Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/1/2010 08:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence when he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear." FML

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Body issues

White line fever

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By soon to be unemployed - 28/1/2014 22:36 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my boss let me know that I'm being laid off, via a text message that ended in "lmao". FML

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By redjesus69 - 3/2/2010 03:52 - United States

Today, after almost nine months of doing anything and everything to show my love for my girlfriend and make her happy, she told me she would give "anything" to relive the one week of her and her ex's relationship where she was the happiest in her life. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2016 08:21 - United States - Pomona

Today, I went to a bingo club with my gran and won the second game and a butthurt old lady accused me of cheating. I ended up being taken aside by an apologetic member of staff and asked to leave. I'm still trying to figure out how you can even cheat at bingo. FML

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By ositsranielle - 13/2/2010 17:32 - United States

Today, while I was painting, my little nephew came in and started watching me. I left to clean my brushes. When I came back into the room, my nephew had spilled paint all over the carpet making a rainbow. It took me 5 hours to clean it up. FML

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By hawaiiansokkrboi - 19/4/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I was practicing soccer at my school. My team was practicing penalty kicks. It was my turn up and this cute girl that I like was watching off ten feet away from the goal. I was running to take the kick when I slipped and kicked the ball. It hit her head and now she won't talk to me. FML

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By Slayer - 9/10/2011 23:28 - Canada

Today, I went out to lunch with a couple of work buddies. Trying to be suave, I started hitting on our waitress. Not two seconds after saying, "Hey baby," I felt ice water on my balls. The guy next to me had spilled both our water glasses. FML

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By BagBoy - 13/11/2013 06:42 - United States

Today, I was taking out a customer's groceries when he offered me a $5 tip. I told him I couldn't accept, since it's against store policy, but thanked him anyway. He called me an asshole just as my boss was walking to his car, who then yelled at me for it. FML

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By BrokeAndHungry - 24/7/2016 17:05 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I was so ashamed of being broke that instead of asking my parents for money, I snuck into their house while they were at work to steal some of their food. FML

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By Mishlette - 23/1/2015 13:27 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I started at my new job. Turns out my boss is a complete douchebag. He spent most of the day looking over our shoulders and making cuntish comments about our work, then called a guy a piece of shit for farting and forced him to spray disinfectant on his chair. FML

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By anonymous - 24/10/2014 01:25 - United States - West Babylon

Today, my best friend and I, after years of sexual tension, began to have sex for the first time. Things got heated and he decided to abruptly stand up with me around him. I got so nervous, spazzed out, and now have 37 staples in my head courtesy of his bookshelf. FML

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By annonymous - 19/9/2012 06:24 - United States

Today, I was talking on the phone with my crush. After an hour of talking she told me, "If you were half as hot as you sound over the phone, I'd date you immediately." Maybe I should give up on love and start a phone sex line. FML

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By blinded - 5/7/2009 16:10 - United States

Today, my little brother learned that breaking a glow stick and emptying it into someone's eyes does not help them see in the dark. It's a good lesson, I just wish he hadn't used my eyes to learn it. The doctor says the burning feeling should go away in 3 or 4 days. FML

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By InsultToInjury - 28/12/2018 04:00

Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

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By starley - 13/8/2010 09:11 - United States

Today, my husband of 3 years, who I have a 1 year old daughter with, told me he wants a divorce, but who knows, maybe in the future we can "date." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2011 11:50 - United States

Today, I was let go from my balloon-selling job at the zoo. They put a new monkey cage in my designated spot. I was literally fired so a monkey could take my place. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2020 14:00

Yappy neighborhood

Today, I don't think my neighbours realize that, by getting that dog they have been wanting, they ruined the peace and quiet of the entire neighbourhood, consisting of ten houses. I'm the person underneath whose window that dog barks every day - mostly when I'm either trying to fall asleep or wanting to sleep in. FML

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By Arachnaphobe - 3/6/2016 22:14 - United States - Bloomington

Today, a large spider climbed inside my lunchbox while my mom was making me sandwiches. She didn't tell me about it until after I got home from school, though, and only because I mentioned a strange aftertaste in the sandwiches. She said she didn't want me to worry over lunch because she knows I hate spiders. FML

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By kte - 30/12/2010 10:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents bought a stripper pole, my mom even hired a stripper to teach her some "moves." I'm scared to go in their room now. FML

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By sparkrok - 6/3/2014 00:36 - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work, I was standing around, doing nothing. When my coworker pointed this out, I laughed and said, "It's okay, I'm training for a supervisor position!" Guess who was standing right behind me. FML

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By Tomatoe Face - 22/4/2014 05:31 - United States - Antioch

Today, I used a facial mask for super sensitive skin, recommended by several friends with similar skin issues. Apparently, when the warning says, "May cause some slight redness for thirty minutes", it really means, "Your face will have hives and swell to twice its normal size for several hours." FML

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By Atropos - 1/6/2019 00:00

Today, I went to the campus health office because I had some VERY strong pains in my side. I thought my appendix was about to burst. I asked the receptionist for a doctor, but she said they were all out of the office until later, and kindly offered to make me an appointment for mid June. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2019 06:04

Today, at 3 in the morning, I rolled out of bed in my sleep, landing butt-first into my trash can and scraping my arm on my bedside table. I cleaned up the mess I'd made and tried to stop my arm from bleeding. During which, my dad banged on the door and told me to keep it down. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2014 02:34 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to the restroom to pee. A loud fart exploded out of my ass and echoed in the toilet bowl. I could practically feel my face on fire when I saw the horrified look on a little girl's face as I walked out. FML

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By fml - 25/4/2009 01:55 - United States

Today, I was walking through town when I saw a plastic bag on the ground. Trying to be a good citizen, I picked it up, intending on throwing it in the trash. When I looked up, there wasn't a trash can for another hundred feet. So I put it back down. Now I've got a $200 fine to pay for littering. FML

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By Funyearahead - 8/8/2016 12:44 - United States - Red Bank

Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML

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By henhouse - 18/7/2015 11:09 - Australia - Brunswick East

Today, I lost my virginity. The most memorable aspect of it wasn't the fact that my boyfriend finished after two thrusts, but rather the fact that he first said, "The pilot has entered the cockpit." FML

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By Celewyn - 4/10/2016 11:11 - Australia

Today, my patient knocked my glasses off as I assisted him in the shower. We both looked in terror as they fell into his unflushed toilet. This patient was isolated due to a contagious infection. FML

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By wrestling probs - 26/5/2015 02:24 - United States

Today, I was wrestling in a tournament. I was in the finals about to win when the kid threw up on me. They thought I'd hit him in the stomach hard enough to make him throw up, so they disqualified me. FML

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By unsatisfied - 1/2/2010 00:20 - United States

Today, things heated up with the new guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks, he kept saying things like "I want you so bad" and "it's going to take hours" to the point that I was so hot, I decided to go for it. Apparently he has "a problem sometimes" getting it up. FML

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By Tempted to hide a fish under the floor - 22/9/2018 05:30 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I marked 3 weeks since meeting my crazy new landlady. Apparently I can't use the dishwasher because "there's no soap", can't bring the trash cans into the garage to keep the bears from getting it, and have to sweep before the cleaning service comes because "it's not their job". FML

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By wowzers0889 - 28/4/2012 21:21 - United States - New York

Today, I was sent to a customer's house to switch out a washing machine. My boss had assured me that everything I'd need was already in the truck. Halfway there, I ran out of gas and I realized I didn't have the gas card. My boss says it's my fault. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 12:05 - United States

Today, my mom tells my sister that she is worried about her because she has a headache and feels like she might be getting a slight cold. I have had the flu for two weeks and have a 103 degree fever. I ask, "What about me?" Her response? "Stay away from your sister." FML

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By dinosaucer - 12/10/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, I was accused of masturbating during work. I was actually just getting something out of my pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2018 15:00

Today, I woke up from surgery to have my appendix removed, only to be told by my wife it didn’t happen because my appendix was healthy. It turns out my intense pain was a rancid fart that lasted nearly 10 whole seconds while I was asleep and cut open on the operating table. FML

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By Elle(; - 11/8/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling my neck. Thinking it was him, I ignored it. Just when I was about to climax, I looked down to see a lizard on me. FML

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By doggie_doo_face - 6/2/2010 00:50 - United States

Today, my dog accidentally crapped on her leash. When I flicked the leash to get the poo off, it went flying. Have you ever had warm poo hit you in the face on a cold day when there's 6 inches of snow on the ground? I have. FML

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By anonymous - 19/3/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, I heard water splashing outside of my house; I investigated it, only to find my dad, whom I don't live with, syphoning gas out of my car. FML

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By Chey1309 - 29/6/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I looked alright for our date. He said, "Honey, you look fine, just don't go out in public like that." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 17:00

Nutters Inc.

Today, I bumped into a lady, apologised and tried to continue on. She screamed assault and tried to citizen's arrest me. I've got better things to do, so I ignored her but she latched onto my leg like a toddler. I ended up dragging this insane woman up the street until she finally let go. FML

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By 21! - 3/7/2012 01:53 - United States - Schenectady

Today, while walking around my college campus, I passed by a dorm where a drunk guy was peeing out one of the top floor windows while his drunk friends cheered him on. That guy is my boyfriend. Lucky me. FML

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Top comments

By Dfox | 0

#798000 - Monday 25 January 2010 17:18

she's not a prude because she doesnt want a weiner up her butt. If she is uncomfortable with it, her boyfriend should be understanding..

By Fr0gg13 | 0

#797912 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:36

that means he prob a kinky freak that is extremly open with anything sexual. not many ppl understand that and instantly think it's homosexual thing.

Comments

By perdix | 29

#797908 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:34

What an asshole! ;)

Are you dating Sen. Larry Craig?

Reply

wheatie | 0

#798022 - Monday 25 January 2010 17:34

perdix, you make all of these better(:

Reply

musiclife_fml | 0

#798235 - Monday 25 January 2010 20:12

and perdix gets a perfect 10 from the political blogger :)

Reply

jerkwad | 0

#798907 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 2:28

perdix continues to be as unfunny as ever

Reply

darktooth | 0

#799177 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 4:39

You lack to understand humor.

Reply

PottentialFML | 0

#799259 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 5:14

Yes Perdix I agree he is a pretty "shitty" boyfriend :P

Reply

FMLtimes316 | 0

#799302 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 5:37

hahaha perdix makes FML. (:

By amiracle | 0

#797909 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:34

He didn't say he himself had anal sex, silly. Look up info the 'male g-spot'. I'm guessing your boyfriend is curious, 's all. Definitely not a FML. Unless you're prude, that is :-).

By Fr0gg13 | 0

#797912 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:36

that means he prob a kinky freak that is extremly open with anything sexual. not many ppl understand that and instantly think it's homosexual thing.

Reply

BunBunBabe | 8

#5439573 - Monday 8 April 2013 4:09

Yeah lots of guys like it but won't admit it in fear of others thinking they're gay

By I_Fart_Freely | 0

#797925 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:43

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

anela_fml | 0

#797943 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:51

it is but still hurts like he'll

Reply

RainbowGecko | 0

#798358 - Monday 25 January 2010 21:10

lol yeeaa... that gets annoying

Reply

midnight21 | 8

#4478601 - Friday 25 May 2012 2:39

So how would you like it if someone stuck something up your ass violently?

Reply

bizarre_ftw | 21

#5172214 - Wednesday 21 November 2012 22:02

It's anal sex, not anal rape! Why in the hell would you choose the adjective "violently"?!

Reply

LindsayxMoore | 18

#5524362 - Friday 7 June 2013 5:26

Sorry but my ass is intended for stuff to come out not go in, thats what the vagina is for. I certainly dont want my bfs penis up there.

Reply

threer | 30

#5685462 - Monday 23 September 2013 5:05

Girls poop...?

Reply

commentgirl | 8

#5803019 - Tuesday 24 December 2013 1:03

It's also less rewarding than giving birth.

Reply

Undecidedlime | 6

#6110368 - Wednesday 5 November 2014 19:03

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????

By I_Fart_Freely | 0

#797934 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:47

#6 = Butt Pirate

By anela_fml | 0

#797941 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:49

run run far away especially since he's lying

By davidhasmorefun | 0

#797959 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:56

fyl for being a prude.

By iloveloosy12 | 0

#797961 - Monday 25 January 2010 16:58

yeah you don't ask why he knows, you just do it

By Fr0gg13 | 0

#797986 - Monday 25 January 2010 17:12

there is plenty of women who crave it. and many men who enjoy a little anal play.. the OP is a PRUDE

Reply

nfjskcbdkdjdjdn | 2

#3920760 - Saturday 21 January 2012 21:48

Maybe she just doesn't want to have buttsex. You ever thought of THAT, dickweed?

Reply

aconsultant | 9

#6616115 - Friday 27 May 2016 14:15

dickweed.... how interesting..

By Shmeaty | 0

#797999 - Monday 25 January 2010 17:18

woman. stfu and take it.