Love: Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive,...

By ForgottenAgain - United States

Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive, possessive ex-wife will not come between us or ruin our relationship. Mid-conversation, his phone rang. It was her, and he left to answer it. FML

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Love

We need to know more!

Sounds like a scam

Stay at home, especially you

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my two-and-a-half year anniversary with my girlfriend, a small but noble occasion. She surprised me with an invention of hers, a plate of triple-chocolate double-mint cookies topped with Andes mints. I surprised her by crashing her new Mustang into a cement divider. FML

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By Scarred for life

Frozen

Today, while volunteering at a senior care center, I witnessed a woman begin to remove her trousers. Then she began tearing apart her diaper. She then began to explore her body. I was unable to stop her. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML

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By JadeDemolition - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had my driver's permit in an envelope to keep it safe and a letter to mail out. I drove away from the post office with the letter in my hand. FML

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By Light Sleeper - United States - Evansville

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

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By Dramaqueenfornothing - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2021 11:00

Too much irony

Today, I tried to schedule a counseling appointment so I could vent about the lack of quality control in software. The online scheduler said to call. The secretary scheduled my appointment then said the system would send an email with the appointment link. The email did not contain any links. FML

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By anon

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

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1884

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By paging dr. kevorkian - Netherlands

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner. Things went great, until my grandma arrived. She thought it would be okay to continue our friendly prank war by congratulating me on my "wife's" pregnancy. My girlfriend actually believed it, and now thinks she's the "other woman". FML

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By anomynous - 5/4/2021 05:00

Freaked out

Today, my workplace replaced all of the toilets in the store with automatic toilets. I have an anxiety disorder, and I can't use them. FML

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690

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally found out where my great grandmother's antique handheld mirror disappeared to. According to the headmaster, my eleven year old son has been using it to look up his classmates' dresses at school. FML

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By disgusted - United States

Today, I found out that my old roommate used to clean her goldfish bowl with my toothbrush. We lived together for six months. FML

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By pamcakes

Today, my dog pooped on the floor, and the Roomba my sweet boyfriend bought me as a housewarming gift, ran over it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Sorry

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with another man. Her main reaction was to get mad at me for not knocking. FML

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63682

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By me - United States

Today, I went to my parents' house. I recently lost about 30 lbs. My mom hugged me and said, "Aww, you're not my chubby baby girl anymore." She then said she wished I were still fat because she missed it. She's the reason I lost the weight; she used to tease and taunt me. Thanks Mom. FML

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56454

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By Lonely626

Today, while talking with a coworker, we discussed a weekend home invasion scenario. It was then that I realized my social circle is so non-existent, that my job would notice I'm gone before my friends would. FML

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11859

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By Insomniac - United States - Wasilla

Today, after rolling my car on the highway, I witnessed several people stop and get out of their cars to take pictures. No one asked if I was okay, and I was the one who had to call 911 for myself. FML

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34514

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By pocahontas - United States

Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Lidk?ping

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

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By TheHatedOne - Qatar

Today, my friend told me she had a stalker who had been emailing her. I laughed, and told her it was probably some fat, ugly virgin sat behind his computer all day. I then continued to describe and mock the stalker, only to realise that I was basically describing myself. FML

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13942

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By Jackedup - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the bank to make a deposit. While I was waiting on my transaction, the bank tellers were making fun of me. I could tell cause I heard them through the speaker. FML

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33053

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family and I went over to our new neighbors' house, to sing a carol and say hello. The only response we got was a door slammed in our faces. FML

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13458

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By ugh mom! - 22/4/2020 20:00

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, my ridiculously paranoid mom was almost arrested after she caused a huge scene outside her apartment's leasing office. She demanded to pay her rent with a money order, even though they’re only accepting online payments due to the quarantine. She thinks they’re trying to steal her information. FML

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1777

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By Anonymous

Today, I was running with two other women when a guy started tailing us in his car and catcalling. I quickly got fed up and gave him the finger. Turns out, he's the husband of one of the women I was running with. For the next half hour, I had to listen to her go on about how adorable he was. She totally saw what I did. FML

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1726

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me. I said yes and he gave me an engagement ring. He immediately went to call his mom to tell her the happy news. After the phone call, he asked if he could return the ring because his mom needed money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

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By jxfc - United States - Tracy

Today, as I was helping a customer, she asked if it was my first day and who was training me. Evidently, I'm bad at my job, because I've worked there for 7 months. FML

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9528

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I again had to quietly sneak in through my bedroom window. I don't live with my parents. I go through my window because my cat thinks everyone who walks in through the door at night is a burglar or something and attacks them. FML

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53164

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By moms know best??? - Canada - Morinville

Neat

Today, I received some unwanted anal sex tips. They were unwanted because I'm not into anal sex, and the tips came from my drunk mom. FML

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58702

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By Baby - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I was having sex with an ex when he whispered in my ear, "Who's my baby?" I, being very bad at dirty talk, said, "You." FML

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5507

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By tracy4191 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my grandma has been slipping laxatives into my food. Apparently, I was constipated once as a child and "once constipated, always constipated." FML

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13423

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By annoym - United States

Today, I spent my day creating a new type of laugh, and performing it in my head. FML

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19117

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By tbw - United States

Today, I decided to get my ass in shape and went to the gym. I got motion-sickness on the elliptical. FML

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25026

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I arranged the food on my plate in a smiley face to try and make myself feel better. I'm a 38 year old man. It worked. FML

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34761

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By Nogood - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my girlfriend decided to get a new haircut. Now, she hates the haircut and blames me for, in her words, "turning me into something I'm not". FML

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34065

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By Anonymous

Today, I went in for I thought would be an interview for a promotion, but turns out there was no interview set up, and they'd already decided who would be the next manager. FML

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1481

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, I blacked out at a wedding as a bridesmaid, during the service. FML

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23811

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By FailingMyCourse - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my university had not accepted the internship I did when I was in college. They placed me in the same bank I interned in, with the same bank manager that I flipped the middle finger at after finishing my internship. FML

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13168

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Top comments

By debbiess | 0

#1319396 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:59

OP You should get out of that relationship. That is a vicious circle. She will make your life miserable, trust me on this one.
How do I know? I've been there! And I got hurt big time!

By Primus_fml | 0

#1319005 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:24

A phone call doesn't really come in between your realtionship.

COMMENTS

By RileyFerrari | 0

#1318986 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:14

Pft... men.

Superdestroyer1 | 0

#1319033 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:32

you deserve it for not licking pussy

sourgirl101 | 28

#1319062 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:43

The glass is half full! (:

hombrepollo | 0

#1319095 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:55

r u sure it his EX wife? have ur v8 and get out!

jdawgg92 | 1

#1319126 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:04

lol

bigredmonkeybutt | 25

#1319179 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:13

Maybe it was an emergency? you should take his phone & smash it so it never interrupts you.

killpro | 0

#1320338 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:58

3sum?

TheOptimist | 0

#1320852 - Monday 30 August 2010 8:02

So he isn't allowed to be friends with her?

By Primus_fml | 0

#1319005 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:24

A phone call doesn't really come in between your realtionship.

TiffyTaffy96 | 13

#6439169 - Monday 19 October 2015 14:50

To answer a phone call mid-conversation is extremely rude, especially if they were talking about her not getting in the way. He should of not answered it, or told her he will call her back later.

By JanisEvans | 10

#1319014 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:25

Rebound much?

By houseofame | 4

#1319022 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:27

Wow bitch slap him foo! what a douch

By oldenuff2party | 3

#1319037 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:32

it's gonna turn into a patern dump him

By Geiko_fml | 0

#1319149 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:08

Just because he answered a phone call from her though isn't a bad thing, unless it was a bad phone call that could come between you two. Could just be telling her to stop calling all the time, etc.

Elisabetha Aarron | 18

#7938282 - Monday 14 September 2020 20:55

He left in the middle of a conversation saying she won't come between them to go talk to her.

He just proved he lied

By sallen0046 | 4

#1319181 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:14

YDI for letting phone calls "ruin" your relationship. You've got a boyfriend with manners who excuses himself to take care of something he knew would upset you. Yeah, you're life is horrible alright. Did it ever occur to you that he took the opportunity to tell her the exact thing he was trying to explain to you? Either learn how to deal with adult relationships or go back to dating me who've never been in a long term relationship or marriage.