Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him by handing me a ring... - FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him by handing me a ring and telling me, "Okay we're engaged now." I should have seen it coming when we started dating, I went to his house one night and as I was leaving he said, "Okay you're my girlfriend now." FML

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Proactive

Goodbye Bill

Long story short

By Gaylord - 28/4/2016 02:17 - United States - Aspers

Today, I realized that my somewhat flamboyant behavior may have given people the wrong impression when my classmate tried to set me up with one of her male friends. I've been trying to work up the courage to ask her out all semester. FML

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By StillFriendless - 25/11/2016 15:20

Today, I was so desperate for a friend that I posted a Craigslist ad to find one. Now my phone's filled with spam and I still don't have any friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2009 09:04 - Australia

Today, as a respected artist I was running a workshop with a bunch of rowdy college kids. I was in the middle of demonstrating a painting technique when I accidentally washed my paintbrush in my coffee instead of my paint water. They waited until I then drank from it to burst out in hysterics. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2014 17:51 - United States

Today, I was hiking down a steep hill, and I slipped. I instinctively grabbed the nearest object to me: a very prickly cactus. FML

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By frenchpop1960 - 23/2/2009 21:58 - United States

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2011 10:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I turned in an overdue English assignment at college. My instructor accused me of plagiarism, writing that my sentence structure was "TO" good. Seriously? FML

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By Tomato - 11/8/2017 14:30

Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where there are tons of black lights. Under the glow, I realized in horror that an old semen stain could be seen on my shorts. Praying no one saw, or realized what it was. FML

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By StarDust5921 - 4/10/2016 01:55 - United States - Utica

Today, while working at a bank, I helped a customer who was making a large withdrawal. After I counted out his money, I asked "Do you want the strap on?" After a moment of awkward silence, as I realized how that came out, he smiled and said, "No thanks, I don't need one." and winked. Great. FML

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By buttfingers - 26/12/2015 17:37 - United States - Houston

Today, I accidentally edged over the speed limit and got pulled over. The officer asked me if I knew why he'd pulled me over. Before I could say something diplomatic, my dad said from the passenger seat: "Because you're a prick in fancy dress?" I got ticketed. FML

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By anonymous - 20/3/2013 05:42 - United States

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I started singing and harmonizing with the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By BearGrillz - 17/8/2009 23:40 - United States

Today, there were some wasps getting in my bedroom from a hole in the frame of my window. I went outside with some spray and took out their entrance. What I didnt know is that when you spray wasps, they go the other direction. I now have 60+ wasps flying around my bedroom. FML

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By sdeeter - 29/4/2013 13:39 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the local donut shop. It turns out I misunderstood the position, and that the job was actually to wear a donut costume and wave at cars outside the shop. I was told this after I got hired. FML

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By Alex Xavier - 25/6/2018 01:30

False Advertising

Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2013 22:29 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband and I, for a laugh, did our first dance to LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" with stupid moves and everything. 200 guests. Nobody laughed. FML

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By treehugger - 20/3/2012 09:47 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, since I was grounded, I tried to sneak out of my room to attend a party by climbing out the second-storey window and down the tree. I was unharmed, but I probably should have checked to see if my dad was in the garden before climbing down. FML

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By annoying - 10/1/2012 01:30 - United States

Today, I bought a key finder that responds to loud, high-pitched, annoying tones. It beeps every time I talk. FML

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By shaving kit - 31/12/2013 10:17

Today, my workplace was having a raffle and was giving away a Venus shaving kit. A co-worker won, but instead of keeping it, she walked over and handed the basket to me in front of everyone, said "You need it more" and walked away. FML

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By 1234 - 22/6/2015 11:26 - United States - Lutz

Today, when I turned on the TV, there was a picture of a wanted murderer. The picture looked just like my boyfriend. FML

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By Nish - 30/10/2013 00:41 - United States - Kent

Today, I got my cats a new scratching post. They completely ignored it and tore apart the new felt on my pool table. FML

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By gross - 15/7/2016 03:06 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, after giving a potential employee a drug test and instructing her to leave her urine sample in the bathroom, she not only brought it into the office, she spilled it on the front desk. FML

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By 181999 - 14/9/2013 20:47 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment for the first time, only to see another girl walking out. I accused her of cheating with him and we got into a fight. Turns out I was at the wrong apartment. He lives next door. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 02:00

Deal or no Deal

Today, my boyfriend's farts got so bad that we made a deal: every day that he doesn't fart, he gets a blowjob. Suddenly, he's not letting gas out anymore. FML

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By PJ - 5/1/2010 14:06 - United States

Today, I planted a bit of a condom wrapper in my bed so my housekeeper would think I have a love life. FML

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By Doglover - 13/10/2011 15:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to climb up and sit in a tree for half an hour to avoid being mauled by a huge, insane dog. Its weird-looking owner eventually turned up, sneered at me, and walked off with the visibly smug dog in tow. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2014 03:17 - United States

Today, I was talking dirty with my husband over the phone while he was out of town. I started to verbally act out his fantasy and got quite into it. I was returned with silence. Embarrassed, I tried to hang up. Turns out the call had already been dropped, five minutes prior. FML

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By bruh_im18 - 17/9/2016 16:18 - United States - Metairie

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 10:47 - United States

Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML

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By Embarrassed - 11/2/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, I was in the car with a group of my girl friends discussing sexual experiences when I looked down and realized my Blackberry had dialed the family I babysit for and had left a five minute voicemail. FML

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By Urinal Fresh - 2/3/2012 10:19 - Australia

Today, I vacuumed my car as I'm trying to sell it. After the interior was clean, I sprayed some air freshener. The chosen smell was "new car". I think they mislabeled it, as my car now smells like urinal cakes. I have two potential buyers coming tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2018 15:00

Today, I came out as transgender to my extremely accepting and religious family over Facebook. My feed is currently flooded with plans for my exorcism. FML

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By Backstabber<3 - 6/3/2018 19:00

Today, as I was about to finally tell my boyfriend of nearly a year that I love him, he revealed that he cheated on me, his side chick is pregnant, and he has the clap. FML

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By collegestudent - 1/6/2019 12:00

Today, I was reading the seventh Harry Potter book at an airport. A woman asked me what I was reading, so I told her. She said, "Oh, so you have children?" Since I'm in my early twenties, I was taken aback and said no. She replied slower and louder, "Oh, so you have a childlike mind?" FML

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By lastinclass - 13/7/2016 21:28 - Canada - Vancouver

Today at camp, we were choosing teams for capture the flag. It's embarrassing to be chosen last, but today I learnt it's even more embarrassing to not be chosen at all. FML

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By monsterinlaw - 23/8/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, my obnoxious mother-in-law berated me in front of my husband's family for still working while pregnant. She says I'm harming the baby by not quitting. I'm only 4 months pregnant and I work as a nurse at a hospital. FML

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By Earthboundb - 23/3/2009 06:51 - United States

Today, I just got back from a Civil War Reenactment in Virginia, my first big event in years. I spent over $200 on gas and food, and had to drive for over 10 hours both ways from Massachusetts. When I finally got there I realized, I had left my uniform at home. FML

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By bambam - 12/5/2014 16:01 - United States - League City

Today, me and the guy I was dating ran into my sister at the mall. He took one look at her and mumbled, "Great, I chose the ugly one" under his breath. FML

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By shorty - 11/4/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML

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By er1133 - 11/3/2010 12:04 - Canada

Today, I walk out of my apartment to find that my car is decorated with explicit drawings and "Happy 21st birthday" stuff written all over it. To top it off, my vehicle is completely wrapped in plastic wrap. I'm 22 and my birthday is in December. FML

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By sexxibxmami - 19/2/2010 18:24 - United States

Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes after she started, I told her it was burning. She told me to suck it up because it doesn't hurt that badly. I now have scabs all over my scalp, hairline, and nape. FML

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By anonymous - 18/2/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I realized that with all the money I've spent on repairs for my iPhone through the months, I could have bought a phone that doesn't die horribly whenever I so much as give it a mean look. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#580133 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:07

Okay, you're divorced now.

Okay, you're paying alimony now.

Okay, you're a cougar now.

Okay, you're dead now.

Okay, you're a zombie now.

By dyingstart | 0

#580140 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:09

At the altar, he's probably gonna say "okay, we're married now" rather than "I do"

Comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#580133 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:07

Okay, you're divorced now.

Okay, you're paying alimony now.

Okay, you're a cougar now.

Okay, you're dead now.

Okay, you're a zombie now.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#580148 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:13

LMFAO!

I think I love you, Twinny. ♥

Reminds me of the whole, you know, K-I-S-S-I-N-G song.
Only more realistic.
Besides the zombies.

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#580150 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:14

♥

Reply

haleystarship | 0

#580187 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:30

WOW i really laughed at that

Reply

LOLYLIF | 0

#580192 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:32

Pretty accurate predictions you've got there.

Reply

Jotham | 0

#580213 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:46

You made my day. ^0^

I love how this guy does his thing

Reply

the_walrus | 0

#580266 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 13:55

I want to meet this guy and shake his hand, legend

Reply

realggirl | 0

#580344 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 15:16

I know, I do too! Personally I think it's hilarious. Can you even imagine?

Reply

kukopia | 0

#580442 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 16:31

You forgot making sandwiches and bringing him beer.

Reply

FuckObama | 3

#770515 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 20:02

What's not realistic about the zombies? lol

Reply

BlueJeans2626 | 0

#803140 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 23:43

lmfao

Reply

lukiemon | 2

#841786 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 19:22

hahaha awesome dude!

Reply

focusf111 | 0

#846027 - Thursday 11 February 2010 23:42

exactly what i was thinking haha

Reply

tokintot07 | 0

#887559 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 4:51

haha this is funny. it's not a good FML tho.

Reply

danikin | 0

#1455347 - Saturday 25 September 2010 3:39

win.

Reply

KTMnutJOB | 0

#1588935 - Saturday 23 October 2010 8:04

what the he'll is in your hand... if it's alive u should kill it and eat it.

Reply

Naveh | 0

#1997923 - Sunday 23 January 2011 2:15

O: Are you secretly Ned Flanders, 167?

Reply

fallenangel72 | 7

#5163033 - Monday 19 November 2012 6:58

#1 lmao!!! That's cute

Reply

OBTrice | 15

#5912668 - Saturday 12 April 2014 22:02

Okay you're on The Walking Dead now

Reply

PlasmaPorter | 12

#6005146 - Friday 11 July 2014 20:39

he's like Castiel from Supernatural!

By tingting1 | 0

#580134 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:07

how romantic :)

Reply

cerulean_rules | 2

#1829028 - Saturday 11 December 2010 16:34

Hahahaha

By moonlight_daze | 8

#580139 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:09

How long have you been dating him? You should've already know he wasn't romantic enough for your standards. YDI

By dyingstart | 0

#580140 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:09

At the altar, he's probably gonna say "okay, we're married now" rather than "I do"

Reply

DrunkenValor | 0

#580478 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 16:52

See what happens when people stop being polite, and start being reeeal.

By Amysbodybetrayal | 0

#580141 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:10

Okay, you're single now.

Reply

iwadasn | 32

#580230 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:58

I really hope so.

Reply

123sploosh | 0

#580400 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 16:07

noo thats stupid, dont dump him

Reply

eean | 0

#580635 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 19:48

He sounds like a control freak. GTFO ASAP.

Reply

Juli_fml | 0

#581114 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 0:43

^^^^^^agreed

By Julianneisasmurf | 0

#580151 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:14

Hahaha that's kind of cute. I mean it may suck now but think about how fun it will be to tell your kids and grandkids how he "asked" xD

Reply

BritishHobo | 0

#580593 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 19:01

Okay, we're having kids now.

Reply

dannnngthatsux | 19

#6515671 - Wednesday 20 January 2016 20:29

Pulls out. 'There. You're pregnant now.'

By fmyduck | 0

#580154 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:15

lol. one of the few FML's I've read thats actually a cute story :)

By paprikacha | 9

#580155 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:17

Hey, you didn't say no, OP. :P

By zee209 | 0

#580161 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:19

He seems...controlling.

Reply

juventis | 16

#2873196 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 8:39

I totally agree with you

By Synnie | 0

#580164 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:20

Okay, you're fucked now.

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#580165 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:21

Is that what he says in bed, or what he says after the condom breaks?

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#580169 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:22

"Okay, you're plump with my seed now!"

Reply

Synnie | 0

#580173 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:24

Okay, we're in wedlock now.

Too bad for everyone who said don't marry him.

Reply

AndelleRae | 9

#580176 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:26

Lmfao. redbluegreen, it's times like these I wish I could give more than one thumbs up.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#580180 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:28

Actually, you can. (-;

But thank you!

Reply

Synnie | 0

#580184 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 12:29

*TUTS*
Share the +1's with us, greedy. |C
Your name reminds me I've got Art class today.
/waves flag of submission