Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So... - FML

By Her - 6/11/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

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Instadrama

Doomed

Great guy

By Spencer - 6/12/2018 12:30

Today, I decided to try an online therapy site seeing as I have been feeling very lonely and don’t have any friends to talk to about my issues. After filling out all the initial forms, the site told me there was no one available to speak to me. FML

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By Lisa - 24/9/2018 14:33

Today, I came home from my vacation. My sister had been taking care of my dog and my apartment while I was away. As I walked in, I was greeted by a floor covered in poop and a destroyed couch. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2015 21:54 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my daughter's 14-year-old boyfriend confessed, in front of her, that he only went out with her so he might have a chance to date me. My daughter isn't speaking to me. FML

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By baldintheback - 15/8/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML

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By random875 - 7/1/2015 06:03 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. I called the fire department and told them where I was. They said they'd be right there and not to panic. It's hour 6. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2017 23:46

Today, I had to do an assignment about my greatest achievement and about an award I've received. I don't have either. FML

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By Forever sad - 6/10/2011 00:55 - United States

Today, I learned that my mother might not live much longer. My boyfriend, instead of showing compassion asked me, "We're still having video chat sex, right?" FML

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By apparentfatty - 11/11/2011 11:50 - Canada

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2014 08:58 - Belgium

Today, in a rush to get out of my house to go to a doctor's appointment, I closed the door behind me without having my house or car keys on me. Sadly, it took me less than a minute to break into my own house. FML

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By alek - 14/7/2011 14:17 - United States

Today, I was the waiter for my family at the village inn. This wasn't so bad until I found out they left me no tip, only a napkin that said, "Get a haircut." FML

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By Carl - 16/10/2011 12:47 - United States

Today, my landlord compared me to his idiot son for not plunging a toilet. This is the same toilet he explicitly told me not to plunge last week, because of a possible leak into the basement. We have been peeing outside for a week waiting on him. FML

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By Dummy - 1/4/2018 15:00

Happy Easter!

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom with no toilet paper in a family member’s house. I looked around and found baby wipes. I was saved! Unfortunately, they were actually Clorox wipes. The bleach gave me a chemical burn in my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 07:51 - United States - Portland

Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML

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By StretchNuts - 11/3/2010 12:50 - United States

Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML

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By LustyDragon - 5/6/2017 14:00

Today, my husband won't shave his beard, despite the fact it grows in wiry and looks like pubic hair. He is now accusing me of "not loving him for who he is." FML

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By fmjob - 17/8/2009 03:19 - United States

Today, I got a raise. A 10 cent raise. I have worked at my job for over 3 years. I now make 20 cents more an hour than people that have only worked there 3 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2014 15:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my girlfriend that I love her. She panicked and blurted out our S&M safeword. FML

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By Elsine - 2/10/2018 13:30

Today, after having to move home with my parents because I'm broke and can't seem to find a job, my mom found out I'm on anti-depressants. She and my dad will no longer be helping with money because she doesn't like "drugs". FML

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By MaximB - 15/7/2020 14:02

Coming up short

Today, some babe finally super-liked me on Tinder, but didn't want to continue the chat after finding out I'm shorter than her. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2012 04:01 - Canada - Brampton

Today, my brother thought it would be funny to pretend my tampons were "dynamite" and run around the house throwing them at my friends and family. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 08:03 - United Kingdom - Bristol

New skills

Today, I lost my virginity. Today, I also learned how to fake an orgasm. Twice. FML

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By hakuna matata - 31/10/2012 10:06 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, I told my dad and brother that I want to take Zumba classes. My brother said, "Did you hear that? Pumbaa wants to Zumba!" Then he starting dancing and making pig noises. My dad high-fived him. When my mom heard, she high-fived him too. FML

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By RDMdragoon - 13/7/2009 11:16 - United States

Today, while deleting my ex-fiancée's account off my computer, I saved her pics. I found one of her with her now boyfriend in our bedroom. FML

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By Nickel - 1/6/2017 04:00

Today, my mom's friend came over. She brought her son and claimed that we could have bonding time. I ended up chasing the five-year-old around the house for an hour. After they'd left, my mom saw that the little kid had broken a lamp and a clock. She then said I had to pay for it using my money. FML

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By imamess - 15/9/2014 21:37 - United States - Rockville

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

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By brokenhome - 25/1/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, my apartment got robbed. My 'book-in-progress' should keep them company. FML

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By - 28/12/2018 12:00 - United States

Today, I learned that not only is my husband having an affair with my own mother, but my whole family knew. They were keeping it a secret from me for 3 months. FML

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By Oh hello there - 17/6/2018 01:30

Today, I accidentally left my Nintendo 3DS at the barbershop, so I rushed back to get it. The 60-year-old barber had destroyed it with a hammer, saying it was a weapon of the devil. I was gone 5 minutes. FML

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By - 4/9/2019 14:00 - New Zealand

Asshat

Today, my hours at work were slashed due to company wide cut backs. The only coworker unaffected was the asshat who stole my promotion after I'd trained them. FML

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By It's Something - 27/10/2017 13:00 - United States - Toledo

Welcome to retail.

Today, I finally got a new job. Now, instead of dealing with trashy, rude young adults all day, I get to deal with self-entitled, berating old people all day. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By Scarlet - 9/8/2016 18:01

Today, after calling my bank to see where my paycheck was, and waiting on hold for my entire lunch break, my boss told me she forgot to submit my deposit. I was relying on that money to pay for lunch today as I used all I had for bills. Looks like I eat tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2011 10:26 - Singapore

Today, I went out with a guy I really liked for the first time. He tried to hold my hands, only to be stopped by my mum, jumping out from nowhere saying "Oh no you don't!" before slapping him. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By kingpin9219 - 30/5/2011 04:29 - Canada

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend in a crowded mall. I thought this was a good idea, until she went ballistic, began screaming and crying, and then stabbed me in the stomach with a ballpoint pen. I got banned from the mall. FML

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By confusedmofo - 29/7/2013 06:35 - Indonesia

Today, I went out and met somebody. We got talking and we both realized we are each the ideal romantic partner for the other. The only problem is we are both straight men. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, after suggesting to my daughter for a while that she should try out for a cheerleading team to become more confident, she went to tryouts. She didn't make the team and she's spent the last six hours in her room crying. FML

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By mortified - 30/10/2010 04:12 - Canada

Today, at work, I was caught picking my nose, on camera, in an elevator. The security guard stopped me on my way out of the building to tell me how funny it was. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 17:41 - United States

Today, I was drawing while on the train, when a very good-looking woman looked at my work and said, "Wow, she's pretty. Is it supposed to be me?" She said it in a flirty tone, but before I could stop myself, I'd said "nah, it's just a generic face". FML

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By nickyboy - 2/12/2010 17:02 - Australia

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 20:00

Head, meet wall

Today, while joking and chatting with a coworker on my way to the bathroom, I misjudged the distance to the entrance and slammed my head into the wall. My coworker told everyone. So now I'm funny, but not for the reason I wanted to be. FML

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By OuttaNowhere81 - 15/5/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette in my backyard while my parents were out, because I'm not allowed to smoke. While smoking, my parents came home unexpectedly. In a rush, I flicked it over the fence, and it landed in my neighbor's hair. It was still lit. FML

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Top comments

By MiddleChild08 | 0

#658312 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:21

Your boyfriend of two years had never said I love you before (which is what it seems from the way you said it)? I think you should have been expecting a break up...either he really doesn't want to be with you or he has commitment issues...

By ovrwhlmdbystupid | 0

#658314 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:22

i don't advocate saying i love you like. a month into your relationship...but if you've been dating for two years and haven't established that you're in love yet...what exactly have you been doing this whole time?

COMMENTS

By jemini91 | 0

#658306 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:18

first

Reply

Reyo | 2

#658342 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:50

One of the few times I agree that this is an FYL, but next time...don't get your hopes up by "thinking he was gonna say "I love you"".

Reply

ortega_fml | 0

#658379 - Saturday 7 November 2009 0:33

YDI for being demanding.

Reply

americayay | 0

#658698 - Saturday 7 November 2009 6:19

2 years and he hadn't said it already? Wow. No wonder he dumped you if he wasn't feeling it after 2 years.

Reply

ElMarkino | 0

#984373 - Saturday 24 April 2010 22:58

fail

Reply

tedirvine | 2

#1230076 - Thursday 12 August 2010 18:24

what is it with women and their constant need to be loved?

By pcakewafflebacon | 0

#658308 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:19

whuh oh, that sucks...
I have nothing else to say

By fatherpunk | 1

#658309 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:19

OP is first.
You should of dumped him before he could dump you. Just to feel better.

Reply

phatdaddy | 0

#662864 - Monday 9 November 2009 21:38

Of you ever dumped someone before? It's not easy. I'm ofing a problem figuring out how to break up with my girlfriend of 1 year without completely devastating her, myself. If you of a way to do it, let me know what it is. I don't of a clue.

The word is "HAVE"
Learn English.

By MiddleChild08 | 0

#658312 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:21

Your boyfriend of two years had never said I love you before (which is what it seems from the way you said it)? I think you should have been expecting a break up...either he really doesn't want to be with you or he has commitment issues...

Reply

AngelRaven89 | 0

#658462 - Saturday 7 November 2009 1:53

that's what I was thinking. If it takes the guy 2 years and he hasn't said it, how could she not expect him to break up. guess he just wasnt feeling it, pity he took so long to decide tho. sorry OP, that sucks.

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#658635 - Saturday 7 November 2009 4:54

Exactly, I'm all for taking your time but after two years, he obviously wasn't commited. I'm sorry :(

By cheapsheep_fml | 0

#658313 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:21

I was going with I thought he had to poop.

Reply

rebelsrock | 17

#3005038 - Sunday 31 July 2011 2:14

same

By ovrwhlmdbystupid | 0

#658314 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:22

i don't advocate saying i love you like. a month into your relationship...but if you've been dating for two years and haven't established that you're in love yet...what exactly have you been doing this whole time?

Reply

perdix | 29

#658322 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:29

I'm with you on this one. Two years and no "I love you?" Absurd.

But more to the point: Who paid for breakfast?

Reply

x_HELLo_tHERE_x | 0

#825926 - Friday 5 February 2010 1:58

What was for breakfast?

By chellinha93 | 0

#658317 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:24

That suuucks... FYL and I agree with #3

By gargoyle666 | 5

#658324 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:30

Two years and he'd never told you he loved you? Sounds like you needed to go to Egypt and get him blown up by Megatron.

Reply

graciedacie | 0

#658351 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:54

Baha! Nice piece-o-crap movie reference :)

By KoRnchick | 3

#658326 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:34

why were you even together so long if he hadn't even told you he loved you yet?
what a waste of time!

By chingchongbinbin | 0

#658329 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:36

That sort of thing happens every day, you're not the only one who has ever gotten dumped. Two years is a long time you had it coming