Today, my boyfriend finally found a roommate after hopelessly... - FML

By doubletrouble - 22/4/2011 14:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally found a roommate after hopelessly looking for months. I was really anxious to meet the guy because I would most likely be spending a good amount of time with him. Who did my boyfriend end up picking as his new roommate? My ex-boyfriend. FML

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Family values

Innocent

Empathy hurts

By deli Shoppe - 27/6/2012 04:39 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I went to the bookstore and saw a stunning girl reading. I walked over and picked up a book, thinking our two books were the same category, hence a good conversation starter. She looked at me, and I pointed at my book and smiled. After that, she left. It was a sex position book. FML

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By unknown relationship - 28/6/2013 05:23 - United States - Shorewood

Today, after working at my job for months, I quit. Why? My boss tried to convince me that we are in a secret relationship after he told me he loved me. FML

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By thenewgirl - 6/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my boyfriend and I were wondering whose extra spare key was on the counter when we came home. Turns out it's his ex's and she returned it, while neither of us were home. We're still taking inventory to see what's missing. FML

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By WasteOfTime - 1/11/2009 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, as I stopped at a traffic light, I noticed the man in the car next to me break out in laughter. I pulled over later on to see that someone had drawn a large penis on the side of my van. I then spent all my morning cleaning it off. I went outside later only to see someone had redrawn it. FML

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By booearns - 17/4/2012 03:47 - United States

Today, I visited my doctor upon coming home from University. I found out that I'm severely allergic to our pet bunny, which has resulted in a rash taking over my body. She suggested that we get rid of the bunny. I told my mom. She told me to come home less often. FML

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By Project-Mayhem - 2/12/2009 10:57 - United States

Today, my family went to the Christmas tree farm, and cut down the perfect tree. When we got home we put the kids down for a nap and took some time to relax. We went out to the truck to bring the tree into the house, it was gone. Someone stole my Christmas tree from my driveway in broad daylight. FML

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By please leave... - 13/2/2013 19:33 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I have problems going when other people are there, so I waited until everyone left. Two girls noticed I was taking a long time, and started giggling and throwing notes under the door asking if I was alive. This continued for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2009 02:35 - Brazil

Today, my long-distance boyfriend was at my house for a 10-day visit. He told me that we'd never spent so much time together, so he didn't know me well and now, he'd finally met the "real me". He doesn't like it. FML

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By dirtyhands - 18/2/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom busted in my room to ask if I'm okay because she thought the squeaking was my crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

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By Nope - 26/6/2015 21:46 - United States - Healdsburg

Today, I was at the market when a guy started telling the man I was with how "curly-haired women are an adventure," saying what he would do to a woman like me. He was talking to my father. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2013 19:21 - Germany - Neunkirchen

Today, I returned to Germany for a break from my studies abroad. I got lost while out for groceries, so I tried asking a guy for directions. I went totally blank and strained to think of the right words, prompting him to mutter about rude foreigners not bothering to learn the local language. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, my roommate of seven weeks decided to kick me out. He blames me for the stains on his expensive white leather couch, even after a prof cleaner determined it was red wine. I don't drink red wine. He does. FML

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By yosenfal - 28/4/2012 01:04 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML

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By x_o - 4/8/2013 20:51 - Hungary - ?ttev?ny

Today, it was my first day at my new job. I had to break up two fistfights, then leave work early with a black eye. This is not what I had in mind when I applied to work at a retirement home. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, a girl I've been crushing on for over a year finally gave me her number. I lost the note at home, but found it a few hours later. I excitedly called, only to find she'd written down the number for the local Pizza Hut. FML

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By Targeted - 9/11/2012 04:54 - United States - Kirkland

Today, just like every morning this month, I woke up, put on my clothes, looked out my window, and was pointed at by a man in a ninja outfit on my neighbor's roof. The police still can't find him. FML

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By Imrickar - 30/4/2011 05:06 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend why being with a girl while being with me is cheating. FML

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By donttouchmyhair - 19/3/2014 18:14 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

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By distracted - 16/9/2012 07:00 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I went out for lunch with a guy I hadn't seen in a couple of months. He seemed to be staring at my chest quite a bit, but I wasn't too bothered by it. Turns out there was still an XL sticker on my shirt. FML

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By housewiththinwalls - 10/10/2014 23:22 - Sweden

Today, after getting stressed out by my parents having a serious fight for hours, I'm now listening to their make-up sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night." She's right. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 05:17 - United States

Today, I was at work and a lady screamed at my manager for about 15 minutes, saying I needed to be fired because I couldn't get rid of all the flies buzzing around her food. She was the one who chose to eat on our patio. FML

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By Lucy - 21/7/2012 07:40 - United States - La Mesa

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been in love with for the past two years. Five minutes in, he passed out on top of me from a pain pill overdose and had a mini seizure. He finally woke up and groans, "Those bastards! They confiscated my clothes!" FML

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By alex - 24/2/2012 21:35 - United States

Today, I tried to make a rocket, using Diet Coke and Mentos. It worked pretty well, as both the kitchen window and my chipped tooth can testify. FML

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By screwed - 22/5/2009 00:18 - United States

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up with some chips in my bed. I thought it was funny so I went to tell my roommate. Her response was, "That's so funny! It's a typical night out for the two of us. I wake up the next morning with a boy in my bed and you wake up with food in yours." FML

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By Annomymous - 23/1/2015 18:12 - United States - Clarkston

Today, my asshat roommate tricked me into eating a weed brownie. I thought it was his terrible attempt at baking regular brownies until it kicked in at college. I was so high, I started giggling like a schoolgirl when my instructor said "Dickens". Now everyone thinks I'm a retard. FML

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By grossedout - 29/8/2013 16:26 - United States - Endicott

Today, I actually had to explain to my husband why his habit of wiping his boogers off into our baby's hair has to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, my cousin told me that the stop signs outlined with a white line were optional. Later, a cop pulled me over, when I asked why he said, "You ran that stop sign back there." I explained what my cousin had told me and he looked at me funny and replied, "All stop signs have a white outline." FML

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By pritch44 - 17/6/2010 16:12 - United States

Today, I found out that we have six skunks under my shed. While I was mowing the lawn, they all came out and sprayed me. FML

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By pissed girlfriend - 25/2/2013 03:08 - United States - Celina

Today, at my grandpa's funeral, my boyfriend texted me while sitting right beside me, asking if we could have sex when the "family get together" was finally over. FML

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By youknowyoureoptimisticwhen - 8/11/2015 16:45 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I went to McDonald's. I was unaware of the Monopoly contest that they were holding. I was also unaware that you have to get 3 stickers of the same colour to claim your prize, and that it's not that easy to win a Jeep Cherokee. Taking down my Facebook post was awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2015 03:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was about to orgasm while my boyfriend was giving me oral sex, I tightened my grip on his hair and began shouting his name. He stopped, looked up at me, and said, "What?" FML

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By What did I do wrong? - 4/9/2018 18:30 - United States - Manhattan

Today at university, I saw a girl on crutches struggling to make it up the stairs to the dining center. Feeling sympathetic, I politely offered to help her with her bags, and she declined. By declined, I mean she maced me. FML

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By levit - 8/6/2009 07:32 - United States

Today, I had to tell a girl I liked she couldn't sleep over because I live with my parents. I'm 24. FML

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By realnotimaginary - 15/12/2016 06:00

Today, my boss gave me a lecture accompanied with a formal warning because I failed to take notes during a client meeting. I was never at this client meeting, in fact, I had a call with another client at the same time. Regardless, he insists I was there and refuses to listen to reason. FML

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By NickDrakeFan - 29/10/2013 01:57 - United States

Today, I overcame my stage fright and got up in front of a café audience with my acoustic guitar to sing a few of my songs. Some asshat kept yelling stuff like "NEEDS MORE COWBELL!" and "FREEBIRD!", which made me lose my nerve and flee. FML

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By Sam - 24/6/2011 04:46 - Canada

Today, I was working the drive-thru at McDonalds, and as I handed out a Diet coke to the customer, the man started growling and yelled "HULK SMASH!" He smashed the cup with two fists and drove off. I was drenched in soda. FML

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By googoogaga - 13/3/2010 15:13 - United States

Today, I went to IHOP for breakfast. As we were leaving, I realized a little girl took my Hello Kitty hairclip. For the next 5 minutes, I fought with an 8 year-old for a hairclip. She won. FML

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By butterbody - 23/3/2014 23:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a coffee shop. As I headed over to stand in line, I tripped over my own feet. I got back up, then tripped up yet again. Everyone was staring, and I was so mortified that I went to leave. I then struggled with the door under their glares before realising it opened the other way. FML

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By hunnydoll - 18/8/2009 00:16 - United States

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I was frantically searching for my cell phone. He was curious as to what I was doing so I told him. There was long silence followed by laughter. He could hardly breathe as he told me, "Honey you're on your phone talking to me." FML

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Top comments

By uncbballwins | 0

#2389247 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:14

Threesome?

By josh5634 | 0

#2389281 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:17

this looks like a messy job. maybe you should go in and live with them so they dont get in a big fight. women always help between fights. just walk around naked. it'll be ok!

COMMENTS

By zombieekillah93 | 0

#2389242 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:14

dick

Reply

TeeHee124 | 0

#2389857 - Friday 22 April 2011 22:13

so you could say he (puts on sunglasses) BUMPED THE CHUMP? yeeeeeaaaahhhhh!!

Reply

Darkhatchling | 0

#2390182 - Saturday 23 April 2011 0:21

well, in case youre not into 3somes, make sure your ex doesn't tell your bf that you guys used to do the dirtaaaayy.
then you can alternate.
but 3some would be better!

Reply

kyarush | 10

#2390347 - Saturday 23 April 2011 1:18

DAMN

By uncbballwins | 0

#2389247 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:14

Threesome?

Reply

acidlithium | 0

#2389406 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:33

aaaahhh thats what i was thinking!!!! lol

Reply

boredbah | 0

#2389429 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:39

that's exactly what I thought when I first read this

Reply

froob | 0

#2389483 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:54

devils threesome =O?

Reply

sarah2686 | 0

#2389501 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:59

hahah first thing that came to my mind
p.s emilyheartskatie: you're cute!

Reply

morgan320 | 0

#2389573 - Friday 22 April 2011 20:30

When i first read this i was so sure it would say he chose his old crush as roommate or something, but then i read ex-boyfriend and changed my mind to threesome.

Reply

SdCounty33 | 0

#2389602 - Friday 22 April 2011 20:42

Yes. obvious thing to do here is to get the awkwardness out of the way with a threesome.

Reply

kingtz | 6

#2389608 - Friday 22 April 2011 20:44

Lol OP is about to get double teamed.

Reply

Anyoniemous | 0

#2389631 - Friday 22 April 2011 20:53

Am i the only person that wasn't thinking that?

Reply

briidontgive_ | 0

#2389682 - Friday 22 April 2011 21:06

No your not the only person, I wasn't thinking that either

Reply

jwallukwizard2 | 0

#2389761 - Friday 22 April 2011 21:33

win

Reply

SchiTzenGiglez | 0

#2389957 - Friday 22 April 2011 22:51

three way was the first thing that popped into my head

Reply

d0gl0ver16 | 0

#2390016 - Friday 22 April 2011 23:22

That was his plan the whole time. Thats why he did it :D

Reply

LifeOfPi | 0

#2390821 - Saturday 23 April 2011 4:46

not a bad idea if you have had sex with ex before.

Reply

dansco | 24

#2391118 - Saturday 23 April 2011 6:02

Well at least I'm not the only person to think it - threesome ;)

Reply

pandasarelove3 | 7

#2391203 - Saturday 23 April 2011 6:20

I totally was thinking threesome too...

Reply

mariazzz | 5

#2391349 - Saturday 23 April 2011 6:53

me too. could be fun! lol

Reply

joe_says_so | 0

#2391454 - Saturday 23 April 2011 7:34

Ooooooooo my god I was like totally thinking threesome when I read this what a frigging coincidence?!

Reply

rawribiteyew12 | 0

#2392354 - Saturday 23 April 2011 16:33

hahah this is soo funny I was thinking of threesome as well hahah(:

By mozeltov | 7

#2389258 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:15

whore.

By stardazed | 0

#2389263 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:16

lmfaooooo sucks.

By Doortje | 28

#2389267 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:16

Did he know he's your ex-boyfriend? Anyway, just stay at your place.

Reply

Reina1123 | 0

#2393991 - Saturday 23 April 2011 22:42

Who cares. An ex shouldn't stop you from staying with your boyfriend.

By vanillatwilight6 | 0

#2389269 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:16

that sucks really bad but thats still mad funny

By josh5634 | 0

#2389281 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:17

this looks like a messy job. maybe you should go in and live with them so they dont get in a big fight. women always help between fights. just walk around naked. it'll be ok!

Reply

silentxninja | 13

#6268455 - Tuesday 21 April 2015 0:17

Haha that's a grand idea!

By mintcar | 9

#2389285 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:18

I don't think he intentionally did it to fuck you over.
They probably get along very well, you're going to have to suck it up.
The situation, not him.

Reply

themanhw | 0

#2389307 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:20

lol @ suck it up comment

Reply

Kypopz | 9

#2389890 - Friday 22 April 2011 22:31

Zing.

By joooeee | 3

#2389303 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:19

Op just wanted a good roommate for her boyfriend so she could sleep with him. Well, it seems to have worked out well

Reply

sonilo | 1

#2390382 - Saturday 23 April 2011 1:40

that's exactly what I was thinking aha

By Miss_Michaela | 10

#2389316 - Friday 22 April 2011 19:20

I can assume he chose him as a room mate because they have a lot in common. Which must mean you know what you want in a man. ;)

Reply

Sniper_Fidelis | 1

#2389585 - Friday 22 April 2011 20:33

Get your fucking winky face out of here

Reply

Miss_Michaela | 10

#2389756 - Friday 22 April 2011 21:32

Winky face? I don't get it. So it's not much of an insult. :)

Reply

TeeHee124 | 0

#2389864 - Friday 22 April 2011 22:15

40, want some lotion for that BURN? ^^

Reply

Miss_Michaela | 10

#2390204 - Saturday 23 April 2011 0:31

I still don't get it!

Reply

lucas755 | 1

#2390318 - Saturday 23 April 2011 1:09

;) is a winky face. you used it.

Reply

heathersmorin | 0

#2390917 - Saturday 23 April 2011 5:18

Nope nope she used a smiley face. One of these :) Hes talking about your picture. Because your hair casts a shadow over your eye it makes it looks as if your eye my be winking. That's what I'm gathering!!! The world may never know....?

Reply

Miss_Michaela | 10

#2391758 - Saturday 23 April 2011 11:23

Oh, now I get it. I will just assume that some horrible tragedy happened to the poor guy, where a Winky face was involved.

Reply

caseylou | 12

#3135039 - Thursday 18 August 2011 19:37

No? It's because you used a winky face in your comment... Way to think way too into it morons.