Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So... - FML

By Her - 6/11/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Creepy

By young and dumb - 27/8/2016 06:27 - United States - Trenton

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

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By Katy - 18/12/2018 14:00

Today, I fell in a vent in our floor while decorating our Christmas tree. My husband removed the grates months ago to increase airflow. I fell in past my knee and he had to pull me out by the arms. It's been four days and I can still barely walk. My office is on a second floor... We don't have an elevator. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 02:50 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to get a haircut. Who shows up not 5 minutes later to also get a haircut? My obnoxious, bully of a boss. She started chatting with me across the salon the entire time. There was no way to get out of the conversation. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2014 21:27 - United States - Saugus

Today, my boyfriend found a movie he loved on Netflix. He was so excited to show it to me and was certain I'd love it. I didn't have the heart to tell him what I really thought of White Chicks. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2011 11:22 - United States

Today, I was answering a text from one of my students asking me if they could re-take a test. I thought I'd texted back "No, you can't." Auto correct had used a more frequently used word: "No, you cunt." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2013 20:55 - France - M?rignac

Today, my girlfriend woke me at 5am, just to say how great it was that I could still sleep two more hours before leaving for work. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2012 02:39 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I received my first payment of child support from my estranged husband: $50 and a note that said he wouldn't be paying any more. FML

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By Need To Bathe In Deodorant - 17/7/2016 19:23 - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, it's so insanely hot that no matter how often I shower or use deodorant the smell of my armpits makes me feel physically sick. FML

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By curiousorange - 5/7/2009 15:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I met a great girl at a party. We talked alone, and she made me promise I'd dance with her later. When I saw her later, she was unconscious, and in an ambulance. She'd collapsed, and the entire party assumed I'd spiked her drink. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 15:14

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2019 12:00

Alexa, play "Asleep" by The Smiths

Today, I woke up to my best friend laying next to me vigorously touching herself. She thought I was asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I was in gym class talking to a guy I like. My friend then decided to come up behind me and pants me, pulling down my underwear along with them. His only comment? "Someone needs to shave." FML

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By ojskyguy - 11/10/2014 23:04 - United States - Pearl

Today, I knocked over and broke one of two very expensive wine bottles. As I was using the mop to clean it up, the handle knocked over and broke the other. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 05:17 - Malaysia

Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year old son came up to me and asked if he can "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereals. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML

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By tsakashvili - 26/5/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I decided to scare my 10 year old sister for fun. I hid behind a door and leapt out, shouting "Boo!" when she walked by. She burst into tears and ran screaming to my mom. My mom thought I'd hit my sister, and was so angry that she punched me in the eye. FML

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By WhoaThere - 18/12/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, a cute guy asked for my phone number and I gladly gave it to him. I was feeling really good about myself for getting hit on by the star football player. That was until he called 8 times and left 5 messages. In 2 hours. FML

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By Satan'sChildren - 28/4/2013 02:30 - United States - Oak Creek

Today, I was coming home from a much-needed vacation. The time I spent on the plane consisted of kids screaming and throwing tantrums. One of them managed to give me a black eye with a shoe. Their mom pretended to be asleep so I'd have to deal with her kids for her. FML

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By ITSnotFUNNYtoMEass - 25/5/2009 08:54 - United States

Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 19:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about our new year's resolutions. I started telling him that I wanted to lose some weight. He interrupted me, saying, "Yeah yeah, we all know you're fat, whatever." He then went on a 30 minute speech about how he'd really like to take more pictures of his cat in 2011. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 21:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I got feedback on an essay I wrote, by my mum who is also a teacher. She said it was 'worse than most of her pupils'. She teaches 10-year-olds. I'm a 20-year-old student at university. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2009 06:45 - Canada

Today, I was drunk and crashed on my friend's couch to sober up. On the drive home, a cop pulled me over for seemingly no reason. He kept asking if I had been drinking, to which I answered no. Finally, he told me to look in the mirror. My friends had written all over my face while I slept. FML

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By SmoothTalker - 16/3/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I had a meeting with my super-hot TA. When I got to her office, she complimented me for being early, to which I thoughtfully replied "oh I usually come early." She laughed. FML

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By asdf - 2/2/2009 18:07 - United States

Today, my mom slept all day. But when she got out of bed for five minutes, she told me I was a worthless piece of shit. Then she went back to bed. FML

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By Idi - 9/12/2008 12:54 - France

Today, I arrived right on time for my train. Only problem, it was the wrong station. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 06:00 - Australia

The devil is in the details

Today, after cancelling work, arguing with my family, scrambling to pack my bags, speeding to the airport and filling in immigration forms to fly out to have a much needed holiday, I wasn't allowed to check in. My passport has less than 6 months away from expiration on it. Yes, that's a thing, apparently. FML

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By Man vs. Spider - 28/2/2010 17:05 - United States

Today, my house was the only house left that still had its Christmas lights up, so I decided to take them down. Almost done, my fingers brushed over a spiderweb. Startled, I jumped off the ladder and broke my shoulder. Oh, and the spider still managed to stay on my hand, giving me a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2010 23:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my younger sister had maxed out all three of my credit cards when I tried all three of the cards, and realized that I didn't have $5.29 to buy tampons and Advil. FML

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By Jen - 20/10/2016 16:32

Today, I had to call a customer. I usually try to avoid calling customers because I have a very prominent speech impediment. Well, it turns out the customer I called also has a speech impediment and thought I was mocking her. She hung up on me and filed a formal complaint with my company. FML

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By machismo - 13/1/2012 18:16 - United States

Today, in preparation for proposing to my girlfriend, I borrowed one of her rings, so I could discreetly get her ring size. Not only have I now lost the ring, which turns out to be a keepsake of her dead grandmother, I still don't know her ring size. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2013 14:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it marks the fourth month since my 15-year-old cousin asked me out, then started practically stalking me when I said no. It's also the fourth month of my parents and his constantly telling me to stop overreacting and that it's "just a phase." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2014 17:07 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, my father described me as "the sort of sucker women marry then cheat on all the time." My mother agreed with him. FML

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By - 22/1/2020 18:00

Strange noise

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

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By HopelessGRLF - 16/12/2016 19:30

Today, I was talking to a guy I met on a dating site, and he asked if we could meet up and what we should do. When I suggested ice-skating he told me he was in a wheelchair, so I said we could go for a walk instead. I realised my mistake the moment I sent the message. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2018 22:00

Today, after a long shift, I came home and cleaned my house so I could relax tomorrow. I finished up the night with a soothing bubble bath, which was lovely until the ceiling collapsed into the tub. I can't even wash the filth off because my bath is full of drain-clogging plaster. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2016 21:03 - United States - Newport

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in years to ask about my upcoming wedding and possibly walking me down the aisle. He claimed the only reason he left was because he thought I'd be gay. I am. FML

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By college parking sucks - 30/9/2015 17:16 - United States - Deltona

Today, for the first time this semester, I was able to get parking in time for my Wednesday class. The professor was sick and class was cancelled. FML

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By fourfootnine - 7/3/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

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By soonaked - 30/1/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower. I took all of my clothes off, and stepped into the shower facing the knobs. When I turned around, I saw somebody standing in there with me. Apparently, my little brother and his friend were playing hide and seek, and I found his friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 15:05 - Ireland

Today, I had to use antiperspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

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By tacky_unrefined - 16/2/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of four months broke up with me via text message. He spelled my name wrong. FML

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Top comments

By MiddleChild08 | 0

#658312 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:21

Your boyfriend of two years had never said I love you before (which is what it seems from the way you said it)? I think you should have been expecting a break up...either he really doesn't want to be with you or he has commitment issues...

By ovrwhlmdbystupid | 0

#658314 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:22

i don't advocate saying i love you like. a month into your relationship...but if you've been dating for two years and haven't established that you're in love yet...what exactly have you been doing this whole time?

Comments

By jemini91 | 0

#658306 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:18

first

Reply

Reyo | 2

#658342 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:50

One of the few times I agree that this is an FYL, but next time...don't get your hopes up by "thinking he was gonna say "I love you"".

Reply

ortega_fml | 0

#658379 - Saturday 7 November 2009 0:33

YDI for being demanding.

Reply

americayay | 0

#658698 - Saturday 7 November 2009 6:19

2 years and he hadn't said it already? Wow. No wonder he dumped you if he wasn't feeling it after 2 years.

Reply

ElMarkino | 0

#984373 - Saturday 24 April 2010 22:58

fail

Reply

tedirvine | 2

#1230076 - Thursday 12 August 2010 18:24

what is it with women and their constant need to be loved?

By pcakewafflebacon | 0

#658308 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:19

whuh oh, that sucks...
I have nothing else to say

By fatherpunk | 1

#658309 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:19

OP is first.
You should of dumped him before he could dump you. Just to feel better.

Reply

phatdaddy | 0

#662864 - Monday 9 November 2009 21:38

Of you ever dumped someone before? It's not easy. I'm ofing a problem figuring out how to break up with my girlfriend of 1 year without completely devastating her, myself. If you of a way to do it, let me know what it is. I don't of a clue.

The word is "HAVE"
Learn English.

By MiddleChild08 | 0

#658312 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:21

Your boyfriend of two years had never said I love you before (which is what it seems from the way you said it)? I think you should have been expecting a break up...either he really doesn't want to be with you or he has commitment issues...

Reply

AngelRaven89 | 0

#658462 - Saturday 7 November 2009 1:53

that's what I was thinking. If it takes the guy 2 years and he hasn't said it, how could she not expect him to break up. guess he just wasnt feeling it, pity he took so long to decide tho. sorry OP, that sucks.

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#658635 - Saturday 7 November 2009 4:54

Exactly, I'm all for taking your time but after two years, he obviously wasn't commited. I'm sorry :(

By cheapsheep_fml | 0

#658313 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:21

I was going with I thought he had to poop.

Reply

rebelsrock | 17

#3005038 - Sunday 31 July 2011 2:14

same

By ovrwhlmdbystupid | 0

#658314 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:22

i don't advocate saying i love you like. a month into your relationship...but if you've been dating for two years and haven't established that you're in love yet...what exactly have you been doing this whole time?

Reply

perdix | 29

#658322 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:29

I'm with you on this one. Two years and no "I love you?" Absurd.

But more to the point: Who paid for breakfast?

Reply

x_HELLo_tHERE_x | 0

#825926 - Friday 5 February 2010 1:58

What was for breakfast?

By chellinha93 | 0

#658317 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:24

That suuucks... FYL and I agree with #3

By gargoyle666 | 5

#658324 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:30

Two years and he'd never told you he loved you? Sounds like you needed to go to Egypt and get him blown up by Megatron.

Reply

graciedacie | 0

#658351 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:54

Baha! Nice piece-o-crap movie reference :)

By KoRnchick | 3

#658326 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:34

why were you even together so long if he hadn't even told you he loved you yet?
what a waste of time!

By chingchongbinbin | 0

#658329 - Friday 6 November 2009 23:36

That sort of thing happens every day, you're not the only one who has ever gotten dumped. Two years is a long time you had it coming