Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual... - FML

By uglyallover - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body." FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

Thanks for the miracle

Modernity

By kayt240 - Canada

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

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By FoxyManicLiar - France

Today, I got a bad cut on my dominant hand while at work. My boss decided to order me to juice lemons... all 300 of them. FML

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By Invisible - Canada

Today, I realized that the only time I've ever been noticed by my classmates is when I brought cake for the potluck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into my elderly grandmother's trailer, used the bathroom and went to wash my hands. She had a soft spot in the floor that she covered with a bathmat. I fell through. Right leg up to my hip in the floor, boobs stuck on the counter. My husband and grandmother stood there laughing. FML

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By nolips - Norway

Today, my girlfriend woke up very early in terrible pain. I drove her to the hospital and fell asleep in the waiting area. When I woke up, my car was gone and it was 9am. She had assumed I just walked home (32 miles), so she took the car. I was the only one in the waiting area. FML

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By - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend told me what turns her on: cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother came into my room and had a thirty minute long conversation with me. She kept looking very nervous and uncomfortable. Only after she left did I realize that a porn site was open on my computer screen. The entire time. FML

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By bob - United States

Today, my grandmother refused to wear clothes. FML

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By BFFN - United Kingdom - Glasgow

BFF

Today, my best friend told me she no longer wants an "active friendship" with me. She says she doesn't have time to see me, since she has a boyfriend and a bunch of friends she's spent years bitching to me about. We've gone from a 14-year friendship to awkwardly nodding at each other in the street. FML

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By Cindell Hanson - 2/3/2020 05:00

Kids these days…

Today, a student told me to fuck off. I work with 3 year-olds. FML

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By ppp - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a gift. A half-used bottle of body lotion that belonged to his dead wife. FML

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By newdriver - United States

Today, my mom told me to follow her car closely to my aunt's house. I kept really close to her which caused me to get pulled over for tailgating. I explained everything to the cop so he went over to my mom to see if that was the truth. My mom said she didn't know me. I got a ticket. Thanks mom. FML

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By "lk07" - United States - Midlothian

Today, after selling things on eBay all week to afford a nice weekend with my husband and kids, my car died. Now we have to spend the money on a battery. FML

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By Gloria Lovestar

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

Today, my husband explained that talking to me makes him miserable. FML

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By Jessica - United States - Brighton

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. He stared at me, then said "Yeah, okay then. I'm gonna watch TV now." He then turned on the TV and watched Top Gun. Not quite the response I was hoping for. FML

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By Jeanine - United States

Today, I returned to my apartment to find everything reduced to ashes, hidden in black clouds of smoke. Turns out there was a blackout, and my fiancé lit a candle on top of a stack of all our wedding papers. When he smelled the smoke, he got hungry for a taco and left instead of calling 911. FML

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By dk_2k16 - United States - Hattiesburg

Today, I went to take my permit test. I had been studying for months and was familiar with the whole book. When I sat down to take my test, I didn't recognize any of the questions. I went home and found out the book I used to study was the book my mom used to take her test in 1970. FML

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By Stigmamma - 15/8/2020 20:02

Fragile

Today, my husband said he felt "dizzy from blood loss" after his nose started "pissing blood." After I said the tiny drop of blood from his split second nose bleed wouldn't cause dizziness, he got mad at me for "attacking his masculinity." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while looking through the camera my boyfriend got me, I found a video of a girl giving him head. After screaming at him about it and breaking up with him, I realized the girl was a drunken me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, two people came up to me at school, asking if I'd sell them some of my Adderall. I only just transferred here and have never mentioned my ADHD or the Adderall I take for it to anyone. FML

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By man - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML

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By babbling idiot - Canada

Today, I approached a hot female security guard and attempted to compliment her new tattoos. Instead of saying, "Nice tats", I ended up saying, "Nice tits". My HR meeting is tomorrow morning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the dog park, I suddenly had to use the bathroom really badly. Since there weren't any facilities nearby, I decided to go behind a tree and relieve myself there. While doing this, two other owners, one that's in my math class, noticed me, regardless of me hiding. She definitely saw everything. School will be fun tomorrow. FML

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By Darth Binks - Canada

Today, I came back from vacation to find a packet on the company's stress management programs on my desk. I was sent the same packet over my vacation. I got the same packet from my boss as I left. All because I snapped at a co-worker who was throwing a tantrum over the Star Wars trailer. FML

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By Grrrr! - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to hunt Easter eggs before we have sex. I'm glad he has his priorities straight. FML

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By sucked_in - Australia - Perth

Today, whilst vacuuming, I stupidly decided to vacuum the bathroom drain to see what would happen. Turns out it will cause stinking septic water to get sucked into the machine and spew all over the walls, ceiling and vanity. It also causes the vacuum cleaner to stop working. FML

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By 3somer

Ménage à nope

Today, I received a text from the woman with whom my boyfriend and I recently had a threesome. After years of fantasizing, I finally experienced what it was like to be with another girl. Now we also get to experience what it's like to have gonorrhea. FML

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By awkword - United States - Mckeesport

Today, I was dressing in front of my boyfriend. He was looking at me in wonder and I assumed this was a good thing. Then he muttered, "God damn, you're awkwardly shaped." FML

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By Lonely - United States

Today, it was the last day of camp. I told my friends we should exchange e-mail addresses so we could stay in touch. Apparently, they all had already exchanged their contact info. Nobody asked me for one piece of my contact info even once during the entire six weeks. FML

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By bigdawg702 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend of 9 months that I was ready for marriage and start having kids. She hasn't called or texted me since. FML

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By Authentik8 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that one of my university flatmates arrived early for Freshers Week, and had a party which involved the place being trashed. I'm going to lose some of my deposit for damage caused before I even arrived. FML

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By Lea - United States

Today, I dropped my car keys down the elevator shaft at my dorm. I had parked my car at a parking meter, and now had no way to get change out of my car. It took six hours for someone to get my keys, and I now have a $75 parking ticket. FML

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By MySonThePoet - United States - Racine

Today, I stumbled across one of my son's English assignments. Apparently, he decided to submit a haiku about how electrical outlets are technically "whores" because they hook up with countless cords for a "charge." I don't know whether to be amused or furious. FML

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By raebelle - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went shooting. While I was showing him how to properly hold and adjust a rifle, he accidentally pulled the trigger. The gun kicked back and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. FML

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By why - United States

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

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By Xandriajoy10 - Australia

Today, a fly flew into my ear canal and got stuck. It was the most horrifying 2 minutes of my life. FML

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By no one - United States - Dallas

Today, my house caught on fire. The firefighters said that it was caused by a lit cigarette on the carpet. I don't smoke, but apparently my 13 year old son does. FML

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By Lanthane - France - Bordeaux

Today, after living for a while with my husband and our cat, I'm still not sure which of the two leaves the most hairs strewn around the house. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my fancy rubber phone case did its job and saved my phone from damage when I dropped it on the bathroom counter. Unfortunately, it was rather useless after the massive bounce it took before landing in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my two sons were fighting. I had to shout, "Give me that pillow" - the object over which they were quarrelling - and put them into two separate rooms. My sons are 12 and 15. FML

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Top comments

By LewJH | 0

#576702 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:01

I bet he's joking ¬¬

Most FMLs are people who couldn't take a joke.

By JessxMaxine | 0

#576713 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:05

i hope he was joking. but still pimp slap him. :)

COMMENTS

By 4440123 | 0

#576649 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:47

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Gia0896 | 0

#577199 - Monday 21 September 2009 0:57

Dam..sucks for you..But really funny...

Reply

ckin2urass | 0

#1339307 - Thursday 2 September 2010 16:54

ouch

Reply

lilwaynerockz_fml | 12

#2767188 - Monday 27 June 2011 4:49

it really does suck to be first. lol. because then when you act like a fucking dumbass and say "first" you get negative ratings.

By Swoken | 0

#576662 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

scarletchamber | 0

#4219440 - Monday 26 March 2012 22:43

shutup lol

By 4440123 | 0

#576664 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By maryoceanblue | 0

#576671 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:52

that sucks real bad! for that he can go jack off ughh guys

By Nacirema20 | 0

#576680 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:54

What a mean bastard. >:-l

By LewJH | 0

#576702 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:01

I bet he's joking ¬¬

Most FMLs are people who couldn't take a joke.

By Rota | 0

#576711 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:04

Well he knows what he wants, just a nice warm hole.

Reply

darebear331 | 4

#2910970 - Sunday 17 July 2011 5:11

i call that one tge bag and tag. ;)

Reply

darebear331 | 4

#2911008 - Sunday 17 July 2011 5:16

the*

By JessxMaxine | 0

#576713 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:05

i hope he was joking. but still pimp slap him. :)

By DASny97 | 1

#576735 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:17

Maybe he is in the closet

By Signposthead | 0

#576765 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:30

Just tell him he just needs to stare into the sun befoee sex