything she does. FML

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By yacoob - United States

Today, I figured out that my baby-powder container can be closed by twisting the cap. I just got back from a long trip. My suitcase used to be black. FML

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By John - United States

Today, while leaving McDonald's, I threw a fry out the window to a flock of seagulls. I watched in the rear-view mirror as it landed in the opposite lane and about 60 winged rats descended upon the street, causing a truck to veer off the road and crash. FML

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By not funny but :( - United States - Wooster

Today, while on vacation, I think I met my soul-mate, and quite possibly the love of my life. My vacation is to celebrate my 8-year anniversary with my husband. FML

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By whatnow - United States - Carmel

Today, I fell asleep on the couch while babysitting. When the kids' parents came home, they made fake crying noises to see if I would wake up. I slept like a baby, and by the time they finally roused me, I'd left a nice drool stain on the armrest. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML

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By comics over coatis

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me for starting to give him oral sex because I wasn't paying attention to the Marvel movie he was showing me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 02:02

Interesting hypothesis

Today, I found out that my dad has drunkenly told my sister more than once that he doesn’t love either of us, and even then he prefers her over me. All these years I thought I was crazy for thinking I had any kind of daddy issues, but I guess that must be why I’m a phenomenal fuck. FML

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By pissfaced - New Zealand

Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was seeing my boyfriend for the first time in 3 weeks. I was so excited to see him that I gave him a big hug. He must have been excited to see me too, because he hugged me so tight that he squeezed a fart out of me. FML

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By scarred - France

Today, I found out my mom is the nude model for an art class at my college. FML

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By Emma-Louise - France

Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML

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By tsu3 - Germany

Today, after spending about 5 years to go back to school, get my life together and get a real job, I now make about $100 less a month. I used to work as a dishwasher. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I got a boner at the dentist. FML

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By Anonymous

Fear factor

Today, at about 3:30 a.m. I awoke to the feeling of something dropping on my head. Startled, I turned on the light. It was a gigantic cockroach. I thought I'd killed it, but when I went to collect the body it was gone. I'm too scared to sleep. Even my dog now refuses to be in the bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I began writing thank-you cards for the gifts I got for my 21st birthday. To one set of grandparents, I wrote, "Thank you for the dancing chicken toy," and to the others I wrote, "Thank you for the $10 check." Those were the only gifts. FML

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By karen

I'm a meme

Today, as always, my name is Karen. FML

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By ljd09 - United States

Today, I watched my car roll backwards on the freeway, while attached to the tow truck that I was sitting in. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 21:30

It's the monstaaaaah

Today, a 4 year-old saw me and started crying and screaming like heck. I mean, I knew that I didn't look good, but this is too much. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, I was removing large shrubs from a house. I heard my co-worker yell something, but I couldn't hear him, so I just pulled the stump out anyway. What I realized too late was that he was telling me that there was a swarm of bees living behind the stump. FML

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By MuteNToot

Gassy

Today, my friend was confiding all her problems to me over Skype. I pressed the mute button so I could let out a fart, forgetting I'd already muted it earlier. I broke several minutes of my own silence with a devastating wet one. Now she won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 14:02

Mr. Robot

Today, our computer system has irretrievably broken down due to viruses. My boss is the one who refused to get new antivirus software, but he’s still blaming me because I’m the computer guy and should be able to protect us from stupidly complicated viruses, "like the hackers in the movies." FML

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By unimpressed bride - United States - Traverse City

Today, it's been two weeks since I got married. It's also two weeks since my husband got cold feet about moving in together, because he thinks the sudden change would be too emotionally distressing for his cat. FML

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By missblue97 - United States

Today, my dad asked my step-mom if he could get some booty before bed because he still had energy. He didn't realize I was still in the room. FML

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By jensoulstealer

The Omen 4

Today, my year and a half old daughter has discovered the joy of temper tantrums. She is now throwing them constantly. Everywhere. Anytime. FML

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By Nicole - United States - Bozeman

Today, a friend came to visit me from across the U.S. We spent the majority of the time she was here standing in the rain, at the dog park 20 miles from my house, so she could "make sure her baby poops on time". Basically, I took time off to watch my friend's dog take 6 craps. FML

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By Wells Fargo Worker

Well shit.

Today, at work, we were told by Wells Fargo that we'll be training our foreign replacements from India. After we train them, we're gone. FML

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By fucking_worthless_loser - United States - Concord

Today, I got into an emotional argument with Cleverbot. I ended up apologizing. FML

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By nothowtheydoitinalabama - United States

Today, my dad was complaining about how he makes so little money, so I suggested he invent something. The first thing that came to his mind was an automatic animal masturbator. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to potty train my 2-year-old, I sat her on the toilet and waited for several minutes. I finally gave up and lifted her off the toilet just in time for her to pee on my new shoes. FML

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Top comments

By au8r3yr0ss1 | 0

#146379 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:47

how did you know he was going to propose if he didn't get around to it...

By nammz | 0

#146371 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:45

so...did you say yes or no?

COMMENTS

By wtfreallyin86 | 0

#146364 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:44

quit your bitching. it will happen soon......what a waste of good FML space.

YAY!!! i'M THE FIRST!!

By notthatclever | 0

#146365 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:45

um, how did she deserve this? you guys suck. and your boyfriend is a tard!

By wowfmlife | 0

#146367 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:45

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

chewyca99 | 14

#6209883 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:24

Why?

By skullet | 0

#146368 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:45

wow that sucks... fyl.

By julia19 | 0

#146369 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:45

hahahahha sucky boyfriend...did he ever propose?

By nammz | 0

#146371 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:45

so...did you say yes or no?

By emmaleelee | 0

#146372 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:45

people on here are so mean...

Poor guy. But don't worry, he will eventually.

By JYNXX21 | 0

#146373 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:45

men today....can never get on there knees properly =]

Blatstuff | 0

#847782 - Friday 12 February 2010 9:43

#8 - from looking at your pic I can clearly see why no man has ever gotten on THEIR knees for you...

MY EYES!!! They burn!! Poor girl, lol.

FreakingFYou | 13

#2110358 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 8:03

112 Nice. made me laugh so hard.

By EffinWhosLife | 0

#146378 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:47

When he recovers... he'll be your fiance.
Imagine telling this to your kids!

Whoever is #9 is sexy.

By au8r3yr0ss1 | 0

#146379 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:47

how did you know he was going to propose if he didn't get around to it...

Pacers13 | 11

#6366523 - Thursday 30 July 2015 18:22

Because he told her about it, you dumb fuck