Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive,...

By ForgottenAgain - 29/8/2010 16:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive, possessive ex-wife will not come between us or ruin our relationship. Mid-conversation, his phone rang. It was her, and he left to answer it. FML

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Love

Family values

Freak out

In my day…

By socialdisease - 22/8/2011 15:58 - United States

Today, my house got egged. Why? As a joke, my friend bought me a doormat that says, "A Canadian Lives Here." I'm Canadian. FML

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By BloodyHorror - 11/7/2019 22:00

Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML

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By EnemyofKarma - 4/3/2010 08:52 - Canada

Today, I marched into my workplace yelling "take this job and shove it", under the impression I would be on a flight in a few days out of here. However, the airline has informed me I cannot fly until April because cargo is too cold for my dog this time of year. Jobless, four weeks to wait. FML

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By j_Lauren - 28/1/2013 04:48 - United States

Today, my mom had the option of choosing anywhere in the world where we could go on vacation. We live in the USA and she chose to fly to Texas, rent an RV, and drive to Florida. Anywhere in the world. FML

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By probably_the_ex_now - 18/8/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML

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By maybenot - 6/8/2012 23:25 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst on a cycling holiday, in a somewhat hungover state, I accidentally chained my bike to the back of someone else's caravan. As I walked away, I heard a loud scraping noise. I turned around and watched my bike get dragged down a long gravel road and through a pile of horse shit. FML

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By CallMeJesusFreak - 23/6/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, I couldn't prove my son has had chickenpox, so his school gave us the option of getting a potentially dangerous shot he didn't need, pay for an expensive blood test to show that he previously had the virus, or sign a waiver stating I'm a religious nut refusing medical treatment. FML

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By oww - 5/9/2015 01:25 - United States - Tekonsha

Today, I came to work with a huge hangover after a night out. I work as a marching band director, and guess who I had to conduct a sectional with? That's right, percussion. My head still hasn't stopped throbbing. FML

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By fistpumpin4life - 10/10/2010 00:51 - France

Today, at work I asked a woman how she was doing. When she replied, I didn't understand her, and instead of asking her what she said, I just replied with, "oh that's good." What she told me that I didn't understand was that her husband had just died. FML

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By MotherNatureMustDie - 27/10/2009 12:32 - South Africa

Today, my telephone line was hit by lightning. I discovered that not only will lightning fry a router, it will also destroy any PCs connected to that router via network cables. I also discovered that a $10 phone line surge protector would have saved nearly $3,000 worth of PC equipment. FML

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By Bacon0426 - 4/7/2016 21:03 - United States - Skaneateles

Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML

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By Buyingagun - 8/4/2020 05:00

Take care

Today, I looked out the window just in time to see a coyote carrying off my cat that I had just let outside five minutes before. FML

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By GrandTheftArson - 9/3/2016 03:51 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, my ex stole my car keys. Good news is she can't drive stick. Bad news is she set my car on fire. FML

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By magicalDEATH - 19/1/2010 17:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

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By katharine - 15/3/2010 20:12 - United States

Today, I was daydreaming in bed when my phone rang from across the room. I scrambled out of my covers, tripped over a pair of boots I had by the bed, and slipped on some jeans laying on the floor. Luckily, I answered my phone in time, but only to have my mom tell me to clean my room before she got home. FML

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By HotCurry - 5/9/2009 04:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, her grandma, and I were leaving her house to eat lunch. I stubbed my toe on the door while exiting. It hurt, so I stood there shortly in pain. I heard my girlfriend's grandma call me a "pansy". I later saw blood and took off my shoe. My whole toenail had come off of my big toe. FML

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By tomtomcutiepoof - 13/3/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date with someone he said was very hot. I'm not exactly what you call fit, so I haven't been dating lately. As soon as I got to the restaurant, I spotted the girl. She looked me up and down, said, "You have GOT to be kidding me" and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2016 04:01 - Argentina - Lanus

Today, I was showing my step-dad old photos of the family. We got to a picture of me and I mentioned how much weight I've lost. He muttered, "Heh, fat AND blind". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 17:21 - United States - Latrobe

Today, while refereeing a soccer game, I was accused of being racist, blind, and a fascist by spectators. The game was played by a group of third graders. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 07:45 - Australia - Perth

Today, I woke up to what sounded like twigs snapping. Turns out it was the skull of a live mouse being crushed in my cat's jaws. FML

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By SuperShy - 6/9/2016 04:29 - United States - Massillon

Today, I realized just how shy and awkward I really am when I averted my eyes to avoid making eye contact with someone who turned out to be a cardboard cut-out. FML

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By alittlepersonal - 5/10/2012 05:59 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML

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By Username - 7/8/2011 21:44 - United States

Today, my wife and I almost got a divorce over a game of Yahtzee. FML

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By RjsBabe - 1/10/2016 06:14 - United States - Tulare

Today, after I got the birth control implant, waited a week like my doctor told me, my fiancee is still too scared that I'll get pregnant. It's been 2 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best guy friend, who I have loved for years. I was talking about school and all of a sudden he said "I love you." I flipped out saying "Oh my god, oh my god. I love you, too!" He responded with "what?" He was talking to his mom, who was walking out the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2012 12:21 - United States

Today, I quit smoking. My son came home with an ashtray he made in arts and crafts class. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2011 23:58 - Canada

Today, I wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while I was sleeping, to see if I was really as scared of blood as I claimed. Sure enough, when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I fainted, smashing my head against the counter on the way down. FML

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By kill me - 20/6/2017 04:00

Today, while serving at my restaurant, a mother acted as a wing-woman for her son by insisting I read a note he'd written, asking for my number. I had to awkwardly reject the guy in front of his entire family, before having to keep serving them for another hour. FML

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By DantesInfernalRage - 12/9/2017 13:00

Today, I had to resign from my job because I tested positive for drugs. I've never taken drugs. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 22:00

Today, after a day of walking around downtown, shopping and going out to eat, I came home to notice I had a dirty thong stuck to the back of my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2012 23:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I drove home from work, only to find both my next-door neighbours loudly arguing in the middle of my driveway. I got out and asked them what the hell was going on, only to find out one of their inbred kids had put a brick through my back window, and each is claiming the other did it. FML

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By LaurahLunatic - 5/9/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. FML

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By smiles22 - 27/11/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a back-up girl if we break up. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2014 19:39 - United States - Derry

Today, on my first day of sailing practice, I managed to sit on a metal cleat. After being admitted to the ER, I was informed that I had two vaginal lacerations that needed surgery. The nurse tried to convince me it was my lucky day, because the hospital café was serving vanilla pudding. FML

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By just physical - 18/3/2013 02:45 - Canada - Sarnia

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

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By hitmutefirst - 3/2/2009 10:24 - United States

Today, I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. FML

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By itsgonnabealongnight... - 3/9/2011 20:52 - United States

Today, I was at my grandparents' house, when the power went out. Even though we were supplied with candles and flashlights, we still had to stumble around in the darkness. They'd left both the candles and flashlights in the pitch black, unnavigable basement. FML

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By spaceavery - 24/9/2016 04:53 - United States - Gresham

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

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By Dooh - 17/1/2012 23:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I've found out that since beginning my new heavy workout regime, my testosterone levels have gone through the roof, making me constantly horny. My girlfriend lives on another continent. The reason I'm working out so hard? To impress her when I see her next. FML

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By minimazing - 7/10/2018 05:00

Today, my husband of 5 months admitted he is jealous of my dog. I've had the dog for 16 years. He admits to wanting to drop it off at the shelter while I'm at work. FML

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Top comments

By debbiess | 0

#1319396 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:59

OP You should get out of that relationship. That is a vicious circle. She will make your life miserable, trust me on this one.
How do I know? I've been there! And I got hurt big time!

By Primus_fml | 0

#1319005 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:24

A phone call doesn't really come in between your realtionship.

COMMENTS

By RileyFerrari | 0

#1318986 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:14

Pft... men.

Superdestroyer1 | 0

#1319033 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:32

you deserve it for not licking pussy

sourgirl101 | 28

#1319062 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:43

The glass is half full! (:

hombrepollo | 0

#1319095 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:55

r u sure it his EX wife? have ur v8 and get out!

jdawgg92 | 1

#1319126 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:04

lol

bigredmonkeybutt | 24

#1319179 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:13

Maybe it was an emergency? you should take his phone & smash it so it never interrupts you.

killpro | 0

#1320338 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:58

3sum?

TheOptimist | 0

#1320852 - Monday 30 August 2010 8:02

So he isn't allowed to be friends with her?

By Primus_fml | 0

#1319005 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:24

A phone call doesn't really come in between your realtionship.

TiffyTaffy96 | 13

#6439169 - Monday 19 October 2015 14:50

To answer a phone call mid-conversation is extremely rude, especially if they were talking about her not getting in the way. He should of not answered it, or told her he will call her back later.

By JanisEvans | 10

#1319014 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:25

Rebound much?

By houseofame | 4

#1319022 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:27

Wow bitch slap him foo! what a douch

By oldenuff2party | 3

#1319037 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:32

it's gonna turn into a patern dump him

By Geiko_fml | 0

#1319149 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:08

Just because he answered a phone call from her though isn't a bad thing, unless it was a bad phone call that could come between you two. Could just be telling her to stop calling all the time, etc.

By sallen0046 | 4

#1319181 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:14

YDI for letting phone calls "ruin" your relationship. You've got a boyfriend with manners who excuses himself to take care of something he knew would upset you. Yeah, you're life is horrible alright. Did it ever occur to you that he took the opportunity to tell her the exact thing he was trying to explain to you? Either learn how to deal with adult relationships or go back to dating me who've never been in a long term relationship or marriage.