Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were in the shower and things were... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 1 261

07/01/2014 20:38

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the shower and things were getting heated. I tried to move position, but slipped and fell, bringing the shower curtain I'd grabbed onto down with me along its support rod. My ass hit the floor just as hard as the rod hit my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 290

You deserved it 9 992

Hello?

The nerve of some people

Food porn

Look mom!

By Anonymous - 29/11/2020 19:59

Spicy

Today, I was having my 9 year-old son help me find the TV remote. We were searching my bedroom when all the sudden my son says, “Look, mom it’s right here!” I turn around to see him pointing to where the remote was with my vibrator like a teacher pointing at a blackboard with a pointer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 780

27/02/2010 05:02

Today, after many weeks of talking to this guy over the phone for hours on end and establishing that we both had feelings for the other, we met in person. He saw me, got an "emergency text," and hasn't talked to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 071

You deserved it 5 509

11/12/2013 08:25

Today, is my little sister's 16th birthday. I spent my last $20 on a gift for her, cleaned the house for her party, made an ice cream cake, and got her a rose. What did I get? "I hope you kept the receipt for this. Oh, and stay in your room during my party." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 428

You deserved it 3 816

09/12/2015 15:26

Today, I was talking to my boss at the end of an awesome internship. He said he was really satisfied with my work, and that he had considered hiring me. Turns out he decided not to because I smile too much and it unnerves him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 434

You deserved it 1 903

16/02/2017 04:00

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer dumped a hot chocolate on me and yelled, saying it wasn't his order. The order actually belonged to a 4-year-old boy with the same name who started screaming when he didn't get his chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 762

You deserved it 514

06/08/2009 21:25

Today, a very good friend of mine said he had a question to ask me. Jokingly, I threw my arms around his neck and said, "Oh yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" When I sat back down, I saw tears in his eyes, and he said, "You've made me the happiest man alive" as he pulled a small box out of his coat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 957

You deserved it 107 482

22/11/2012 16:13

Today, in break from tradition, I proposed to my boyfriend. We were at a Japanese Pagoda. Water was trickling everywhere; the moment was perfect. While I was on my knee, after pouring my heart out, he looked wistfully out over the water and said, "So, I was thinking pizza tonight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 709

You deserved it 6 673

27/06/2013 23:56

Today, I was accused of shooting drugs at work. I was only feeding a baby bird that was tucked into my arm using a medicine syringe. I've been smuggling it to work because it has to eat every 2 hours or it will starve. Now everyone there thinks I'm a hardcore dope fiend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 512

You deserved it 8 756

31/10/2015 13:23

Today, while shopping, I stepped a bit closer to a couple that stood in front of a display. The girl then shot me a nasty look, grabbed her boyfriend and started pointedly making out with him. I was just trying to buy some butter. But thanks for reminding me how lonely I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 464

You deserved it 1 827

11/08/2015 14:29

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 901

You deserved it 5 513

13/12/2011 14:00

Today, as part of my job as a performer, I had to show off my skills with a switchblade in front of an audience. A kid shot a rubber band at me. I then needed stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 053

You deserved it 3 116

13/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 292

You deserved it 164

24/02/2009 11:01

Spicy

Today, me and my girlfriend were watching some show about sex on the discovery channel. The topic of female orgasms came up and she said, "Wow, I wonder what that's like?" We've been dating and sexually active for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 065

You deserved it 19 040

08/02/2009 05:39

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 022

You deserved it 7 049

15/06/2016 21:49

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house with his family. A kitten walks over to me with an engagement ring tied to its collar and a note that says "Marry Me?" I got super excited, only to find out that it was for his brother's girlfriend of 10 months, not me. We've been together 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 852

You deserved it 1 462

03/10/2015 20:45

Today, we had a school reunion. The guy who bullied me throughout my high school career is now rich and married. I'm broke and single, and he specifically came up to me to point it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 960

You deserved it 2 204

11/03/2010 03:03

Today, I got a call from a police department saying that if I didn't move my car from a store's parking lot within the next 15 minutes, they were going to tow it and charge me for the fee. I was at work and the reason I parked it there is because it started smoking and almost caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 628

You deserved it 4 864

23/01/2012 11:27

Today, I realized the universal beauty that can be found in a pancake. I'm not sure if I have reached spiritual enlightenment, or if I should have my head examined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 801

You deserved it 7 370

10/03/2009 03:32

Today, I called off work saying my Great Grandmother died. A co-worker texted me later asking where and when the funeral was. I made up a lie and said some random funeral home and date. My co-workers sent flowers to the funeral home for condolences. The flowers were returned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 188

You deserved it 93 919

05/06/2014 20:05

Today, I babysat the brattiest and most foul-mouthed 8-year-old I've ever met. After I survived three hours of it, his parents finally came home. He claimed I'd invited a boy over and that we did "stuff" on the couch all evening. They believed him. I didn't get paid, to say the least. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 945

You deserved it 4 196

Whack-a-Mole

By Anonymous - 28/09/2019 02:01

Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 429

You deserved it 262

05/12/2018 08:00

Today, a police officer stopped me and told me he got an anonymous tip that I was going to kill myself. I wasnt. Protocol says he had to bring me straight to a hospital where I explained that someone was messing with me. nobody listened. Now I have a hospital bill for $2,250. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 601

You deserved it 157

13/10/2008 08:28

Today, during the trailers at the movies, my boyfriend elbowed me in the ribs and smiled when an ad for a weight loss institute was shown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 895

You deserved it 17 297

Masterchef

By Uh-SLEEP - 11/12/2020 03:01

Today, our stove broke. Now, we have to cook using a toaster oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 59

16/02/2011 07:40

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend's drink. All over my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 250

You deserved it 5 001

11/04/2012 19:53

Spicy

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 005

You deserved it 38 696

13/09/2016 19:54

Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor. I thought things were going well so I suggested we work out together sometime and maybe work our way up to dinner together, to which she replied, "Sorry but I've seen tumors bigger than your biceps," and then walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 924

You deserved it 2 052

22/05/2009 00:20

Today, I kissed my husband and said "I love you." Thats when our 5 year old son said to my husband "How can you love her so much if she's so ugly?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 572

You deserved it 4 164

Alexa, play "Get The Message" by Electronic

By Anonymous - 10/04/2021 23:30

Today, it became apparent that telling your crush you like them isn't worth a response. I mean after all it's not like I'm sitting here not thinking about them and hoping for something to happen. No no, a simple "No thanks" is too much hard work for some. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 330

05/01/2012 03:07

Today, my biology teacher assigned us partners for a project. I got paired up with one of the smartest kids in the class. When he found out I was his partner, he cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 203

You deserved it 8 882

23/10/2016 08:20

Today, as I was transcribing my manager's recorded orated memo, I heard an unmistakable grunt and splash of an impromptu "bathroom deposit". Seems my manager is economising his time like never before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 471

You deserved it 653

06/01/2016 04:19

Today, I found out that the only reason my "friend" comes over to my apartment is so that she can charge her phone using my electricity, because she's too cheap to use her own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 992

You deserved it 1 646

05/11/2013 21:01

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom, only to find my dad sitting on the toilet, blind drunk. He screamed "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" at me. I just wanted to shave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 676

You deserved it 3 731

02/08/2013 20:58

Today, I attended the funeral of a close friend. Most of the other guests were openly grinning and joking around, and the guy in front of me kept muttering "that's what she said" during the eulogy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 961

You deserved it 3 162

27/11/2015 02:47

Today, I noticed that the eye drops I have been using 3 times a day for the past week expired when the Jonas Brothers were popular. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 390

You deserved it 5 534

30/11/2009 18:01

Today, we rearranged the bedroom and my boyfriend and I switched sides of the bed. When the alarm went off, he got confused as to which side the clock was on. Instead of hitting the snooze button like he normally does, he hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 080

You deserved it 9 507

02/07/2016 21:08

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 249

You deserved it 1 826

16/08/2019 12:00

Today, my grandmother loudly announced that she has a yeast infection. Under her breast. She attempted to show me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 592

You deserved it 116

10/03/2014 14:23

Today, the heater went out at work. I was shivering so hard that someone thought I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 526

You deserved it 4 058

10/06/2019 12:05

Today, I was working at my job at a McDonald's. I was on my break, so I went to use the restroom. When I finished, I tried to open the door, but the lock broke. I was stuck in the basement bathroom for 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 634

You deserved it 141

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:04

You could've just turned the temperature down

peacefully84 19

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:08

Cause of accident - lack of adhesive ducks.

Comments

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:04

You could've just turned the temperature down

Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:05

Are you dumb? Or was this a joke?

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:08

It's called a play on words. Overuse of 'things got heated' when referring to sex has led to shit puns to make me feel better

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 2:10

O.P. just got a little butt hurt over it..

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:06

Smooth move op. Haha wow. That sounds like you're an contortionist with that crazy ass fall.

speakersboom 19

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:24

*a contortionist

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:40

Waste of a comment there.^ How about adding something to your comment other then correcting mine. This is why I hate grammar Nazis.^

glabberfasted 16

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:45

Rather than* ;) I'm just joshin' ya.

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 3:14

Bit uptight there, olpally.

speakersboom 19

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 3:36

Woah, someone's on the rag...

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 5:30

Why do people call some who corrects one's spelling a grammar Nazi when, in fact, they are a spelling Gestapo.

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:06

...Was it a soft landing

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:56

No, hence the FML

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 23:41

It's a joke about the size of her ass. I'm sorry if no one else got that.

myusername83 10

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:07

Well that brought down the mood

AnOriginalName 19

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 21:21

And the curtains.

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:07

Look on the bright side! Luckily the butt hit the ground, not your head (even if it did hit the rod) or other less cushioning body parts.

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Thursday 9 January 2014 5:25

Op probably had her head hit two rods. *hinthint*

peacefully84 19

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:08

Cause of accident - lack of adhesive ducks.

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Thursday 9 January 2014 21:36

Is it sad that when I read this, I started reciting the entire scene in my head?

chickenman12312 12

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Saturday 11 January 2014 23:14

I'm probably the only one who knows that that is from the Big Bang theory! Hahahahaha

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Monday 20 January 2014 13:48

#7 beat me to it.... Adhesive ducks.

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Monday 20 January 2014 13:49

#7 beat me to it... Adhesive ducks

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:12

maybe you should invest in a shower mat for future shower sex

LizetteBerenice 22

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:12

Ouch!

fromstumbling 8

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:15

See, it's FMLs like these that make me never want to engage in any type of sexual activity in the bathroom.

Jabberwockyy 13

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:50

But it can be so much fun if done safely. Lol.

speakersboom 19

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 3:59

your username goes with your comment beautifully, #11.

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 8:17

You just have to be careful. It can be very fun. Glass shower doors come in handy.

StillUsesMyspace 22

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 9:43

They really glossed over the dangers of sex in health class huh, no one even mentioned the large possibility of metal rods hitting ones head due to unsafe sex

worldclassrager 39

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Wednesday 8 January 2014 1:21

Ouch...