Today, my boyfriend stopped making out with me to watch a thirty... - FML

By T-Pain - 22/4/2009 17:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend stopped making out with me to watch a thirty minute infomercial on the Topsy-Turvy upside down tomato planter. FML

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Fear factor

Nice neighborhood

Emergency haircut

By Anonymous - 26/5/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, both of the roads leading to my small town were washed out by rising flood waters. I now live on an island in the middle of Wyoming. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 00:17 - United States

Today, I realized my mom cares more about Kurt's bullying problem on Glee than she does for mine. FML

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By ohhmydamn - 31/7/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I found out if you slide down the stairs on a foam matress topper, it just folds under instead of sliding. Then you slide the rest of the way down on your knees and break your nose at the bottom. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2018 19:00

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and my boyfriend thought it would be cute to carry me to bed. He knocked my head on the door frame and I pretended it didn't hurt because he felt so bad, but I shouldn't have. I was rushed to the hospital hours later with a concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2016 16:19 - United States - Newark

Today, I had to explain to my friend that a blue raspberry is not a blackberry, and that blue raspberry is an artificial flavor, not a fruit. This explanation took much longer than it should have. FML

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By Noname - 16/2/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML

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By overflowing - 16/4/2011 22:20 - United States

Today, I had to take a mandatory drug test with the doctor present. Nervous, I couldn't get myself to pee in the cup right away. When I finally did, I couldn't stop myself from overfilling the cup and getting pee all over myself. FML

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By Frouse - 4/6/2019 16:00

Today, after getting home from work late last night and feeling lazy, I'd put my leftover dinner in the microwave, spoon and all. I wake up to find one of the kids started the microwave and it blew up because of the metal spoon. FML

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By Anonymus - 31/1/2020 20:00 - Canada - Warkworth

Money first

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

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By amy - 2/4/2018 09:00 - United States

Douchebag Alert!

Today, my brother bragged about the number of break-up texts he sent this week while driving. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he was dating 3 girls, that he broke up with them over text, that he was texting and driving, or that he's proud of his actions. FML

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By fuck you, mum - 11/1/2013 22:19 - United Kingdom

Today, marks the sixth day in a row that my mum has called me to discuss my upcoming wedding. She's obsessed and has intimidated the actual planner I hired into going along with her plans. She's slipped up twice already and accidentally referred to it as her own wedding. Just great. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2012 05:08 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to go into the school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML

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By adeeri - 4/9/2014 01:24 - United States - Jackson

Today, a little kid accidentally ran into me at the pool. He apologized by biting my leg. FML

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By SoupCanoe - 29/8/2011 08:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because 'it's chicken, not salmon'. FML

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By ewwgross - 20/5/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, at my hairdressing job, my first client of the day came in for a cut. Her hair smelled awful, and when I asked her why, she informed me that she'd gotten trashed with some friends the night before, and one of them had puked in her hair. She came to me to get it cleaned out. FML

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By eyegouger15 - 13/11/2015 16:32 - United States

Today, I got out of bed, soaked up the beautiful sunlight, and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. I saw my dad rummaging through the fridge, shirtless and one ball poking through his underwear. I needed to see that about as much as I need ass cancer. FML

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By SlickMcK - 5/6/2010 21:14 - United States

Today, my mother asked me if I'd heard of anal sex. Before I could fully process her question, she explained that it's dangerous because the tissues of the anus are finer and more susceptible to STDs. There were still forty minutes left in our car ride. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

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By Scaryman - 21/2/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting down in a store when a stroller stopped by me. While the parents were fixing the strap, the baby looked at me, gasped, looked at me again, gasped, and then screamed. Ten minutes later, another baby looked at me and screamed. My face scares babies. FML

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By Silent - 18/10/2018 17:30

Today, at the orthodontist, the nurse was checking my teeth. She asked me a question while her finger was in my mouth, and when I stupidly tried to reply, I bit her finger. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 16:04 - Canada - Richmond

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML

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By pierced - 1/5/2016 17:56 - United States - Marble Falls

Today, I have an infected piercing because I'm allergic to the metal. My ear is so swollen that I can't remove the jewelry. It won't get better until I'm able to remove the jewelry. FML

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By Lexy - 10/11/2018 12:00

Today, I saw my boyfriend coming up the walkway to our home. When I opened the door to greet him with a huge smile on my face, he scowled at me and angrily said, "I don't know why you have to do that!" Smile gone. FML

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By Eric - 13/5/2011 02:19

Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML

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By mista hunna - 8/9/2016 05:31 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I found the dog I lost while I was dog sitting. It was with its new adoptive family. FML

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By GiveMeCake - 2/12/2018 22:00

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I had the most vivid dream of eating a caramel apple mousse cake with vanilla bean ice cream. Unfortunately, yesterday, also thanks to pregnancy hormones, I was diagnosed with diabetes. My dreams are taunting me. FML

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By Walter_Sobchak7 - 12/8/2017 01:30

Today, while at work, a sneeze snuck up on me. Ever sneeze so violently your fake tooth shoots into the cubicle across from you? FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2009 12:00 - Australia

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend meeting all of his friends for the first time. My boyfriend went into the kitchen to get me a drink, and after ten minutes I went looking for him. I discovered his friend holding two melons to his chest, mid explanation on how they look exactly like mine. FML

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By Getmeout - 31/5/2012 06:50 - United States - Hartfield

Today, while sitting in my Forensic Psychology class, my professor listed all of the main traits that indicate someone may very well be a sociopath. Every single trait described my fiancé perfectly. FML

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By ZaraAce - 15/4/2011 11:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML

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By midwify - 5/1/2015 17:58 - Denmark - Asaa

Today, I gave birth to our first child at home. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment of us peacefully greeting our newborn, ended up with the cops knocking on our door. Apparently me giving birth sounds like a domestic dispute. FML

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By Lizziebelle - 1/12/2016 08:07 - United States - Seattle

Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately, I was still on top of him when he tried to somersault. The horse is fine. I'm in the hospital, fresh out of surgery for a broken femur. FML

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By heightdifference - 28/11/2013 16:34 - United States - Memphis

Today, I met the guy I've been talking to online for two years in real life. He tried to convince me to have his children because they would be average height. He's a midget and I'm 6'2". This is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me. FML

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By Johna Richardson - 30/7/2017 20:00

Today, after my boyfriend ignored me for hours playing video games, he gave me some attention for a little bit. When I tried to run my fingers through his hair, I missed and punched him in the face. FML

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By Brooke - 14/8/2015 16:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

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By ihateveganism - 22/8/2012 04:19 - United States - Barrington

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I got stopped at the bank by security for carrying a weapon and threatened to call the police. I had to prove my “metal stick” was not a weapon. I am partially paralyzed in one of my feet and have to walk with a cane. FML

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By pissed girlfriend - 25/2/2013 03:08 - United States - Celina

Today, at my grandpa's funeral, my boyfriend texted me while sitting right beside me, asking if we could have sex when the "family get together" was finally over. FML

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By Lily Cakes - 19/10/2018 20:00 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was watching a TV show with my 7-year-old niece. A scene came on where the main character was being tortured, and the one torturing him said "I'm gonna make you scream." Without hesitating, I said, "Oh, kinky." My niece turned to me and asked, "What does kinky mean?" FML

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Top comments

By chrispaul444 | 0

#134003 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:16

pretty legit reason to stop macking imo

By poolshark | 0

#134053 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:24

1)How the hell does one rip up a tomato planter? (#4)
2)Why does there happen to be a Topsy Turvey Upside Down Tomato Planter ad on this page? Propaganda much?

Comments

By chrispaul444 | 0

#134003 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:16

pretty legit reason to stop macking imo

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#5856793 - Thursday 13 February 2014 9:08

He's serious about growing tomatoes.

By rocketshipsxx | 0

#134010 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:17

i'd stop making out with somebody too!
those things are much more impressive than a makeout session!!!

Reply

stopreadingmynam | 0

#1076079 - Friday 9 July 2010 21:42

lol

By jackattack96 | 0

#134026 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:19

i love that infomerrical and buy him one be like "remember how much u wanted this" and then rip it up and say "TOO BAD"

By IloveFML1 | 0

#134035 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:21

HAHa. Thats very funny! I just bought it! good reason to stop!

By asxp10 | 0

#134040 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:22

@ #4: Good luck ripping it up.

Reply

pajamurao | 0

#979429 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 13:56

you can smash it

By poolshark | 0

#134053 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:24

1)How the hell does one rip up a tomato planter? (#4)
2)Why does there happen to be a Topsy Turvey Upside Down Tomato Planter ad on this page? Propaganda much?

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#134054 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:25

my mom wants one of those.
buy him one... he'll be making out with u as long as u want

By butteredtoast | 0

#134060 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:25

Not an FML

By rachel13_fml | 0

#134061 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:25

Ah sucks for you.

By breaksprinter_ | 0

#134071 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 23:27

Do upside-down tomato plants turn him on?
If so, I'd invest if I were you. ;D
And yea, #7, that is a bit creepy about the ad.