Today, my boyfriend came over to see me after almost a month... - FML

By kvdfan - 27/8/2012 12:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to see me after almost a month of us not spending time together. Unfortunately, he came straight from bar-hopping with his friends and was wasted. He's currently naked in bed, cooing at his penis, and giggling like a little girl. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Live dumping

In my day…

By emselin - 18/9/2012 20:07 - Denmark - Niv

Today, someone brought cake to class. Trying to get some attention from the guy I have a crush on, I asked if he wanted my piece of cake. He accepted it, and then offered it to another girl. FML

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By karmaiguess - 18/10/2018 03:00

Today, I saw the guy I bullied during elementary school and tried to apologize to him. Instead, he took out a knife and stabbed me. I'm currently in the ER. FML

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By Kirby - 7/11/2011 04:50 - United States

Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot." Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2009 01:23 - Japan

Today, I had a horribly realistic dream where I was being robbed and had to swallow my wedding ring to save it. After waking up, I realized my wedding ring is in fact gone. The doctor assures me that I will have it back in a day or two. FML

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By Tori - 16/2/2011 07:40 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend's drink. All over my pants. FML

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By brokenrainbow. - 31/12/2010 13:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally discovered the reason my front room smelt funny. My dog, thinking the Christmas tree was real, has been peeing on it for the past two weeks. FML

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By Gemini gang - 27/7/2019 04:04

Today, my family surprised me for my birthday by showing up with a chocolate cake and my ex-boyfriend from back home. They all forgot I'm allergic to chocolate, that I broke up with him about a year ago, and that he’s been trying to win me back ever since. FML

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By Sparks - 13/3/2011 07:39 - United States

Today, after a few beers, I was exiting the bathroom of a loud house party when the door jammed. I had to climb out through the shower window. It was fool proof until my foot got stuck. I hung outside the house upside down in the dark yelling for an hour before someone figured out where I was. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2015 17:56 - United States - Camarillo

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, a riot broke out while I was on shift at the community swimming pool. A family snuck in soap so they could use the pool as a giant bath tub. FML

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By tman - 14/10/2010 08:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2015 08:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I had my daughter babysit her 2-year-old brother while I went out with my husband. I told her not to let him out of her sight. She certainly did as I said; when I tuned into our internet-enabled baby monitor, I heard her and some guy having sex in the room. FML

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By janae - 6/8/2018 23:30

Today, I discovered that I am pregnant. I questioned my boyfriend and he admitted to not using a condom because he thought we were just doing "practice sex". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I stopped by the gas station. As I was filling up I noticed a cute guy at the pump next to me. When I was done, I gave him a wink before opening my car door. It was locked. I had to call my Dad to bring my spare keys. The guy was laughing the whole time as I waited for my Dad to show up. FML

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By rejected4555 - 3/8/2012 12:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with him, and I responded that we could do another kind of workout upstairs. He quickly said he'd rather just go to the gym. FML

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By jina - 18/3/2009 03:48 - Korea Republic of

Today, the phone kept ringing but there was only silence on the other line. The third time I yelled, "What the fuck is your F*ing problem asshole!? Get a life shithead!" and hung up. Then the pastor's wife called and explained that she mistakingly set her phone on mute. FML

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By Yoir mom - 16/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Port Richey

Very bad idea

Today, I realized I was late for work, so I rushed out of bed only to accidentally step onto my dog which then promptly bit my leg and now I'm in the ER. FML

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By dBLIZZARD - 9/6/2015 18:39 - United States

Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML

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By regrettably well rested - 14/5/2017 16:00 - United States - Clearfield

Today, I set 3 alarms so I wouldn't miss an early morning event I was volunteering at. After I slept through the first one, my roommate turned the other two off without waking me up because they were annoying. I missed the event. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2016 16:05 - United States

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

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By EmbarrassedWife - 10/1/2019 04:00

Today, I texted my husband saying, “No sex tonight, it’s a bloodbath” and realized it was in a group chat with his parents, not directly to him like I'd intended. FML

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By nickthetank - 31/12/2011 09:21 - Canada

Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2018 03:30

Today, I found out my fiancé can't wear his ring at his parents house cause his mom and dad don’t want him to marry me, and it has nothing to do with me. They don’t like my parents so I’m not good enough for their son. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - 18/9/2017 05:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By L_lives - 30/5/2015 05:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized out how sad my love life is when I got excited that the number a girl gave me turned out to really be hers. FML

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By LTJFP - 26/10/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I was at ATandT getting my phone fixed. At one point, the salesman said 'you should see this'. It was a text message from some girl apologizing for sleeping with my boyfriend for the past four months, and telling me that they were moving him out of our apartment. FML

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By Marc - 6/2/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, while I was standing in line at the store, some guy insulted the girl in front of me as he walked past. She turned around and socked me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2012 19:26 - United States - Rapid City

Today, I drove for hours to attend a martial arts tournament, and then I waited ages for it to finally start. I lost in less than a minute. FML

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By Punphmelch - 26/3/2014 08:45 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, no matter how many toys and teddies she has, and no matter how much I punish her, I am most likely never going to be able to break my 10-week-old puppy's habit of stealing my underwear. She doesn't eat them or even chew on them. She steals them to sleep with. FML

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By Boredstoner420 - 14/3/2020 21:00

You give me fever

Today, I got way too bored and stoned, so I created a Tinder profile named "Covid" with a picture of the Coronavirus and a funny description. I'd never had so many matches. FML

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By parentof5 - 23/4/2011 15:20 - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2017 22:00

Today, a large number of people at my office don't realize that if the door to a stall is locked, it's occupied. While I can somewhat deal with people needlessly asking if it's occupied, what I can't deal with is someone looking over the stall to check. FML

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By bear food - 8/1/2014 04:37 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my friends and I went camping in the woods. I fell asleep first. Waking up hours later to them bunched up together in the middle of the tent and me half-way outside, I confronted them about it. They admitted, "We heard a bear so we needed a sacrifice." FML

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By random123 - 29/11/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend was kind enough to give me prescription strength deodorant. FML

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By anonymous - 8/3/2010 15:12 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law grounded me because I went to the store in the "dangerous" rain. My husband says that if I don't obey then we won't work out. FML

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By weldingmachine217 - 16/11/2015 21:47 - United States - Blanchard

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

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By Big Baby - 28/1/2017 00:00

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2013 08:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I laugh at how you think this is a date." FML

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By hot_shot - 29/11/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because we watched a movie that Taylor Lautner was in, she claims they made special eye contact and they are destined to be together. FML

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By okseñoryoucrazy - 2/2/2015 00:43 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I found out that my 2-year-old brother is afraid of his own penis. Whenever he doesn't have a diaper on, he screams, cries and yells, "Ew". FML

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Top comments

By thawny_fml | 21

#4866109 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:12

That is screaming YouTube

By DocBastard | 38

#4866173 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:22

Boyfriend: Aw. Wook at you! Wook at the widdle pee pee! Isn't it cute!
OP: No. But it IS little.

COMMENTS

By thawny_fml | 21

#4866109 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:12

That is screaming YouTube

Reply

_Oblivion_ | 12

#4866303 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:53

Why don't you seem surprised haha.

Reply

ShannyAK | 16

#4866375 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:17

Its going to go viral!

Reply

Chill_Turtle95 | 3

#4866584 - Monday 27 August 2012 18:13

This is going to my favorites.

Reply

305Miami | 0

#4866676 - Monday 27 August 2012 18:49

Make sure to make an Adsense account to make a little money if it does go viral :)

Reply

iFizzgig | 11

#4866904 - Monday 27 August 2012 19:54

I honestly thought it was moaning youporn

Reply

drunkandfml | 11

#5223091 - Friday 7 December 2012 13:18

YOUTUBE!!!! YOUTUBE!!! Nope, it's just me, guys.

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#4866111 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:13

Awh, how cute.

Reply

thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#4866196 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:28

Long time, no see! Welcome back :-)

Reply

Aug1508 | 9

#4866274 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:47

He wants to role play!!! Lol, he wants to be the girl this time.

By tpike1296 | 11

#4866116 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:13

I coo at my penis. Isn't that normal?

Reply

cameronman9 | 2

#4866121 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:14

I don't think so

Reply

WhyAmUHere | 19

#4866131 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:15

Don't listen to him. It's perfectly normal.

Reply

lopsop | 12

#4866258 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:42

Mine coos back some times. I'm not crazy am I?

Reply

perdix | 29

#4866305 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:53

No, that's fucked up.

Singing bawdy songs of ribaldry to your penis while slapping it to the beat is perfectly normal.

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#4866430 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:30

I thought you were supposed to whistle Dixie, not sing. But, I'm a lousy singer anyhow.

Reply

njgohard | 16

#4866977 - Monday 27 August 2012 20:29

Personally I prefer "Sweet Home Alabama", but to each his own, I guess.

Reply

Goldenchest | 14

#4867851 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 2:51

3 - Can Pegasi even see down there?

Reply

tpike1296 | 11

#4867877 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 2:56

131: we Pegasi are very flexible.

By jwolfe50 | 5

#4866123 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:15

You sure know how to pick them OP

By cameronman9 | 2

#4866124 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:15

What does op mean!!!!!!!??????!!!!!!!???????

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#4866135 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:16

Over-punctuating?!?!?!?!?!

Reply

nniikkaayy | 4

#4866140 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:17

original poster.

Reply

MURIKKA | 11

#4866143 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:17

Opaque parrot

Reply

77777771 | 12

#4866150 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:18

Octopus penis.

Reply

tpike1296 | 11

#4866153 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:18

Otherworldly penis.

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#4866155 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:19

Octopus penis.

#13 edited their comment after I posted. I did not copy them.

Reply

emeraldisle | 30

#4866187 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:25

Orange peel

Reply

rahrah765765 | 11

#4866245 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:39

Oh pee.

Reply

christopherryan | 0

#4866293 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

_Oblivion_ | 12

#4866309 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:56

Old Penis

Reply

stephan18 | 23

#4866313 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:58

Why does he look like an ass you fucking idiot? He wanted to know what it meant, someone has to ask! I bet quite a few FMLers learned what OP meant because he asked. Some people are patient and some ask, the patient ones learn because of people who ask.

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#4866329 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:04

Christopherryan - He looks like a noob, that's all.

You, however, look like an ass.

Reply

ManInTheMachine | 19

#4866345 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:07

stephan18-

Yes, and the intelligent ones have the common sense to use the most popular search engine of the 21st century.

Reply

neilykins | 28

#4866349 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:08

I didn't know either, then I googled it...

Reply

MissMae93 | 23

#4866540 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:53

Obnoxious poster - kind of like you with all those unnecessary exclamation points and question marks.

Reply

mikeymayhem_87 | 15

#4866558 - Monday 27 August 2012 18:01

Ovarian puncher?

No? Okay.....

Reply

khaosblade91 | 6

#4866579 - Monday 27 August 2012 18:10

Fyl

Reply

Chill_Turtle95 | 3

#4866593 - Monday 27 August 2012 18:17

I don't know what it stands for either, but from context clues I'm assuming it's used when referring to person who wrote the FML above.

Reply

Gregory607 | 1

#4867155 - Monday 27 August 2012 22:04

And that is why Doc is my favorite

Reply

Eiregal2 | 10

#4867334 - Monday 27 August 2012 23:48

Welcome to the FML hate party darling!

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4867402 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 0:28

It's an abbreviation for Stfu.

Reply

klx125cross | 9

#4867695 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 2:14

Just google it.... Dumb ass

Reply

jellycorn | 13

#4868312 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 8:13

Optimus Prime

By MURIKKA | 11

#4866126 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:15

At least he didn't do that at the bar....

By swankmrpancake | 8

#4866132 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:16

Maybe that's his drunk mating call.

By DocBastard | 38

#4866173 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:22

Boyfriend: Aw. Wook at you! Wook at the widdle pee pee! Isn't it cute!
OP: No. But it IS little.

Reply

folfg0 | 12

#4867019 - Monday 27 August 2012 20:49

You make FMLs worth reading doc bastard.

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4867034 - Monday 27 August 2012 20:52

Op's Bf: Awww, I bet you can't even stand up for me!
No you can't! No you can't!

Op: Unfortunately, you're right.

Reply

mick3y2013 | 2

#4868234 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 6:41

Lol

By RedPillSucks | 31

#4866175 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:23

Cooing at his penis?
Was he fucking pigeons at the bar?

Reply

andiewithlove | 21

#4866667 - Monday 27 August 2012 18:47

Cooing doesn't always mean a literal "coo" sound. It can also be murmuring fondly to something, like when people marvel at babies.

By emeraldisle | 30

#4866179 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:23

Sounds like he's having a blast by himself.