Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me that I appear to have... - FML

By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 08:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me that I appear to have gained some weight. After realizing that it made me feel depressed, he tried to make me feel better by making love to me. I decided to go with it. While doing so, he paused and said "I'm sorry baby, but your weight is too much pressure for my back." FML

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Understandable

Mixed signals

Time for the ER

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 13:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Instead of having breakup sex, she tidied my room. She said it gave her more pleasure than any time we'd ever had sex. FML

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By bunintheoven - 23/10/2012 04:21 - United States - Seligman

Today, I went to my local Walmart to grab a few groceries, and while at the checkout line I grabbed two chocolate bars for a snack. The cashier gave me a look and mumbled under her breath, "Surprise, surprise." I'm pregnant, asshole. FML

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By strangeprincess - 9/9/2019 16:00

RIP, Moggie

Today, I had to put my cat to sleep after she was in an accident. While I was crying hysterically, the vet asked me for $230. FML

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By susan - 24/2/2010 01:26 - United States

Today, my husband actually was cleaning our bathrooms. I had to pee and the floor was wet in my upstairs bathroom. My wonderful husband told me to go downstairs. I did and sat on the toilet seat which felt wet. He forgot he had sprayed it with Tilex. Chemical burns on your butt are great. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2015 18:49 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I told to my girlfriend of 5 years that I'm depressed about having no friends, no job and a difficult family life. I told her that she's the one constant that keeps me going. She decided this was a good time to break up with me to "find" herself, since I was being so mopey. FML

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By Marco - 1/4/2013 21:00 - United States

Today, I brought a girl home from a bar. Things were getting hot and heavy when she asked if I had a condom. I opened my wallet to grab the one I keep in there, only to find the empty wrapper in its place; it was the only one I had. It seems drunk me is a bigger jerk than I thought. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2014 23:54 - United States

Today, my mom talked to me and my brother about how great it was that our cousin was getting away from drugs and becoming sober, as he would have so many more opportunities opened up for him now. She explained all this while sitting on our patio, smoking a blunt. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2015 15:10 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 16:17 - United States

Today, I had a science test. A question asked, "What is the first stage of photosynthesis?" I didn't know, so just trying to be light-hearted, I wrote, "The plant must first believe in itself." My teacher didn't think it was funny, and gave me detention for insulting her intelligence. FML

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By Sky - 25/7/2018 01:30

Today, since my parents always told me that I was welcome to come home whenever I want or need, I decided to stop by. They'd changed the locks and wouldn't let me in. FML

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By forever single, I guess - 15/3/2013 22:43 - United States

Today, at college, I finally talked myself into confessing my feelings to a girl I really like. Her response was to threaten to sue me. For what, exactly? I have no goddamned idea. I just don't understand people anymore. FML

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By STUPID BIRTHDAY - 5/3/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. I set up a dinner party for 20 of my closest friends. I arrived at the restaurant, fully dressed and everything. When I got there, I thought everyone was ready to surprise me, but instead, nobody showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, I called my mother to check up on her. Lately, she's been having some financial problems, so last week I sent her my last $100 to help her out until her next paycheck. She used the money to euthanize the family dog. FML

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By Galaxy - 29/3/2014 17:03 - Belgium - Guigoven

Today, my girlfriend texted me, telling me to come home quickly, because she had a "surprise" waiting for me. I convinced my boss to let me go home, and rushed out. Turns out the "surprise" was just that she'd bought herself a pet bunny. FML

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By Puppylove - 26/2/2013 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my friend's house, when she commented that her dog's fur kept getting tangled because of its length. I reached over to tickle his tummy, felt a big tangled knot and agreed that he needed a good grooming. Then I realized what I'd grabbed wasn't fur. FML

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By - 25/1/2009 12:36 - France

Today, a ball rolled up to me, so I picked it up and threw it over the school wall. A little boy who was behind me asked for his ball back. It's Sunday and the school is closed. FML

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By navyma - 17/9/2009 05:10 - Korea Republic of

Today, I went to the orthodontist to have my braces worked on. I accidentally swallowed some of the cleaning solution she used. She told me it would probably give me an upset stomach. Apparently, an upset stomach and crapping your pants means the same thing to an orthodontist. FML

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By brittney242 - 17/12/2016 10:03 - United States - Stow

Today, while at a night club, I was wearing a brand new outfit that I absolutely loved. I was enjoying myself until I felt something wet drop onto my head and body from above. It was puke from a drunk guy in the V.I.P. section. FML

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By thesaddestsoup - 2/2/2017 20:00 - Macedonia - Stip

Today, my long-distance relationship ended. The only thing my dad had to say to comfort me was that he hopes my phone bills will, "go back to normal now." FML

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By Owww - 10/7/2018 19:00

Today, I went to the dentist at 8:30 for a check up. I walked out at 2:00 with a root canal and several thousand dollars in debt. I guess I'm not having a wedding this year or quitting the job I hate. FML

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By Rich - 25/2/2009 02:20 - United States

Today, my parents gave me a shirt from Banana Republic for my birthday. It looked like one I had bought for myself a couple of days earlier but I thanked them and went to hang it in my closet. An empty hanger hung where I placed the shirt I had purchased. They gave me my shirt for my birthday. FML

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By anonymous - 13/3/2016 19:53 - United States - Marysville

Today, when my son gets mad in a store, he will scream stranger danger and run away from me, and to an employee, and ask for help. FML

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By Oops - 4/7/2014 17:35 - United States

Today, I was at the gym, when I saw my uncle at the front desk. I quietly went up behind him and slapped him hard on the back while yelling "What's up, loser?!" He turned around. It wasn't my uncle. FML

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By hottygirl905 - 24/4/2012 11:50 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I found out I have a kidney infection. Now I'm forced to drink at least 4 glasses of water before going to bed. I also have to be woken up every two hours to be told to, "GO PEE BEFORE YOU DIE!" by my mother. FML

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By THANKS4theINFO - 23/5/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie at my girlfriend's house with her and her parents. There was a part where a brother and sister kissed, so I said "where'd they come from, Alabama?" Today is also the day I found out my girlfriend's parents are from Alabama. FML

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By princess - 8/9/2018 13:00

Today, I accidentally touched a hot pan and, like any normal person would, jerked my hand back. My mom saw, yelled at me for being a "prissy princess" and then proceeded to stick her whole hand on the hot pan for a full 5 seconds. FML

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By Noname - 6/3/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, I went for a job interview on my birthday. I had on a shirt and a tie on and I had my Blackberry in my pocket. I was running a little late, so I dashed outside. When I came out of the door, a bunch of my buddies screamed HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and poured Gatorade all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 05:33

Today, while on a family Disney world vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom's floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML

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By Laura - 17/9/2010 00:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years decided it was finally time to have sex. After we did, he told me that he was sleeping with another girl. He wanted to have sex with me to see who was better. FML

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By kerry - 20/1/2010 05:30 - Canada

Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can't remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML

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By Nicky_ham - 6/1/2016 04:56 - Canada - Regina

Today, a 65-ish year-old man told me that he's married and not supposed to look at other women, but that I tempt him. All while sitting next to his wife, who then told me I was going to hell. FML

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By KD - 4/1/2015 21:53 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my friends and I were talking about our celebrity lookalikes. We decided that my friends all had attractive celebrity lookalikes, including Scarlett Johansson and Hayden Panettiere. When it was my turn, they decided that my "celebrity" lookalike is the Pillsbury Doughboy. FML

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By Username - 13/8/2011 11:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a scary movie. I was starting to get a small headache so he gently brushed my hair. During a scary part he jumped and hit me in the head as hard as he could with the brush. I'm still recovering from the migraine. FML

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By TrueScotsman - 29/10/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I wore my kilt to the university I attend. Getting tired of the stares which I was receiving, I yelled "It's cause its too big to fit in my pants". As soon as the words left my mouth, a gust of wind came and blew my kilt up around my waist, revealing that my previous claim was untrue. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2013 17:12 - United States - California

Today, I got a call from a girl I dated long ago, who cheated on me and got pregnant by another guy, or so we thought. Turns out it isn't his, and she is taking me to court for child support. FML

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By tbree - 19/9/2014 22:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 21:15 - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing. I slipped on the ice and fell in the middle of the road, dislocating my left shoulder and knee. As I was screaming in pain and trying to stand up, two boys on the pavement threw snowballs at me while everyone in the cars just drove around me. FML

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By no tp - 15/2/2012 01:26 - United States

Today, I forgot to grab toilet paper on the way home from work. Since I don't have a car and all of my friends have plans for Valentine's Day I'm now down to wiping with cotton balls. FML

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By duhitskelly94 - 24/5/2009 14:48 - United States

Today, I drove 150 miles to see one of my favorite singers in concert. Before I got out of the car I checked to make sure I had the tickets. Did I have the tickets? Yes. Were they for today's concert? Nope. FML

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By shut up. - 11/11/2013 10:36 - New Zealand

Today, I was mentioning to a coworker how there was a huge lull today in business. A young coworker then turns to me and says in a snooty tone, "I think you mean a 'lol', it's pronounced L-O-L." FML

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Top comments

By amerwin | 3

#1683021 - Thursday 11 November 2010 16:44

Tell him he needs to get his weight up. He sounds like a sissy.

By ulicksam | 0

#1683187 - Thursday 11 November 2010 17:06

Seriously, if a guy complains about your weight during sex, it's too much weight. Most guys would let a little extra slide while they're getting some.

COMMENTS

By stro88 | 6

#1682926 - Thursday 11 November 2010 16:34

that's what getting on your knees is for :-)

Reply

belouie | 2

#1683233 - Thursday 11 November 2010 17:10

that's good motavation to not be over weight

Reply

iGrenade | 0

#1683694 - Thursday 11 November 2010 19:34

u would get way more ydis if u were a dude, op.

Reply

generalasskicker | 12

#1684021 - Thursday 11 November 2010 20:50

indeed

Reply

0opsie | 6

#1684251 - Thursday 11 November 2010 22:41

Look on the bright side. You could've had to say:

"Today, I found out my boyfriend's back is permanently damaged. He told me it happened while I was on him last night, but didn't say anything at the time because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. FML"

Reply

movie141 | 0

#1684728 - Friday 12 November 2010 1:35

he should be on top

Reply

bh0p | 0

#1697782 - Sunday 14 November 2010 5:15

Tell your bf get out. I can handle a big woman. ;).....Unless your like above 250

By jayemdoubleyou | 1

#1682960 - Thursday 11 November 2010 16:38

Drop a few lbs.

By Doopliss01 | 0

#1682972 - Thursday 11 November 2010 16:39

Whahahahaha

By Mauskau | 35

#1683000 - Thursday 11 November 2010 16:42

fail

By Zmeilerr | 22

#1683011 - Thursday 11 November 2010 16:43

I like girls with a little meat on them. :)

Reply

#1683033 - Thursday 11 November 2010 16:45

as do i. :D
OP, put down the cheeseburger and go to the gym. YDI.

Reply

yamiyaiba | 5

#1683141 - Thursday 11 November 2010 17:03

Exactly. Skinny girls are overrated.

Reply

tati3092 | 1

#1683488 - Thursday 11 November 2010 18:18

girls with meat have boobs and ass hahah more to grab instead if twigs

Reply

Zmeilerr | 22

#1683577 - Thursday 11 November 2010 18:54

exactly, #33

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#1684146 - Thursday 11 November 2010 21:58

Hermaphrodites have a little meat on them

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#1685853 - Friday 12 November 2010 7:12

So do baby back ribs. Mmmmm...ribs...with BBQ sauce...

Wait, what are we talking about?

Reply

C6Racer | 0

#1686003 - Friday 12 November 2010 7:42

Ribs with bbq sauce, Doc.

Reply

ItsJustMe17 | 9

#1790673 - Saturday 4 December 2010 4:07

bahahahaa

Reply

EmperorChowilio | 21

#6016450 - Wednesday 23 July 2014 18:49

skinny doesn't necessarily mean no curves #33 you or you're profile picture is the perfect example of that

Reply

tournamentdecide | 33

#6039944 - Saturday 16 August 2014 23:51

I can't help being skinny

Reply

jelly_bennett | 23

#6278950 - Friday 1 May 2015 19:07

Exactly. People body shame all too often

By amerwin | 3

#1683021 - Thursday 11 November 2010 16:44

Tell him he needs to get his weight up. He sounds like a sissy.

Reply

ReyesAlcazar | 0

#4059692 - Monday 20 February 2012 9:39

Stupid thing to say..she's big. How do u know he's not already tough, she's just too big..?

By x3herox3 | 0

#1683025 - Thursday 11 November 2010 16:44

LOL #6

Reply

Zmeilerr | 22

#1683435 - Thursday 11 November 2010 17:54

;)

By boomstick | 0

#1683035 - Thursday 11 November 2010 16:45

Your boyfriend is a pussy. Tell him he's been getting flabby and should think about lifting weights.

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#1683471 - Thursday 11 November 2010 18:10

What if he hasn't been? Why lash out blindly because he was honest? What he said wasn't particularly kind but getting defensive and looking for things to attack him about just makes her fat and a bitch. What's the good in that?

By dzj | 0

#1683056 - Thursday 11 November 2010 16:49

ouch:/

By robo_panda | 0

#1683087 - Thursday 11 November 2010 16:56

thats some heavy shit!

Reply

dzj | 0

#1683317 - Thursday 11 November 2010 17:25

hahahahaha!

Reply

riseofabreakings | 0

#1684543 - Friday 12 November 2010 0:22

haha!