Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first... - FML

By Anonymous - 13/01/2011 02:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing my dad said to him was "So, how low have you kissed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 939

You deserved it 3 903

Age difference

Batman

Scammers scamming

By Ithoughtheywerenormalpeople - 11/08/2014 05:11 - United States - Houston

Today, as I awoke, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and police sirens were wailing at a drug bust next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 125

You deserved it 3 700

By ppd_sucks - 29/12/2010 20:03 - United States

Today, my wife and I received confirmation that she has postpartum depression. When sharing this with the family, my mother exclaimed "I told you she was a psycho!" Now my wife is crying louder and more often than our newborn. Thanks, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 585

You deserved it 3 578

By bigmozwoman - 18/09/2015 02:18 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was driving students home on my school bus. I looked up in time to see a student wipe what would be one of many boogers across the window. As I'm cleaning the window, I tell her, "This is disgusting." Her reply? "No, it's not. It's PERFECT!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 020

You deserved it 1 735

By lildale92 - 29/11/2018 05:00

Today, I asked my husband to watch our kids while I cooked food for him. Apparently I asked in the wrong tone, because now he's pouting and won't eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 794

You deserved it 357

By whatever - 23/03/2009 06:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was on a third date with a girl. Things had been going really well. At one point, the conversation lulled. After a moment of silence, she asked me what my greatest fantasy was. I told her that it was being a superhero. She told me that she meant sexual fantasy. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 612

You deserved it 67 623

By pdub523 - 27/01/2013 05:57 - United States - Longview

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 110

You deserved it 3 795

By Tickdick - 24/03/2017 21:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got out of the shower and noticed a tiny leaf on my penis. With legs. Squirming. I have a new nickname. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 259

You deserved it 536

By CAchickadee - 29/05/2011 04:27 - United States

Today, I was singing while unloading my dishwasher. I heard a knock on the door and went to answer it only to find the police telling me they received noise complaints from my neighbors. I live next-door to my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 209

You deserved it 6 201

By torkx3 - 21/07/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 725

You deserved it 40 107

By GrippedMyBalls - 15/07/2009 13:21 - Korea Republic of

Today, at martial arts practice, a guest sensei wanted to teach me some "manners". He pinned me down and proceded to choke me while crushing my nuts with his hands and yelling at me in front of the whole class, "DOES THAT HURT?!!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 271

You deserved it 9 012

By kaitlyna15 - 01/08/2012 01:54 - United States - Bellevue

Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 911

You deserved it 1 788

By ashlee - 31/08/2010 18:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 289

You deserved it 4 627

By Anonymous - 25/07/2011 17:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got a completely random boner at a coffee shop, five seconds before two attractive women asked me to stand up and take their picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 448

You deserved it 5 757

By ohgodwhy - 27/11/2012 23:46 - Canada - Brampton

Today, a customer at the Walmart I work at had a hissy fit and began throwing merchandise everywhere, including at my face, because we are Canadian and don't have a show called "Extreme Couponing" for "devoted shoppers" like her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 300

You deserved it 1 802

Food for thought

By that’s what you get - 05/08/2020 17:02

Today, I warned my husband not to eat the seafood he'd left on the counter. He insisted it was fine. He’s now been in the bathroom shitting, puking and wailing for three hours. Our place is tiny and the bathroom is attached to our bedroom. The door doesn’t keep out the noise or the rancid smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 737

You deserved it 164

By rainey - 03/02/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, my car alarm went off so I went outside to investigate. Apparently, the abundant rain water in my street had swept a trash can five houses down, only to be stopped by my car. My bumper was dented by a run-away waste receptacle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 333

You deserved it 2 564

By Torbey - 14/09/2016 03:49 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my younger brother complained yet again of soreness in his wrist. Frustrated with his constant whining, my mother turned to him and snapped, 'Well, what have you been using it for all this time then!?' The awkward silence of realisation for them both won't go away anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 490

You deserved it 1 263

Stop calling

By Anonymous - 09/10/2021 23:02 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I've changed my number twice already. When I asked why the insurance agent gave my contact details away without my consent, she replied, "But he seemed so concerned about you!" I suddenly wish there was a serial killer list I can upload her personal information to. Not that I'll actually do it, but fuck you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 075

You deserved it 63

By Anonymous - 23/04/2016 00:33 - United States - Newton Center

Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find five new words in books and movies. She was watching Shrek, so her first word was "thong". FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 503

You deserved it 2 093

By Alex - 11/06/2019 14:30

Today, I was working at my job at a bank. A couple was waiting in the lobby, and not being busy, I asked what they needed. They told me that they were applying for a loan, so I asked if it was for something exciting. It was to pay for their 12-year-old son's burial expenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 355

You deserved it 350

By rockytrolley - 08/10/2014 09:01 - Cyprus

Today, my taxi driver kept falling asleep and swerving off the road, so I asked him if he was okay. He stopped and burst out sobbing about the long hours he had to do after his divorce and his wife taking all he had. Long story short, I ended up driving him home and getting a taxi from his place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 096

You deserved it 3 655

By okay._. - 01/11/2012 07:54 - United States - Marysville

Spicy

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying that I couldn't wait for him to get home and see my costume, and that I had dressed up as a naked lady. He texted back asking if I could dress up as someone who was making dinner instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 341

You deserved it 7 348

By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 09:55 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, a long standing fantasy was ruined when the only lasting impression from my first threesome was of how good my boyfriend is at giving other guys a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 476

You deserved it 8 662

Bad timing

By Horneyandbleeding - 23/11/2020 07:01 - Canada - Winnipeg

Spicy

Today, I got my period. I was going to have my first threesome tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 993

You deserved it 426

By reisz618 - 31/05/2019 07:00

Today, I was at a barbecue and, unbeknownst to me, took a bite of really hot bacon. In my ensuing panic, I grabbed and took a swig of my friend's beer. It wasn't beer, at least not any more. She was using it as an ashtray, and I got a mouthful of cigarette butts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 555

By Z88 - 21/04/2010 20:29 - South Africa

Today, a customer came into the music shop I work in to look at guitars. After calling the customer "Dude," and "Man," numerous times, they stalked off suddenly. When I asked if everything was okay, they responded with, "I'm female, you asshole!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 847

You deserved it 43 135

By campmom - 08/07/2009 05:02

Today, my nine year old son went around telling everyone that me and my husband had a "foursome" last month. It turns out that some douchebag counselor at the camp he goes to thought it would be funny to tell him that a foursome was a divorce. All of his friend's parents think we're kinky freaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 338

You deserved it 3 813

By True Story - 29/08/2011 12:46 - Canada

Today, it's been a year since I've been with my girlfriend, and I think that I hate more things about her than I like. For instance, how she likes to throw furniture at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 040

You deserved it 10 244

By Anonymous - 22/11/2014 15:34 - United States - Waterville

Today, I had to babysit both my neighbor's 3-year-old daughter and my very pregnant cat. I left the room briefly, only to come back to a traumatized 3-year-old crying in horror as my cat gave birth in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 484

You deserved it 4 480

Frustration level: 2000

By Anonymous - 12/08/2020 05:01

Spicy

Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 939

You deserved it 329

By systeminitiated - 02/05/2009 04:55 - Canada

Today, in math class we were learning about gravity. To demonstrate my teacher asked me to stand on the desk and then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward and cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 094

You deserved it 9 858

Caught spunk-handed

By Anonymous - 28/07/2020 23:01

Spicy

Today, I was watching porn in the living room with the volume turned up, because I was under the impression that my family had already left for vacation. It turns out my cousin and his girlfriend were upstairs the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 630

You deserved it 2 047

By ZeroLuck - 16/08/2013 02:32 - United States - Miami

Today, I was at the gym when I noticed a girl I like working out on the elliptical. I went to go say hi, but chickened out and went to run on the treadmill in front of her instead. I was so nervous that I tripped and the machine threw me headfirst into her machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 011

You deserved it 8 906

By Anonymous - 30/01/2010 13:16 - United States

Today, I was walking to school. When I was about halfway there, someone put a gun to the back of my head and told me to give him all my money. As I slowly turned around, I saw it was my dad putting a banana to my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 354

You deserved it 5 561

By Mad Munki - 07/12/2017 05:00

Today, I went on the best date of my life with someone I’ve admired for a very long time. On the car ride home, she vomited all over my lap and informed me that she’s moving across the country next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 792

You deserved it 345

Disappointing

By WhoopsIDidItAgain - 05/11/2021 09:00 - United States - Morgantown

Spicy

Today, I realized that just because he danced with you, groped you, and told you he wants to sleep with you, doesn't mean that he likes you and won't leave you on "delivered" for days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 850

You deserved it 445

What do you want from me?

By charapos - 28/11/2021 08:01

Today, the person who I've asked to back off is still messaging me and making me more stressed out. I'm pretty sure he fancies me, but I'm asexual. This after he already promised to back off multiple times. I think I've got myself a stalker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 993

You deserved it 175

By Anonymous - 24/02/2012 12:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 914

You deserved it 5 744

Nice day for a picnic

By litterbug - 06/07/2021 04:01

Today, I have to go to court to contest a bullshit citation I got in the local park. I’m pregnant and was picnicking with my kids when my toddler ran off. I took off after him, leaving my blanket and food. When I came back, the power tripping park ranger wrote me a ticket for littering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 255

You deserved it 84

By anonymous - 05/07/2013 06:11 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while jogging, a guy tackled me and got my iPhone. Being a good runner, I caught up with him and grabbed him. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground with a policeman yelling in my ear. The guy got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 628

You deserved it 3 379

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Top comments

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:19

If he said lips, would he be wrong?

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:07

How embarrassing. That seems like the kind of question a parent should ask their child in private. Haha FYL

Comments

stephanieface 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:04

lolol gross

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:06

Dad knows what's up. Haha

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:14

dad know what's "down!!!!"

Sexy_Lexi_Gonz 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:21

what a jerk.

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:23

I'm talkin down town!!

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:54

How low can you go?

Qluz 3

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:10

baby are you down down downdown down~

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 0:52

17 downtown Bobby Brown

InstantRanbowMix 0

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Monday 26 March 2012 5:17

And his answer was...?

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:05

FIRST.

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:06

so close:(

miss_sunshine716 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:08

yet so far lol

miss_sunshine716 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:05

lol wtf? odd much.

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Thursday 13 January 2011 23:34

I woulda laughed and shot back, "I tried to kiss her toes but she's too ticklish!"

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Monday 17 January 2011 12:53

he should've said her lips have been all over his body that would've made him pretty angry

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:07

How embarrassing. That seems like the kind of question a parent should ask their child in private. Haha FYL

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:19

lol. That's a question a parent shouldn't really ask!!! Especially when just meeting the boyfriend.

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Thursday 13 January 2011 10:39

Very true

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Thursday 13 January 2011 12:54

But it does show how well the boyfriend does under pressure.

RedPillSucks 31

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Thursday 13 January 2011 14:57

That's the question a dad asks while brandishing a bat, or a Glock

kinkajoujennie 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:10

kiss my pipi!

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Thursday 13 January 2011 13:55

I would have said "feet and toes only"

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Thursday 13 January 2011 15:50

I would've said that I treat your daughter like a queen and kiss her feet or I would've said pelvic region cause she got a boo boo there and it made her feel better.

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Thursday 13 January 2011 17:55

'This one time, we kissed lying on the floor!'

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Thursday 13 January 2011 17:57

We kissed below sea level

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Friday 14 January 2011 0:32

Hahahaha - ^ WIN

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 6:18

hahaha yes!

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:11

Just below the hair :x

unidentified_sta 5

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:21

FOREHEAD! Or potentially below armpit hair, nose hair, his/her mustaches. Cannot possibly think of another place.

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Thursday 13 January 2011 14:56

eww

sassypants93 17

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Friday 14 January 2011 1:18

15-maybe if you're a pedophile...

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Friday 14 January 2011 9:40

^^^^ Win!

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Thursday 30 June 2011 16:38

haha 9 is a win

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:19

If he said lips, would he be wrong?

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:40

haha win!!

Chunkylover76 4

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Thursday 13 January 2011 10:19

That's right...just don't say they were the vertical ones! Like your thinking SourGirl!!

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Friday 14 January 2011 17:33

haha that's a great point

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:22

That's really creepy. Sorry, OP but your dads gross.

b6000 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 16:37

you are really cute

PSQ91 6

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:26

He was just trying to be funny probably, you can't tell if he meant it seriously...

jestr 0

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Thursday 13 January 2011 9:28

hahah im sure that was followed by a awkward laugh :)

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 12

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 125

You deserved it 2 390

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 197