Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual... - FML

By uglyallover - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body." FML

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By jester777 - United States

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, at the ripe old age of 23, I now no longer have no control over my farts when I cough. My many young students find this hilarious. FML

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By adventurousnightsbutnotinagoodway - Netherlands - Leiden

Today, it was safe to say I started sleepwalking again, after I woke up with a mouth filled with soil and a ravaged plant. FML

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By GeoKid - Canada

Today, after six months of writing a 40 page paper criticizing a famous method, I found out the professor who conceived it has transferred to my favorite college to head the department I'm applying to study in. They require I submit the paper with my application. FML

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By lonelyhubby - United States

Today, I found out that my wife had been debating leaving me for an old boyfriend from high school. They rekindled their relationship on Facebook, and talking on the cell phone. Both things I insisted she have. FML

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By anonymous - Norway

Today, I saw my crush walking on the other side of the street. She hadn't noticed me, so when she did I nonchalantly looked over and casually waved to look cool. I then walked right into a lamp post. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while arguing with my boyfriend about how I wasn't a bad driver and could parallel park, I decided it was easier to just let him do it. Unfortunately, while getting out of the car to switch seats, I forgot to take the car out of drive and it ran into the car in front of us. He was right. FML

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By Blueberry - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was showering at my dorm. I had my clothes locked in a locker and my towel and robe hanging outside the stall. Someone took off with my towel and robe, which had my keys. I had to walk down three flights of stairs to get an extra key in nothing but a plastic shower curtain. FML

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By Less - Reserved

Today, I decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight. Pretty soon I couldn't move my shoulders at all. I had to go to the chiropractor. It turns out that in trying to improve my posture, I misaligned my spine instead. FML

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By JoanT - 20/10/2020 11:08

Hangry

Today, while petting one of the goats we have, the other one was jealous so it ripped out a chunk of my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she found some lesbian porn on my computer. Her reasoning? That I must secretly be gay. FML

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By visn - United States

Today, a real estate agent showed my house to some buyers. I found out when I exited the shower, fully nude, to them in the hallway. FML

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By Mattyboy - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house. When things started heating up, I heard the front door open and my girlfriend said that it must be her Dad. She handed me my clothes, pushed me out the window, and told me to knock at the front door. Her Dad answered, holding my shoes. FML

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By DrySpellcaster - 7/10/2020 16:57

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, it’s been so long since I’ve had sex, even my wet dreams are about doing it solo. FML

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By seagull hater - United States - San Diego

Today, I left my sunroof on my truck open for 5 minutes while I ran into the bank. When I came out a seagull had gotten into my truck. I managed to open the doors and get it out but not before it tore up a seat and pooped everywhere inside my truck. FML

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By nothappywithlife - United States

Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML

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By xoVioLoveox - United States

Today, I was babysitting an eleven year old boy. He decided we should play with nerf guns with velcro tips. I shot him in the crotch accidentally, and the dart stuck on his pants wiggling for about a full minute before his dad walked in to find us both staring at his son's crotch, giggling. FML

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By yuckspider - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on the floor but had nothing to kill it with and it hid somewhere. So, I got dressed and went out and come home for a shower, and as I'm taking off my undies, something crushed and black fell out. It was the spider and he had been in my underwear the entire day. FML

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By Stephanie - United States

Another fine mess

Today, I bought my wedding dress and sat it on the bed while I went to buy matching shoes. When I came home, I saw my soon to be husband on the bed sitting next to my wedding dress. Turns out he spilt Coca-Cola on the dress and was trying to get it out with carpet cleanser. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room and set my burnt out light bulb on my computer chair without any second thought. Later, I sat on the chair, the light bulb shattered and I got a huge gash on my butt. FML

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By Anonymousse - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my roommate came home after a night of heavy drinking and started urinating on my bed. When I confronted him, he just slurred, "Sorry, thought it was my bed." FML

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By Isabell - Australia

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

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By unexpected_failure - United Kingdom

Today, I was showing my Mom how to use the Internet on her phone. As there was bad reception, it said "Unexpected Failure." Seeing it, she muttered under her breath, "Just like you, then..." FML

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By Aspireworks - United States

Today, my fiancé's mother came up to me and told me she loves that I stuck with my soon-to-be husband despite his history and condition. I have no idea what she's talking about, and she refuses to tell me. FML

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By oliveoyl - United States

Today, my husband, who is in the Navy, had a couple of his sailor friends over to hang out. The stereotype about their swearing is true. My two year old now won't stop saying "Fuck." FML

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By MollyMoodle7 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend bought me Kings of Leon tickets for my birthday. Since he thought I was irresponsible, he gave the tickets to his mum so I wouldn't lose them. The show is today, and we can't find the tickets. FML

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By - 28/12/2020 19:02 - United Kingdom - London

Golden child

Today, my mum went and told everyone she only went to the doctor after being ill because my brother told her to. It was me who'd been telling her for weeks to go. FML

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By sampaloompy - United States

Today, I enjoy reading this site and other people's suffering just to feel better about my own life. FML

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By Authentik8 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that one of my university flatmates arrived early for Freshers Week, and had a party which involved the place being trashed. I'm going to lose some of my deposit for damage caused before I even arrived. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally had sex with my live-in boyfriend after a long dry spell. It was passionate and great, until I hurt my back changing positions. Now he refuses to touch me, going as far as sleeping on the couch to give me "enough space". Hello new dry spell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while and realized that I can lift way more with my left hand than with my right even though I am right handed. I also realized that I jack off with my left hand. FML

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By Sarah - United States

Today, my mom barged into my room at three in the morning, demanding to know where I'd been. I'd been in my room sleeping since ten o'clock. In that time she had called the police, all of my friends, and my ex-boyfriend, asking if I was with them. FML

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By Magicfml - United States - Toledo

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is a better pole dancer than I am, despite daily practice. This was his first time trying it. FML

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By HillaryAngelic - United States - Flint

Today, after a church service, a man approached me as I was walking to my car. He had tears in his eyes and politely asked if I would pray with him. He asked if we could hold hands. As I reached out to hold his hands, the bitch snatched my purse and ran. FML

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By vistingherfamily - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's family. Her mother wants us to stay in separate bedrooms, and I was happy to oblige since I'm staying at their house. But because there isn't an extra room, we have to stay together. Upon entering the house, her mom searched our bags for condoms and birth-control pills. FML

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By married - United States

Today, my sister and I were both on Facebook, updating our statuses. I set mine to "just got released from hospital with Baby Lily", as I'd had a baby earlier this week. My sister set hers to "menstrual blood smells like shrimp". Her status got 37 likes. Mine got none. FML

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By Anonymouss - United States

Today, I was informed, after being broken up with, that my girlfriend's father only set her up with me so that she would have more motivation to shower on a regular basis. He actually yelled at me for being broken up with. FML

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By Bella - United States - Sanford

Today, my boyfriend yet again decided to act like Edward Cullen from Twilight, and got his friend to act like Jacob. Every time they're around, my boyfriend always looks stoned and constipated, and his friend is shirtless. I feel like I'm in a shitty romance movie. FML

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By no tea parties here, gran - United States

Today, my racist, homophobic, generally degenerate grandmother visited. Within 20 minutes, she uttered multiple racial slurs, said Robert Downey Jr. will burn in hell for playing a black man in one of his movies, and yelled that she'd "whip the piss" out of me, after I asked her to leave. FML

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By regrettably well rested - United States - Clearfield

Today, I set 3 alarms so I wouldn't miss an early morning event I was volunteering at. After I slept through the first one, my roommate turned the other two off without waking me up because they were annoying. I missed the event. FML

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Top comments

By LewJH | 0

#576702 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:01

I bet he's joking ¬¬

Most FMLs are people who couldn't take a joke.

By JessxMaxine | 0

#576713 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:05

i hope he was joking. but still pimp slap him. :)

COMMENTS

By 4440123 | 0

#576649 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:47

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Gia0896 | 0

#577199 - Monday 21 September 2009 0:57

Dam..sucks for you..But really funny...

Reply

ckin2urass | 0

#1339307 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:54

ouch

Reply

lilwaynerockz_fml | 12

#2767188 - Monday 27 June 2011 4:49

it really does suck to be first. lol. because then when you act like a fucking dumbass and say "first" you get negative ratings.

By Swoken | 0

#576662 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:50

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

scarletchamber | 0

#4219440 - Monday 26 March 2012 22:43

shutup lol

By 4440123 | 0

#576664 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:50

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By maryoceanblue | 0

#576671 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:52

that sucks real bad! for that he can go jack off ughh guys

By Nacirema20 | 0

#576680 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:54

What a mean bastard. >:-l

By LewJH | 0

#576702 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:01

I bet he's joking ¬¬

Most FMLs are people who couldn't take a joke.

By Rota | 0

#576711 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:04

Well he knows what he wants, just a nice warm hole.

Reply

darebear331 | 4

#2910970 - Sunday 17 July 2011 5:11

i call that one tge bag and tag. ;)

Reply

darebear331 | 4

#2911008 - Sunday 17 July 2011 5:16

the*

By JessxMaxine | 0

#576713 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:05

i hope he was joking. but still pimp slap him. :)

By DASny97 | 1

#576735 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:17

Maybe he is in the closet

By Signposthead | 0

#576765 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:30

Just tell him he just needs to stare into the sun befoee sex